Disclaimer: That '70s Show copyright The Carsey-Werner Company, LLC and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC.

FEZ'S UN-BIRTHDAY

Hyde's fat, swollen lip had gone down enough that eating French fries no longer hurt. The Hub's version of crispy usually meant burnt, but he was already feeling that way ... burned. A few tables over, Jackie and Kelso were making out—deep sloppy, and oblivious to The Hub's disgusted patrons, including Hyde himself. He slouched in his chair and stared down at his tray of food, at his fingers snatching up French fries.

Jackie reconciliation with Kelso had been inevitable. Hyde should've seen it coming as she used him to soak up her pain from the break-up. But he'd fallen for her anyway and gotten tossed out like a blood-stained bandage.

He aimed a French fry at Kelso's eye but ate it instead. This had been a bang-up week so far. A few days ago, he'd gotten his ass kicked by a bunch of chicks. Granted, they were armed with hockey sticks, but the blow to his ego stung worse than their strikes to his face. Not one of them had thought fooling around might've been more fun than bashing in his skull.

Of course, he, Forman, and Fez had vandalized their locker room at Ft. Anderson. A mistake. They'd meant to wreck the boys' locker room. A few Snapping Turtles had beaten the crap out of Fez, and that wrong couldn't go unpunished.

"Oh, Michael!" Jackie's giggles poked Hyde across The Hub, and he dropped his half-eaten hotdog. He'd spent the last four months trying to forget their kiss, how far inside him it had reached. But every girl he flirted with, touched, and screwed turned into Jackie inside his mind.

She had to stop mattering to him, and his method to make it the truth was, in part, exposure. He exposed himself to her time with Kelso, as sickening as it was. But rather than inuring him to the state of things, anger had taken root at his core.

"Hyde!" someone said and tapped his hand frantically.

"What?" He looked up from his food. "Oh, Caroline. Hey."

Fez's girlfriend had pulled a chair from his table and joined him. She was pretty, blond with a pleasant face. Too bad she was also crazy. A certifiable headcase who choked herself regularly in some psychotic ritual. She liked to torture her mind with thoughts of Fez dumping her, and her way to calm down was depriving herself of air until she passed out.

"Hi," she said now, breathlessly. "I could use your help."

"With what?"

"Throwing Fez a surprise party."

"Why?"

"To celebrate his birthday, silly!" She smiled a wide, toothy smile that didn't make her appear any saner.

"His birthday's not 'til August," he said. "This is February."

She slapped his wrist and chuckled. "I know that! But I didn't get to celebrate his last sixteen birthdays, so I decided to give him an un-birthday party to make up for it."

His gaze fixed on her expectant face. He should've kept silent, but laughter chugged from his chest. Trying to detach from Jackie, emotionally and mentally, had exhausted him. He'd reacted mindlessly, but he quieted himself down. "Just show up at his place," he said, "carrying bags of candy and wearin' nothing but a trench coat. That'll be all the celebration he needs."

"No!" Her voice blasted through The Hub. "I need to make this party special. He's a special guy, y'know? He deserves something special."

"That's just ... peachy." He picked up his hot dog and bit into it. Maybe if he acted disinterested, she'd fall away like a swatted fly.

She clutched his hand instead. "Please, Hyde? I have to do this. I have to give him a party he'll never forget. Please, please, please help me." She squeezed his palm, so tightly her nails dug into his skin. "You're his best friend, right? Together, we can make this party a killer."

He freed his hand from her, sat up straight in his chair, and wiped crumbs off his mouth. "Well, as 'groovy' as all this sounds, I gotta say—"

"But I thought we weren't doing it!" Kelso shouted. He was being dragged by Jackie toward The Hub's back door. "You said you wanted to wait!"

"We are waiting," she said, "but that doesn't mean we can't do things with our clothes on."

"Like what? I'm used to doing things naked now. I don't remember how."

"I'll remind you. Come on!" She tugged on Kelso's shirt. He snaked his arm around her waist, and Hyde stared at them as they disappeared outside.

"Look," Caroline said and shoved a list in front of his face, "I've already written down the places we have to go and what we have to get."

He took the list from her and read it:

For Fez's Un-Birthday Party

1) Go through the phone book and invite everyone who's first name doesn't start with a "C" and last name doesn't start with a "D" to the party. [ ]

2) Secure party space. [x]

3) Go to Sal's Hardware. [ ] Buy:
a) Sharp knives.
b) Twine
c) Duct tape

4) Go to the Piggly Wiggly. [ ] Buy:

a) Flour, eggs butter, sugar

b) Chocolate frosting

c) Assorted bags of candy

d) Rat poison

The list went on, but he'd seen plenty. "Why the hell do you need knives, duct tape, twine, and rat poison?"

"Oh, the place I rented for the party is in the woods. There's a lot of rats, raccoons and other hungry creatures out there, and I don't want them eating Fez's cake."

"Uh-huh..." He sucked in a breath, knowing full-well what he had to do. "I'll help you."

"You will? Great!" She gave his arm a pat before standing. "You can drive me to the woods. I want to show you the cabin."

"About that..." He stood up and rubbed the nape of his neck, unsure of how she'd take his next words. "I think Fez would be more surprised if we held the party in Forman's basement."

She narrowed her eyes, as if she didn't understand. "Really? But he goes there every day."

"That's the surprise, man. He'll never see the party comin'. Plus, the only critters we gotta worry about there are dust bunnies."

"Okay!" she said between intakes of air, and he reconsidered his suggestion. Those dust bunnies might be deadly if she passed out at the party. They could clog her throat once she regained consciousness and gasped for breath.

Still, the basement was a better option than the woods. He'd just have to vacuum.

Dirty snow prettied up The Hub's parking lot, with its preserved dog turds and dusting of car exhaust. Nothing beat Point Place in winter: the patches of black ice on the road, the lung-freezing air, and the flu. Hyde looked forward to it every year, like he did going to the dentist.

He opened the Camino's passenger-side door. Caroline was shivering, and her breath came out in white smoke. She began to speak, but he said, "I know where we gotta go. Trust me."

"I trust you," she said and flitted inside his car like a deranged butterfly. "You're Fez's best friend, so of course I trust you. He wouldn't have chosen someone untrustwor—"

He slammed the door shut. This chick was a handful, but she was also a good distraction. Her brand of crazy would keep his mind busy, a necessity after Jackie and Kelso's latest repulsive make-out.

Caroline gathered a pile of plastic, bejeweled cutlasses in her fist. Hyde had driven her to Pete's Party Warehouse, hoping to buy some benign party supplies, but she'd gone straight to the sharpest object in the place.

"These fake swords are perfect!" she said. "Fez puts on this eyepatch sometimes when we kiss. He says it makes him feel like a pirate."

"No swords, okay?" He took the plastic cutlasses from her and put them back on the shelf. "No fake guns, no itching powder, no hand buzzers. Well ... maybe just one." He dropped a hand buzzer into his basket. "We're not tryin' to give Fez a heart attack."

"Right. Right." She moved to a shelf of colorful noisemakers and blowouts. "Are you sure I shouldn't invite more people?"

"Party's in a week. Don't think you'll get through all of the Wisconsin White Pages in time. Fez ain't that kind of guy anyway. He won't want all those people bogarting his cake."

"Hmm." She started counting Scooby-Doo blowouts. "What do you know about those two sluts that hang around him?"

"Kelso and Fez have a love-hate thing goin' on, and Laurie barely—"

"No, I mean the tall redhead and the short brunette."

He squinted behind his shades. What crap was she going on about? Donna and Jackie were as far from being sluts as he was taking a vow of celibacy. "You got 'em pegged wrong."

Caroline quit counting blowouts and shoveled them all into her basket. "I see how they look at Fez. All girls look at Fez that way. He's so charismatic."

"Believe me, Donna and Jackie ain't interested. Donna's with Forman, and Jackie suffers from Kelso-on-the-Brain. It's a mortal disease, man. Terminal."

"You don't sound happy about that." She walked down the aisle, and he followed. They ended up two aisles over, where half-priced Halloween masks were stashed. She picked up one of Nixon. "Ooh, maybe everyone should dress up! We could disguise our voices, too." She raised the mask to her face. "Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeah, no..." He pressed down on the mask gently, and she lowered it to reveal a trembling frown. Great. He'd upset her. "Man, I hate when chicks go off the deep-end."

"I have not gone off the deep-end!" She impaled the Nixon mask on its shelf hook. "Why do people keep saying that?"

"Wasn't talkin' about you," he said and hoped she bought it. "Talkin' about Jackie."

"The slutty brunette?"

"Yup. Just like you hold your breath thinking about Fez leavin' you, I hit myself in the jaw when I think about her at all."

She glanced at him sideways. "Is that true?"

"Unfortunately." It wasn't something he was proud of, but he'd shared it for two reasons. One, to deter her from having a psychotic episode. Two, confessing eased the shame a little. Telling his friends would earn him burns for life, but Caroline wouldn't squeal. She barely paid any attention to what he said unless it had to do with Fez.

And on the off-chance she did flap her gums, who'd believe her?

"I'm not crazy," she said but sounded calmer. "I'm just crazy about Fez."

She scampered off to a different aisle. He met her there, and she tried on different party hats: sparkly, paint-spattered, faux-fur-lined. He stood back and watched, and when she asked for his opinion on the hats she chose, he answered with a thumbs-up.

"So you hit yourself?" she said and clapped glitter from her hands.

"More like an enthusiastic slap. Gets rowdier thoughts to cooperate."

"Huh." She cupped her chin, as if considering his statement. "I should try that sometime."

A week later, Fez's cake sat on the Formans' kitchen counter. Mrs. Forman had baked it and covered it in chocolate frosting. Hyde was grateful. He could've baked the cake himself, but he had a rep to protect. He'd already gotten a busted lip for defending Fez's honor and helped Fez's girlfriend set up the party. Making the cake would've finished him in this town.

"Now, Steven," Mrs. Forman said, "you're sure Caroline means un-birthday?"

"Yeah, it's some Alice in Wonderland thing. The Mad Hatter."

"That's appropriate." She locked eyes with him. Did she know how nutty Fez's girlfriend was? She must have, but she broke free of their shared gaze and laughed. "My ... I hope Fez survives this relationship."

"You and me both."

"Because it is going to be messy."

"You're tellin' me."

Her laughter filled the kitchen again, and she grabbed a pastry bag stuffed with vanilla frosting. She wrote, "Happy Un-Birthday, Fez!" on top of the cake and tutted.

"Un-birthday sounds so gloomy," she said, "like he's going to be un-birthed. Can't I put an F in front of the un? To make it a Happy Fun Birthday?"

He leaned his hip against the counter and shrugged. "If it were up to me, you could put whatever you wanted. But Caroline's got an ... itchy way of reactin' to things. You change up her idea, and she might shove the cake down my throat—whole."

"Well, we don't want her doing that."

She put the cake on a glass stand and covered it with a glass dome. A smart idea. The dome significantly muted the cake's scent. If Fez got a whiff of chocolate down in the basement, it could bring him upstairs.

"Guess it's time to enter hell," Hyde said.

He pushed himself from the counter, but Mrs. Forman grasped his hand and smuggled a kiss onto his cheek. "It's very sweet of you to look out for Fez like this," she said. "You're a very sweet boy."

"Nothin' sweet about me. Caroline's like a grenade. Someone pulls out her pin and KABLOOEY! Don't wanna miss it."

"Caroline can't possibly be that bad..." She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "But just in case, I'll make sure Red's on alert."

"Red alert." He smirked at his own pun. "Cool."

At Caroline's request, Hyde put Houses of the Holy on Forman's stereo. She wasn't in the basement yet, but she'd asked him to set the mood for the party. Her first date with Fez had been at a Led Zeppelin concert, and she wanted to commemorate that.

A decent sentiment, but Hyde should've been the one at that concert. It had been his best chance to see his favorite band live, but Jackie and Kelso had screwed him out of going. Messing up his life seemed to be what they did best, unlike making out.

Jackie and Kelso were Frenching on the ratty couch. Hyde tried to avoid the sight but was only partially successful. They entered his eyeline every time he changed directions—from the wooden stairs to Forman's stereo, from the stereo to the TV. They occupied the center of the basement, the center of his thoughts.

Their clumsy display was laughable. Jackie's lips would release Kelso's while his tongue darted out. The tip of it usually hit her nostril or chin, causing her to back off. Or his head tiled at an awkward angle, keeping her from deepening the kiss. Their time apart hadn't improved their rhythm any. Why she'd gone back to him was a mystery, one that wouldn't get solved tonight.

Hyde sank down on his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. He tried to focus on "The Rain Song," but Fez kept shouting commentary from the lawn chair: "This is when Caroline and I first held hands," and, "Caroline and I stared into each other's eyes during this part," and, "I imagined Caroline naked when Robert Plant whispered that lyric."

Forman and Donna were no better. They sat on the wooden staircase together. She laid her head on his shoulder, sending an obvious signal, but Forman checked his watch repeatedly and sighed.

She slapped his arm. "Would you stop doing that? She'll be here."

"Who will be here?" Fez said.

"My dad," she said. "He has to return... a thing... to Eric's dad."

Fez didn't argue, despite her swap of gender-specific pronouns. He drummed his fingers on his lap and hummed along to Jimmy Page's guitar.

Hyde checked his own watch, and his stomach soured. Caroline should've shown up by now. With her obsessiveness, she was the punctual type. The plan was for her to arrive with a bunch of balloons. The party supplies they'd bought were safely hidden in his room, and once Fez was decently surprised, Hyde would bring them out. But no Caroline meant no surprise ... unless the joke was on him.

He bolted to the basement door. "Where are you going?" Forman said, but Hyde left without answering. He climbed the stone stairs two steps at a time, and colorful balloons peeked above the backyard fence. They were swaying in the wind, anchored down by a weight.

"Crap." He rushed to the backyard and found Caroline's unconscious body. He knelt down beside her. She was breathing, but his own lungs had stopped working. "Hey," he said after an intake of air. She didn't move, and he snapped his fingers by her face. "Hey, wake up!"

Her eyelids fluttered open. "Huh?"

"You fainted, man."

"I did?"

"Yeah."

The balloons were tied to loops in her shirt. A neat trick, but they made sitting difficult. He put a hand on her back and eased her up.

"I gotta have Mrs. Forman check you out," he said. "She's a nurse. You could have a concussion.

"Oh, that won't be necessary. I was already lying down when I held my breath."

His jaw clenched. What was her freakin' problem? "Fez ain't goin' anywhere, okay? He's totally into you."

"That's not what I was worried about." She clutched his wrist and used it to push herself to her feet. The balloons bounced off one other before settling back into place. "On my way here, I suddenly got to thinking, 'What if Fez isn't surprised? What if he's disappointed and never looks at me the same way again?' But I feel better now."

"Good." He gestured to the basement stairs. "Let's get this crap over wi—started."

She scooted n front of him, as if she'd never fainted, and the balloons bobbed behind her. He kept his distance as she skipped down the stone staircase, but she waited until he met her at the bottom. "Do you think the balloons will fit through the door?" she said.

"They will," he said, even if he had to push every one of them into the basement. If this chick would just relax, or see a shrink, maybe she and Fez could work out. But he had no influence. He'd already told Fez about her self-destructive, self-soothing behavior; and Fez considered it flattering, not dangerous, so what could Hyde do?

She shoved open the basement door and dashed inside, with some assistance from Hyde. "Surprise!" she shouted, and Fez jumped from the lawn chair.

"Caroline?" A smile tugged at his lips. "What is this?"

"Your un-birthday party!" She opened her arms wide and thrust them around his neck, and the balloons crashed against one another. "We've got a cake and party favors and everything!"

"You do? You did this for me?"

"Yes!" She backed away from him and giggled. "Surprised?"

"Very."

Fez leaned in for a kiss, and Hyde maneuvered around Caroline and her flock of balloons. Forman and Donna watched the kiss with sappy grins on their faces, but Jackie and Kelso still pawed at each other on the couch. They'd plummeted into their own impenetrable world, and they'd probably start dry-humping any second. Happy freakin' un-birthday.

Hyde fled the scene and took shelter in his room. The party supplies needed to be brought out, but they could wait. He lined up the party-favor bags on his cot. Only his had a hand buzzer. Maybe he'd press it into Kelso's throat. Then again, that might shock Kelso into a decent kissing rhythm, and Hyde had no intention of aiding him in that area.

A few minutes later, the party hats were stacked on his fist. The bags were heaped in his arms. He wouldn't wreck Fez and Caroline's party because of Jackie and Kelso. They were together, and Hyde had to let it go.

To let her go.

He stepped toward his door, and a bang! smashed through the basement. It sounded like a gunshot and was followed by two others. He dropped to the floor and crawled behind his cot, and another shot rattled his door.

Caroline, that psycho, had brought a damn gun. She was shooting up the basement and taking out his friends one-by-one.

Holy hell. The way he lived his life, getting a bullet to the brain was always a possibility, but he hadn't expected it so soon. And not at the hands of his friend's girl.

Another bang! and he knew he was next. That had been five shots. She likely had one bullet left. For him.

"Hyde!" Her voice came through his door, and her body followed. "Hyde, what are you doing?"

He had no way out. If he'd locked his door, maybe he would've had a chance, but cowering like a mouse wasn't how he wanted to die. He rose to his feet and into stared into Caroline's eyes. Facing death like a man would be his final act.

"Where's the party stuff?" she said.

"What?" He glanced down. Everything had spilled out of the party-favor bags and was scattered on the floor.

"Oh, you dropped it!" She crouched and began to reorganize the blowouts, Super Balls, and other assorted toys. "Don't just stand there. Help me!"

He didn't move. He couldn't. His entire focus was cemented to her balloons. She'd had roughly a dozen when she came into the basement, but now she had half as much. "Your balloons popped?" A smile glided across his face, "Man, your balloons popped!".

"Yeah, what'd you think I was doing? Shooting a gun?"

"Uh..."

She waved dismissively at him. "Never mind. But it would be nice for you to fix up the bags with me, since you were the one who messed them up."

"Yeah, yeah. I hear ya." He crouched beside her and did as she asked. Man, who was the real psycho here? Caroline had some problems, but shooting up his friends in a blood bath? She wasn't the only one who could use a shrink. "So," he said, "did Kelso assault your balloons?"

"No, I stuck them with a hairpin." She pulled a sharp, metal pin from her blond hair, "See?" and popped a balloon with it. "The idiot and the brunette slut were ruining the party with their slobbering. It was disgusting. The first balloon caught their attention, but it wasn't enough, so I popped two more. They glared at me, and I said, 'Surprise! Now, get out.' They refused, so I popped balloons until they left."

He nodded his approval. For a wacko, she wasn't half bad. "Nice."

"Oh! And I might've also said to the brunette slut, 'I hope they find a cure for your disease,' before she ran out of the basement."

He chuckled. That made two of them.

They finished rebagging the party favors, but her expression became serious. "Speaking of guns," she said, "do you know a good place to stash a .22 pistol? Not that I think you're the type to know these things, but... do you know?"

"No."

"Damn. I'll just have to toss it in Pike River."

"In Kenosha?" He shut his eyes to clear his head. Giving her advice would make him an accessory.

"I've been planning a series of elaborate bank heists," she said. "I know a .22 is a baby gun, but I can't afford better. That's why I'm going to rob those banks."

He opened his eyes to her toothy grin. "Maybe you should rethink that..."

She slapped his back, and he stumbled forward. "I'm kidding!"

"Hah. Funny..."

He thought it was over, but her face grew serious again. "I can afford a better gun."

"Super." He blew out an audible breath. "Let's get to the party."

"It's just a joke, Hyde," she said, and they left his room. "Fez warned me that you're a bit paranoid. You need to relax. Maybe stop hitting yourself when you think about slutty brunettes. It's not healthy."

"I'll do that. Thanks."

Only Forman, Donna, and Fez remained in the basement, and they swarmed Hyde and Caroline like horseflies. They snatched the party hats and bag from their hands. Fez pulled Caroline into a hug, balloons and all, and Hyde retreated to his chair.

Mrs. Forman descended the stairs with Fez's cake, and the swarm shifted to her. "Caroline," Fez said, "I can't believe you did all of this for me!"

"Technically, I made the cake," Mrs. Forman said, "and Steven—"

"Doesn't liked being talked about," Caroline said. "So we shouldn't."

Hyde quirked up an eyebrow. For all of Caroline's irrational fear, she could also be perceptive. His case of Jackie-on-the-Brain had afflicted him for months, distorting his own perspective. He had to find a cure. It was making him misjudge situations—and people—all over the place. But for now, he'd follow Caroline's advice and enjoy some cake.