A/N: This should obviously be taken with like 200 grains of salt or something. It's April Fool's Day and what this is, is rampant nonsense and (hopefully) hysterical crack!fic. I let my crazy, diva!Gibbs take control and run rampant over the page. It loosely follows episodes from Seasons 1 - 5, and I think you can tell which ones in most cases. :)
Without further adieu:
The Super Secret Diary of Leroy Jethro Gibbs
This journal belongs to: Supervisory Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a.k.a badass Marine sniper, macho scary El Jefe, and coffee aficionado.
September 30th, 2003
Dear Diary,
Hired a Secret Service chick today. Idk, she's kind of cute. Not the same as the last woman on my team but I mean whatever that didn't work out anyway. Not that I'm still thinking about it.
I don't dwell on things.
(except every single mistake I've ever made and also that horrible thing that happened in 1991 but I'm not perfect what the fuck do you want from me.)
-LJG.
November 22nd , 2003
Dear Diary,
Had to drag Kate (new agent girl) on a submarine. She totally bitched me out, so I had to pretend I wanted her instead of DiNosy (LOL, that's what I call him behind his back). I think she wants to sleep with me. She spent a hell of a lot of time all clingy on me when the sub was shifting around. But I mean you can't sleep with your younger female agents it doesn't like work.
Not that I'm still thinking about that.
(also, there was pumpkin ice ream on that sub, like, what the fuck?)
-LJG.
November 30th, 2003
Dear Diary,
Literally so sick of DiNosy thinking with his dick I can't even deal right now.
-LJG
March 15th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Some little bitch broke into autopsy and took my friends hostage. Not even kidding right now, like, he snuck in and then shot Gerald and terrorized Ducky and Kate and then when I went to go kill him that fucker totally shot me in the shoulder. And it hurts and there is no one to take care of me fml.
Thinking I should get married again. Fifth time is totally the charm.
-LJG
ps. –ugh, Kate didn't even stab that guy, and she coulda stabbed him. What is that about? The last female was so much hotter I MEAN COMPETANT. Not that I'm still thinking about that.
April 4th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Looking for this terrorist like it's nobody's business.
-LJG
April 10th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Seriously where the fuck is that little shit.
-LJG
April 14th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Do YOU know where this bastard is?
/pastes picture of Ari Haswari/
/draws mustache/
-LJG
April 21st, 2004
Dear Diary,
I accidentally slept with one of my ex-wives. Which is kind of like finding that terrorist except I HAVEN'T FOUND THAT TERRORIST YET.
Don't ask me which wife it was I get them confused it was the one with red hair.
Wait.
-LJG
April 30th, 2004
Dear Asshole Terrorist,
I WILL FIND YOU.
YOU FUGLY SLUT.
-LJG
May 8th, 2004
Dear Diary,
FML, are you kidding me? So guess fucking what. That terrorist who shot me? Ugh, apparently he's working for MOSSAD. Like. He's undercover. I'm not allowed to shoot him, even though he kidnapped Kate today. I swear to GOD, Fornell and Morrow are keeping me down. NCIS can't even handle me right now I am /this close/ to quitting this shit and becoming a goddamn pirate.
Pirates are cool, and also I have my own boat.
-LJG
June 27th, 2004
Dear Diary,
I miss Kelly.
-LJG
October 19th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Kate and DiNosy literally fight all the time I'm just like, seriously, guys, either shut up or shack up there is no in between.
(not that agents should have sex because that's against my rules because of that one time that I'm not thinking about still.)
-LJG
February 1st, 2005
Dear Diary,
I may have accidentally slept with a suspect.
And by may have I mean I totally hit that.
Ugh, she was blonde, though, but I can't help it there's been a scarcity of redheads lately but blondes are so weird they pretend they have more fun and IDK maybe they do but I don't because let's be honest here when you go red, you always get head.
-LJG
March 29th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Um, someone mailed an eyeball to a petty officer. What is this, some horror movie? God.
Had to send Kate and DiNosy to Paraguay. Tony came back and told McGee that he slept with Kate.
Lol, she got so pissed.
-LJG.
April 18th, 2005
Dear Diary,
MENTION SPRING BREAK OR COLLEGE TO ME AND I WILL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF.
-LJG
May 1st, 2005
Dear Diary,
Newsflash: Kate was in a wet t-shirt contest once. Still can't figure out how she won. Whatever. What a dumb slut.
-LJG
May 15th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Get this shit: someone sent a random-ass envelope to work today and DiNozzo opened it and BLEW THE CONTENTS ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like what the hell, you little shit, did you just FORGET about the anthrax drama?
Anyway we had to fucking get in the showers, and I find out that honey dust I got sent last year was from fucking DINOZZO. And here I was thinking like, that redhead we don't talk about from that city in France sent it.
Ugh, whatever, now I have to get drunk in my basement.
(oh DiNosy almost died but it's fine I told him not to, it's just plague, get over it, Europe seemed fine afterwards, right?)
-LJG
ps. I'm not still thinking about that redhead, just so you know. I'm not.
May 17th, 2005.
Dear Diary,
Well. Kate's dead. So pissed off.
-LJG
May 17th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Why do all the women I love die? What the fuck is that about. Totally re-naming this diary Kate in honor of Dead Kate.
Dead Kate WHO WAS KILLED BY THAT TERRORIST FUCKER ARI HASWARI.
Did I or did I not say he was bad news? God no one listens to me is this what it's like to be a woman?
-LJG
May 17th, 2005
Dear Kate,
are you fucking kidding me.
/screams/
-LJG
May 17th, 2005
Dear Kate,
SHE'S BACK.
askdlhjgialksdgmaojsglamwle
-LJG
May 17th, 2005
Dear Kate,
By SHE I mean Satan. Not the evil Satan, like, the female one, who has red hair and nice heels and a nice ass. The Satan named Jenny Shepard who just fucking disappeared in Paris la-dee-da and she's all "I'm not sleeping with you again" and I'm like okay whatever bitch I never even noticed you were gone.
-LJG
July 4th, 2005
Dear Kate,
I lied I'm still in love with Jen.
Awkward.
-LJG
August 10th, 2005
Dear Kate,
Jenny replaced Kate. With some little Israeli TART with like forty different weapons hidden all over her and I have to teach the little brat how to be an agent. I mean Ziva is fine like she shot Haswari and all and that's cool but, um, yeah, don't put people on my team without asking me, that's so not okay.
-LJG
August 31st, 2005
Dear Kate,
I'm gonna call her Ziver, that's cute.
-LJG
October 4th, 2005
Dear Kate,
Jenny is unresponsive to my attempts to seduce her.
-LJG
November 1st, 2005
Dear Kate,
I swear to god if DiNosy makes fun of my hair one more time I am going to jump off a cliff.
-LJG
November 30th, 2005
Dear Kate,
OMG.
TONY AND ZIVA HAD TO GO UNDER COVER AS MARRIED ASSASSINS AND I THINK THEY LIKE, HAD ACTUAL REAL SEX AND JEN AND I /WATCHED/ IT.
-LJG
ps. Jen saw Tony naked and I think she liked it. How about no.
December 1st, 2005
Dear Kate,
Haha, someone tried to frame DiNosy for murder.
-LJG
December 8th, 2005
Dear Kate,
Did someone break a goddamn mirror because McGee just shot a cop.
-LJG
December 30th, 2005
Dear Kate,
I AM SO DONE. JENNY CUT HER HAIR.
-LJG
January 2nd, 2006
Dear Kate,
I'm never forgiving her for this. I don't even care if she gave it to some kid with cancer. She's dead to me. Pixie cut? You don't look like a fairy Jen you look like a goddamn man. Seriously so done. Not even calling her by her special Leroy Jethro Gibbs nickname anymore.
She is officially Redhead Bitch #5 from now on.
-LJG
April 4th, 2006
Dear Kate,
Ugh, sorry it's been so long. People keep getting murdered or whatever.
-LJG
May 2nd, 2006
Dear Kate,
SOME DIPSHIT KIDNAPPED BITCH REDHEAD #5
-LJG.
May 8th, 2006
Dear Kate,
Bitch Redhead #5 got out safe. She totally let me drive her home but didn't let me come inside (hahahHAHAHA) I mean come inside the house as for the other thing she didn't let me touch her at all.
…..because of this, I may have slept with one of the ex-wives.
It wasn't Diane. I swear.
-LJG
May 9th, 2006
Dear Kate,
Fine it was Diane shut up she's a panther in the sack.
-LJG
May 15th, 2006
Dear Kate,
Woke up today thinking it was 1991. Guess what? Shannon and Kelly are still dead. I miss them.
-i think my name is Leroy
May 18th, 2006
Dear Kate,
I can't remember anything these days. I miss the girls. Ugh, this case at work is so confusing. Ziva came to the hospital and hit me and then she cried. Mike Franks is here too. Also I shaved my head with a razor? I'm losing it.
/pastes evanescence lyrics/
-LJG
May 20th, 2006
Dear Kate,
brb going to mexico.
-LJG
June 8th, 2006
Dear Kate,
All this beer and fishing and sun with Mike is making me talk about Jen way too much.
-LJG
July 1st, 2006
~~~**leROY jetHRO SHEpard**~~~
hearts-hearts-hearts
August 4th, 2006
Dear Kate,
Ziva called. She cried. She needs help. So I have to go back to DC. Mostly because Ziva reminds me of Kelly.
-LJG
August 27th, 2006
Dear Kate,
Jenny pretended she didn't remember Serbia I HATE HER.
/pastes several photos of Jenny he had kept from Serbia/
-LJG
October 4th, 2006
Dear Kate,
I met a girl. She's hot. Her name is Hollis. I know it's a totally bullshit name, but I mean, whatever. She's kind of the opposite of Jenny and Jenny is being weird right now. Like she's secretive and also DiNosy is acting weird.
Everyone is acting fucking weird.
-LJG
January 9th, 2007
Dear Kate,
Hollis & I are boyfriend and girlfriend now.
Jenny is j-e-a-l-o-u-s.
-LJG
March 8th, 2007
Dear Kate,
Okay, something weird is totally up with Jen and I'm worried. Also, DiNosy keeps calling her Jenny and like, no, what the fuck. I think they slept together. Jen is such a whORE SOMETIMES GOD.
we should totally just stab Jen.
-LJG
April 2nd, 2007
Dear Kate,
Literally can't even focus at work anymore because I'm too busy wondering if Ziva and Tony are going to get together. Like she's all worried about him and he's all watching her when she's not looking and oh my god this is worse than Ross and Rachel seriously
-LJG
May 1st, 2007
Dear Kate,
LOL I GOT TO BE DIRECTOR TODAY
And Jen totally called and said she recognized me because of my heavy breathing which is funny because she used to hear my heavy breathing a lot. You know, all those times we had sex that she likes to IDK PRETEND DIDN'T HAPPEN.
-LJG
May 15th, 2007
Dear Kate,
Um.
What the fuck.
-LJG
June 8th, 2007
Dear Kate,
Thought DiNozzo was dead, but it's all cool. Apparently he and Jen were working together on some poppycock undercover mission. IDK he thinks he's James Bond and she thinks she's God.
-LJG
Oct 30th, 2007
Dear Kate,
I almost GOT BLOWN UP BY RUSSIANS TODAY because we were on this ship of theirs trying to figure out why a Marine was dead and if you think THAT is exciting wELL get this: when we got back, Jen and I totally slept together.
So bottom line, I've gotta cut that blonde piece loose.
-LJG
Nov 1st, 2007
Dear Kate,
Seriously, universe?
Case involving one of the ex-wives today. So she and Jen and Hollis all ganged up on me.
Also, I told Hollis we broke up but she didn't believe me SO THERE'S THAT.
-LJG
December 25th, 2007
Dear Kate,
I miss Shannon and Kelly. I want them back. Pls.
-very sad agent Gibbs
January 21st, 2008
Dear Kate,
Tobias and I went to the zoo today. He bought me a teddy bear.
It's not gay though, because we were married to the same woman, so it's fine.
-LJG
March 8th, 2008
Dear Kate,
FUCK.
JEN BASICALLY ALMOST GOT ARRESTED TODAY AND ALSO TONY'S LITTLE FRENCH BROAD ACCUSED HIM OF MURDER.
(I didn't say anything but Jenny is the one who killed that dude)
Jenny came over before she went on her suspension and she was weird and like weepy and she cried and then she got really drunk and she demanded I give her back her heart which is sad but also kind of funny because it's like au contraire MADAME I don't have your heart you TOOK IT AWAY after you stomped on mine.
She's such a drama queen.
-LJG
April 15th, 2008
Dear Kate,
Paid my taxes today xoxo government.
-LJG
April 27th, 2008
Dear Kate,
Jenny seems oddly peaceful and calm lately. I think life is looking up for me, maybe. Also I think Tony & Ziva might get together, so that's good. I'm going to send them to California with Jen, and when she gets back, I'm gonna convince her it's a good idea to go to Paris over the summer.
-LJG
May 2008
FUCK MY LIFE.
-leroy jethro gibbs, forever alone.
-Alexandra
story #124