Disclaimer: We own Nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Told you this chapter would come quickly hehehe, and it's a bit longer so yay! I hope you enjoy it, I know everyone LOVED the M rated dream. More will come, unfortunately not this chapter. I know, but don't be too disappointed.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: LOL, I practically had to force my sister not to include another M rated dream, but I figured it was too soon and she agreed. I actually really liked how this chapter turned out. I think it adds more to the plot and really sets up the next chapter. I hope you all like it.

Anonymous Reviews:

SinopsisWww: Don't worry, we're getting somewhere REALLY good in this fic, aren't stoping now!

Anonymous: Well you can start breathing again.

Anonymous: Yes Lisbon has accepted death but that is how she feels right now, that won't change until she finally has something to hope for. You will definitley get Jane's reaction to the scars and the RJ situation, and SOON.

Babysister1985: Well here it is!

Ilovetea: Well I'm glad you found it! Hopefully the rest will be a s good

Anonymous: Awww well hopefully the rest of the week was better and this update is the cherry on top of it all.

Chapter 4: Turn a Blind Eye

The courthouse in Sacramento was blazing under the sun, especially since the ancient air conditioning unit had run off of its last legs just that morning. Now every window in the building was open and old desktop fans helped stir the hot air but provided little relief. It was especially hard on the professionals who were still decked out in their jackets and ties, trying to look the part but dying to strip down to their undergarments.

Cho was no exception but he managed to hide his discomfort through his normal stoic appearance. He went through worst torture then a little heat in the military, sitting on a bench sweating while waiting to go in to testify was nothing. Lisbon was trying to handle it as well but wasn't succeeding; then again she hadn't even done the acceptable thing and taken off her jacket. She still sat there with her suit jacket on over her knit long sleeve top. Her cheeks were red and Cho knew it wasn't from embarrassment; she was going to get heat stroke if she wasn't careful.

"You could take your jacket off," he pointed out.

She met his eyes; surprised he'd actually spoken. "I'm fine."

His expression didn't change but he knew she could tell that he thought she was a bad liar. "It's ninety-degrees in here, don't lie."

"I can handle a little heat," she told him simply. He watched as her hand reached down to rub at her arm through the sleeve of her clothing.

"You still have your sweater underneath," Cho reminded her, "No one will see them."

Now her cheeks paled a little, she didn't like being reminded of what happened to her. "I…I'm more comfortable like this," she admitted gently.

Cho knew that was probably true, he also knew why she took even greater pains to hide her scars now. "Jane isn't here, he won't see them."

Her eyes flashed a little and he saw the sadness and pain there. "I'm not sure he would care even if he did."

He was surprised by that statement, surprised because she seemed so resigned to it. He knew that what had happened to her had robbed her of a lot of the security and confidence she'd always had. She no longer trusted herself on anything, especially with her own safety. It was hard seeing someone he respected become so…frail.

What was worse was that the one person who might be able to help her was too selfish and angry to care.

They had all been surprised by the depths of Jane's anger towards Lisbon, none more so than Cho if he were honest. He'd always seen the strong bond between Jane and the boss, recognizing it as much more than simple friendship. It went much deeper than that. So much so that he hadn't been surprised to find out that Jane was Cat's father in the least. But he'd known that Jane respected her so much as his savior, the one who kept him tethered to this world by whatever fashion she could. The idea that Jane would actually turn his back on Lisbon had been unthinkable.

Yet here it was. Perhaps it merely proved that they had all been wrong about Jane. Despite what he insisted they really did mean little more to him then pawns in his schemes to get to Red John.

Cho could live with that, but it meant he would never forgive the bastard.

But he had some hope left, hope that there was something more going on here. Jane didn't know everything and when he did…how could any man not change his mind? If Jane had been there…if he had seen what he had…Cho knew without a doubt he would be even more haunted by it.

Three Months Earlier

It was nearly three in the morning when his phone rang, not something Cho ever particularly enjoyed in the middle of the night but a part of his job nonetheless. He wasn't surprised to see that it was Lisbon calling, no doubt an important case had come in. Now that she was eight months pregnant he was taking over some of her fieldwork until after the baby was born. He didn't mind in the least.

"Cho," he answered, blinking back sleep.

But Lisbon didn't speak.

Instead he heard the sound of heavy breathing, almost a giggle of amusement. Then the creepiest voice he'd ever heard. "Agent Cho. If you respect the lives of your leader and her unborn child, I would come quickly."

Then the line went dead.

If Cho were honest with himself he didn't remember much after that. He just knew what he'd done. He knew he'd thrown on some jeans over his boxers and raced out of the door. He knew he'd called SACPD, calling an all broadcasts to Lisbon's apartment along with an ambulance. He knew he'd somehow driven all the way to her home without seeing a second of the road. He knew he'd broken through her locked front door with his gun drawn. He knew he hadn't been expecting that horrible sight to greet him.

The intruder was long gone but the nightmare he left behind lingered.

He'd followed the metallic scent of blood to Lisbon's kitchen where he saw what had happened. She was tied to the kitchen table by her arms and legs but that wasn't the truly horrifying part. Blood was everywhere, still dripping down onto the floor with a soft splash. There was so much of it…so much that he didn't believe she could be alive.

But Cho refused to accept that. He didn't bother to check the rest of the apartment, he didn't care who was inside. He rushed over to his boss and actually whispered a prayer of gratitude when he felt her pulse, weak but there. With the relief that she was still alive, Cho was able to regain some composure. He grabbed phone to check on the ambulance while rummaging through the kitchen drawers, finding any dish cloth no matter how dirty it was.

"This is Agent Cho, I'm at Agent Lisbon's home. Intruder is gone but Agent Lisbon is down, I need an ambulance here now!"

"Roger that, Agent Cho," the dispatch officer replied, "Ambulance is in route. You'll have to wait."

"Fine," he snapped, discarding his phone as he tried to staunch the bleeding. Her arms, there were so many cuts…how could there be so much blood in such a small woman? Cho removed rag, it was useless now and his eyes alit on something else.

Her toes…they were painted in her blood.

Cho paused then, swallowing heavily. He knew what that meant, only Red John would do that…and only Red John would torture his boss like this. But Red John was supposed to be dead. Could it be a follower?

But Panzer had died, just like other Red John victims…and Jane and Lisbon had been hiding something before he'd left. That was it. Jane hadn't killed Red John, the monster was still out there…and he'd done this too.

Cho's thoughts were interrupted by a low moan. He turned, heart pounding. "Boss?" but she didn't respond, her eyes remained shut. She moaned again, her body tensing even while unconscious. Oh God what did that mean?

The sound of sirens was a relief and it didn't take long for three uniformed cops to come bursting in. It was chaos while they sorted out what happened and cleared a path for the paramedics. Cho wouldn't leave though, he kept holding the bloodied rags to his boss's slashed arms until the paramedic tapped his shoulder and asked to be let through.

"Do you know what happened?" he asked as his fellow medic helped lift her onto a stretcher.

"I got a call, anonymous. Told me to come here if I wanted to save them," Cho explained. "He cut her up…I don't know why." He looked him in the eye. "She's eight months pregnant and bleeding to death, you have to save them."

"We'll do our best," he said simply as if that was answer enough. Lisbon moaned again in her unconscious state and Cho saw the man flinch. "Oh shit."

"What?"

"She's in preterm labor, the baby's probably in distress," He didn't look at Cho but instead instructed his partner. "Call the hospital, tell them to have an OR ready for a c-section."

Cho followed them, ignoring the fact that he was covered in blood, that his bare feet left bloody footprints through her home. He hadn't even noticed that he hadn't put shoes on. "Be honest. How bad is it?" he asked as she was being loaded inside.

The paramedic hesitated and finally met Cho's gaze. "She's lost a lot of blood and the baby is in distress, right now, just hope they both make it out of that operating room alive."

The man jumped into the driver's side of the ambulance and with a blaring siren they pulled away, moving fast down the street. Cho was left to watch them go, standing in the parking lot. He saw Rigsby and Van Pelt both jumping out of their own vehicles and running towards him. He didn't know what to tell them.

There were no words to describe this horror.

That night still haunted Cho. He would never admit to those nightmares of blood all over the floor and his boss completely helpless. He went over it again and again in his mind, trying to figure out what he could have done to prevent it. He should have paid more attention, should have noticed the signs that Red John was still alive. He'd known something was up but hadn't pushed, if he had…maybe they would have told him, maybe he could have somehow kept her safe from that monster.

The truth was a part of him was grateful Jane didn't know about what Red John had done to Lisbon. He didn't want his friend to know how badly they had failed to protect them. How close they had all come to losing Lisbon and her baby.

Cho glanced at his boss who kept her head down and clutched her small frame close, a woman beaten by life entirely. She was bad after Red John tortured her…but it was worse now that Jane was back and tightening the noose with his anger.

Then again…maybe he wouldn't care at all.

Lisbon was ready to get the exam over with. She'd been brought in for a second post-partum exam because of how abnormal the birth of her daughter had been and there were concerns because she had lost quite a bit of blood that night. She was rather numb to any mentions of the night her child was born and was ready to get all of this over with so she could just forget all about it.

She'd already been given the physical exam again along with a careful look at her injuries, she knew that the scar from her c-section had healed nicely but the scars on her arms had taken a lot longer. Now all she was doing was waiting for her doctor to return with the results of her blood test. Cat was happily sitting on her mother's lap, cooing sweetly and happily shaking the little rattle in her hands. Lisbon couldn't help but smile and nuzzle the top of her head, if there was one good thing she had done over her entire life it was having this child, she had no doubts about that.

Dr. Graham walked in with a small folder full of papers, she smiled at Teresa. "Well your blood work came back normal, hormone levels, blood cell count, everything looks fine. And your incision along with your other injuries have healed completely."

"Good, that's good," Lisbon agreed, hoping that this meant the end to her doctor's visits for the foreseeable future.

But she knew that look on her doctor's face. Dr. Graham set the folder down and sat on the roll stool with a somber expression. "But there are some things that concern me."

"What?" Lisbon asked, "I'm fine, you just said that I'm fine."

"Yes, your body has healed from the birth and your attack, but there are still things we need to discuss." She leaned back a little and studied Lisbon. "How are you feeling?"

Lisbon looked confused. "I feel fine."

"Are you sleeping?"

"As much as any parent with a three month old can."

"Have you been feeling depressed? Do you sometimes feel angry or sad or overwhelmed?"

"I'm sorry," Lisbon began, "What is going on?"

Dr. Graham laced her fingers together. "Teresa, you have lost a lot of weight."

Lisbon shrugged. "I had a baby, I had to lose the pregnancy weight."

"That's not what I'm talking about." Her doctor's voice was very serious when she explained. "You're almost ten pounds under what you were before you were pregnant." She studied Lisbon some more. "And from just what I'm seeing now you seem tired and worn out. I'm concerned that you might be experiencing post-partum depression.

"I don't want you to be upset. It's perfectly normal for women to feel stressed out or overwhelmed, especially for single mothers." She sighed heavily, "and of course you experienced quite a traumatic event, it's natural that it would be hard for you to deal with all of the changes that come with being a mother while also having to heal emotionally from the attack."

Lisbon was very quiet as her doctor continued to explain why she shouldn't feel like a failure. She didn't want to admit to Dr. Graham the truth.

She was depressed; there was no way for her to feel any other way. But her feelings had little to do with hormones or the hardship of being a mother. It had everything to do with seeing the cold hatred in Jane's eyes day after day while also suffering and waiting for Red John to finally get his revenge. She knew it was coming, she knew that someday soon she was going to die…and that would be the end of it.

But she was the only one who knew that.

"It's very important that you take care of yourself. You cannot expect to be the best mother to Catherine you can be if you yourself aren't healthy."

"I understand," Lisbon said softly.

The doctor nodded. "Have you considered talking to someone to help you get through the trauma?"

"I had to speak with a shrink, it was a requirement for my job," Lisbon explained and then put on a smile. "Honestly, I'm doing all right in regards to the attack. Really. I've just been so busy taking care of Cat that I haven't really been taking care of me."

Dr. Graham seemed to consider that statement before finally deciding to accept it for now. "Well if that is the case then you should consider asking for someone to help you. It's very overwhelming…"

"Oh yes it is," Lisbon agreed quickly, as if she really was just a stressed out single mom, as if that was the only thing that was wrong with her.

"Do you have any family who can give you a few hours off or stay with you sometimes just so you can relax?"

"My family is in Illinois," Lisbon told her wistfully.

"Well then ask one of your friends to come by just to watch the baby, or perhaps you could consider going to the father for help." Lisbon stiffened when Dr. Graham mentioned Cat's father. Lisbon hadn't told her anything about Cat's father except that she was single; obviously her doctor had assumed that he was still involved somehow. "Would he be willing to help out every now and then?"

Lisbon floundered for something to say. "I…I don't know…I haven't…I never thought about asking him."

Dr. Graham nodded. "Well if it would be more comfortable for you, then consider asking for a friend or getting a sitter. But you really should give yourself some time to relax, you need to be taken care of just as much as Cat."

She wasn't really looking at her doctor anymore. "I understand." But her doctor didn't. How could she understand that it was impossible to relax when she knew that a psychotic killer was watching and biding his time, waiting to kill her? How could she understand that the father of her child wanted nothing to do with her?

Lisbon met he doctor's eyes. "I'll take better care of myself, I promise." She gathered Cat back up into her arms, reaching for the diaper bag, which was resting on the floor. "Is that everything because I have to drop Cat off at daycare before going to work and I don't want to be late."

"That's it," Dr. Graham said, "but if you have any complications or start having any problems. Please give me a call."

"Of course," Lisbon said but didn't really mean it. She got off of the exam table and walked out of the clinic ready to leave this place behind her. She clutched Cat closer to her chest and breathed in her scent again. Lisbon needed that smell, that feeling that she hadn't messed up completely, she still had done one thing right.

Even if ultimately she had already failed.

The day was progressing very quietly, no new case meant not a lot to do beyond paperwork and catching up on reports. These kinds of days meant that Lisbon could go all day without Jane speaking a word to her. It didn't used to be that way, he used to enjoy bothering her on days like this, saying inane things or playing little tricks and games to annoy and amuse her. She told him she hated it when he did that but she would always admit quietly to herself that he did make the hours pass by much quicker.

Without his little quirks to amuse her she had little to pull her away from her troubling thoughts.

Lisbon toyed with the sandwich in front of her. She'd made it at home because she was trying to save money wherever she could, diapers and formula and baby food meant more than expensive deli sandwiches for herself. Not that it mattered, everything tasted like sawdust nowadays.

She considered what her doctor had told her just that morning, that she was losing weight. She couldn't very well deny it; she knew that her pre-pregnancy clothes were getting loose which definitely wasn't a good thing. But her life now revolved around her daughter, coupled with her very difficult job meant she often times skipped meals, it didn't help that she wasn't hungry much anymore so she no longer had her stomach to remind her it was time to eat either.

"It's very important that you take care of yourself. You cannot expect to be the best mother to Catherine you can be if you yourself aren't healthy."

Lisbon considered that for a while. She really did want what was best for her child, that was why she'd been preparing for every outcome, why her will was safely tucked away in her desk with the letter to Jane. Then there was also the notebook. She glanced over and ran her fingertips of the plain leather-bound notebook that contained her many musings, the things she thought her daughter should know. If she were honest with herself, it had also become something of a diary, a place where she could confess everything including her thoughts and anxieties over the terrifying situation she was now in.

It was weighing on her, keeping a secret like this. She hated not having someone to share the burden with and hated being the only one who knew what was coming. It made her feel helpless and trapped, two things she never wanted to be.

And she was just so exhausted. She was exhausted from being so afraid all of the time and exhausted from waiting to die and exhausted over taking care of a fussy infant all by herself. "…you really should give yourself some time to relax, you need to be taken care of just as much as Cat."

What would it be like to have a partner in this? The only person she would ever consider was Jane but that was a tall order nowadays. For one thing, he basically despised her. For another, he had no idea they had slept together, let alone conceived a child. He also didn't know that Red John had attacked her and was now playing his own sick game with her. He didn't know because she hadn't told him.

Lisbon had thought that was the right thing to do, that he deserved this chance to settle back into the man he wanted to be, the machine whose sole purpose was for revenge. But everyone else seemed to disagree with that idea. Sure they agreed that it was her decision to tell Jane or not but they had made it clear that they didn't think it was a good idea to keep him in the dark.

It was eating at her, being alone like this. She was afraid, she was terrified actually and she didn't want to do this anymore.

She needed to tell him.

For a moment Lisbon just sat there stunned as she realized the decision she'd just made. Almost immediately she began to second guess herself but the logical side of her brain told her that she had to do this, it was becoming too much.

She was going to tell Jane. Now. Today. Before she lost courage.

But how could she begin?

Lisbon looked over at the couch where her consultant was lounging per the usual and she considered how she would tell him probably the biggest news of his life.

"Jane, I have to tell you something huge. It's really important and I know you hate me but this is bigger than that, life changing really…"

"Oh come on," Lisbon groaned aloud, "That sucks."

She had to get to the point. "Jane, you should know that you are Cat's father."

Lisbon rolled her eyes and mentally chastised herself again. If she started with that Jane would probably think it was ludicrous. He didn't remember sleeping with her after all. That meant she was going to have to explain about the night Cat was conceived first.

"Jane. There is something you should know. We saw each other again after you left the CBI; I went to your hotel room that night. I wanted to go there to try and get you to remember, I'd changed my mind, at least I thought I had. I was confused and I thought that maybe it was better if you remembered after all because I didn't want to work without you even though I knew it would hurt you. I didn't want you to go through the pain of losing your family again but that was the only way I could think of to pull you out of it…

"Oh my God stop rambling!"

Lisbon slumped her head down onto her desk and beat her forehead against the wood a couple of times.

This wasn't working. She couldn't just go up to Jane and start babbling otherwise it would just become a massive mess of apologies and bad explanations for her actions. She needed to plan all of this out.

She reached over to the leather notebook intent on tearing out a blank piece of paper but she paused. This book was for Cat; it was supposed to be everything she thought Cat should know after she was dead. Lisbon set the notebook aside and instead took out an empty sheet of paper from her printer tray.

She had to keep this simple but explain everything; she couldn't go into lengthy rambles about why she did what she did or anything like that. This had to be right. Jane deserved that much.

Jane, there are some things you should know. When you had amnesia I went to your hotel room the night before you left Sacramento. I only went there to talk to you, to convince you to stay but you know that you weren't yourself then. One thing led to another and we had sex. You left the next day but I found out later that I was pregnant which means that you are Cat's biological father.

Lisbon knew that there was no way Jane was just going to let her keep telling the story after she dropped a bomb shell like that. He'd have more than a few questions and probably even more choice words for her. But she couldn't begin to guess what he would say, so she decided to just plan on the rest of her side of the conversation.

I'm telling you all of this because Red John knows. Red John broke into my home and attacked me, he tortured me until I went into preterm labor and told him everything about what happened to you. He told me that he plans to kill me but not until after he punishes me some more. He knew you would hate me for what I did and he wants to see me miserable, but he's going to kill me, I just don't know when.

She looked over the last bit; it certainly proved that she didn't expect to live much longer. Maybe she should mention that it meant Jane would have Cat to himself soon? No, Jane would be able to figure that much out on his own. Better to just give him the basics and then let him sort it out for himself what he wanted.

But there was one last thing that couldn't be said enough.

I have no excuses for my actions and I don't plan to give any. I just want you to know that I truly am sorry for everything I did. I don't expect you to forgive me, I would never ask that much from you. Just know that I really do apologize for hurting you.

Well she supposed that was as good as it was going to get.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon read over her words a hundred times until she had the whole thing memorized like a script. She agonized over what she'd written and second-guessed herself several times but her determination to finally let this all out in the open won out. Now all she had to do was find the right time to get Jane alone to tell him.

That opportunity presented itself sooner than she'd anticipated. From her office windows she saw Jane get up from his desk in the direction of the break room. No doubt he was going to get his favorite blue cup and make himself some tea. Well he would be alone and with tea, that was a bonus, it meant he might be in a slightly better mood.

For a few seconds Lisbon remained rooted to her seat as she lost her courage to actually follow through on her decision. But one good mental lashing reminded her that she wasn't four, she had to do this for her child's sake after all.

So Lisbon slowly got to her feet and followed Jane's path to the break room. She didn't even glance at the rest of the team; she didn't want anything pulling her focus.

Jane was doing exactly what she'd thought he would be, he had set his blue teacup on the counter and was setting about making his tea just the way he liked it. For a moment all she did was stare at him, watching the way his hands moved. A brief memory of those hands gliding over her body flickered through her mind but she quickly shook that thought aside, she wasn't supposed to think about that night anymore. That was the rule she'd set a long time ago.

When Lisbon looked up again she was staring right into Jane's eyes. She had no idea how he knew she was there since she hadn't said a word but that was Jane. He stood there but didn't speak, obviously waiting for her to start. Jane wasn't one to talk to her anymore unless he had to, obviously he didn't consider this one of those times.

Well she could start this…maybe. No, she had to. She had to get all of this out.

"Jane, I…I wanted to talk to you," the words were sticking to the back of her throat. She swallowed, her mouth suddenly completely dry as she reminded herself to follow the script she'd written. "There are some things you should know…"

But then she stopped.

She saw him. The way he was looking at her, with cold dismissal. Sure he was listening to what she was saying but there was real anger in his eyes, anger that was directed solely at her. He'd been giving her the silent treatment; he'd told her that their friendship was over, all as a means to punish her.

He hated her.

And she knew that Jane completely believed in revenge.

Suddenly she imagined what Jane would do if she told him the truth about Cat. What if he decided to get revenge for keeping all of this from him? He might want his child but he might not want anything to do with her. What if he decided to try and take Cat away from her?

She could see it; a huge custody battle and she knew Jane wouldn't play fair. He could bring it all up. The fact that she'd slept with him when he was in a fugue state, that she'd lied to him, kept the truth from him and gone against his wishes. That her actions had led to Red John attacking her, that she'd put their child in danger even before she'd been born. That she was having a hard time taking care of Cat herself. Her doctor would even be forced to admit that Lisbon wasn't doing a good job. More than that, Jane could charm a snake, he could convince any judge to take Cat away from her, she was certain of that.

She couldn't lose Cat; she was all she had now.

"What is it?" Jane asked coolly, obviously getting a little impatient.

But Lisbon still didn't say a word. She just stood there blinking up at him as her mind raced with other possibilities.

Jane might be cruel enough to take Cat away from her…but there was an even worse scenario than that.

He hadn't planned this. He wasn't in his right mind when they had conceived Cat and he had never expressed any desire to be with any woman besides his wife, let alone Lisbon. What if he didn't want any of this…or what if some things meant more?

Suddenly she could hear his voice in her head after she dropped the bomb.

"What do you expect me to do? Drop everything and forget what you did? To click my heels for joy at this bit of news? I didn't want to be a father again, especially not when I didn't have a choice and especially not with you. I already had a daughter, one daughter and she definitely wasn't yours."

"Lisbon, what were you going to say?" Jane's voice was very exasperated now and she knew that he was starting to get very frustrated with her.

She also knew that her courage had fled her completely.

Lisbon shut her gaping mouth and shook her head. "Nothing…it's nothing. I'm sorry I bothered you."

Jane gave her strange look, as if trying to decide whether to push her on it or not. But like everything else regarding her, he dismissed it. Obviously he didn't want any part of her life even the parts she was hiding from him. He simply didn't care.

He picked up the teacup and saucer before stepping around her and leaving the room. Lisbon didn't watch him leave. Instead she slumped down into one of the chairs, completely deflated and ashamed. She put her head in her hands and let the tears fall.

She bit down on her knuckle to keep her cries quiet as she tried to compose herself. How could she ever tell him all of this when she didn't know what he would do? What if her worst fears came true?

All she knew for sure now was that she was definitely alone in this.

Lisbon stayed in the break room for a long time trying to come to terms with what just happened…or rather what didn't just happen. She'd had a plan, written out a script but her mind had betrayed her. Just one look into Jane's hate-filled eyes had been enough to sap any determination she'd had.

Perhaps she just had to come to terms with all of this. Jane wasn't going to know about Red John or about Cat until she was dead. There was no way she was going to be able to tell him now, not with all of these doubts plaguing her mind. She couldn't risk losing Cat, she was the only thing Lisbon could hold onto these days. If Cat was gone…well Lisbon could finally understand why Jane was always about two steps away from tumbling down the abyss.

So this was it. She was going to have to keep this all to herself, she was going to be alone in this until she was dead. There were worse things she supposed; at least she would have Cat all to herself for as long as she had left. It didn't escape Lisbon that she sounded like a terminally ill person but that was how she felt a lot of the time.

With a sigh Lisbon got up from the break room table and began a slow trek to her office. If she was going to beat herself up, she might as well do it in the privacy of her office while getting some paperwork done.

She sat down at her desk and her eyes caught sight of the script she'd written to prepare herself for telling Jane. With a groan of frustration she seized the paper and crumpled it up into a ball before throwing it into the wastebasket. She was angry at herself for chickening out and she wanted no reminders of her failure at this point.

Time to get back to work. Her computer had switched to the screensaver since she had been gone a little while. A quick jiggle of the mouse brought up the report she had been typing up before she'd gotten sidetracked. She was about to get back to work when her computer let out a happy little 'ding' and the IM page showed up. While the noise might have been cheerful, it immediately filled Lisbon with dread. Especially when she saw the familiar screen name.

"Cowards die many times before their deaths, / The valiant never taste of death but once." I am disappointed that you lost your courage to tell him. I'm very much looking forward to his reaction when he discovers the truth about your child. How difficult is it to look into that child's eyes knowing that those same eyes stare back at you with hatred every day?

Lisbon jumped away from her computer as if it was a venomous snake. She pressed one shaking hand to her mouth but could not tear her eyes away from the message in front of her.

He'd seen it. He'd seen her fail to tell Jane the truth and he was reveling in it. How did he know? How did he see?

Was he here?

She rushed out of her office and stood in the hallway looking around. The building was filled with people, coworkers and friends alike rushing around to fill out some report, turn in some file, make one phone call, or to chase down evidence. There were strangers too, people she'd never met, people she barely knew, all were going about their business, not even noticing her.

Was he one of them? Was he watching her right now?

Her eyes caught a glimpse of the security camera mounted in the corner, the red light blinking tediously. Maybe he was watching her through that?

Her breathing picked up and she felt the blood draining from her face as another thought occurred to her. What about her home? Was he watching her there? Maybe there was no place she could hide. No place she could be safe.

"Boss?" Grace's voice sounded distant, Lisbon was barely listening as she was so focused on remembering to breath. "Boss, are you okay?"

Lisbon felt her stomach roll around like a ship in a storm while she still continued to panic. Without a word she bolted away in the direction of the bathroom.

One woman was standing at the counter freshening up her make-up and she was obviously startled when Lisbon burst in. Lisbon didn't care, she just made it to the toilet so she could empty out her stomach of the coffee and few bites of lunch she'd managed to choke down.

She heard the door open again and the woman in the bathroom say. "Is she all right?"

Grace's voice answered for her. "I'm sure she's fine." Then there was a beat before Grace asked. "Could you give us a minute…please?"

It took a few moments before the clicking of high heels announced that the other woman had agreed to Grace's request. Lisbon leaned back against the wall of the stall, letting out one long breath. Grace knelt down beside her and asked compassionately. "Lisbon, what's wrong?"

Lisbon couldn't say anything but covered her face with her hands while her whole body shook with fear and tears.

"Boss, are you okay?"

She shook her head, still not looking up. "No," she told Grace gravely, "No, I'm not."

There was a long moment of silence that Lisbon used to try and compose herself again. But that silence was broken when Grace asked hesitantly, "Are you pregnant again?"

Now Lisbon did look up to gape at her incredulously. Then without any warning she began to laugh. She couldn't help it; it was so ludicrous that it was hysterical. "No!" she told Grace, still laughing a little, "who would want to sleep with me? I'm the human cutting board!"

Grace was silent as Lisbon began to compose herself. She obviously didn't agree with Lisbon's self-assessment but she wasn't going to fight it. Something Lisbon was aware of was that once something like that happened to her, nobody was going to question her much on anything anymore.

The laughter began to fade back into somber silent tears. She looked down and hiked up one sleeve to expose the scars on her arm. She ran one fingertip over the long straight scar that extended almost to her wrist. "This is killing me," she whispered, meaning every word.

Grace reached over and put a hand on Lisbon's shoulder. "I know this is hard for you. It was an awful night and no one expects you to get over it any time soon." But when she met Lisbon's eyes she must have seen that it wasn't just one awful night that had turned her into a complete mess. "But you weren't talking about that were you?" Lisbon didn't say anything; she didn't know what to say to be perfectly honest.

But Grace filled in the blanks. "This is about Jane isn't it?"

Lisbon let out a ragged breath before stating the obvious. "He hates me, Grace."

"Jane doesn't hate you."

"Yes, yes he does," Lisbon cut in, "and I really can't blame him. After what I did…he has every right to hate me."

Grace pondered her boss's words for a moment before saying. "Maybe you should tell him the truth. I think if he knew what happened to you that it would make a big difference. And he should know about Cat."

"No," Lisbon told her quickly, "No, I can't do that."

"He's Cat's father."

"I can't tell him, Grace," Lisbon explained, "I can't tell him because I can't even begin to imagine what he would do."

"I know it will be a surprise for him—."

"That's an understatement, he doesn't even remember sleeping with me."

"But I think Jane would just want the opportunity to be a father again."

Lisbon didn't say anything for a bit, just toyed with the bit of tissue paper she crumpled into her hands. "What if he tries to take her away from me?"

Grace took in a sharp breath, clearly surprised by that scenario. "Jane wouldn't do that."

Lisbon shook her head and locked eyes with Grace. "I don't know what Jane is capable of except that he seriously wants to punish me. This silent treatment is about revenge, and that's just for me letting him go. This is so much more than that! If he is angry enough…if he hates me enough…?" Her voice trailed off and she got very quiet again. "He doesn't want anything to do with me…why should our child make a difference?"

The other agent was silent as she tried to search for a counter argument but came up short. She couldn't say for certain that Jane wouldn't try to hurt Lisbon; she knew that he was already hurting her now. She also knew that Jane could do cruel things, especially when it involved something that he was obsessed about. So, no, she couldn't be certain that Jane wouldn't try something like that just to hurt her.

"Even if he did try to take custody of Cat," Grace wasn't sure if he would, she preferred to think the best of people. "He wouldn't succeed, you are a great mother, no judge in the world would take Cat away from you."

But Lisbon wasn't looking at her. Now her eyes were focused on the wall of the stall in front of her. "If he tried to take Cat away from me…I'm not sure if I'd fight him."

Now Grace was stunned. "What?"

Lisbon shook her head. "Cat deserves so much better than me."

"No, no Lisbon you are wrong," Grace told her frantically, "You are an amazing mother and Cat is lucky to have you in her life."

"I almost got her killed," Lisbon reminded her. "She was only conceived because of a head injury and now her father cannot even look me in the eye. How can I call myself her mother?"

"You gave birth to her."

Lisbon chuckled softly and shook her head again. "I didn't give birth to her, Grace. Cat wasn't born. She was cut from my body to save her life while I was unconscious. All because a monster tortured me because of what I did."

Grace's hand on her shoulder gripped harder. "Lisbon, listen to me. You sacrificed everything for that little girl. She is your whole life and every day you strive to take care of her and keep her happy. That is the best thing a mother can do and you do it so well. You aren't just a mother, you are a great mother."

Lisbon didn't move, but blinked a few times as a few tears spilled down her cheeks. "Jane is going to see this," Grace continued, "he is going to see that you are a good person and that he should be so grateful for everything you did. It doesn't matter that you let him go, you did so much more. You gave him a baby, another child! That's a gift!"

She looked up into Grace's eyes. "He hates me, Grace," she repeated, "he can't even look at me. Every time I see him he just…every day it cuts through me like a knife to have him just ignore me. All I want to do is cry, that's all I can do anymore is cry and scream and stop myself from begging him for forgiveness." She began to cry again, much harder now.

Grace pulled her closer and in for a hug. Lisbon didn't fight her on it; instead she let herself be comforted by younger woman. She needed a shoulder to cry on, needed to let out at least this much out.

When she began to calm down Lisbon felt like there was one last secret she could share, one small part of this that she could let out.

"I'm in love with Jane," she admitted very softly. She looked up into Grace's eyes and begged her gently, "Please don't tell anyone."

Grace nodded softly and Lisbon rested her head back against the wall. Content for the moment to sit in the comforting presence of her friend. She knew that she hadn't said everything, not even close. There were still so many secrets that she had locked inside, but it helped to let at least a few of them out.

But Jane didn't know. He didn't know anything and he was the one who needed to know the most. Lisbon knew that. But she also knew that she couldn't tell him yet.

Maybe she never would.

The three members of Lisbon's team that were at least slightly in the know were also aware that their boss wasn't quite as forthcoming as she said she was. They had all started to suspect it before but with her breakdown in the bathroom that day; they were all certain something more was going on.

Grace saw the real fear in Lisbon's eyes, the way she'd been trembling, and anxiety that had been plaguing her for months. She had to admit that it wasn't just anger and depression that was haunting their friend, there was something else. Something she didn't want to let them know about, something that she was trying to protect them from.

The problem was that they didn't know what.

"She's hiding things," Grace declared when it was just the three of them in the bullpen. "I mean she ran to the bathroom, threw up and then broke down crying. Something has to be wrong."

"Well a serial killer did break into her home, cut her up and almost killed her," Rigsby reminded her.

"It's more than that, this isn't just lingering trauma, there is something else going on it's like…it's like she terrified to even be alive."

"Something is going on," Cho agreed, "something bad."

"Do you think its Jane?" Grace asked, "he's hurting her so maybe…maybe that's what's making her so upset."

"Oh it's not just Jane," Cho explained, "She's not afraid of him. She's afraid of something else."

"But he is hurting her."

"Of course he is and he knows it too."

That made Grace feel so sad, it hurt knowing that their friend was deliberately trying to hurt Lisbon, and succeeding immensely. It wasn't right, not now, not with everything that had happened. She loved him, loved him and had his daughter and yet here he was acting as if she didn't exist. Would that change if he knew? To be perfectly honest Grace was a little afraid to find out.

"We need to know what she is hiding," Cho declared.

"What do we do?" Rigsby said, "she won't tell us."

"We find out."

"How?" Grace asked.

"We could break into her desk," Rigsby offered, "There's probably something in there."

"Sure," Cho said, "you'll be lookout so she can kill you first when she catches us."

"Well what else are we supposed to do?"

"Go to the one person who can get answers out of her," Cho explained. "Jane."

That wasn't something the others were willing to accept easily, Grace was a little mad that Jane was treating Lisbon this way and Rigsby was just uncomfortable asking for help when they hadn't told him everything either. But they didn't really have a choice.

It didn't take long for Jane to come wandering back into the bullpen, silent and somber. He didn't smile or crack jokes as often as he used to, maybe he was just as sad as Lisbon…or just as angry at them too. But he caught on quick that something was up. "All right, what do you want from me now?"

"Lisbon is hiding something," Cho stated.

"Of course she is, more than one something if I'm correct," Jane agreed, "quite unusual for her to do so but then I imagine quite a bit has changed over the past year."

"So you already knew?"

"Yes, she's not very good at hiding her emotions, though I'm impressed she's actually attempting to hide whatever she is." Now he met Cho's eye with a bit of ire. "But I'm sure it helps that you know most of them."

There was no mistaking that slight edge. So he was mad at them too. But Cho wasn't fazed. "We were there," Cho said with a slight shrug, "she didn't have a choice."

"I suppose but it doesn't change the fact that you still haven't told me."

"Maybe you don't want to know."

Jane actually rolled his eyes. "We all know that isn't true."

"We need your help," Grace said, interrupting the argument. "Lisbon is hiding something, something very bad, from all of us. We want to help her but we can't do that without knowing what is going on."

"And you want me to figure out what it is," Jane finished. She nodded and Jane smiled but he didn't speak for a moment, as if turning it over in his mind. Then he gave them a careful look. "I'll tell you what. I'll figure out what Lisbon is hiding from you and tell you everything…if you tell me what she's hiding from me."

They stared at him as if he'd asked them for a fortune in gold rather than some well kept secrets. He clearly enjoyed catching them off guard like that but really he wanted the opportunity to find out what the hell was going on.

Cho studied him carefully. "You're going to try and find out what's going on whether we tell you or not."

"Yes, but this will determine whether I tell you what I find."

It wasn't an easy deal for them though. "If we tell you, she'll shoot us," Rigsby pointed out.

Jane shrugged and stood up. "Probably, I guess it all depends on how badly you want to know." He smiled now like a snake. "Come on, confession is good for the soul."

But no one was quite as forthcoming.

He shook his head. "Disappointing."

"It's not our secret to tell," Grace pointed out.

"You can tell yourself that," Jane replied, indifferent, "if that gives you some comfort. But if this is something I should know then maybe I should know it."

Cho shrugged. "Maybe you should try asking Lisbon."

But Jane dismissed that. "No, if she wants to handle this on her own then she can do just that."

Grace hated the way he said that so coldly. "You don't mean that."

"Of course I do."

She shook her head. "You don't know what you are saying. You're going to regret this."

But Jane didn't seem to care. "I doubt it."

He didn't stick around after that, simply leaving the bullpen as he dismissed them entirely. They were all dejected by this answer even if it wasn't wholly unexpected. They all knew Jane wouldn't go into this willingly and really, why help them out when they weren't going to help him?

But it was his attitude towards Lisbon that hurt them the most.

"Do you think he really hates her?" Grace asked softly

Cho shook his head. "No." But the truth was he didn't know if he was lying or not.

He could only hope.

It was going to be a night in the attic for Jane, he was planning to head up there without a word to anyone but on his way he saw Lisbon waiting for an elevator. He considered just ignoring her and heading for the staircase but the conversation with the team earlier had pricked his interest more than he wanted to admit. But his interest was purely selfish; he wanted to know what she was hiding about Red John, that was all.

Jane ignored the voice in the back of his mind calling him a moron for even thinking he would ever not care about Lisbon as he made his way over to her. She didn't even hear him; she was completely lost in the fog of her own thoughts, that wasn't like her at all. "The team cornered me today," he said, making her jump before she turned to meet his eyes. She looked exhausted, like she was just tired of living really. "They wanted me to find out what you are hiding from them."

She didn't even make the effort to look surprised, just seemed tired and resigned. "What did you tell them?"

"That they would have to tell me what secrets they were keeping for you first."

Now her eyes flickered, just a little. "I take it they didn't agree."

"Unfortunately," Jane said, "But I will find out on my own, not that I don't have a few ideas."

She shook her head. "You don't know anything."

Jane couldn't resist a challenge. "I might not remember but you are still an open book." She didn't look like she believed him and refused to meet his eyes as the elevator pinged before the empty box slid open. "I know it has to do with Red John."

Lisbon did stop in the middle of the doorway but stepped into the elevator anyways. "I have to go home," she told him, pressing the button.

But Jane stepped forward and pushed his arm in the way of the closing elevator doors, forcing them to remain open. He looked right into her eyes, entirely serious. "If you play a game with Red John, you will lose. You know that. You can't do it on your own."

To his surprise she looked right at him, her eyes completely dead. "I know…I'm not trying to win. I know very well that I'm going to lose."

He stepped back completely stunned by how…resigned she was. It was like she was waiting for the worst. For death.

What the hell was going on?

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It took a long time or Jane to go to sleep, not just because of his own problems in the area but also because he was almost afraid to close his eyes now. The lone x-rated dream he'd had of Lisbon was still vivid in his mind and would be impossible to forget. It kept playing on repeat in his mind, one long sensual loop after another. He knew exactly how she tasted, what sounds she made when she climaxed…it hadn't been easy when all he'd had was fantasies, realistic dreams were damn near impossible.

He didn't know what it all meant but it was driving him insane. What had happened? What had Red John done? What had she done?

When he finally had drifted off he didn't know what to expect, just hoped for dreamless sleep. Somehow he knew that wouldn't happen. But he didn't dream about making love to Lisbon, not this time.

This time he dreamed of Charlotte.

Charlotte was standing at the beach, just short of the waves lapping at her pretty bare feet. She smiled that sweet beautiful grin, her blonde curls tumbling everywhere. "Come on, Daddy." She broke into a run, racing through the sand towards an unknown destination.

He followed her gladly, he loved chasing her, loved being with his little girl again. She just kept running, up towards an unfamiliar home, until she was safely inside. He ran after her to see where she was going.

"Mommy!" she shouted and all but leapt into the arms of the woman standing in the room. But it wasn't Angela who was holding his daughter tight.

It was Lisbon.

She hugged her daughter close, smiling down at her with the look of real love. This couldn't be Charlotte, no, it was someone else. Some child that looked so much like her.

"Daddy," the girl said, still grinning "Come on!"

Lisbon looked up into his eyes, a soft content smile on her lips. "What are you waiting for, Daddy?"

But he didn't move, just stood there staring at what was supposed to be his family. It took a long time for him to notice it, or maybe it wasn't there at all. But then it was.

Behind Lisbon was the bright red smiley face on the wall, dripping blood. It was shiny and still wet, the smell of blood growing in the room. Jane walked over to it, placing his fingers in the blood; it came back red on his fingertips. "Whose blood is this?" He said, staring at the red mark in front of him. "Whose blood is this?"

"Mine."

Jane turned back to see that the little girl was gone and Lisbon was standing alone.

She was covered in deep cuts, her arms, her chest and one long cut right through her throat. Her skin was white and her lips pale; eyes filming over like the dead. She stared at him with the eyes of one who was already gone. Then she collapsed into his arms, leaving his hands stained with her blood.

Jane woke up trembling. It wasn't the first time he'd dreamed of Red John killing Lisbon but this was something entirely new. Charlotte…but not Charlotte, Lisbon as her mother and then the blood.

He shook his head and tried to sort it out. This meant something, his subconscious was screaming out the answers.

He just couldn't see them.

A/N: Hmmm Jane's subconscious is speaking to him, what do you think he knows but won't allow himself to see?

The next chapter will be HUGE when Brett Stiles makes an appearance and gives Jane his biggest clues yet on what happened to Lisbon and what he needs to do to finally see what is going on. Stay tuned.