Santana woke up in a mess of sheets and pillows and the duvet she shared with Brittany. Their bed had always been their haven, soft and forgiving after long days and disagreements and the wear and tear the world took on their bodies. Whenever Santana felt anxiety soak her through to her bones at work, she would close her eyes and count the hours until she could get into her bed, lying next to her wife, nestled there in peace and safety. Her bed was the only place she always felt relaxed.
But this morning, immediately upon waking, she wasn't relaxed. The anxiety that accompanied nausea seized her immediately, and she found herself frantically wondering if she would make it to the bathroom in time to land the thin contents of her stomach into the toilet.
She jolted out of bed, the chill of the room plastering itself on her cheeks and forearms, soothing her just enough to give her time to get to the bathroom. She hovered over the toilet for a moment before the ripple seized her stomach and pushed up her throat.
Vomiting was such a horrible way to start the day.
Brittany stirred in the bedroom, awaking with gauzy tenderness and floating to Santana's side. She rubbed Santana's back and hushed reassurances, reminding her it would be worth it when they had their precious baby between them in six months.
Although Santana was cynical, the fact that they already had one precious baby gave her a sense memory to cling to. Lying in bed with newborn Caleb between them had been worth every anxiety and tear and doubt they'd had along the way. And although now instead of tears and doubts she had vomit, she steeled herself, willing herself to believe Brittany was right.
After the first wave of nausea passed, Santana brushed her teeth and wilted back into the bed, letting Brittany fold her into the duvet and pillows again. Brittany murmured something about food and checking on Caleb. Santana willed herself to drift back towards sleep, but the sourness in her stomach and soreness in her chest kept her on the verge of dreams, too aware of the pillowcase around her ears and the dull hum of the heater.
Brittany sank into the mattress near Santana's waist and Santana felt it dip. Santana hoped it wouldn't knock her delicate equilibrium off balance and make her vomit again. Brittany placed a hand on Santana's forehead, feeling for a fever, though they both knew she would find clammyness, but not excessive heat. It was a gesture of comfort and concern, because Brittany couldn't do much else.
Brittany put a toasted bagel with cream cheese on the nightstand and encouraged Santana to eat. After Santana had taken two forced, weary bites, Brittany asked if Santana was ready to get up.
On a normal weekend morning, Brittany would have encouraged Santana to remain in bed as long as she needed, nourishing their Easter-egg-sized child with sleep and the comfort of the familiar white linens that pillowed her.
But today was Easter, and Brittany was excited to introduce Caleb to all the traditions she'd had as a child.
Santana thought she could still faintly smell the stubborn sulphur of hardboiled eggs wafting through their house, mingling with the commanding odor of vinegar dyes. The memory of the smell made her stomach tense and her mouth go dry around the bite of bagel she was chewing, but she closed her eyes and tried to convince herself that those smells were gone now. Brittany had promised her the eggs would stay in the garage where Santana wouldn't have to smell them, and she hadn't asked for Santana's help tucking them around the lawn last night. As long as Santana didn't have to smell or eat any eggs, she would be okay. She hoped.
Half an hour later, Santana sat by the kitchen window, looking past the frost-tinted edges that created a gossamer frame around her wife and son. Brittany was crouching down, pointing to something in the grass. Two-year-old Caleb looked dubious, glancing between the tufts of grass and Brittany's bright, enthusiastic face. Santana couldn't hear Brittany's words, but she could feel how badly Brittany wanted Caleb to be excited about Easter. It was one of her favorite holidays, and this year Caleb was finally old enough to look for eggs and hopefully not cry when they took him to see the Bunny at the mall later.
Hesitantly, Caleb stooped, butt jutting out in his diapered clumsiness, and picked up the egg Brittany had been pointing to. He studied it for a moment, frowning at the vinegar-dye-stained shell, before letting it roll out of his palm into the basket in Brittany's hand. Brittany's smile widened and she gave a gentle clap, and Santana could see the "yayyy!" on her lips. Then Brittany stood up, leaning crooked as she took Caleb's hand and led him to the next egg.
Santana had to hand it to their son, he was very patient while indulging Brittany's whimsy.
After finding the next egg, Caleb frowned deeper, not understanding why they were looking for eggs in his backyard. He knew eggs were not a natural part of his backyard habitat. After studying a purple and green egg for a moment, he raised it to his lips, asking if he was supposed to eat it. Brittany's hand darted forward and she shook her head. Santana didn't hear her words, but she knew Brittany was giving him some kind of fairy-tale explanation as to why they weren't supposed to eat these eggs. Santana knew the real reason was because they had been sitting unrefrigerated in the garage for a week, but she was certain Brittany was telling him it was because they were magical. Caleb dutifully put the egg in the basket and followed Brittany to the next egg. Brittany pointed and looked excited when she produced not one, but two eggs from underneath a bucket in Caleb's sandbox.
Caleb tolerated Brittany's strange fascination with looking for eggs in their frigid backyard for five more minutes before he decided he was done and toddled to the back door, leaving Brittany with the basket and a disappointed look on her face.
Santana rose from where she was seated, opening the door, relishing the cold air on her face and arms.
"Hey, buddy," she cooed. "You find all the eggs?"
Caleb gave a solemn, distracted nod as he looked around the kitchen, do doubt for food.
"Hungry?" Santana asked.
Caleb gave a fervent nod and plodded further into the kitchen, stopping between the sink and refrigerator, looking up at Santana expectantly. Santana steeled herself for the nausea that would hit her when she opened the refrigerator to get him some juice or a yogurt and was inevitably flooded by the vile smell that was festering within. For the last two months, she had been unable to open the refrigerator without gagging, even though Brittany swore she cleaned it out and scrubbed it every week. When Santana's eye caught a bunch of bananas in the basket on the counter, she decided to put off the olfactory torture the fridge promised. She snapped the banana off its stem and opened it, giving Caleb a reassuring smile.
When you are hungry, I will feed you. When you are hurt, I will heal you. When you are sad, I will comfort you.
She crouched down to his level and handed it to him, studying his chubby, earnest little face as he closed in on the banana and took a big bite, jaw moving to chew slowly. Santana marvelled at how quickly he had gone from a helpless infant to a curious little boy.
Brittany came inside, letting in a refreshing chill and leaving the basket of nauseating eggs on the porch where the cold would prevent the smell from permeating everything in the house. Santana gave her a sympathetic smile, knowing she was disappointed Caleb had shown no interest in hunting for eggs. Brittany gave a shrug, as if to say, What can you do?
"Hey Caleb," Brittany said, face turning animated again. "I think the bunny left something in the living room."
Caleb stared up at her, mouth filled to the brim with banana, and made no indication he wanted to move toward the living room.
Brittany turned to Santana. "Mama, why don't you go see if you can find it with him?" She put her hand on the handle of the fridge, indicating she was planning to open it and was giving Santana an opportunity to leave the room first.
Santana ushered Caleb into the living room, unsure what Brittany had hidden precisely, but relieved to not be in the kitchen when the smell of the refrigerator mushroomed into the kitchen like a noxious gas.
Santana looked around, fingers tousling Caleb's soft, fine hair as he continued to chew, trusty banana in hand. At first she saw nothing, but then she noticed colored dots speckled around the room. Upon closer examination, she realized they were jelly beans that Brittany had hidden in plain sight for Caleb to find. Santana knew he would be far more enthusiastic about this hunt than the one in the backyard.
"Hey, Caleb," Santana said, crouching down with a grin. "Do you see something special in our living room?"
Caleb didn't look around, only kept chewing and staring at Santana.
"Look around," Santana said, holding a hand up to shield her eyes from an imaginary sun as she mimed looking.
Caleb glanced to the side, seeing nothing.
"I spy with my little eye..." Santana started, "something small and red in Wabbit's favorite truck."
At that, Caleb perked up. Something red? Red was his favorite color, and Wabbit was his favorite lovey, and he knew where Wabbit's favorite truck was at all times.
Caleb turned and walked over to the purple dump truck that was lodged between a basket of library books and his play kitchen. He peered into the truck bed and discovered a red jelly bean. He held it up, smiling, but not understanding what it was.
Santana clapped softly and said, "Yay, you found it!"
Caleb smiled nervously, holding the jelly bean out to Santana.
"Do you know what this is?" Santana asked as she held out her palm to receive the jelly bean.
Caleb didn't respond, so she said, "This is a jelly bean. It's very tasty."
To demonstrate, she bit half of it and hummed a yum while rubbing her still-aching stomach. At that, Caleb grew more interested. Santana held up the half-bitten jelly bean and he took it back from her fingers, putting it in his mouth. When he realized how tasty it was, he grinned and said, "¡Más!"
Santana giggled and said, "There's lots more! They're hiding all over the room."
Caleb's head jerked around, scouring the room for more jelly beans. Spotting several tucked into the crevices of his play kitchen, he handed his banana off to Santana and began collecting them, putting them in his mouth as quickly as he could pick them up with his chubby fingers.
At that, Santana grew nervous. His tiny teeth wouldn't be able to keep up and he'd surely choke on the jelly beans.
"Slow down, buddy," she warned. "Let's get a bowl to put them in so we can have some for later."
She ventured into the kitchen, smelling only a faint waft of sulphur from the fridge as she got a bowl out of the cabinet. Brittany was opening the oven, sliding a tray of cinnamon buns inside. A plate of fruit and a bowl of yogurt were already on the counter.
"Looks good, baby," Santana commented.
Brittany beamed up at her, sliding off the oven mits.
"I've been practicing putting buns in the oven," she said with a fake cocky shrug.
Santana gave a wincing giggle as Brittany wrapped her arms around her and hummed into her hair. "How are you doing?" she asked, concerned and soft.
Santana usually hated being treated like an invalid. For the first few weeks of her pregnancy, she had resisted any extra care or concern from Brittany. But lately she had decided it was easier to be taken care of than to have Brittany pestering her all the time to take better care of herself.
It wasn't so bad, letting Brittany take care of her. She got tea and food brought to her at any hour of the day or night, and her feet rubbed and her back massaged. She always got to be the little spoon, nestling into Brittany's hips. And Brittany never expected her to carry anything over ten pounds, which, aside from Caleb, Santana was glad for.
"I'm okay," Santana shrugged. "Nauseous, but okay."
"Heartburn?"
Santana screwed her lips to the side of her face. "Can't tell, with the vomit."
Brittany nodded and gave her a peck on the forehead, bracing her hands on Santana's forearms. Then she took Santana by the hand and walked back into the living room, where Caleb was wheeling his purple dump truck around, collecting jelly beans as intently as though this were a real construction job he'd been assigned to. Santana and Brittany melted into the couch and Santana let Brittany fold her into her arms, stroking her hair to soothe her against any advancing sickness.
Caleb discovered a cellophane-wrapped basket behind the armchair and poked at it before looking up at his moms.
"That's for you, buddy," Brittany said. "The bunny left it for you."
Caleb studied the contents of the basket. Santana couldn't see over the back of the sofa and was feeling a bit green, so Brittany patted her shoulder and got up, helping Caleb unwrap his Easter basket on the coffee table where Santana could see. She narrated the contents, and Santana was relieved to hear there wasn't too much candy. He'd gotten a set of tiny terra cotta pots with seeds and toddler-sized garden tools to tend the sprouts with. He'd gotten a pair of bunny ears that were too big and kept toppling forward, obstructing his vision. He'd gotten a pair of rainboots with chicks on them and a pair of socks with bunnies embroidered on them. There was only one piece of chocolate, the obligatory bunny wrapped in colored foil.
Santana smiled and Caleb set to work putting on his boots and walking bow-legged around the living room, eyes trained on his feet, vetting the boots for optimal splashing. Halfway around the couch, he spotted his dump-truck with its cache of jelly beans and returned to collecting the few left that he could find, although when he was done, Santana spotted a few that he hadn't seen. Brittany leaned forward and picked one out of the binding of a book on the coffee table. She held it between her fingers and offered it to Santana. Santana opened her mouth and was relieved to discover that Juicy Pear jelly beans didn't offend her delicate palette.
Brittany put her hand on Santana's forehead, coaxing her to lean back against her shoulder as Caleb found Wabbit and set him in the back of the dump truck, protecting his nest of jelly beans. Santana sighed and leaned back, tired and weak from her nausea, but happy to be in the comfort of her home with the two people she loved most in the world.
The rest of the day was exhausting. For the first time in her life, Santana felt like she was moving at Caleb's pace. Her fatigue and her nausea reduced her to what felt like a toddler speed of functioning. She understood why Gramma Vickie could be so overwhelming, and why there was nothing fun about getting a picture taken with a man in a giant, creepy bunny outfit, and why an afternoon nap was essential.
After tucking Caleb into his bed, Brittany came into the bedroom where Santana had melted into the pillows and sheets. Brittany crawled under the covers and put her hand on Santana's stomach, protective and excited and no doubt imagining what next year would be like. Caleb would be one year older and hopefully more engaged in the egg hunt, while their little one wriggled in a nest of blankets, still too tiny to crawl.
It didn't surprise Santana at all when Caleb dragged his weary body from his room into theirs. She almost expected him to want to nap with them. When his pudgy hand patted her wrist, she opened her eyes and smiled at him. She propped herself up and hoisted him onto the bed, snuggling him against her front as Brittany leaned forward, resuming her curl around Santana, hand on Caleb's belly now. They drifted into sleep.
Somewhere deep inside, the pearl of life within Santan stirred, anxious for the day she would come to know her family and wonders of the world around her.