Chapter 4: Return to the Future

Gandalf, admittedly, had never been to Melbourne before in his life. Why should he? When did he have the time when he was busy with his task of saving Middle Earth's ass? He regretted not exploring Adelaide a little more other than his brief visit to the old people's home while interviewing Mawson … and that was certainly not a pleasant experience he wanted to remember.

Gandalf would thus not be ashamed to admit that it took a while to get his bearings right, and when he finally blinked his vision into focus, he found himself in a strange green park.

"So … Mithrandir. Where are we exactly?" Glorfindel dramatically flipped his golden locks under the morning sun, putting his hands on his hips and observing his surroundings with a raised brow. "Are Estel and Faramir here?" Before waiting for an answer, he called out rather loudly, "Aragorn! Oh, Aragorn! Where are yooouuu?"

Dozens of startled passer bys quickened their pace or turned the other direction. Gandalf and his rescue team were standing awkwardly in a circle, bunched up on a path and disturbing the casual walkers who happened to be taking that particular road that day, and forced them to re-route.

"In answer to your question, Glorfindel, I am told that we are in the gardens of a suburb named Carlton." Gandalf scratched his head, spinning around and observing all the winding pathways and clusters of tall trees.

"Oh thank Iluvatar, trees!" Legolas sprinted away from the group and launched himself upon an old English oak.

"Greenleaf, you come back down at once!" the wizard shouted.

"Just give me a few minutes!" Legolas called down as he climbed higher into the branches. "I need some time to recover from the culture shock."

Gandalf scoffed. "Typical Silvan behaviour. Trust Thranduil to allow you to become so wild! Now, the rest of you, follow me down this pathway a bit."

The rescue crew followed the wizard down the path, then took a road to the left under the shade of some elm trees.

"So, my companions! My sources tell me we are to walk southwest to the Docklands, towards the southbank of the Yarra River and inside the Crown Casino, and from there I will be able to tell where Aragorn and Faramir are!"

Glorfindel was not enthusiastic about this simplistic plan, scrunching his nose slightly, and was rather disturbed by all the traffic and noise. "Okay … then do you just teleport all of us out of here once we're done?"

"How do you know all of this?" Elrohir pressed. "Who is telling you this stuff, like that we're in a garden named Carlton!?"

Trying hard not to groan, Gandalf replied with his teeth grinding, "It is named after the suburb, young Peredhel. Now please, can we all just stick together?"

"You said southwest, right? Cool, 'cause that's where I'm heading. Bye! I'm off to save the day!" Glorfindel began to walk with long steps southwest through the park, heedless of the paths provided.

"Glorfindel, wait! We have to get Legolas first-"

"Yo Glorfindel, wait up!" Elrohir called, running through the trees after him. "I wanna hop on one of those metal moving things!"

"Elrohir, they're called trams and there's no-" Gandalf began.

Elladan rushed after his twin. "You might need to pay for a ride! I have some coins!"

Gandalf's mouth was left half open as he stood and simply stared after his 'team'.

You have got to be freaking kidding me!

"That's fine. It's okay, you all go ahead while I go get Legolas." He walked back to where he had first teleported them and stood beneath the twisting branches of the tree he remembered Legolas scampering up in.

"Legolas?"

No reply.

"Legolas, I think you have had enough time up there!"

After a few minutes of pacing nervously beneath the shade of the great oak, Gandalf sighed heavily behind his hands and cried, "Why? Why does this always happen?" Leaning wearily against the old tree for a while, he felt someone pat his shoulder.

"Hey, if you're feeling stressed, why don't you spend some time at the RSPCA and hang out with some of the animals. That'll calm you down." A young man had noticed the elderly man sighing from what he guessed was stress, and thought he would suggest a way of relieving his emotional state. It was always kind to help the elderly, right?

Immediately, Gandalf's eyes brightened at the news and he beamed, gripping the young man by the shoulders with surprising strength. "That sounds delightful! Tell me, kind stranger, where is this animal haven you speak of?" Although spending time with animals was more a Radagast thing, at this point Gandalf was willing for any kind of distraction.

"Um, there's a RSPCA centre in Burrwood. You're probably gonna have to catch a tram or something to get there."

"Thank you so much!" Gandalf was about to walk away when he turned back around to where his now disappeared crew was last seen. "I'm going now! Bye! Stuff you all! Good luck finding those stupid rangers!"

Having no idea who the old man was talking to, the stranger turned around after waving. "Um, bye old Gandalf-looking guy."

Seriously, was it comic-con already?

"So, let me get this straight. You want me to teleport you to the modern world because you want to in on one of Mithrandir's ridiculous adventures?" Saruman tapped his foot impatiently, gazing suspiciously with one thick brow raised at the two halflings beaming before him.

Pippin rolled his eyes melodramatically. "Uh, no. We want you to teleport us to the modern world because we want to help save our friends. Aragorn is a great guy and Faramir is literally the definition of kindness."

Merry placed his hand upon his heart. "Aw, Pip. Why don't you ever say such nice things about me?"

"Great? Kindness?" Saruman merely scoffed. "From what I've heard, those two are buffoons. Now get out of my tower before I have Grima throw you off."

"Woah, woah, woah! Saruman!" Merry threw up his hands, seemingly in self defence. "No need to be so rash Saruman, my man! My man, Saruman!" He grinned at Pippin. "I'm so funny."

Pippin click his fingers and did a gun impression towards the white wizard. "Right. You're the man, Saruman! Now, about the teleportation fee-"

Saruman was taken by surprise, and he blinked a few times after taking a sudden step back. "Fee? What fee!? Nobody mentioned anything about a fee!" He held an elegant hand to his chest. "Why did you fail to mention this before? I will be getting paid?"

The hobbits merely shrugged. "Right, well, as you seem so self absorbed in your own glory, we're going to go and find someone else to teleport us instead. Right, Merry?"

"Right! So sorry to have bothered you, I guess we're going to have to pay someone else …" Heaving a sigh simultaneously, the duo turned on their hairy feet and made to walk all the way back down from Saruman's uppermost room in the tower of Orthanc, leaving the white wizard gaping in shock.

Finally snapping out of his stupor, the Istari member cleared his throat and rapidly called out, "Just you wait!"

Merry and Pippin both grinned secretly at one another just as they were about to set foot on the stairs descending the tower. Merry turned his head around slowly.

"Yes?"

"If I charge you 500 gold, would you still want me to teleport you?" Saruman asked almost as if challenging them, placing his hands on his hips.

"Done!" Pippin jumped in excitement as he said so, dumping a heavy bag of what sounded like coins before Saruman's feet. "So, how is this done? Do we just stand here and you do all the freaky magic stuff?"

Saruman scrunched up his nose in disgust before flinging the heavy purse over his shoulder onto a nearby table. "I'm not finished yet. First, you have to tell me that I am wonderful and worthy of all the praises in the world."

"Um, what?"

Merry hastily nudged Pippin in the ribs. "Ow! Oh -"

"You are wonderful and worthy of all the praises in the world." they recited in unison, casting confused frowns at one another.

"And you have to say, 'Oh wow, you are so much more wiser and a far better leader than Gandalf would ever be.'"

"Oh wow, you are so much more wiser and a better leader than Gandalf."

With a roll of his eyes, Saruman corrected, "A far better leader, but that will have to do."

Pippin placed his hands in his pockets and leaned forward expectantly. "So! What now?"

"Now," Saruman began, taking a sweeping step forward. "You both stand still, while I'll just-" he cut himself off, raising his staff and allowing the pair to disappear through a portal as soon as his staff hit the hard floor.

Gone with a flash of white light, Saruman sighed and rubbed his forehead, sitting down behind a cluttered wooden table. Shaking his head he wondered aloud, "Did I just get bribed by a pair of halflings? Ugh, I have stooped so low!" Grumbling to himself, he was about to rise and scream after for Grima, if only to have someone to abuse for a few moments. But he caught himself and scratched his chin in thought, eyeing the heavy bag of gold the halflings had given him.

"Hm … I should start a teleporting business …"

Glorfindel was confidently strolling by a long river amidst the city's large CBD area, taking no notice of all the brief stares the many people gave him and simply smiling. With his head held high and proud, he took no notice of any distractions - including screaming children, the many people walking beside him briskly whilst talking into some strange box in their hand, and even the seagulls squawking madly by his feet.

"Hm, this river is not much to look at." he stated to no one in particular, the twins following close behind, stuffing their faces with hot chips. "Now, didn't Gandalf say something about heading to the southbank?" finally turning to face what was left of his companions, Glorfindel put his hands on his hips and looked to the twins expectantly. "Well?"

"Well, what?" Elladan's voice was muffled, his mouth filled food. He wiped the salt from his hands on his tunic and shrugged. "Yeah, something like that. Why, is there a problem?"

Glorfindel paused in his steps to properly gaze at his surroundings. "The southbank is on the other side. And look, that complex looking building has the word 'casino' on it." he pointed his chin to a series of brightly coloured buildings across the other side of the river, the word 'Crown' dazzling the entryway before a fountain of gold, mimicking - funnily enough - a crown.

But the twins were not listening anymore, instead talking amongst themselves in wonder, gazing and pointing at skyscrapers and vehicles in a rather unnecessarily boisterous manner. They had walked passed a number of street cafes, restaurants and food stalls on the way up the river, and had shocked vendors with the amount of very real gold they had at hand when they went and bought the hot chips.

"You know, Elladan, we should move out and come here, and open our own food shop!"

Glorfindel frowned at this and shook his head. "I kind of want to cross the river to reach our destination so then we can wait for Mithrandir, but sure. Talk away."

As usual, the twins were lost in their own worlds and continued to ignore him.

Elladan nodded vigorously in agreement. "We could establish a seafood joint and see if grandma will come down and visit - she is a sea bird after all!"

"Excellent idea! And we will set it up right near all these wonderful food stores!"

"Although, we do have a few problems." Elladan stopped walking suddenly in thought, Elrohir following suit.

"What's that?"

"You're not exactly a proficient reader in the common script, so that may be a problem when displaying menus and writing up bills. That will have to be left up to me."

"Well, you're a pretty awful cook, so that'll leave most of the kitchen work to me!"

Elladan laughed. "Which won't be good, since kitchen's are hot and full of fire. I mean, you might get badly hurt and probably die, but that's okay!"

"But 'that's okay!?'. Do you WANT me to die?!" Elrohir's mouth fell half open.

Elladan immediately stopped laughing, his eyes widened. "No, I didn't mean it like that, I swear!"

"Then why would you even say that?!"

"Because you were the one that told me I was a lousy cook!"

"That's because you told me I was illiterate!" Elrohir stomped his foot indignantly on the wharf's wooden boards. "I'm not illiterate. I can so totally read!"

Glorfindel cleared his throat awkwardly, and took this as his sign to leave.

"Well, I'm not the one who thought that sign back there meant that there was a bloodbath going on ahead."

"It was bright red, scary and it wasn't written in Tengwar!"

"It was a 'STOP' sign for traffic! It literally just said 'STOP'!"

Elrohir suddenly silenced him with a sharp shove into the water beside them.

Onlookers turned, some of them gasping and exclaiming loudly as Elladan landed with one big splash! into the Yarra River.

Elrohir merely shoved the remaining chips in his mouth and walked away after Glorfindel.

Elladan emerged from the murky water, sputtering and coughing before screaming. "It's not my fault you can't read one word!"

"SHUT UP!" Elrohir turned around glaring, still walking hastily behind Glorfindel who for some reason decided to ignore the twins himself, waving and warmly smiling at strangers.

"Excuse me, but is your friend back there going to be alright?" a woman walking past asked the golden elf lord.

"Who?" Glorfindel glanced back towards the river at the elf treading river water. "Oh yeah, that's Elladan. He's fine. He just insulted his brother and lost a fight, that's all."

Elladan's ears picked this up, and so he rose his voice in defence. "He couldn't read a stop sign! It literally said 'STOP'!"

Elrohir screamed back. "I HATE YOU!"

Hm ... don't know what I just wrote. But oh well! I wrote something!