A/N - Stephanie Meyer owns all.

Rated M for mature content.

Chapter 1 - Return

EPOV

Forks, May 2006

As I ran headlong through the forests of Washington State, the miles disappearing beneath my feet, I reflected on the fact that I was actually returning to the one place that I swore I would never visit again - so long as Isabella Swan, my human mate, still resided there. My destination: Forks, Washington. I had left my Bella there the previous September- when I walked out of her life, even at the expense of my own heart - to keep her safe from the dangers of my world.

But as the weeks without her turned to months, and the pain in my heart grew to unmanageable proportions, my resolve to stay away had begun to falter; until finally- finally - I made the decision that I had to return to Bella.

I had spent the last several months holed-up in a damp attic in a Brazilian ghetto, after failing miserably in my attempt at tracking Victoria. I knew that my tracking skills were poor, but I gave it my best attempt, pathetic as it had been. I was unable to focus properly on the hunt, as the constant ache in my chest continually distracted me from my quarry.

So after following a false trail to Brazil, I ended up in a rat infested hellhole. It seemed fitting, as I deemed it a perfect place for an eternally damned creature like myself to fade-away in. And so, I had spent those last few terrible months in a state of hazy semi-consciousness, as close to dreaming as is possible for a vampire. I existed completely alone, the memories of Bella my only company; but as time passed, my determination to stay away finally cracked, my iron-will reduced to nothing in the face of her temptation. I had given-up debating right vs. wrong; about the terrible burden my presence had placed upon her - and was now racing urgently to bask in the light of her love once again.

My existence had truly become a nightmare of endless days and nights since I had left what had become the focal point of my century on earth- my Bella. Shy, selfless, adorably clumsy, and radiant Isabella Swan had turned my bleak and dreary world into one of beauty and light, and I could not exist another moment without her.

As I ran, my thoughts wandered to that last day spent in my hovel; about the final crack that had brought down the wall of my martyred isolation and self-pity; and how, when that final crack appeared, the raging torrent of emotion and love and desire that I had held at bay through the lonely months came roaring through me like a mighty river crashing through the ruins of a shattered dam.

I had been remembering the night in Port Angelas; that glorious first night, when all the walls were down between us. And how my beautiful and brave and inexplicable Bella told me, with no hesitation or fear, that my monstrous nature would not deter her from pursuing a relationship with me; that it was, in her words, 'too late.' The array of emotions that had engulfed me then, as I drove her home in the dark, thrilled me and dazzled me and left me feeling reborn.

But then, creeping into my thoughts like a black miasma, I remembered the events of earlier that same evening; when my Bella was cornered by those four animals, and the plans for her that had festered in their filthy minds. I remembered seeing through their eyes- the fear on her face, the tremor in her voice- and how the predators were savoring the moment before they struck, readying themselves to pounce on her innocent flesh and violating her in unimaginable ways.

Fear coursed through me then, as I sat frozen in my hovel, stronger than I had felt since the night of her fateful 18th birthday. What if she needed me right now? How could I save her if I was halfway across the planet? Had not I been the one to label Bella a 'danger magnet'? How could I ever have thought she could be safe without me? How could I leave my heart behind? How could I have been so stupid, so arrogant?

The dam was cracked, my resolve was broken, and I was up and out the door - and on my way back to Bella.

On my way to the airport in Rio, I had called Alice - my delightful, energetic pixie-of-a-sister, who was always supportive of Bella and I and who loved Bella like a sister. Before the phone had even finished it's first ring, she had answered; she had, of course, seen my decision to return, and she was completely thrilled with the news. She had missed Bella almost as much as me, and knew that it was only a matter of time before I broke and went back to her. I had dismissed her arguments for remaining in Forks last September, confident in my ability to keep my distance and safeguard Bella from my world; but Alice said I would not be able to stay away, and she happily reminded me of it during our call.

I had forgotten, it seemed, a basic Cullen truism : never bet against Alice.

So I had raced to the airport, stopping briefly for a change of clothes to make myself presentable to airport security, before purchasing my ticket and boarding the first flight leaving for the western United States. Seventeen hours later, I finally landed in Seattle, and was now running towards Forks in as direct a path as possible. I raced through the dense forests and low-lying mountain peaks, never slowing, as I grew closer and closer to my destination. I had possessed far too much nervous energy to take the time to negotiate a car rental, and my top speed would match the car's anyway.

As I ran, the wind of my speed caressing my granite skin, I replayed my last conversation with Alice, held while I waited for my flight layover in Houston. She had been barking orders at me in one breath, and catching me up on family news in another. In typical Alice-fashion, she told me to purchase a particular outfit that she 'saw' in one of the airport clothing shops, insisting that I would look great in it, and she knew I wouldn't refuse her. When she was satisfied that I looked 'presentable', the conversation turned to Bella.

Apparently, Alice had not disobeyed the directive I issued to her last September, and she had not used her visions to check on Bella. This surprised and unsettled me; I had expected her to disobey me and check anyway. In fact, I realized, as a sliver of fear swept through my chest, I probably counted on Alice keeping an eye on her. I felt the beginnings of panic setting-in when I realized that anything could have happened over the past ten months, and I would never have known.

I felt physically sick, an impossibility for a vampire, and in a harsher tone than my sister deserved I demanded that she look for her now. But to my shock and surprise, she said she could not see Bella in her visions anymore.

For a single second, my thoughts went blank; when they restarted, a tidal wave of despair threatened to drown me. I began to shake, uncontrollably, with fear - and didn't calm until the shouting voice of Alice, coming through the tinny speaker of the cellphone, penetrated the fuzziness in my brain. She was yelling at me to calm down, telling me that she had checked just today, and that Bella still attended Forks High. When my head finally cleared, I listed to Alice explaining that she probably couldn't see Bella anymore because she hadn't looked for so long - and that she had become desensitized to seeing Bella in her visions.

While this reasoning seemed plausible, a darker possibility perched at the edge of my mind, and no rational explanations would dislodge it. Perhaps, I reasoned, that Alice could not see Bella anymore because Bella was no longer part of - or going to be part of - my family's lives. Perhaps our futures no longer intersected. Perhaps, my darkest subconscious whispered to me, Bella would turn you away.

This possibility filled me with dread, and Alice's reassurances that everything would be fine with Bella and I was only slightly comforting; but I clung to them with the grip of a drowning man, as any other eventuality might have caused me to become completely unglued.

As I jumped effortlessly over a river gorge and sprinted through a deep alpine ravine, I reminded myself to be grateful that Bella had stayed with her father in Forks. I knew she detested the cold, and the wet, and I had been fearful that Bella might have returned to Jacksonville to be with her mother. It was fitting and proper, I thought, that we reunite here, where our unlikely relationship had begun. Plus, moving about in the daytime in sunny Florida would have been extremely difficult with my sparkling skin. But I knew, that for Bella, I would have gone without hesitation. For her, I would go anywhere.

And with that thought firmly in mind - and despite my fear of the unknown, and what Alice's lack of visions meant for mine and Bella's future - I knew that I would soon have her in my sights, and that I would be whole again. I hoped with every ounce of my unbeating heart that all would be forgiven, and she would soon be back in my arms. And I knew, that if Bella could forgive me, and take me back - that I would never leave her side again.

I knew I was close to my goal, as the heavy forests and wild terrain became more familiar to me. As I tore through the living forest, I was distracted, suddenly, by the warm aroma of blood, and my superior hearing picked-up the sound of thudding heartbeats nearby. I knew I should hunt before I was hit with the full potency of Bella's scent, so I veered off course to pursue the herd of deer I had smelled.

My focus narrowed to nothing but the kill, and I became the super-predator that always lurked beneath my civilized veneer. I had not hunted in far, far too long, and being trapped in the confined airplane had pushed my endurance to the limit. My eyes were black as pitch, and the purple bags under my eyes had never been more pronounced.

I quickly took down three deer, and turned back towards Forks, now fully sated.

As I accelerated again, loping effortlessly through the dense canopy, I thought back to the other times I had almost given-up and returned for Bella.

I had been very, very close to cracking on several occasions. My existence in Rio had become unbearable. I had spent weeks at a time, completely unmoving, letting my mind wander to my many pleasant memories of Bella. Over and over I replayed our happiest times together: the meadow, the happy times with my family during the summer, the prom, the night she told me she loved me - all captured in ultra high-definition and endlessly viewable in my limitless vampire brain.

But as my resolve would waver and I would be on the verge of giving up, the pleasant memories and delusions would, invariably, be shattered by the horrible memory of her eighteenth birthday party. When Jasper attacked her, and I threw my beloved into a table of glass plates, causing her overpowering blood to flow freely, and spiking the bloodlust of everyone in my family save Carlisle.

For a brief moment - to my everlasting shame - I was just as crazed as Jasper and wanted to drain her myself, and this same desire dominated everyone in the room. And the realization of this brought my self-loathing to a degree I had never felt before, and fueled my resolve to sever all ties between Bella and the vampire world. I had been determined to put things right; to ignore my selfish desires, risking her life and blackening her soul with every moment she spent with me. To renounce my love; to walk away from our love and my deepest wish to forever have her by my side. Even as the pain of my decision threatened to break me, I knew she deserved so much more than a monster.

With these thoughts spinning through my mind, the final miles disappeared beneath my racing feet, and I wondered, for the hundredth time today, how Bella had fared during our separation. Had she moved on from me easily, as most human females her age were wont to do? Had she missed me even a fraction as much as I missed her?

Or maybe, I selfishly hoped, Bella was like her father - a man who still pined over his ex-wife from sixteen years ago - never moving on from first love. Was it possible she needed me as much as I needed her? My Bella was certainly unique; she was mature, and passionate, and seemed to give of herself completely. So different from most girls her age - and I would have believed that she would miss me desperately, only moving on after enough time had passed to heal her wounded heart.

But if she was like her father - loving someone so fully that they never moved on from them completely - then how could she have believed my lies so readily when I told her I didn't want her anymore? I never understood her reaction that day, finding it impossible to reconcile her actions with the girl I thought I knew. That blackest of days had been on endless replay in my mind, torturing me with its cruelty and pain, punishing me for my sins against my beloved.

But she let me go so quickly! Had I misjudged her love for me? Was she simply 'dazzled' by me, as so many others were taken in by my vampire lures? Was that all there was to her affections? Maybe more than a simple 'crush', as she had told her mother, but certainly not something to distress over for very long?

After the terrible events in Phoenix had occurred, where she greeted me with such desperation in the hospital, I thought her love was strong. And we spent that magical summer together, before the start of senior year, where we grew close and talked about the future. Those memories were so potent, that I would have scoffed at anyone who doubted Bella's love for me. Such a sentiment seemed absurd.

But how to reconcile that with her actions when I left her? I couldn't be sure what she was feeling that day. And I could never read her mind. She was a mystery to me, the only being on this planet able to fully surprise and confound me.

When I had decided that my family and I needed to leave her behind to live a normal, human life, I had come to her house expecting to have to convince her that I no longer loved her; I had dozens of arguments and counter-arguments stored and ready to use against her, and I would not relent. My resolve was absolute, and I would say whatever I had to so that she would let me go and move on with her human life without forever hoping that I would one day return for her.

But to my surprise - and when did Bella not surprise me? - she had needed no convincing at all. As soon as the blasphemy of my indifference towards her had been uttered; indeed, even before all the words had passed from my cruel tongue - I saw something shut down behind her eyes- a darkening of a light, a shadow passing over a beckoning window.

She believed everything I said, and gave-up immediately. I watched in disbelief, realizing she wasn't going to fight for our love.

My last, selfish hope - when I leaned down to kiss her forehead to get one last heavenly inhalation of her luscious scent - was that she would grab onto me, and kiss me, and ask me to stay. But she didn't. She had already accepted my excuses, and had shut down her feelings, turning them off like the flip of a switch. So I turned and ran from her; I ran as fast as I could run, straight back to my car, and fled straight to Alaska to meet my family, who had left Forks the night before. I ran like a coward - never looking back - from the only thing that had every truly made me happy.

I shook my head, clearing it of these thoughts, as I entered the town of Forks. The most important thing to me was seeing her again, bathing in her presence. I could not live in a world that she was not part of, and once I saw her and spoke to her we could worry about the rest.

I blazed through the familiar landscape, passing our home without stopping. I knew that Alice, Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle were only about an hour behind me, and planned on staying as long as I was here. Their flight from Anchorage - where they were vacationing with the Denali's before returning to their new home in Ithaca - was due to land shortly. Their plan was to rent two vehicles and then head straight for the house in Forks, and wait for me to discuss what our next steps were. I had asked them to not make any premature decisions about staying here, and to please wait for news; but they were too excited about seeing Bella again, and were absolutely sure that she would take me back.

They had missed Bella terribly - Alice most of all - and were very upset with me about turning away from her and then forcing them to abandon her. I knew they all felt extremely guilty about that; but I also knew, in their deepest thoughts, that some of them thought perhaps I was doing the right thing for Bella. That she had been hurt, badly, and could have twice been killed - both times at the hands of a vampire - since she had entered our lives.

But they also all knew, however, that for me, the separation from my mate would be the most difficult thing I had ever endured.

When they finally agreed with me and promised to leave, Carlisle had considered that perhaps, since Bella was human, the mating bond might not be as strong as among two fully mated vampires; and that we could thus be apart, and live happy, separate lives. I knew that he said this mostly to help assuage Esme's worry about me, but he also believed that it might spare Bella from the pain that mates typically endure when they are separated for long periods of time. The only one who could have shed light on how strong Bella's emotions really were was Jasper. And he was absent, as he had fled with Alice after the disastrous party, claiming he was too ashamed to face us and needing an extended break from the family. Thus, we couldn't get his insight into the emotions of the players involved, and my determination to do the right thing for Bella was strong - and my pain was still to raw- to wait for him for consultation.

In retrospect, the bond I felt was indeed that of a fully mated vampire, and my forced separation from Bella was doomed to failure. I had been in constant agony since I had so foolishly left, and only the fleeting distraction that hunting for Victoria provided me buffered any of my pain. Each day, I had to force my hands to stay at my sides, willing myself not to call her, run to her, ravish her - and with each day it got harder and harder to stay away.

I think deep-down, I always knew that I would have come back to check on her before she graduated. And knowing I would be lying to myself when I said that I was only coming for a check, and that if she seemed reasonably happy that I would be able to tear myself away again and go back to my family.

So with my destination now close-at-hand, I ran unerringly on the path that would lead me to Bella's ... to my home.

A/N - My apologies for the terrible spacer breaks filled with 'M' and '*' - for some reason FF is removing my html line breaks and paragraph markers if they don't have an actual letter in them. So I can't get away with all asterisks. Sorry.