I feel incredibly awkward and scared posting this. Ive never written anything like this. It's heavily based on my own experiences with panic attacks which have recently returned (for different reasons than within the story). I needed a way to express my feelings and so i decided to use writing. Anyway I hope I've successfully conveyed the experience of a panic attack, however this is based on my own experiences, everyone may experience a panic attack in a different way.

Panic

I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down.

It didn't help. I couldn't do this, I was a fool to think I could.

My palms were sweating and my hands were trembling, I had to get out of here. I pushed my way through the throngs of people on the busy train station. The noise was pounding in my head, everything was closing in on me and I was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe. The noise around me was becoming increasingly distorted as I tried to regain control over myself. My attempts were unsuccessful, I had to get out of the situation.
I pushed my way outside of the tube station and took a deep breath as I felt the fresh November air hit my face. It was refreshing and allowed me to regain some composure. I lent up against the wall as a feeling of dizziness consumed me, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I can do this, I've done this so many times before. I can be strong. I need Jasper to be strong.

I opened my eyes and drew in a shaky breath, I needed to talk to Jasper. I hailed a cab and gave the driver directions to Jasper's house. My tone was brusque, i didn't want to risk starting a conversation with the driver. As I sat in the back of the cab I wound my hands together trying to keep myself under control. I couldn't lose it in the back of the cab.

I felt tears form in my eyes. I couldn't do this, I didn't feel strong enough to fight. I knew what was happening to me, I was having a panic attack. That's why I felt like the world was closing in on me, like I was about to faint. Ten years I had gone without one of these attacks and yet all of a sudden they had returned. I was back at square one with nothing left in me to fight, I was an empty shell.

The taxi pulled up outside a swanky townhouse, Jasper's home. I handed him the money and ran from the car, afraid he might start talking to me. I knew that if I opened my mouth to speak I would come undone, I'd cry, I'd scream and ultimately I'd fall apart, I'd lose what little control I still hold. I drew my arms tightly around my waist, as if I were hugging myself, and swiftly made my way to the front door.

The door swung open before I even had the chance to knock. There in front of me stood my personal chill pill, my best friend, Jasper.
"Bells what's wrong?" He asked, taking in my vulnerable stance, the desperation on my face and the tears in my eyes threatening to fall.

"Everything." I whispered as tears began to roll down my cheeks. Jasper pulled me into his warm embrace and took me inside. I didn't struggle, I knew what was about to happen.

Jasper had been my rock when my panic attacks began, ever since my parents divorced and I blamed myself. He had been there for me, understood what I was going through and above all he helped me through them. We had thought between us we had fought them off, that I was free from my own personal hell but today had told me otherwise. I was still the victim, the prisoner of my own mind.

Jasper sat me down on his black leather sofa, in his living room, he sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. I hid my face in his shoulder and sobbed. I felt defeated, I had nothing left inside of me to fight with.

The tears eventually dried up and I pulled away from Jasper shoulder, smiling at him slightly to say thank you for allowing me to have my little outburst.
"What happened B?" He asked, concern evident on his face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I prepared to tell Jasper exactly what had happened.
"They're back." I whispered, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks yet again. Jasper didn't interrupt me, he didn't ask what was back, he just allowed me to continue.
"I was heading to work, as usual, I was feeling stressed because I was supposed to be heading a big meeting today. Anyway, I stepped onto the tube station and all of a sudden I felt a panic attack come on. My heart sped up, the noises around me became distorted and people began to spin, I thought I was going to faint. My hands were shaking, my palms were sweating and I felt so sick. I felt like the world was closing in around me and I was trapped, there was no way out Jasper. I couldn't escape the feeling, it was consuming me. I don't know how but somehow I found the strength to leave and as soon as I got out I hailed a cab and came to you." Jasper squeezed my arm as tears welled up in his own eyes.
"Do you really think it was a panic attack?" Jaz asked me.
"I know it was Jaz, I'll never forget that terrifying feeling of having one."
"We can fight it Bella, I'm here for you. You've fought them off before, you can do it again."
"I don't know if I have the strength to do it again Jasper." I blinked away the few tears that were left in my eyes and looked up at Jasper through my lashes. His face was one of determination and pity.

"I don't want your pity Jasper, I have enough for myself without you too."
"Stop being such a drama queen. Now I'm going to dig out our old box sets of Charmed whilst you call your work and tell them you're sick."
I smiled to myself as memories of Jasper and I watching Charmed came flooding back to me. It had been our routine, whenever I had a panic attack Jasper would be there, he'd hold me while I cried and then we'd sit in silence and watch Charmed as we both tried to figure out how we could turn me into a normal person.

"You better call soon Bell! I don't want Mr Cullen upset with you, after all you're supposed to be putting in a good word for me to his sister." I chuckled to myself and pulled out my mobile, I didn't want to ruin Jasper's chances at happiness, he deserved it.

I would find the strength to overcome these panic attacks, I had done it before, I could do it again and no doubt I will have to in the future. I would fight through this, I deserved to be happy. To go out without wondering what would trigger the horrendous feeling of the world attacking me. Panic attacks would not rule my life. That was one thing I was certain of.

Thank you for reading

XO