Disclaimer: not mine, don't own, blah blah blah

Author's note: If you are a sucker for the romantic awesomeness that is TSOM, you are going to hate this. I don't mind if you do, just leave a review telling me so. It's ok, really. I'm still not sure I like it.

And this is totally AU… I don't know why you have to say that when it become pretty obvious after a few paragraphs, but I'm still trying to get a handle on this fanfic world.

No Safe Place

It could easily be considered the single worst day since she arrived at the Von Trapp villa, made even more so by the fact that the days preceding had proven to be so glorious. Maria had to admit that she did her part to make the start of her relationship with her employer rocky, but with the Lord's help she had seen him change into a kind man and loving father. He indulged the children's newfound love of music and even bent his own strict rules once or twice.

The children had informed Maria only yesterday that it was the anniversary of the beloved Agathe Von Trapp, wife to the Captain, mother to their seven beautiful children. It was her death that drove him to the brink, the reason he pushed the children away and hid himself away from anyone who would remind him of her.

The Baroness chose this day to wisely return to her Vienna home for a couple of days to remain away from the Captain's foul mood and Max made plans to be as scarce as possible. Even Frau Schmidt took Maria aside to warn her of what to expect.

"It is never a good day," she explained. "If we're lucky he will hole himself up in that office of his. I suggest you and the children stay away from him as much as possible. It might be a good day for one of your mountain excursions."

"Haven't you noticed a change in him the last few days? Maybe it will be different this year," Maria suggested with hope.

"I wouldn't count on it, Maria," she replied very seriously. "I can already sense him starting to brood. Please don't take this the wrong way, dear, but you have a way of testing people. And while we have grown somewhat accustomed to it, if there ever was a time for you to control that, tomorrow would be that time."

Maria wished dearly that she had tried harder to be good. And she had every intention of leaving the Captain alone with his grief, but she hadn't counted on the seven sad faces greeting her so early in the morning. In her mind it wasn't right that the children were forbidden to even talk about their own mother. So at breakfast that very morning she disregarded everything Frau Schmidt and the children had told her and boldly asked the Captain to take the children to their mother's grave to place some flowers.

At first he simply turned down her request, but she didn't let it go. She proceeded to list all the reasons it was necessary for the children to spend the day remembering their mother instead of trying so hard to forget. After breakfast the tortured discussion became a full blown argument. It finally ended when the Captain spun on his heels after entering his study and slammed the door in Maria's face.

Afterwards, Maria found the children huddled on the terrace. They wouldn't look at her when she joined them. That was when she knew she really went too far.

"We really wish you hadn't pushed Father, Fraulein Maria," Leisl said. "We warned you this was not a good day for him."

"You're right," Maria answered apologetically. "I should have listened to you. I'm sorry I made things worse." The children remained silent. "You know, I understand what it is like to lose your mother. It always made me feel better to remember my parents. Visiting their gravestones was something I actually looked forward to every year. I just thought it was a good idea."

"We know you meant well," Friedrich sighed. "If it is all the same to you, however, we'd like to be alone today." Maria felt her heart sink. She didn't mean to hurt them. That's the problem with me, she scolded herself. I never mean any of it and yet it always goes bad.

"Of course, children," Maria forced a smile. "I'll check on you before lunch. I truly am sorry." The children filed past her. Leisl stopped and gave her an affectionate look.

"We forgive you, Fraulein Maria," she said quietly. "We miss our mother terribly, but I think we are just feeling a little guilty, too, because we've come to love you almost as much as we loved her."

"Thank you for that, Leisl," Maria answered humbly. "I love all of you, too." She watched them slowly and mournfully wander the grounds for a while before retreating to her bedroom. She dropped to the floor by her bed and silently prayed for every member of the household. She held a small cross that hung around her neck to her lips as she prayed for peace and comfort on this saddest of days.

Maria felt bad when the Captain did not appear for lunch and then again at dinner. She was assured that it was to be expected given the particular day, but she couldn't help but believe her provocations that morning were partially to blame. After tucking the youngest children in for the night, she decided she needed to make peace with him before she herself could go to bed or sleep would be impossible. She made her way to his study door only to be stopped short by the sight of someone else pacing back and forth.

"Leisl, you should be getting ready for bed," Maria whispered as she drew closer. The young woman jumped slightly at the sound of her name. Her look of guilt melted into concern as she turned back toward the door.

"I only wanted to check on him and make sure he is alright," Leisl explained. "But I lost my nerve."

"I guess I had the same idea. I'm sure everything is fine," Maria reassured her. She tapped lightly on the office door, but there was no answer. She knocked harder and the latch came loose and the door swung open halfway.

Maria took a slow quiet step inside. The only light in the room was a small fire burning itself out in the fireplace. She looked around the room and finally spotted the Captain slumped in an overstuffed chair. His hair was disheveled and his shirt halfway unbuttoned. His face was twisted and contorted and yet completely unfocused. His bloodshot eyes stared seven miles away through the walls.

He didn't acknowledge Maria's presence. She was unsure if that was because he was unwilling or unable. As she approached him, she could smell a day's worth of drinking.

"Captain," she called to him quietly. He flinched at the sound of her voice, but he didn't turn his eyes to look at her. A small glass slipped from his loose fingers and hit the floor with a dull thud. Maria quickly returned to the door and told Leisl that her father was fine and had fallen asleep. The girl gave a sigh of relief, and wished the governess goodnight.

As soon as Leisl was out of sight and earshot, Maria went back inside the room and tried to decide her next move. She wasn't totally unfamiliar with the present situation. She helped her uncle many nights after an evening spent in the local taverns with his friends. The Captain, however, was not her uncle and it was not really her place to do anything. Still, she couldn't leave him like he was.

"Captain, I think we need to get you to bed now," she said softly. She reached for an arm to help him up, but he pulled it back with a grunt. "Please, you'll feel better if you sleep in your own bed." Finally he turned his face to her. His eyes widened and a strange look spread across his face.

"Oh, hello! It's you," he said almost happily, his speech slurred and thick.

"Yes, it's me," she answered, thinking it strange that he would be so happy to see her. "Can you stand up?"

"Oh, my darling Agathe… I've been wondering where you went."

That explains it, Maria thought sadly. He thinks I'm her.