Forgive Me If I Fall in Love

A Doctor Who story.

Summary (Sort of): The Doctor reflects on his first adventure with Clara in "The Rings of Ahkaten"

He watches her as she bounces out of the TARDIS after her first trip out, clutching her mother's ring in her hand and promising to return soon. Her face lights up brightly as she smiles at him before she exits. After he shuts the door, he leans against it with a sigh, the weight of his thousand-plus year life wearing heavily upon his shoulders.

His mind flickers over the mystery that is Clara Oswald, the impossible girl twice dead. But right now that mystery doesn't matter to him because a more pressing thought, more like an epiphany, creeps into his mind as her face flashes before him aside another long lost face.

As her face slips back from his memory, he speaks to his ghost:

'She's so much like you. Rassilon, she's so much like you it hurts. Her youth, her enthusiasm, her beautiful…'

Not quite willing to go any further he continues his one-sided conversation

'…..Anyway…we just got back from her first trip. Remember yours? This trip reminded me of our first go outer space. Do you remember that day? Today was a lot like that. I took her to a completely alien society on a distant planet in the farthest reaches of space and time. Species she could have only dreamed about, and she looked at them, not with fear or shock, but with absolute wonder. Just like you did. Rassilon, I'll never forget the look on your face that day…'

The Doctor stands up, briefly breaking his reverie, to sit down upon the steps in the back of the redesigned TARDIS. He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair as he continues.

'I turned around for a second to look at something, and she wasn't behind me as I turned back to say something to her. Remind you of anyone? I'd teach her my rule of no wandering off, but I don't see how much good it would do, seeing as you never followed. Though if I'm being completely honest, I was the one who wandered this time. I found her again, and we took our place to watch this beautiful ceremony. Oh you would have loved the music. You were always singing around here…'

He stretches for a minute before making his way down into the halls of the TARDIS. He wanders down the hall for a bit before stopping at a door and briefly pauses there. Opening the door, he removes his jacket that feels so heavy to him right now and sits down on a bed that has not been used in so long.

'She found trouble, like you always seemed to find, in the form of a little girl. Not just any little girl. She found the Queen of Years, the center piece of this entire ceremony. Well, it was all going smoothly, and then….it wasn't. The poor child was being sucked to this temple where she was going to be sacrificed. I grabbed Clara's hand, and I ran.'

The Doctor reaches over to look at a photo sitting on the nightstand. He brushes his thumb across the photograph that was beginning to whether with time. Yet, for him, the memory seemed but a day away.

'My intention, if I'm being honest, was to get back in the TARDIS and leave. Maybe, I could give her a do-over on this whole alien trip. But then I saw she had stopped. She yelled at me. Just like you would have. Refused to let me just walk away while someone she didn't even know was in danger. If someone was in trouble, she wanted to help. See? Rassilon, it's like she's you reincarnated. So I lied. Told her how it was a rule not to walk away. I couldn't reveal to her how much of a coward I was.'

Leaning back on the bed, the Doctor takes in the surroundings of a room that will never again have an occupant. He lets out a defeated breath.

'We rented a vehicle to rescue the little girl. To pay for it, Clara willingly gave up her dead mother's ring so she could save that child. She gave up something way beyond monetary value to save someone she didn't even know. I definitely think you would like her if you had the chance to meet her. We made it to the temple, and she wasted no time in trying to coax the girl away from the creature beginning to awaken. When I saw the truth that the god the people there worshiped was actually a giant planet that feeds on memory, well sort of, I think you can guess what I chose to do next.'

He sighed as he leaned up to sit upright on the bed. His eyes caught a glimpse of a jacket he hasn't seen for a while and picks it up. He clutches it to his chest, breathing in the long forgotten scent of its former owner. He lies back down on the bed.

'I told her to run, under the guise of saving the child. I didn't tell her of my plans of sacrifice. She left, and I offered this so-called god the sum of all of my memories. I didn't plan for her to return. But she did. Again, she offered a precious memory for someone one she just met. So brave, so self-less my...I mean…Clara is. The best part is, none of what she saw scared her off. She wants to see all of what time and space has to offer. Just like you.

The Doctor lets go of the jacket and stands up. He turns to leave the room but stops. He reaches for the photograph he looked at earlier. He looks with fondness at the young pink and yellow human who ran away with him and stole his hearts. With a sad smile, he kisses her image and sets the picture down. One last look in the room, he then makes his way out with a lone tear falling down his cheek.

'Oh my beautiful Rose. I will never ever forget you. But, forgive me if I fall in love.'

So the latest episode "The Rings of Ahkaten" generated so many feels which in turn, generated the need to write this. This episode reminded me a lot of Rose's first few trips in the TARDIS and Clara reminds me so much of Rose it hurts. I hope you liked it.