First (And probably only) attempt at a CRACK!fic. Honestly, my specialty is angst/horror/tragedy, but I thought I'd give this a go because some of my friends find me funny... Occasionally. Like, if it's a good day. A really good day. Okay, I should stop talking now.

The guild had been relatively silent all day, and for one very good reason. Natsu wasn't there. Lucy sat at the bar across from Mirajane, twirling her straw around in the sparkling water she had ordered. Wendy and Levy had taken their seats on either side of her. Levy's face was buried in a book as per usual, and Wendy was trying to (not so subtly) sneak glances at Romeo who sat down the bar from her. Lucy was nearly certain that Mira had spent the past thirty minutes drying the same glass.

Gray was passed out on top of one of the tables, just lying about in his semi-nakedness. No one had caught sight of Juvia yet, but they knew that she had to be somewhere in the guild, probably with a pair of binoculars to observe her beloved 'Gray-sama'. Somewhere even farther from wherever it was that Juvia was perched, Lyon sat with his own set of binoculars, observing the water woman. And Erza was sitting in peace without giving anyone a glare so fierce that they could shit themselves on the spot for once.

Cana was drinking about twice the amount of alcohol it takes for a normal person to get totally black-out drunk and do horrible things that they will regret for the rest of their lives... Without even a buzz. Macao and Wakaba were watching her with fascination, even though one would think they would be immune to her antics by now. Nab was leaning against the request board, snoring loud enough to earn himself disapproving looks from Max and Gajeel. Jet and Droy were using this time to devise a master plan to win Levy's heart... One that was doomed to fail.

The three Exceeds were off somewhere doing God knows what. Hell, they were probably having more fun than any of the members of the guild were at this point.

Okay, this is about where shit started to break down. The doors to the guild burst open. Everyone was startled by the sudden noise- Especially Gray, who awoke from his nap and ever so gracefully slammed himself into the floor. In the distance you could hear a faint exclamation of, "Gray-sama!" In what sounded like Juvia's voice.

"Hey, what's the big idea?" Cana yelled, pissed that her drinking had been interrupted.

"Yo!" The voice of a certain hot-head seemed to ring all through-out the previously silent guild. Groans could be heard all around, making the pink- err, salmon- headed boy frown. "Why the hell is it so quiet in here?"

"Because you weren't here, Fire Fucktard." Gray muttered, rubbing his head where it had collided with the guild floor.

"Quit your complainin', Bitchsicle." Natsu retorted, already getting into his fighting stance.

"Would you two cool it with the vulgar language? Think of the children!" Evergreen scolded, totally distressed about their filthy mouths. It was ruining the gorgeous atmosphere!

"Curse words are a man!" Elfman argued, proceeding to list off all of the cuss-words he knew. Evergreen promptly kicked him in the side of the face to shut him up in the most beautiful way she could possibly muster, landing with a flip of her hair. Someone shouted 'Ten points!' from across the guild.

"My wonderful peace..." Erza muttered to herself, heartbroken over the entire ordeal. "YOU ARE RUINING MY WONDERFUL PEACE!" She shrieked, launching herself into the jumble of punches and kicks and various forms of magic that were being thrown around carelessly. More and more people kept getting swept up into the ball of madness that had started out with only the hot-headed idiot and the ice king.

"Uh, Erza. I don't think that's... helping..." Lucy trailed off, finding that somehow half of the guild members had been sucked into the mix and were randomly throwing around punches and literally attempting to beat the holy hell out of anything in their reach. She let out a low sigh, turning back to where Mira was. "Y'know, Mira- Ehh?" It seemed that Mira had disappeared too, leaving a cloud of dust in her place.

"Yeah, eat that Nats- OH MY GOD MY BOXERS ARE ON FIRE!" Gray screamed, proceeding to run throughout the guild in panic as his shorts slowly began to disintegrate from his body.

"Juvia will be of service to Gray-sama!" Juvia literally seemed to materialize out of thin air and Lucy began to wonder if she had evaporated out of boredom earlier. "Water slicer!"

"No, no, no, no, no, no, Juvia, not the slicer- AH, HOLY FUCK!"

"Yeah, take that you pansy ass little stripper!" Natsu declared triumphantly. Just as he struck his pose, one of the guild tables came flying towards him... And hit him... Right in the face.

"SHUT UP NATSU!"

"Alright, who just threw the fucking table at my head?!"

"OH MY GOD, GRAY. FIND SOME PANTS!"

"Then give me yours!"

"Guys..." Lucy sweatdropped, trying to call their attention. This was escalating further than she had originally imagined. The entire first floor was already demolished. Half of it was up in flames, the other half totally coated in ice. There were swords scattered about, randomly stuck into the bottoms of over-turned tables and jabbing into the walls- Hell, they were even on the ceiling.

Macao and Wakaba had started arguing over who was going to explain this entire ordeal to the Master. Eventually that escalated into random punches and kicks and magic, just like the rest of the guild. Unfortunately for them, they accidentally knocked the barrel of alcohol that Cana was chugging right out of her hands. The rest of its contents spilled out onto the floor. The brunette calmly looked from Macao and Wakaba to her beloved booze before-

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE SWINGIN', FUCKSTICK!"

And the two of them had to deal with a raging, semi-sober Cana and her cards of doom. Somewhere off on an important mission, Gildarts smiled. He had the feeling that his darling little girl was out kicking some ass... And boy was he right.

Magic continued to be tossed around throughout the guild, leaving an astonished Lucy to stare in awe of the complete and utter destruction that had all started as soon as Natsu stepped foot inside the guild.

"Ice make: Lance!"

"Satan Soul!"

"Requip!"

"Iron fist of the fire dragon!"

Laxus stood on the second floor of the guild, watching the carnage continue to grow. He rolled his eyes. "What a bunch of morons."

Somewhere during the process of this fight, Gray had managed to pants Natsu while he was in the middle of dodging several of Erza's attacks, leaving the dragon slayer clad in his boxers. Gray then proceeded to borrow Natsu's pants for the time being. He enjoyed the freedom of going nude, but he'd had one close encounter too many with Erza's swords.

"Where the hell did my pants go?" Natsu screamed, looking around for any signs of the clothing, fire spewing from his mouth in his evident anger. "I'm not Gray, dammit! I don't strip in public!"

"Fair trade, Asshole!" Gray called, smirking at him from a few feet away.

The fire mage gaped at him in disbelief. "Dude, that's like the gayest thing you've ever done. I mean, it's alright if you're into that, but leave me out of it."

"WHAT!" Gray exclaimed. He totally didn't expect this to backfire on him. "I am NOT gay!"

"Pfft, whatever." Natsu blew him off, catching another flying table instead of letting it smack into him this time. "ENOUGH WITH THE TABLES." The dragon slayer screamed, tossing it towards some random wall.

"I'm serious!" Gray yelled. "I'll prove it!" The ice mage looked around for the specific blue-haired beauty he was looking for and grabbed her by the wrist. He pulled her around to face him and proceeded to kiss her in front of God and everyone.

The entire guild stopped, eyes focused on the couple standing in the middle of the wreckage, kissing as if none of them were there... Or at least they were kissing until Juvia basically died of happiness and melted into a puddle on the floor. Gray turned to Natsu with a triumphant smirk, hands on hips. Everyone was pretty much gaping at the unlikely scene that had unfolded before them.

"Beat that one, you glorified Candle Stick."

Natsu glared at his rival. There was no way he was going to be outdone by this stripper! He stomped over to where Lucy was -miraculously- still seated at the bar and pulled her out of her spot. Before she had any chances at protest, he did something extremely un-Natsu-like. He spun her into a dip and kissed her. Her large brown eyes widened at him. After a few moments she decided, 'Eh, what the hell?' and melted into it.

The guild was eerily silent for a while. Everyone was starting to feel the urge to just...

.

.

.

Yep, they were making out... Nearly all of them. Natsu and Lucy, Gray and what seemed to be a puddle of Juvia (That is, until Lyon decided to jump through the window and challenge Gray to a duel, though he was hit by a random flying table and knocked unconscious), Gajeel and Levy, Elfman and Evergreen, Mira and Fried, Bixlow and Lisanna, Cana and... (Wait, when the fuck did Bacchus get here?), Al and Bisca, Nab and the request board, hell, even Romeo and Wendy were getting in on it. Jet and Droy sat silently crying in the corner over their failed plan, along with Macao and Wakaba who had received a heavy thrashing from a certain fortune teller. Laxus still thought the entire ordeal was idiotic, though now it just seemed disturbing.

Suddenly Jellal walked in. He had been on his way to visit Erza, but... What... What was even going on right now? He slowly backed out of the guild, deciding to come back the next day and never speak of what he saw ever again. Ultear and Meredy saw his distress and decided to check it out for themselves. They came back scarred. One who had not been there for the entire ordeal could only assume that they had partaken in some kind of massive and destructive orgy, which was honestly what looked to be happening at the moment.

And thus an unsuspecting Master Makarov returned home from one of his meetings to find the entire first floor of the guild in disrepair. Not to mention the fact that a good amount of his guild members were shamelessly kanoodling all over the floor. And was that... Gray wearing Natsu's pants? Why were Lyon and Bacchus here? Did he just see Jellal leaving the guild? Is that a table sticking out of one of the walls? Most importantly, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED TO ALL THE BOOZE?

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" Makarov demanded, shouting loud enough to call everyone's attention to himself. They stared at him dumbly for a few moments. "WELL?"

The guild members all shared a look before collectively responding, "Natsu." And scurrying away to anywhere that wasn't the guild. Makarov glared daggers at the young fire mage that was smiling sheepishly in the midst of the hell that had broken loose.

"At least I got to kiss Lucy before I died."

Aaaaaand that happened. Don't ask me why. This was just something that needed to be written and introduced to the world. Sorry about the making out and the pantsless Natsu... SORRY I'M NOT SORRY :D

Everyone seemed WAY OOC, but that is okay with me... Just this once.