I raised my eyes up from my lap to the newly arrived
train. The raindrops fell freely from the night sky and my
heart felt as black as the clouds as I reached for my
suitcase.
"All aboard!" the conductor called from out the train
window. It was just like in the movies, I thought dimly.
As I stood up my legs suddenly turned to jelly and I
had to fight to keep standing. I took a step towards the
train then stopped. That would have been the moment that I
reconsidered. I could have turned around at that moment and
fled back to Juuban. That would have been the moment except
for one thing. I would have re-thought if I could have
thought, but at that moment the only thing that filled my
heart and mind was all-consumable pain. For the first time
since I met him, I was not even thinking of my beloved.
Only the pain was there. So, in that one moment when I
would have thought twice, I thought about how big the train
was instead, giving my mind an easy thought for a change.
With that I adjusted my-, his Azabu Institute jacket,
picked up my bags and walked solemnly through the closing
train doors.
As I looked out my window I thought finally, with all
decisions made and opportunities to turn back gone, I
thought for the hundredth, and yet first time, first real
time that is, back to what got me on that train in the
first place. I thought back to our fight with the Black
Moon, but really it started, as most things do, with a boy.
He was actually more of a man than a boy, which made
him far too old for me. Three years to be exact, not so big
a jump if you were twenty, or eighteen even, but an
impossible number for a girl of fourteen. Looking back on
it now, it probably wasn't the smartest thing I'd ever
done; getting mixed up in a relationship at such a young
age. No, bringing him around where my father could see us,
that definitely was the highlight of my stupidity. But I'm
getting off track. None of it mattered then; I was in love…
"OH!! Ice cream store! PLEASE Mamo-chan, can we go
in?" I looked up at him with hopeful eyes, they must have
glistened just the right amount for he sighed his "I Give
In" sigh and gave me a small but adorable smile. I squealed
delightedly and lunged at him but he was ready and caught
me in an embrace before I could bring us crashing down. I
took him by the hand and lead him in to the quaint little
shop I had spotted.
We were in America; the country my parents frequently
brought my brother and me for our annual family vacation.
My father, after much begging and pleading on my part and
on the part of my mother, Virginia being her favorite
state, or commonwealth* rather, agreed that we should go
there this year. For my part I was thrilled, for I knew
that this was the state Mamo-chan happened to be currently
visiting colleges in (much to my father's disappointment
upon his conception of the information.) Besides, Shingo
thought it was boring there, and the only thing I loved as
much, or perhaps more than Mamo-chan was tormenting my
little brother.
Apparently the feeling was mutual; once in America,
Shingo willing volunteered to be a chaperone on Mamo-chan
and my trip to town. Only this time he had back up: a
certain cotton haired (and brained, I thought), beady-eyed
little girl: Chibi-Usa.
"Usagi! Get away from MY Mamo-chan!" she screamed,
more like demanded, as we were about to enter the Shoppe. I
froze dead in my tracks as Mamo-chan slowly and quietly
backed away.
"Listen here Squirt, this is MY day out with MY
boyfriend and you BETTER not ruin it or else I'll tell Dad
that you have an "unhealthy, and serious" obsession with MY
boyfriend, at which point he won't let you near Mamo-chan
for the rest of the trip!" I growled angrily.
She crossed her arms and lifted her chin up
arrogantly, "YOU'RE just jealous because Mamo-chan loves me
more! Beeea!!" with that she stuck out her tongue and
pulled down her lower eye-lid with one finger. The biggest
mark of disrespect a kid can give.
I was about to do the same when I noticed Mamo-chan
out of the corner of my eye. He had his left arm across his
chest using it to prop up his right to bury his face in his
hand. He was embarrassed. Of course he was embarrassed!
Here he was, almost in college, and to an onlooker, his
girlfriend would seem like his little sister!
I straightened up and brushed down my pale blue dress.
Chibi-Usa dropped her pose, and starred at me
bewildered. "Hey! Meatball Brain! Did ya hear me?"
At the sound of Chibi-Usa's voice Mamo-chan looked up
too, dropping his pose as well. I was so ashamed; I
couldn't stand to look him in the eye. As I backed away
from my supposed cousin I realized for the first time under
the same circumstances how incredibly immature I always
acted and how incredibly embarrassing I was to have, as
anyone's girlfriend much less an eighteen year-old's.
I spoke finally my voice trembling as I remembered
Chibi-Usa's words and feared them to be true. "All- All
right then, I'll back off."
Mamo-chan's eyebrows furrowed with confusion. "Usako,
are you-?"
"I'm fine." I cut him off sharply. "I'm fine, I'll
just um, be in the Souvenir Shoppe." I finished softly,
nervously fixing the chain on my crescent necklace. With
that I turned on my heels and walked in the totally
opposite direction of my said destination, squeezing my
eyes closed shut as to not let any tears out.
Looking back I was being in a way selfish then, but it
was the same unconscious kind of selfish that got me on
that train. I thought I was acting in the best interest of
another person, the person I loved more than, at the time,
any other being alive.
The difference between the two memories is that as I
began to walk away in the earlier of the two memories, I
soon felt warm hands encircle my waist, stopping me in my
tracks and slowly turning me around to face their owner. He
nuzzled his head against mine, and softly kissed my lips
leaving me dazed. You couldn't have snapped your fingers
quicker than he coaxed me back into his embrace.
However, with the later memory, (but the first to be
recalled), no warm hands came to hold me and coax me back,
they didn't know they needed to. I left in blackness, when
the moon from which I came was glowing. No more
comparisons, here it is: the story of my gift, my curse,
and now my only reason to live.
train. The raindrops fell freely from the night sky and my
heart felt as black as the clouds as I reached for my
suitcase.
"All aboard!" the conductor called from out the train
window. It was just like in the movies, I thought dimly.
As I stood up my legs suddenly turned to jelly and I
had to fight to keep standing. I took a step towards the
train then stopped. That would have been the moment that I
reconsidered. I could have turned around at that moment and
fled back to Juuban. That would have been the moment except
for one thing. I would have re-thought if I could have
thought, but at that moment the only thing that filled my
heart and mind was all-consumable pain. For the first time
since I met him, I was not even thinking of my beloved.
Only the pain was there. So, in that one moment when I
would have thought twice, I thought about how big the train
was instead, giving my mind an easy thought for a change.
With that I adjusted my-, his Azabu Institute jacket,
picked up my bags and walked solemnly through the closing
train doors.
As I looked out my window I thought finally, with all
decisions made and opportunities to turn back gone, I
thought for the hundredth, and yet first time, first real
time that is, back to what got me on that train in the
first place. I thought back to our fight with the Black
Moon, but really it started, as most things do, with a boy.
He was actually more of a man than a boy, which made
him far too old for me. Three years to be exact, not so big
a jump if you were twenty, or eighteen even, but an
impossible number for a girl of fourteen. Looking back on
it now, it probably wasn't the smartest thing I'd ever
done; getting mixed up in a relationship at such a young
age. No, bringing him around where my father could see us,
that definitely was the highlight of my stupidity. But I'm
getting off track. None of it mattered then; I was in love…
"OH!! Ice cream store! PLEASE Mamo-chan, can we go
in?" I looked up at him with hopeful eyes, they must have
glistened just the right amount for he sighed his "I Give
In" sigh and gave me a small but adorable smile. I squealed
delightedly and lunged at him but he was ready and caught
me in an embrace before I could bring us crashing down. I
took him by the hand and lead him in to the quaint little
shop I had spotted.
We were in America; the country my parents frequently
brought my brother and me for our annual family vacation.
My father, after much begging and pleading on my part and
on the part of my mother, Virginia being her favorite
state, or commonwealth* rather, agreed that we should go
there this year. For my part I was thrilled, for I knew
that this was the state Mamo-chan happened to be currently
visiting colleges in (much to my father's disappointment
upon his conception of the information.) Besides, Shingo
thought it was boring there, and the only thing I loved as
much, or perhaps more than Mamo-chan was tormenting my
little brother.
Apparently the feeling was mutual; once in America,
Shingo willing volunteered to be a chaperone on Mamo-chan
and my trip to town. Only this time he had back up: a
certain cotton haired (and brained, I thought), beady-eyed
little girl: Chibi-Usa.
"Usagi! Get away from MY Mamo-chan!" she screamed,
more like demanded, as we were about to enter the Shoppe. I
froze dead in my tracks as Mamo-chan slowly and quietly
backed away.
"Listen here Squirt, this is MY day out with MY
boyfriend and you BETTER not ruin it or else I'll tell Dad
that you have an "unhealthy, and serious" obsession with MY
boyfriend, at which point he won't let you near Mamo-chan
for the rest of the trip!" I growled angrily.
She crossed her arms and lifted her chin up
arrogantly, "YOU'RE just jealous because Mamo-chan loves me
more! Beeea!!" with that she stuck out her tongue and
pulled down her lower eye-lid with one finger. The biggest
mark of disrespect a kid can give.
I was about to do the same when I noticed Mamo-chan
out of the corner of my eye. He had his left arm across his
chest using it to prop up his right to bury his face in his
hand. He was embarrassed. Of course he was embarrassed!
Here he was, almost in college, and to an onlooker, his
girlfriend would seem like his little sister!
I straightened up and brushed down my pale blue dress.
Chibi-Usa dropped her pose, and starred at me
bewildered. "Hey! Meatball Brain! Did ya hear me?"
At the sound of Chibi-Usa's voice Mamo-chan looked up
too, dropping his pose as well. I was so ashamed; I
couldn't stand to look him in the eye. As I backed away
from my supposed cousin I realized for the first time under
the same circumstances how incredibly immature I always
acted and how incredibly embarrassing I was to have, as
anyone's girlfriend much less an eighteen year-old's.
I spoke finally my voice trembling as I remembered
Chibi-Usa's words and feared them to be true. "All- All
right then, I'll back off."
Mamo-chan's eyebrows furrowed with confusion. "Usako,
are you-?"
"I'm fine." I cut him off sharply. "I'm fine, I'll
just um, be in the Souvenir Shoppe." I finished softly,
nervously fixing the chain on my crescent necklace. With
that I turned on my heels and walked in the totally
opposite direction of my said destination, squeezing my
eyes closed shut as to not let any tears out.
Looking back I was being in a way selfish then, but it
was the same unconscious kind of selfish that got me on
that train. I thought I was acting in the best interest of
another person, the person I loved more than, at the time,
any other being alive.
The difference between the two memories is that as I
began to walk away in the earlier of the two memories, I
soon felt warm hands encircle my waist, stopping me in my
tracks and slowly turning me around to face their owner. He
nuzzled his head against mine, and softly kissed my lips
leaving me dazed. You couldn't have snapped your fingers
quicker than he coaxed me back into his embrace.
However, with the later memory, (but the first to be
recalled), no warm hands came to hold me and coax me back,
they didn't know they needed to. I left in blackness, when
the moon from which I came was glowing. No more
comparisons, here it is: the story of my gift, my curse,
and now my only reason to live.