Title: Best. Wingman. Ever. (AKA How Kol Sailed SS Klaroline Home)

Rating: T for fucking language

Pairing: Klaus/Caroline

Disclaimer: Don't own jack

A/N: So first off, this is a CRACK FIC. Second, I wanna thank my love, Alex for reading it and making me feel like this is a little less like a waste of words crap. Thirdly, a few things: Everything is canon up to the Mikaelson Ball but Hayley is here. Tyler is gone. Of course, Kol is very much alive and kicking. I think that's it. Well, have fun and I hope you enjoy!

1: Enough is Enough

"Oh, my dear brother," Kol swaggers (because let's face it, when looking at the term 'swagger' in the dictionary it just tells you, "bitch please, look up Kol Mikaelson") into Klaus' art room.

"Kol, what did I ever do to deserve your audience?" Klaus mutters in obvious annoyance, not even bothering to look away from his latest work.

"Well, you bloody don't deserve shit actually. You and Mama Barbie are seriously breaking my shipper heart! And Rebekah's, Elijah's, Stefan's, Finn's even though he's dead-dead, fuck everybody in Mystic Falls! and more so Damon's! He's just a crying mess 'cause his OTP won't even breathe the same air! What the actual fuck is that?!" Kol rants as he pulls on his gorgeous hair.

If the universe is giving the award for the most WTF face right now, Klaus will definitely win. "Did you anger Miss Bennett again and she turned you into to this blabbering idiot? I mean, more than usual."

"Bitch please. One, Bonnie loves me. She's one kinky witch. Oh, the things she does with just strings and syrup. And the threesomes with Jerbear. Oh and when Anna gets on board! Fuck me! Ghost mixed foursome. Damn," Kol wipes the drool spilling from his mouth. Note to self, schedule foursome later. "Anyways, two, I'm fucking awesome. And three, SS Klaroline will not sink okay! Never! Even if I'll have to get the fucking Pope to canonized this shit!"

Confusion is quite evident in the hybrid's face still, "What the hell are you smoking?! OTP? Ship? Mama Barbie? Canonized? Threesome with Jerbear?! Ghost mixed foursome?! SS KLAROLINE?!"

"Oh God, how are we related even?! I can't with you! Sit your hybrid ass down and Captain Kol will explain." Kol gesturing for the hybrid to sit down, cracking his knuckles.

Reluctantly Klaus sits on the leather couch. "I ship you and Caroline or Mama Barbie-oh and we call you Papa Hybrid-so hard that I sometimes fucking can't anymore okay. My feels are fucking all over the place when you two are breathing the same air, okay?! And apparently so does the entire population of Mystic Falls, well minus that skanky were-bitch you slept with. By the way, ew. And it means that we want you to bang the holy living power of Jesus Christ into Caroline." Kol explains with a smirk.

Klaus looks ashamed with the mention of his tryst with Hayley. He knows that he rocked her world, no questions there. He's a fucking sex god. But the only thing that made him enjoy himself was to imagine that he was caressing those blond locks not brown ones and hearing the moans of his golden goddess not some loud siren wench. Though the news that people want Caroline and him to be together surprised the hybrid but in a good way, making him smile. "Alright, Kol. Explain the rest. OTP? Canon? SS Klaroline? And did you just refer to yourself as Captain?"

"OTP means one true pairing. Klaroline is your shipper name. It's a mesh of your name and hers. Canon means that the ship is legit, like 'to legit to quit'. And duh! It's a ship and I dubbed myself the captain of the ship. Finn might have that pirate look going on but I'm much more awesome. The end." Kol actually takes a small bow.

Although Kol is still speaking a whole other language to him, he gets the gist of it. Regaining some composure, "And what do you want me to do?"

"Well, for one, get off your ass and get that Klaroline lovin' rollin! I have intel that Mama Barbie wants some Papa Hybrid too but she just doesn't want to give up the goods since you slept with that were-bitch," Kol slings his arm on Klaus' shoulder. "But no worries, big brother. Captain Kol will be the best wingman ever!"

Klaus has a feeling this will not end well.

...

Drop me a line.

XOXO, Lysa