The Boys of Summer

Just to sum up, this quote helped inspire this story, I figured I should put it on here so it can get its due I guess.

'We are Infinite' – 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'

Seth

When we are young, most of us have yet to learn that, life isn't simple. We aren't men yet, we're boys, boys who don't understand that not everyone is a friend…

"Take a deep breath man, you just gotta take a deep breath before you go, and don't think man, don't think or you'll psych yourself out and then I'll have to spend another god damn half an hour trying to convince you to listen to me."

Boys don't realize many things…why would they? They're boys after all, they don't realize the thing about friends…they don't realize that just because someone is a friend…it doesn't mean they're a friend.

"Come on man, just take a deep breath…do it with me…"

So when a boy like me, meets a boy like him… maybe I want to be his friend…but just because he's a friend, doesn't mean he's a friend….maybe…

Maybe he's something more

"Come on, don't you trust me?" His eyes shimmered, I watched him with all his confidence, he had no clue how much I trusted him…but to completely give him my trust could mean the end for us…if only he knew..

"I…I trust you." I whispered. He smiled and we jumped off a cliff into the deep blue ocean below.

2 days later

"I was ten then, dad was still alive and I wasn't consumed by all the stress of being a teenage werewolf…and I wasn't a possibly bipolar depressant yet, but that comes later."

"My dad was part of a council that ran the small reservation we lived in called La Push. The council was made up of 3 members of the main families that could change into wolves, there's Billy Black, there's Old Quil, and then there was my dad, Henry Clearwater. I learned early on all about the council, and what I was meant to become…but I was a boy, none of that was a concern to me…my only concerns were meeting other kids so we could play games and watch Pokemon."

"My dad didn't quite understand boys, I mean he understood none of that grown up stuff interested me, but he wanted me exposed to this stuff so I had some idea what council meetings were about."

"It was at one of these 'riveting' meetings that I met him. The boy who would make my whole life about him…without him even realizing it, Jacob Black. At 10 though, I didn't realize this, I didn't know that I needed him them, that for the next 7 years I was going to see this boy almost every single day and the days I didn't I was nothing but an empty shell of a boy, he would at some point become my only reason for living. It happened the day after my 13th birthday, his father and he had to go out of town for a day, and that whole day I was the most miserable person on Earth, I actually got physically ill with his absence. When he came back and visited me though, I was better in a matter of an hour…my parents had just figured it was some sort of food poisoning, but for me, it was when I first realized I needed him in my life, at 13 I didn't fully understand these feelings…but I was too afraid to tell anyone…I mean who do you tell these things to?"

"Even now though, at 17, I realize these feelings…they weren't love, people could call it that but…the word somehow always feels too weak to describe what I feel for him, it's like…I care about him, as much as any one person can physically and emotionally care for another. I was 15 when I realized these feelings were part of the werewolf imprinting thing…but I can't help but think that's not just it. If anything, the imprinting just solidified my feelings towards him."

"No one, not a single soul, knows any of this though, the only person I have ever told any of this too is dead now…my father. He died a year ago; he was in the hospital, dying, when he asked to have a private conversation with me. He told me that Mom was taking over council duties until I was 21 (I can start making important decisions and drinking, oddly convenient when you think about it) and that I needed to do well in school and take care of the family. He got misty eyed when he told me how disappointed he was that never got to see me shift for the first time and see me imprint on a girl and get married."

"That was when I asked if I could tell him something…and once he said yes I started and found I couldn't stop, I had kept it in for so long…it was like someone turned on a faucet and forgot to turn it off. After I was finally done, he said nothing. He didn't look surprised, or angry, or anything…his face was simply still, his eyes watching. He finally spoke; his words have stayed with me since then. When he spoke his voice was nothing but a whisper, but filled with such anger and disgust I couldn't help but get shivers and cry."

"Get out you disgusting boy."

"Tears streamed down my cheeks, my worst fears had truly been realized."

"Get out."

"I just nodded and left the room, a minute later he lost his voice, 5 minutes later the feelings in his hands, ten minutes later his body shook and he died."

"After he died, I still felt sadness, despite what had happened. I guess he thought I was coming out to him…far from it. From what I can tell, I have no sexual orientation really…no one, not a single person, truly attracts me in any way whatsoever…only Jacob, it was always only Jacob."

"My feelings for Jacob, my father's last words to me, the acute fear of anyone discovering my secret, and the fear of becoming a werewolf (with the wolf telepathy thing, it'll be impossible to hide my feelings). All of these things contributed to my emotional breakdown."

"The breakdown happened a week after dad died, it was something that had been generally building up, the dad thing had kind of pushed me to the breaking point. It had been a normal, sad, day. Mom was going through dads clothes, deciding what to keep and what things to give away…the memories were too strong for her and she needed things gone. Leah was in the living room reading a book. I had walked in, sad as usual when I saw a picture of dad and I, it had been taking a long time ago, I was 2 in the picture so I didn't really remember it, it was him and I sitting on the beach making a sand castle."

"Something in me had just sorta…snapped"

"I screamed at the top of my lungs, I fell to the ground and started punching the floor with everything I had, I heard snapping in my fist before Leah grabbed me from behind, saying something about calming down but I wasn't having it. The anger turned to red hot tears and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably, blood dribbled from my fists, my right one had already started to swell, I probably broke it."

"Leah had screamed what was wrong, but the sadness was gone and I suddenly felt nothing, nothing at all. I didn't speak; the pain was oddly numb, nothing but a dull throb in my hand. Leah was shaking me but I didn't respond. They drove me to the hospital, by then I was sobbing uncontrollably again. By the time they got me into my room I was angry again, fighting against anyone who tried to touch me with unreal strength."

"That was when Jake had shown up."

"He walked in with my favorite T shirt and an old pair of jeans on, my favorite outfit on him. My heart ached at the sight of him, my whole body did, tears had streaked down my face at the sight of him and I fell down on my knees powerless, he caught me as I fell unconscious, he smelled like your typical teenager…to me he smelled like Jake."

"When I had woken up, they had fixed up my hands and they had a psychiatrist look me over, to make sure I hadn't gone insane. After a bunch of useless test, I was found to possibly have depression and I wasn't quite bipolar, but was prone to bipolar fits of rage. They put me on some antidepressant bullshit, which really didn't do anything for me, I'm off it now."

"Since then, I hadn't had another break; I had let it out though, so I was on empty then. It's like all the feelings had filled a jug and the jug was poured out, now that the jug is empty, I could go back to things being normal…but the jug would just keep filling and at some point I would have another 'bipolar fit'. "

"I probably am depressed though, it got worse when Jacob turned 18 about 6 months ago and he turned into a wolf. He had become the new alpha, was filled with new responsibilities, and I didn't get to see him everyday like it normally was…it also didn't help that my sister turned, if she turned, everyone knew I would be next…and the minute I did, I would be connected to all of them…and everything in my head would be exposed. Like my mind is a closed book, and me transforming rips the lock off and opens the book for all to see."

"Jacob would know, how would he react? Over the years he's made it clear he's 'straight'. Hell, to add salt to my wounded heart, he even dated my sister for about a fucking month. He tells me everything, so I know he is still a virgin, but the thought of anyone touching him before I could, made me want to hurl myself down a flight of stairs."

"It didn't help that he still has feelings for Leah, who was the one that ended things in the first place because she still had feelings for Sam, who was with Emily…it's a mess."

"But anyway, that's my life in a nutshell right now…it does feel nice to get it out I got to admit."

"I…bet it does." Alice said, her eyes gleamed but I knew she wouldn't cry, vampires kind of…can't cry.

I was at the Cullen house, the vampire/werewolf relationship is still kind of rocky, but thanks to the strong efforts of Carlisle Cullen and our council, led now by Billy, my mom Sue, Old Quil, and Sam, the leader of one of our packs. Sam and Jake had had a fight about leadership, so Jake split off and having Alpha blood, meant he could make his own Pack he could lead. His pack contained Leah, young Quil, Embry, me when I finally turn, and a couple other newbies. Sam has Paul, Jared, Collin, Brady, and a handful of others.

The split had been tough at first, but the two stopped fight and sort of lead the packs together now…its going better than you'd think actually. But anyway, since the relationships with the Cullens and the Packs have gotten better, I've taken it upon myself to try to get to know the Cullens, which is how I met Alice, who quickly became a favorite person of mine. We've only been friends for about a month, but her charm worked wonders on me, she actually manages to make me smile and laugh…something that's hard to do nowadays.

Unfortunately, one of the vampires, Edward, can read minds…and that's when he discovered the mess that was my brain. When he plainly asked me about it today when I came to see Alice, I had completely frozen and almost had another break down when Alice had come in and told me that they weren't going to judge me. Apparently being alive for so long makes you a pretty open minded person…but since the cat was out of the bag anyway, I told the story of my life…which is where we are now.

"I can't express how deeply sympathetic I am for you." Edward said. At some point, Bella Swan and Rosalie, two other vampires, had come in and I sort of started the story over again, they also seemed extremely sympathetic.

"I got to say…I've read some of the minds of those in your pack who have imprinted…but yours feelings are…very intense." Alice came forward and hugged me, Bella had put a hand on my head and was stroking my hair, a lot like my mom does when she wants to comfort me, and Rosalie (who always came off like a bitch to me) even seemed sympathetic to me.

"Kid…I'm not sure if I can compare anything that's happened in my lifetime to what you've been dealing with all these years…but this can't continue, you know that." Rose said, sitting on couch next to the couch we were sitting on.

"I mean…you said it yourself, when you finally do turn, they're going to see everything, Jacob is gonna see everything…and is that really how you want him to find out? Abruptly, sudden like that? I mean…you just…gotta talk to him." She continued.

"Its not that easy." I said weakly.

"We've been friends for years, we've literally been together about 100% of the days since we met…but that's all we've ever been, friends! When we're together, let's say watching a movie, he always says things like 'god that chick is so hot, right?' and I can't tell him I'm gay or something because I'm not I just…he's the only person I've ever felt any sort of attraction too! I know his views on that stuff too though...I've asked him before. He just said that he 'doesn't care for that stuff' and didn't want to talk about it anymore…I mean he's stilling pining over my fucking sister, it's so obvious he could never love me like I love him…"

"Maybe, but you need some sort of closure Seth…otherwise you'll be miserable and filled with pining for the rest of your life…is that something you really want?" Bella asked.

"…no." I said, tears dribbling down my cheeks.

"I'm not saying do it right this second…but its gotta be soon, you're at the age you could shift any time now." Alice said.

"Emily is having a party, it's just another get together type thing she likes to do for new pack members…its tomorrow, I'll…I'll talk to him them I guess."

"Look…if you need anything, you're always welcome here, remember that." Alice said, hugging me a little tighter. I stared at my clock and groaned a little.

"It's late, I gotta get home."

"Careful, it's raining again" Edward said as I stood up and tossed my coat on.

"What a shocker." Alice chuckled, making me smile weakly. I said my goodbyes and jumped into my old black Jeep. I had bought it from some old man who lived in Forks, got it for a steal because the thing was pretty much busted, but he didn't know Jake was the best mechanic in the whole damn world. I remembered watching him work….no shirt on…grease on him…I had practically came in my pants just watching him. The boy was nothing but muscle now…it's funny too, I remember there was a point when he was just scrawny and the same height as me. Now he has an eight pack and is almost a foot and a half taller than me.

I drove home right as the last of the light left the sky. I quickly got in, to my surprise Leah and Jacob were sitting in the living room. They didn't notice me yet, but I truly wished they had. Leah was laughing at something Jacob had just said, they were sitting closely to each other, closer than people who were just friends really should be. I watched his hand resting on her knee, squeezing ever so slightly. He was moving closer, oh god…

I slammed the door behind me, startling them both.

"Burrr it's cold!" I said loudly, making it seem like I had run inside so the door slamming didn't seem odd.

"Seth! Geez you're not werewolf yet I told you to wear warmer clothes…" Leah said, standing up and walking over to me. I noticed Jacob look a little disappointed before seeming to get over it and walk over to me.

"If you get sick man, I'm gonna get pissed at you." Jake chuckled.

"I won't I won't…you two worry too much." I said, smiling weakly. I couldn't really be happy anymore, I mean I can find brief moments of amusement and happiness…but it usually goes away quick enough, and I'm back to feeling sad. They both knew I had depression (which I've convinced everyone was brought on by dad…which was partially true I guess) so to them, getting me to smile was like a personal victory for them.

"Ah well, I'm off to bed, night Seth." She kissed my forehead then turned to Jake.

"Night Jake…I'll see you tomorrow." My heart hurt as she smiled shyly as she walked away…and Jake grinned like an idiot. She left, leaving both of us alone. He moved his arm from around my shoulder, I hadn't even noticed it, and turned on me.

"Dude! Why'd you have to show up? I think I had her." I narrowed my eyes.

"You realize that's my sister right? You see nothing wrong with that dummy?" He laughed.

"Ya I know, sorry…it's just, you know how I feel about her man."

"Ya I know…I…sorry, I just…I always screw things up…" Oh great, stupid depression is taking over.

"I just fuck up everything; I'm so fucking stupid…"

"No! No, shit, no I'm sorry Seth, no you're not…" he quickly walked forward and pulled me into a hug.

"I didn't mean that man, you didn't mess anything up, and you're perfect man you got that? You're perfect…" I cried harder, I felt myself imagining he would pull me in for a kiss and tell me everything would be ok, then he'd take me up to my room and sleep next to me to make me feel better…Imaginations are such cruel things sometimes.

"Ok you feel better man?" he pulled away and looked down at me.

"I'm fine, sorry…"

"Hey, its fine man, you're my closest friend, you know I've always got your back Seth." I always knew he was serious when he actually called me by my name and not by 'man' or 'dude'.

"Thanks Jake."

"Hey, it's been a long day, how about we get you up in bed?" He started to follow me but I smiled at him and said.

"I've got it, you should get home…it's your night off from the werewolf 'BS' you know, you should be sleeping." He grinned; my heart flip flopped like it always did.

"You're probably right…you usually are!" I nodded, not really smiling.

"Night…I'll see you at that party thing I guess." He laughed.

"You're actually going to that thing? I figured you and me could go finally get your haircut shaggy head." He ruffled my hair and my usual frown deepened.

"It's not that long…it's down to my shoulder…that's not that long…" He smiled.

"You don't think you'd be more comfortable with the short cut?" he asked, gesturing to his own hair. I smiled.

"I like it long…more to grab on to." I hadn't meant it in a dirty way, but that's how he took it anyway, the pervert.

"Oh ya? You screwing someone I don't know about?"

"No, I'm as big of a virgin as you are." He gave me a smug grin.

"For now Seth…for now." I frowned, the way he said that didn't settle in my chest right.

"What?" He just smiled.

"Nothing, nothing at all…night man." He gave me a one armed hug and left, leaving my possibly bipolar riddled mind to get paranoid. I walked upstairs up to my room, I was about to walk in when my sisters door opened. She had changed into a pair of sweats and a loose tank top, her usual sleep wear.

"Hey Seth…"

"What are you doing?" I hissed, my mind already on the paranoid side.

"What?" she said, surprised.

"Its like…are you out to get me or something? Have you joined the 'Let's get the jump on Seth' train like everyone else? I know, I bet mom told you to get all over Jake didn't she?!" My voice seemed to rise with every other word.

"Woah, Seth, calm down…no one's out to get you, we've talked about this...you're just having an episode right now…" she put her hands on my shoulder.

"Just…breathe…"

"Oh fuck you!" I shouted, angrily throwing her hands off of me.

"I know you hate me! That's the only reason you're fucking with me!"

"What are you even talking about?" She said, trying to control her anger.

"What is going on?!" my mother said, running up the stairs in a robe, she sounded more concerned than anything.

"Leah is trying to make me miserable I know it! She's out to get me! She's trying to ruin my life! I know that's why you're even considering it!" I roared, my whole body shaking with anger.

"What the FUCK are you even talking about?! Considering what?!"

"GETTING TOGETHER WITH JAKE!" I snarled, angry tears pouring down my face. That stopped her dead in her tracks.

"W-what? Why…what does that have to do with you anyway?! It's none of your business!"

"MY….MY…." The words were on the tip of my tongue, I knew I had to stop this, all of my emotions, everything I've never told them were right there in the throat, threatening to escape, all I had to do was tell them, scream at her, she was out to get me! She knew! She had to know! I mean I know she knows I love him, so she's dangling him in front of me! Letting me know she can have him like I never could, I know it! I know it!

"My imprint is my business!" I hissed, the words seeped through my teeth. The second I said it, it hit me what I had done. My anger turned to shock, my body shook. My hand went to my mouth; I touched it, had I said it? Oh god, I said it, oh god…

They both stared at me, my sister's face was one of shock, eyes and mouth wide open, my mother a little less so, her eyes were wide but her mouth was shut tight, her eyes trying to process what she had just heard.

"Oh…" I ran past them both, down the stairs and I flew into the bathroom.

"Ohhh…..ohhhh god…." I was shivering as I started digging through the cabinet and found a bottle of pills. I popped it open but I was grabbed and the bottle flew out of my hand, scattering them everywhere.

"No Seth!"

"Just let me take a few! I'll wake up! This isn't…stop it just stop! I'm not…AHHH!" I fell onto my knees and grabbed my sisters' shirt.

"Don't tell him! Oh god don't tell him! Please! Please don't date him, don't take him from me…" Tears flowed out of my eyes; my sister stared down at me with some emotion I couldn't recognize, pity maybe?

"Stop…Seth…" she looked like she wanted to cry herself now.

"Pleaaaase! I can't lose him, he…I can't…" I let go and fell into the fetal position.

"I can't…don't hate me…please don't take him…I can't help it I love him…please don't…oh god…oh god…don't hate me please."

"I'm sorry Seth…I…I didn't know…I would never have…"

I'm not sure what happened next, I blacked out before she could finish speaking.

I woke up in my bed, it was light outside and my whole body seemed to ache. I twisted my head, ignoring the crust in my eye to see that it was 8:21 AM. I rubbed the sleep out of my eye and sat up, I was still in my clothes from yesterday.

"You're awake." My sisters' voice said softly. I looked over; she was sitting in the chair next to my bed, watching me.

"Why…"

"I didn't sleep here all night if that's what you're wondering…I just got in here not even 5 minutes ago, I wanted…I was hoping we could talk."

"About what?" I said, hoping last night really was all a bad, bipolar dream.

"About last night when you sorta had another episode, inadvertently told us you were gay, then tried to take pills to kill yourself, then blacked out after begging me not to tell Jake." She said, trying to remain totally calm but her eyes betrayed her concern.

"I'm not gay." I said. She smiled weakly.

"You imprinted on Jake, doesn't that sorta make you gay?"

"I'm not interested in guys or girls…just…just him." I said, curling my legs toward my body and wrapping my arms around them, not wanting to look at her.

"Seth I swear to you…if I had…if I had known…I…"

"Don't…don't be sorry. You just said it yourself, you DIDN'T know."

"I guess I just really don't understand any of this." She said. I sighed.

"I guess you already know, I might as well tell you everything." It was easier to tell her everything than I thought it would have been, I told her when it started, about dad (that part made her upset and she almost started crying), and how I had to tell the Cullen's when Edward read my mind, and my fear of becoming a werewolf before I could just tell him personally.

"Because if he finds out all at once when I shift…its…it'll be too much, he won't expect it, I just…I want to tell him on my own terms you know?"

"Ya…god Seth…you should have told me! You didn't need to go through this alone…"

"I had planned too…but…after dad….I don't think I could have taken you guys telling me how disgusting I was…I got so worried about you all finding out…worried of being, like, disowned and stuff…"

"Numskull." She said, jumping in bed with me and pressing her head against my shoulder.

"You know I have no issues with that kinda stuff…I could never hate you, you're my brother…and if you had told me I wouldn't have ever dated him…" she froze.

"Oh god I just put two and two together…you saw last night didn't you?" I turned and stared at her.

"No, well, I got home and you two were really close and he was totally making a move on you…"

"I swear that's all that had happened…he had just sorta come over and we started talking…he was flirting with me and I guess it was just sorta fun for me. But I swear I had no clue…if I did I wouldn't have given him the time of day, you know that."

"Ya…" I didn't want to talk about this anymore.

"I want to help you get him." She said, her tone serious. I laughed; the sound had no traces of humor.

"He's straight."

"Maybe not."

"No, he is, I've known him since we were kids."

"So have I Seth. I've known him just as long as you have...maybe I'm not as close to him as you, but I did date him for a while…he's open minded, sort of."

"I asked him once what he thought of gays…he just said he 'doesn't care for that stuff'…"

"Ya? How long ago was that?" Leah asked. I shrugged.

"I don't know…maybe 2 years ago?" She laughed.

"People change Seth, we went out a week ago and two girls started making at the table next to ours. I asked him if we should ask them to stop but he just laughed it off and told me to just ignore them, they were a cute couple. I mean he's not an outright bigot Seth…I know what dad said before he died messed you up bad, but you can't go through life assuming every person on the street is going to sneer and hate you for being what you are. Yes, there are those idiots out there who DO hate you for what you are…but those people are just ignorant, mostly old, assholes who'll die off soon anyway, then we won't have to listen to them anymore. Be who you are Seth…and don't be afraid of what people think, you can't please everyone, so why bother?" I leaned over and hugged her, not really able to produce words. My worst fear, everyone hating me, was somewhat avoided…at least I had someone in the family who loved me.

"I forgot to ask." I said, pulling away.

"How…how'd mom take it?" she stiffened and I tensed, waiting for the response.

"She…she doesn't hate you Seth, I think you just kind of took her by surprise is all, she's still sort of processing it I think…just give her a little time." I nodded.

"Alright…I need to tell him before I change, which could be at pretty much anytime." I said. She nodded.

"I almost thought you were going to last night. Lucky break there I guess…alright, I think perhaps you just need to tell him you're gay first, let him take that in, then tell him you're in love with him…"

"I told you…it's more than that though." I said. She smiled weakly.

"Well, ya, but I think that all might be a little heavy for the first time…we'll start small then when all works out, you can sorta profess your deeper stuff to him."

"I…guess that makes sense…"

"Alright, when do you wanna do this?" Leah asked.

"Like I told the Cullens, I had sorta planned on doing it at the party." I said. She nodded.

"Well, not in front of a ton of people, you gotta get him away a bit and tell him in private…and you need to look good while doing it."

"What? Why?"

"Who could resist your gorgeous mug? Anyway, if you look good, you'll feel good, and that extra boost of confidence will help when it comes time to tell him."

"But…but what if he doesn't…"

"Stop Seth, you got to believe that it'll work, if you psyche yourself out, the payoff won't be as gratifying."

"I…guess you're right…"

"Perfect, now, get dressed…we're going to get you some nice clothes, some cologne maybe? And a nice new haircut."

"Haircut? I like my hair long though…"

"Come on Seth, your hair covers your eyes, it covers up YOU. How is he gonna know your serious if he can't see your eyes? You gotta be able to look him right in the dark brown eyes and make him realize how serious you are, how in love you are, you can't do that hiding behind your hair."

"You're right, I guess."

"Good, now put some clothes on, we leave in five!" she smiled at me.

"Don't worry, this is gonna have a happy ending." She left the room and I stared after her as I closed the door and stripped my clothes off. I walked in front of the mirror. I had little muscle to show off, I was more skinny than anything…I used to be a little tubby but after dad I lost a lot of weight, I just sorta stopped eating. How could anyone love something so…unattractive?

"So how short we going?" the barber, a skinny woman with very tall blond hair asked.

"Pretty much buzz the sides, but leave the middle longer, kinda going for the punkish faux hawk look." Leah asked, repeating my words for me when I told her what kinda haircut I wanted.

"Ah I know what you need. The sides will be a little bit longer than a buzz though." She pulled out a famous actor I didn't know the name of and held it out for us.

"Kind of like him right?"

"Perfect." I said. She nodded and got to work.

"Now, we got the clothes next, but we might as well work on what to say." Leah said, flipping absentmindedly through some magazine, 'People' I think.

"I guess just… 'I'm gay?'"

"No no, too blunt, you kinda got to build up to it…tell him it's something you've been thinking of tell him for a while but you were too scared to do it. Tell..."

"That I've been friends with him for so long, and that I hope he can accept me for what I am."

"Perfecto!" she said, kissing the tips of her fingers. We worked on the first part until the haircut was finished; we ended up in some fancy clothing store next.

"How about this?" I asked, holding up a pair of maroon colored skinny jeans. She smiled.

"You like that?" I shrugged.

"It's very…me I guess." She nodded.

"Then it's perfect." We also got a plain white T shirt and a black vest to wear over it. As we were leaving, I got a small bottle of perfume with a very sweet berry smell to it. We got home and mom was there, sitting at the table with a few papers spread around her.

"Oh my… Seth you got a haircut." She said. Tense, the room was filled with a tense air and none of us spoke for what felt like an hour, I had to end it or I'd go crazy.

"I…I gotta go get ready, for the party…thing." I quickly began walking past her.

"It looks good." She said. I stopped but kept going a second later. Soon enough, night came and I was ready to go.

"Alright, you can do this." Leah said as I came down the stairs. She sniffed.

"Geez you smell good…love the perfume."

"Thanks." I said, embarrassed.

"Have fun!" my mother called after us as we walked out. We got in her car, my hands kept clenching and unclenching…I felt very closterphobic all of a sudden.

"What if he reacts badly? What if I can't handle it...I don't think I can do this…"

"Calm down Seth, everything is going to be just fine, you can't psych yourself out like this…if you do you'll never be able to tell him!"

"Y-ya…" We arrived; the place was lit up with decorative lights and funny tiki torches. Leah parked the car a bit away because the entire front was filled with large tables, many covered in food, and others were used for sitting down and eating. There had to be at least 50 people, all of them talking over the semi loud music blaring from the stereo system. I froze a bit; I wasn't particularly friends with a lot of these people. Ya I knew them all, but after my depressive episode started I stopped attending these things, and a lot of these people stopped talking to me…mostly because they felt I needed my space, the only one who kept with me, and I'd been willing to talk to, was Jake.

"I don't…know if I can do this, it's been a while, I've got nothing to talk about…and I feel overdressed." Leah laughed.

"Don't worry; I'll be with you the whole time to help…navigate. And you aren't overdressed, if anything everyone is underdressed slash don't understand style…I'm just as dressed up as you, now come on." She said, edging me on.

"I don't see Jake." I said as we walked down the hill towards the party.

"Neither do I…he probably just isn't here yet, don't worry he'll show up."

"Well he needs to hurry before I lose my nerve again." I mumbled as we entered the party.

"Leah!" a voice called. A tall lanky kid with glasses popped up in front of us.

"Hey Quil, is Embry not…"

"Right here!" Embry said, popping up behind Quil.

"Didn't bring Jake with you?" Quil asked curiously.

"Nice to see you too Quil." Leah said, looking fake hurt.

"Oh geez, I didn't mean to sound rude…"

"It was a joke Quil. No he isn't here yet, did he text either of you?"

"Ya, he said he was gonna be a little late, had to pick up something." Embry said, gesturing to his phone.

"That was like, 10 minutes ago though so I'm sure he'll be showing up anytime now." He added.

"Whoa, Seth, just noticed you…" Quil started, but kinda stopped talking awkwardly, Embry noticed me as well but said nothing, looking just as uncomfortable as Quil…though who could really blame them.

"Uh, ya, hey guys." I said, waving for some odd, unnecessary reason.

"How ya feeling? Quil asked.

"You still depressed and weird?" Embry asked. I stiffened; Leah shot him a look that pretty much screamed 'You die tonight'.

"Dude! Not cool!" Quil said.

"Oh um, did I say that out loud? I meant, err, um…ah, let's go, talk to, um, Paul!" Embry quickly walked away Quil mumbling a sorry before speed walking after him, Leah turned to me.

"Sorry Seth…it's just been a while is all, since anyone has seen you at one of these things I mean…" That was when I finally noticed, the stares. Not everyone was staring of course, but I did notices two or three pack members staring, a couple of the pack members imprints were staring, I suddenly felt uncomfortable.

"When is Jake getting here already?" I mumbled, trying to focus solely on Leah.

"You heard Embry, soon…"

"Seth!" a voice said behind me. I turned, it was Emily, I sensed Leah tense a little beside me, ah right the Sam Leah Emily thing…things were still kind of awkward between Leah and Emily but they were getting better, it would just take time. I mean, Sam and Leah had been together…but then Sam imprinted on Emily, it was a tough situation to be in.

"Oh, hey." I said as she suddenly gave me a hug.

"Gosh Seth, it's been way too long, I'm so glad you decided to show up for one of these things!" She said, her left half smiling while the right side where she held the 3 scars stayed where it was. Sam had lost control around her once and attacked her, leaving the right side of her face scarred and paralyzed.

"What made you decide…?"

"I just…decided I needed to get out of the house ya know?" I said quickly.

"I see…well it's good you're here, have you met the newest member of the pack?" Emily always holds these parties whenever we get a new member in the packs. Jacob's pack has 7 members including him; Sam's pack has 10 including him.

"Whose pack is he joining?"

"His name is Felix and Jacob's pack I believe."

"Wow…18 of us now." Leah said.

"19 actually…you forget Seth's at the age now." Emily said, smiling.

"Ya…" I said, the thoughts of everyone being able to read my mind and seeing what I thought coming to the surface and making me feel uncomfortable again. I know it's worse when you first turn, when you first turn you aren't a part of any set pack yet…so that means everyone's thoughts are in your head, all 18 of them…and they can see mine, at least until you learn to control it and choose a pack, the only perk to it is that when you first turn, you can't be controlled by any of the Alpha's commands. You are basically a free agent until you choose a pack, then that packs leader can then command you.

"Yo Seth!" I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder, a familiar scent filled my nostrils and happiness filled me to my core.

"Jacob, glad you could make it." Emily said. I twisted, feeling relieved that Jacob had dressed up a bit like I had, he looked fantastic, and his hair styled how I liked it, his face grinning his trademark grin. He was wearing a tight black T shirt and a tight fitting dark green coat along with a pair of (according to him) his favorite jeans and black combat boots. 'Perfect for curb stomping!' he had told me once when I asked him about his boots. He was right in between Leah and I, an arm around both of our shoulders.

"Wouldn't miss it, especially since Seth's here!" He said, grinning and tightening his arm on my shoulder. Him just saying that made every pore in my body fill with joy.

"I...see." Emily said, seeming a bit unsure what to say.

"Plus the lovely Miss Leah is here as well!" He said, twisting and smiling at her.

"Ah ha…ya…" she peeled his arm off and turned to Emily.

"Hey Emily, can you show me the stuff you cooked? I know Old Quil brought stuff and…well frankly I don't trust anything he makes."

"Sure!" Emily said, I knew she would take any chance she could to get close to Leah again like they used to be…even if it was just baby steps. They walked off and Jacob turned his head back and smiled.

"Sup bud?" He got quiet suddenly and seemed to be studying me, like he had just noticed I had changed my looks.

"Wow, nice haircut, its…different." He said, giving me a weak smile.

Oh god he hates it, oh god dammit! Damn, damn, damn…

"You smell like berries…is that perfume?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

"Y…ya, it is, I thought you…err I mean I thought you could appreciate the change." I said, blushing.

"I don't care for it to be honest." He said, his nose wrinkled ever so slightly and I felt like blowing my brains out, I had screwed up royally.

"But if you like it then I guess I can live with it." He said quickly, probably seeing how hurt I was…I wasn't the master of masking my emotions after all, well, except one emotion.

"Hey Jake do you mind if…"

"So, I'm going to ask Leah to go back out with me again." Jacob said, looking over at my sister who was currently watching Emily's finger carefully as she pointed at certain foods on the table.

I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. He wasn't looking, but if he had he would have seen the hundreds of emotions run rampant across my face. Sad, angry, hurt, suicidal, crazed all of them. But by the time he looked back, my face was normal once again and it took everything I had to cram it all back inside me.

"R-really?" I said, my voice broke slightly but he didn't seem to notice.

"Well last night I came over to see you but Leah said you were still out with the leec…er, Cullens. So I decided to wait for you…but I started talking to Leah again and all these feelings sort of popped back up and I think that, with a little time we could go back to being happy together like we were before…Seth, are you ok? Dude you're…" I suddenly realized I was crying, I felt huge wet tears sliding down my cheeks. Oh shit when did that happen? Something broke through the mask! Fuck!

"I'm fine! I'm sorry I just...um…get emotional…sometimes…"

"I…ok." He said, still looking concerned.

"It's not something I said is it?"

YES!

"No of course not…I think…it's…a good idea."I said. What hope had I had anyway? He would never and could never love me like I love him anyway, so I might as well not ruin it by telling him anything.

This had all been stupid anyway, I should just be happy how I was now, getting to see him almost every day and getting what I can get.

"Thanks man, I knew you'd agree with me…you're my best friend in the whole damn world you know that?" he said, grabbing my shoulder.

"Now, I'm gonna go get her!" he turned and started walking towards Leah, who I just now noticed was staring at me and smiling, giving me a sly thumbs up. I frowned, why was she…oh.

Oh My Fucking God

I quickly began shaking my head left and right, too late to stop her; she didn't even notice me because she turned her attention to Jacob. My blood seemed to quicken in my body, I could suddenly hear things I couldn't previously, it was actually very painful, why was everything so loud?! Oh, my werewolf senses! Lately they had been kicking in more and more often when I got very upset, random things. One time I could see things so sharply I didn't open my eyes for the rest of the day. Another time everything tasted like someone sprinkled everything with happiness and rainbows, now it appears my hearing was affected because I could suddenly hear everything the two of them were saying.

"Hey Leah, just got done talking with your brother…"

"I know isn't it great!" she said, smiling.

"Huh, what do you mean?" he said, sounding confused. I could only see my sisters face, not Jacobs so I had no clue what emotions he was showing.

"Well about coming out! I mean, he's finally accepting that part of himself! And I am so proud of you Jake, he told you all about his love for you and you didn't freak out like an ass or….you…" She froze, what was happening suddenly dawned on her, she twisted and was staring right at me, whatever look on my face confirmed what just happened.

"I…mean…oh shit…"

What happened next…I'm not sure what it was, if it was my possible bipolar or if it was the wolf inside of me, but I was filled with such incredible grief and rage and sadness that I couldn't control myself. I let out a scream, a scream so feral it almost sounded like a wolfs howl. My body shook and my teeth rattled in my head. My eyes stung as everything became too real; I could hear a hundred hearts beating in time with the bass of the stereo system, my hair felt too thick, like there was concrete in my hair keeping it up. I could taste bitter copper as my mouth filled with blood as I ripped a chuck of cheek out of my mouth. I grabbed my head as another bloody curdle seeped out of my mouth. My body was shaking uncontrollably, was I changing or was I having a seizure? Maybe it was both.

"Seth!" My sisters' voice entered my ears, too loud, way too loud, like a violin being played right inside my ear. I felt something too rough grab my arm, I thrusted that arm outward, sending someone flying away. I screamed again, this time it sounded not angry but pain filled, like I was getting my arm cut off without sedative. I turned my body in a direction and ran, ran, ran. I couldn't see very well, everything was red and cracked like looking through broken fragments of glass. I was moving faster than any normal human being should be able too, I wasn't changed into a wolf just yet but…I was getting there. I kept running, no destination in particular on my mind, I just wanted to run, to get away, I wanted to cry and punch someone and slit my throat all at the same time, it was killing my head. I soon found myself moving faster after another spasm, I was running on all my limbs, the transformation was complete now. I could hear voices in my head, one after the other, some telling me to stop, some begging me too stop, someone yelling at me to calm down, someone, someone, someone.

"You want to know why I'm so messed up?!" I suddenly screamed, the voices got quiet as I unleashed it, all of my emotions, all of my pain, my fear, my soul, I poured it all out, I heard voices disappear in desperation to get away, I could hear Leah stay and telling me to stop, but it soon became too much for her and her voice was gone, one by one as I unleashed it all, all of it until only one voice remained, him, Jacob. I let him see everything, the longing, the pain I felt when he talked about other girls, the god awful pain of watching him date my sister, my father, my stupid plan I came up with with Leah, the times I tried to kill myself, everything.

"I…I…" I felt so drained so suddenly, he was completely silent all the while, but I knew he was there.

"Goodbye." I said, ugly tears covered my face as I phased back, I was in front of the Cullen house. I quickly stumbled up to the front door and before I could even knock the door was thrown open and Alice was ushering me inside, Edward, Bella, and Rosalie close behind her. Rose gave me a large cover while Edward went to find me some of Emmet's old clothes. I tried to explain what happened but I couldn't, I let Edward explain for me after he saw the events in my brain, all I wanted to do was sob. It was a good hour before I finally fell asleep, my eyes sore and my body aching.

When I woke up, I was in a small room with a large bed. It was light outside and raining, which meant I had spent the night, the clock on the wall said it was 9:41 AM. It took me a minute to remember why I was even here in the first place, what had happened, but I was too tired, too hungry, and too dried up from last night to be sad and cry. I looked over and saw a small stack of clothes set out for me. I pulled the pants on and had to really, really tighten them so they'd fit, the shirt was way too big and went down to my knees. I slowly walked out of my room, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes all the while, and found myself downstairs.

"Ah, you're awake." Alice said, smiling.

"We can make you breakfast if you would like." Esme said, smiling.

"I…guess…has anyone called about me?" Alice frowned.

"Leah called and wanted to make sure you were ok, she called after you fell asleep…she wanted to come see you but…we thought it would be best to let you sleep."

"Thank you, I…know I just sort of came over here really suddenly…"

"Don't even worry about it…you're a family friend honey." Esme said.

"Did…anyone else call?"

"No…I think everyone just kind of thinks you need to be alone right now." Alice said, a tint of sadness in her voice.

"Oh…um…do you mind if I eat outside? Under the awning I mean…I like to watch the rain." I mumbled.

"Of course dear, I'll bring it out to you when it's done." I nodded sheepishly and walked slowly out the front door. I sat myself down on the swinging chair and curled up into myself, the only noise was the constant patter of the drizzling rain and the occasional screech of the swing as it swung. I knew I should take the time, this calm before the storm, to figure out what I needed to do…but I just didn't have it in me anymore. It was like the will to live, the spark inside me, was just…gone, poof, like a puff of smoke. I felt like a shell, a shell of who I used to be…the only good thing about this was that now I didn't feel so tortured, so tangled and stung by my darkest secret. It was all in the open now…everyone knew.

Him

He knows now, he knows my feelings…he was there, he was there the whole time I was a wolf and I was unleashing my inner demons, he didn't retreat back to human form when I let loose my soul…but why? He never spoke a word, I couldn't even hear his thoughts but I know, I know he was there…like a fly against the wall, like a pair of eyes watching you from the distance. How did he hide his thoughts like that though? Maybe it was an Alpha thing, maybe just a thing you learn to do after a while…though I will admit I was pretty emotionally loud, maybe over my screaming I couldn't hear him?

I wonder what he's doing now?

It's still early so probably sleeping; he works really hard so I hope he's sleeping. The rain slowed even more, now it was barely a drizzle and the wind became all but nonexistent. My mind pulled a fastball on me all of a sudden, out of nowhere I remembered a song my dad used to hum to me when I was little, my mom did too but after dad died it stopped, I hadn't heard it since. The song was just an old tribe lullaby that had a funny little legend behind it.

Once there was a little boy named Ao. Ao was a restless child who loved to do exciting and dangerous things, despite any consequences. One day Ao met a little girl named Maw and fell instantly in love with her. Maw though, didn't, and Ao knew he had to prove his love to her. Ao decided he would carve Maw's name in huge letters against the side of the mountain, he knew he could do it if he became a wolf. He made Maw promise to come to the mountain in one year to meet him so she could see, and she reluctantly agreed. So he began climbing the mountain near the reservation and for 1 year, carved her name into the side of the mountain. By the time he had returned, he had been a wolf for so long carving the name that he had forgotten his true self, and became nothing but a large feral wolf. He returned to the village and went on a rampage, destroying everything in his path. All the while, Maw had traveled to the mountain and saw her name, and she knew that Ao really loved her, and that she could love him in return. She quickly returned to the village, only to find the feral Ao destroying the village. She quickly began to sing a song, a song to soothe his restless heart, and Ao fell into a deep and restless slumber. They moved Ao's body up into the mountain, and once a year, every year, Maw returns to the mountain to sing her song, to prevent Ao from going on another rampage and to let him sleep and have wonderful dreams of her.

The lullaby was supposedly able to soothe any rampant young wolves' heart, so maybe if I sang it quietly out loud I could figure out what to do? I might as well; I don't have any better ideas…and it had been so long since I heard it…

Da dada dum dadada dum da dada dum dadadaaaa dum da dadada dummmmmmm dadaaaaaa dadada daaaaaa dummmmm dada da dada dum dadada dum da dada dum dadadaaaa dum daaaa dummmmm

I could practically hear the music; the slow rhythmic sound resonating in my head as my dad quietly hummed it in my room, the sound slowing my heart and sending me into my dream world. I looked up at the sky; somehow more tears had appeared and slowly dribbled down my cheeks…I didn't think I had it in me anymore. I quickly wiped them away and continued to hum the lullaby; I didn't feel like I had anything else I could do. I finished the song for the third time when suddenly a car pulled up.

Jacob's car

My whole body went rigid; my heart was going to burst out of my chest it was beating so fast. He parked the car, but didn't get out right away. I was staring, but I couldn't see him, the windows were tinted. What felt like hours passed before his door opened and he walked out, looking as effortlessly beautiful as he always did. He was wearing a pair of beat up jeans, his boots, and a tight dark green shirt with no coat. I couldn't keep the confusion off of my face though, when he pulled out a big bouquet of flowers from the passenger's side seat. They were Lily's. He walked up the stairs and right up to me. I stared at him, now I was royally confused. He held them out and I took them, not quite sure why he was giving me flowers.

"Sunny Days Ahead Asiatic Lily Bouquet…that's what the um, guy at the flower shop place in town called them…I just got them because, well, I know you like, um, lilies…"

"T-thanks." I said, blushing a little.

"Hey, Alice…" I started, she appeared a second later.

"Ya?" She said, not looking surprised to see Jacob, but seeming surprised to see flowers.

"If you don't mind…could you maybe find a vase for these?" I said.

"You don't like them…dammit I knew I should have got the roses." Jacob growled, looking very pissed at himself.

"What?! No! No, no, no…Jake I love them, I just want to get them in a vase as soon as possible is all." I said, that seemed to please him.

"Oh, ya, you're right…sorry." He said, rubbing the back of his head. Alice took the flowers and walked back inside. Silence followed, silence that was threatening to make me go crazy if it didn't end.

"You should…sit." I said.

"Oh, um…ya." He sat down next to me, looking as nervous as I felt.

"So…why did you bring me flowers? I asked.

"Because I'm an idiot." He said.

"Oh." Was my response, I didn't know what to say. More silence, I needed to prod him into telling me what was going on.

"So…why are you an idiot?" I said. The whole time he had been looking off into the distance, twiddling his thumbs and looking nervous as hell…but after that question, he looked me right in my eye, his eyes so beautiful and sharp I felt uncomfortable.

"I…I realize now I was dating…trying to date…the wrong Clearwater." He said. Before I could even react he stood up and whacked himself in the head with his hand.

"Dammit that came out wrong!" he cursed at himself.

"God dammit Jake stop being so stupid…" he grumbled to himself, I just sat, silent, waiting, not sure what to feel. He turned and looked me in the eye again.

"Dammit Seth I don't…I don't…dammit I don't know what I'm supposed to do here!" He suddenly cursed himself again.

"Shit, I'm sorry that…it's not your fault, I'm just…I don't know how I'm supposed to do this Seth, you're just so….and I'm such a moron…"

"Jake!" I said, shutting him up immediately.

"Jake just…sit." He sat back down.

"Now just…start from the beginning." I said, frowning.

"Ok…" he was quiet for a moment, probably trying to figure out where the best place to start would be.

"I…I'll admit Seth, when I first met you I felt…nothing, at least, not the way you felt, the way you showed me last night when you shifted." I frowned but he quickly added.

"But that doesn't mean I didn't feel…anything! I still thought of you as a possible best friend and that's what you became, like I knew you would. Anyway the years have passed and I've just been sort of figuring myself out…and I realize now I am a completely oblivious dumbass for not seeing how you've felt for me all these years…because gods know you are usually pretty bad at hiding your emotions." I frowned and he quickly cursed himself.

"Sorry, that came out wrong…anyway. I've always…always been told all my life that I need to marry my imprint, start a family with her and have kids of my own then retire from the whole werewolf thing, be happy and all of that…and lately I had been thinking that must be Leah." I couldn't hide the hurt from my eyes, he noticed but continued.

"Look…ever since I met you I've…had this…tug in my chest. Forever I've always felt like my heart was tugging towards your family, like no matter where I go I'll always end back up with the Clearwater's." He took a breath and continued.

"For all intents and purposes I'm straight, I like breasts, I like girls, so that tug…I always figured it was my heart telling me that Leah was the one, so that's why I was always going after her…but…when I was with her, whether we were holding hands or watching some scary movie and she was curled up next to me…it never quite eased the tugging in my chest, it never felt right. For the past couple years I've been trying to figure out my feelings and like an idiot I never got what was so obvious…I was being tugged towards you, not your sister. I don't know…I guess because I've never felt that towards another guy, hell there was even a period when I was young and stupid that I thought lesbians and gays were gross, that it never occurred to be that my imprint was staring me right in the face." I held my breath, waiting for the punch line or the cruel 'just kidding!' but it never came, he continued.

"But last night…last night did it for me. I thought last night I was going to go to the party and try to get Leah back…but after that talk with you, after going to talk to Leah…I just didn't feel right, the whole situation felt…wrong. But when Leah told me all of that stuff, about you 'coming out' and you professing your love for me…it was like something clicked in my head, like suddenly it all made since, you started shifting but when I turned to look at you…it just felt so obvious. It was like time slowed to give me time to see it, I looked at you and it was just like… 'Oh, that's right…you're supposed to be with me for the rest of my life.'"

"By the time I was out of my imprinting haze you had already shifted and left, and I tried to run after you with everyone else…but you had just shifted and you weren't in a pack yet, so everyone could hear you and you…sorta let everyone see and feel everything. Sam had all the younger ones in his pack shift back so they didn't have to handle it…Leah tried but she had to shift back, it was just Sam and I but even he couldn't handle it…it was just me. I…I stayed quiet because I wanted to see and feel everything. I needed to know your pain, I…I can't ever forgive myself for putting you through all of this. After you shifted back I…I scrambled trying to figure out what to do. I told Leah you were with the Cullen's and she called to make sure you were ok…I wanted to see you but they told me you were sleeping and I…I knew you needed to sleep. I…I've been up since last night, I couldn't sleep, I spent all night and most of this morning trying to figure out what to tell you…I called a little before you woke up to see if there was anything I could do…Alice suggested flowers so I got you your favorites…and here we are." He said. That explained the bags under his eyes…he looked so tired, so sad…he felt bad, he truly did and I knew he wanted my forgiveness but he…he couldn't get himself to ask for it.

"You…you imprinted on me?" I said, blushing. He smiled tiredly.

"I've always been in love with you…I just didn't realize it yet."

"And…I wouldn't call it imprinting, it's…it's more than that, stronger." I didn't know what to say, I truly didn't.

"You…should get some sleep." I said, he smiled.

"And you should eat something…I can hear your stomach from here."

"Esme was making something to eat I think, we can eat here if ya want."

"I already ate…I'll just watch you." I laughed, finally a genuine laugh!

"Ok, that's not creepy or anything." I said. He laughed as we walked inside, the tension was gone and it felt like we could be happy together again, like before only this time…I could be truly happy too. This all isn't perfect, there is still a lot of work to do…I know he doesn't know what he's doing, and damn I know I don't know what to do either…but I know we can figure it out, I know he loves me as much as I love him now.

We're just boys but….its summer time, we've got the time to figure it out.

Look forward to Part II!