Only Sometimes: Post-Chasing Ghosts
By Taygeta

Author's Note: Spoilers. I figured Tony would ask this question.

"Why didn't you tell me first?" It was the question waiting to be asked the entire time, and there it was - spoken. Tony couldn't take it back now, even if he had wanted to. But he didn't want to take it back, he wanted to know.

Ziva and McGee had continued to debrief Tony after their food order had arrived. While they ate, Tony had listened on intently, absorbing in their work for the last few weeks...or was it months? He wasn't quite sure.

McGee then went for a walk after dinner. He said he needed some air, but it was fairly apparent it was because he couldn't ignore the tension that had built in the room. After all, who wanted to go for a walk in the neighborhood they were in? You were more likely to get mugged or be offered something that warranted jail time or a fine if you were caught. Tony was pretty sure McGee was just sitting it out in the front of the building.

Tony asked his question the moment McGee closed the door.

"Why didn't you tell me first?"

He watched as she took a deep breath, as if she was expecting this question from him and, yet, still didn't know what exactly to say.

"It's not so simple as the order of things," she said. "I couldn't risk letting too many people know. You and I both know that McGee can access information under the radar...and that's the person I needed."

"But it doesn't mean that you couldn't tell me. I would have helped - I could've..."

"What? Try to convince me not to do it? Tell me I need to mourn? Tell me to just leave it to the CIA?" asked Ziva, whose voice raised with each question. "What?"

Now it was Tony's turn to take a deep breath, "I...I don't know..." He looked around the studio apartment and its bulletin boards of photos and maps. He looked at the laptops glowing in the room, bright and glaring and silent. He looked everywhere but her.

"Tony. Look at me."

His eyes shifted to her face. She was seated across from him, a dingy card table dividing them. Her eyes met his and she reached out to hold onto his hands, resting on the table.

"I would have just gotten you in trouble without any reason, without needing to take that bet." She pursed her lips, "I couldn't take that bet."

"But you should have," he said, squeezing her hands in his. He watched as she looked briefly at their hands, intertwined...as if she was suddenly aware how close they were...how close they would be if the card table was smaller. She looked up as he continued, "You should have because I could've just been...there. That's all I've wanted you to know this entire time...that I'm there. That I'm right...here."

She said softly, almost at a whisper, "I know."

A memory seemed to cross her face. Tony knew that somewhere she was thinking of his words, of "At lo levad."

Still he asked,"Do you? Sometimes I think you do and then I think you're just pushing me away."

As if on cue, she retreated into herself a little - letting go of his hands and leaning back into her chair, hugging herself with her arms.

"Like...right now."

"Tony..."

"Hey...it's okay. I just thought we were..."

She raised her eyebrows, "We were - what?"

"Getting closer," he summed, without getting too deep into details in what that meant. "I guess I was wrong."

Tony stood up, the metal chair scraping on the floor of the apartment. "Look, it doesn't matter - I know now, so forget I asked the question. Just let me know how else I can be of help. I'm gonna just head home. I'll make sure to rescue McGee from the cold and awkwardness."

As he headed toward the door, he saw and heard Ziva standing up from her chair. Before he could walk pass her, he felt her arms wrap around him in a tight hug. His arms fell naturally around her.

"What's this for?"

He heard her say, "Why I didn't want to tell you first...why I wasn't sure if I could tell you..."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"I know that you are here for me, Tony. Half the time I do not know why, but when all this happened, I didn't know what I was getting into." She pulled away enough to look at him, but he still held her close. "Bringing in McGee, I could still protect him because he is logical and I know that if I asked him to take precautions and keep it to just being behind the scenes, he would do that. You? Tony, you would run headfirst into things. You faced down my father with your wits. You distracted Saleem while under truth serum and with jokes."

"Aren't those good things? Didn't I get through them?"

"Yes, but you put yourself so close to danger...for me." She sighed, "I knew if I asked you to help me, you would say yes...like anyone else on our team. But your 'yes' is dangerous, Tony - I have already seen you take those risks without me asking. And if I asked...and...and..."

Ziva looked away, pulling herself closer. Tony could feel her heart beating, could feel her head resting on his chest.

"And if you asked me to help and something happened to me, you couldn't live with that," he said. "That's why you didn't ask me first."

"I can't lose you, Tony. I've lost almost everyone else."

He pulled away and held her face in his hands. He said softly, "Hey...I'm still here. I'm always going to be here...whether you ask me to or not." He smiled widely, "Sometimes you're going to wish you had a choice."

He felt her kiss his cheek and heard her whisper, "Only sometimes."

End. Feedback appreciated!