Thanks to Marvel-Tolkien Fangirl for her help, encouragement, and reassurances that I'm not completely insane.

Jon-Bob is the only character that makes an appearance that is mine, and seeing as how he's inspired by the frog in The Swan Princess I'm not sure he's actually mine.

Please enjoy and try not to lose too many brain cells.

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Thor stood smugly at the giant blue monster he had just killed fell off the ledge of ice into the carnivorous canyon below. His smile faded as he saw the army of Frost Giants gather around, all looking immense and deadly. He rejoined his friends and the young Asgardians readied themselves for the final battle of their lives.

Laufey's lips curled in a sneering snarl as he stared down at the tiny beings. "At last, Odin and Asgard will pay!" he cried, leaping forward, striking at Thor.

Just at that moment, there was a burst of color and light that descended from the sky. The giants shrank back, shielding their eyes. Thor shouted for joy as Odin appeared, golden armour gleaming, sitting astride his huge eight-legged horse. The horse reared back and whinnied impressively, and then looked around for a sugar cube.

"Father! We'll finish-"

Suddenly Loki interrupted. "Father! I have some very serious questions to talk to you about!"

"Hey, I was talking," Thor said.

"Not now, Loki," Odin said to Loki, and then to Thor, "Silence!" Thor walked over to the edge of the cliff, sat down and started pouting. Odin then turned to Laufey. "These were the actions of a boy."

"You look tired, Allfather," Laufey replied, concerned. "When was the last time you had a decent sleep? You know, when I can't sleep I have a glass of nice, warm milk. It works wonders. I sleep like a baby."

"Oh, insomnia is not the problem. I've been putting it off," Odin explained, "so that at just the right moment I can fall asleep for a good, long while and ruin my boy's lives."

Laufey wrinkled his nose. "Personally, I like the abandonment path myself, but whatever works for you, I guess."

"I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!" Loki shouted jumping up onto a large snow bank and waving his arms around dramatically.

"Such bad grammar. Two exclamation marks!" Sif sniffed haughtily.

Loki glared at her. "Shut up or I'll cut off your hair!"

Sif tried to hide behind Thor, who was still pouting, but since he was sitting down it didn't work so well, so instead she hid behind Volstagg, clutching at her hair protectively.

"You'd look good bald," Laufey said to Sif.

"Really?" Sif beamed, dragging her fingers through her raven locks.

"Yep," Laufey said. "Hair just gets in the way."

"I have been thinking about getting it cut-"

"Excuse me, I was talking," Loki said politely.

"Oh, all right. What do you want, Loki?" Odin sighed wearily.

"My hand!" Loki shouted, waving around said hand. "My hand turned blue!"

"Uh oh," Odin muttered. His horse, realising that no sugar cubes were forthcoming, went and started pouting with Thor.

Loki kept waving his hand around, as if that would keep the attention on him. It wasn't really working, as only Odin was listening. Hogun and Vostagg had begun an thumb war, and the frost giants were gathering around them to egg them off.

"A frost giant grabbed my hand and it turned blue," Loki said to Odin. "Then he released it because I stabbed him and it turned pink again. Father, I'm scared!"

"There, there, Loki, you're just imagining things."

"I don't believe it," Loki insisted, and then turned to a nearby Frost Giant, Jon-Bob. "Hold my hand."

"Okay," Jon-Bob said happily, grabbing Loki's hand. Volstagg and Hogun stopped their thumb war so that everybody could watch as Loki's hand turned blue. Jon-Bob let go, and it became pink again. Blue, pink, blue, pink, blue-

"I am not Aurora's dress!" Loki snapped, and Jon-Bob, his feelings hurt, went and pouted with Thor and Odin's eight-legged horse.

"Am I cursed?" Loki looked at Odin, his lip trembling.

"No," Odin said gently, thinking about how nice it would have been to have this conversation in the weapons vault. "You're my son."

"The casket wasn't the only thing you took from here that day, was it?" Loki demanded, getting angry.

"Nope, I found you in the temple as a baby and decided to take you back to Asgard so that one day I could come back, kill Laufey and make you king of Jotunheim and then we'd have eternal peace!"

"You want to kill me?" Laufey wailed. "What did I ever do to you?"

"Whoa, whoa wait a minute!" Loki wailed. "You mean I'm Laufey's son?"

"You most certainly are not!" Laufey exclaimed in disgust. "I would never have a kid as small as you."

"Yes, you would," a nearby frost giant reminded him. "I remember. The midwives were like 'Here's your kid' and you were all 'Ew it's small get it away from me!' and then-"

"Thank you, that's enough!" Laufey shoved a sock into the frost giant's mouth and then drop-kicked him off the cliff.

Loki stared in horror at Odin. "Why didn't you tell me? Because I'm the monster children tell their parents about at night?"

"We'll finish them together!" Thor shouted suddenly, having got his mojo back after crying with Jon-Bob.

"Excuse me, hate to interrupt, but I'm sort of bleeding to death here," Fandrel said politely as he quietly bled to death.

"Shut up!" Odin snapped at him. "Laufey, we don't have to go to war."

"You just said that you want to kill me!" Laufey exclaimed.

"I am nothing more than a stolen relic!" Loki sobbed.

"You poked out my eye!" Odin shouted.

"I'm hungry!" Volstagg complained.

Laufey folded his arms. "You stopped me from making an ice-playground for the kids out of earth."

"I want to fight!" Thor shouted.

"There are people on earth," Odin tried to explain.

"Bor-ring!" Sif sighed.

"Yeah, sure, if you call humans people!" Laufey scoffed.

Hogun looked grim.

"That's it. We're going to war!" Odin shouted. "But first, we're going back to Asgard. See you!"

"Hey kid," Laufey said to Thor, "tell your mom hi from me, okay?"

"No, that's creepy," Thor replied.

"Bye!" the frost giants all waved as the bifrost descended and took the Asgardians away.

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All right, here's my uploading schedule for Cracked Thor;

This Chapter: - Today! (April 10)

Chapter Two – April 13

Chapter Three – April 16

Chapter Four – April 19

Chapter Five – April 22

Chapter Six – April 25

Chapter Seven – April 28

Chapter Eight – May 1

Chapter Nine – May 4

Chapter Ten – May 7

Last Chapter – May 10