A/N: This is my first Brittana fic, constructive criticism is welcome. Thank you for reading and I hope it's good enough to even consider continuing.

Song Suggestion: "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle

~Was insanity just a matter of dropping the act?~

I'd dropped the act a long time ago. I dropped the act when I started understanding what it meant to live in my own skin. I was disgusted and frightened, and I lived every single moment of my existence feeling that way. But at least I wasn't lying to myself. At least I knew exactly what I was.

I tried to push it all away. Join in on the laughs, sit in the back of a truck and knock over mailboxes while a greasy jock drove through our middle school parking lot screaming about how great it was to be alive. I smoked weed under the bleachers, I broke arm my hopping a fence, and no one ever told me how I was supposed to feel. I tried pushing it all away, again. Trust me I tried.

But I was so unbelievable that I was embarrassed and I knew everyone could see right through me. Every single time I spoke I was lying, up the point where the truth didn't even register to me. I forgot my name, I tried forgetting how to breathe. And this was all before 10th grade. They moved me to this place, some kind of psychiatric hospital, it was only for a few months over the summer, I think that's the place that really broke me.

Drugs. They gave me drugs, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I thought people went to places like that to stop using drugs not start.

I just remember the therapist there, he had these beady eyes and mustache that was reddish brown, and every time we talked he tried to convince me that I'd been raped. I told him that I wasn't, he said I was showing signs of intense trauma, I got to fed up that I picked up my chair and flung it across the room. I thought it was funny at the time, he didn't, and I still don't even know if I was raped or not.

I put it all behind me on the first day of school. Everyone was smiling so I didn't, and when Quinn explained to me that Brittany would be back today I grew impatient. Her plane had gotten stuck in Texas so she'd be here by lunch, or so Quinn claimed. Quinn was always lying though, so I tried not to take anything she said at face value.

"She's so lucky she spent the summer in Jamaica, seriously I would kill to spend a day there. The sun would do me some good." Quinn said as she leaned on her desk. She was chewing on her pencil, some weird oral fixation that she developed since she'd smoked her first cigarette back in April. She liked smoking I was addicted to it. "She Skyped me like everyday, you should ask her about some of her stories. Ask her about the golf cart that one's good." I looked at Quinn and smiled, she seemed really excited to have Brittany back.

She never even asked me about my summer, I thought to myself.

"Was she afraid of flying?" I questioned quietly because Quinn couldn't have known about Brittany's fear of flying. Some things were off limits with Quinn, Brittany's fears was one of those things. Quinn had trouble keeping certain things to herself and Brittany didn't want anyone or everyone giving her a hard time about it. "I mean, a lot of people are." I added diverting my gaze to the floor where my notebook had just fallen. I had no idea how it's fallen, and I had no intention of picking it up.

"I dunno, I guess you can ask her all those questions when she gets here. Twenty bucks says she'll forget her lunch money." Quinn said holding out her hand for me to shake. Quinn was probably right but I didn't want to put Brittany down, even in her absence, so I shook on it. There goes my money for dinner on Friday and Saturday, I guess I could just find something in the house while my parents are gone. "Where did you go this summer? Monte Carlo? Rome?" It only took her till today to ask. My parents went to Venice, I was locked in a hospital learning how to play the piano with a girl who occasionally would try to light herself on fire.

But I guess Quinn didn't have to know that.

"Nowhere." I mumbled as the teacher walked into the room. Mr. Morgan, he was new, transferred from a school in Western Kentucky and so the rumors were spreading around. Courtney Marshall said that he moved to be with his mother who was dying of lung cancer. Bailey Forte said that he had an affair with a student and he was asked to leave behind closed doors, that story was more interesting so that's what everyone went with. I overheard Quinn say that she wouldn't mind if he had an affair with her, everyone laughed, and I smiled thinking about how her whole family would imploded, and how Quinn would never be the same.

"That's lame." Quinn said with a shrug. She nudged me when Rachel Berry walked in, she was late, that wasn't something she normally did. I couldn't hear what she said to Mr. Morgan but he nodded in understanding and Rachel rush to sit in the desk behind me. "I take it back, she's lame." Quinn said looking directly over my shoulder at Rachel. I didn't look back for fear of my empathy taking over me. I didn't want to be in charge of apologizing for majority of the student population.

"So, we have a required curriculum, but we also have some leeway. I'm interested in hearing your ideas. Name books that you've always been curious about-."

"50 Shades of Grey!" Puck shouted from his spot in the back of the room. Most of the girls were too afraid to laugh, but all of the guys were bending at the waists and trying to contain their laughter. I thought it was amusing, not funny enough to laugh about though.

"I'll keep that idea in the back of my mind." Mr. Morgan said. He dug around in his desk for a moment before pulling out a piece of chalk. He walked up to the board and wrote 50 Shades of Grey in this unmistakably scribbled and organized handwriting. The whole back of the class was hooting and hollering to the point where Mr. Morgan even broke out laughing. He covered his mouth and puffed out his cheeks for a moment with a charming smile after. "Okay, okay calm down. I need more suggestions. If someone walks in here and this is all I have written on the board then I'm going to get fired." For once I actually liked a teacher for being themselves. I looked around, a few hands flew into the air. Soon there were so many suggestions that he had to tell people to wait so he could write them all down. The choices ranged from To Kill a Mockingbird to Twilight, and just as classes was about to end, I did something I've never done. I raised my hand.

"Yep." Mr. Morgan said giving me a point and a nod. The room grew silent, like I was going to say something miraculous. I cleared my throat and looked at Quinn before speaking.

"A Clockwork Orange." No one said anything, no one gave me a second nomination, but Mr. Morgan did look at me for a solid 15 seconds before a smile spread across his face.

"Wow, how'd you hear about that book?" He asked as he leaned against his desk. I shrugged because I could hardly say that my roommate in the asylum ranted about it nonstop like it was some kind of bible.

"What's it about?" Rachel asked curiously. I opened my mouth, like I had any idea what to say. I didn't so I closed my mouth again.

"It's just very dark and compelling." Mr. Morgan said giving me a warm smile.

"That's so Santana, you have no idea." Quinn said loudly enough for everyone to hear, before the bell rang. I gathered my things, Quinn waited for me so we could go to her locker. I always kept my backpack with me throughout the day so I just waited as she put her stuff up. I could see Finn's eyes devouring Quinn as she reached on her tip-toes to grab her wallet. She pulled out three dollars and then put her wallet back. "You know what's weird? I worked out like twice a week all through August plus cheer practice and I lost 8 pounds." We walked into the lunchroom, Quinn got her salad and I got a sandwich and we headed outside.

I didn't mind sitting with all the cheerleaders and jocks, they were entertaining and loud and it helped me drown out my own thoughts. "Is that healthy?" I asked Quinn who was eyeing the back of her ranch packet and shrugging.

"Hmmm I don't-." She stopped mid-sentence and screamed jumping out of her seat and rushing over towards the steps. I looked over and watched half the squad run over too, it was Brittany. She was back and smiling, and I didn't have to chase over there and wrap my arms around her body to know that.

They talked throughout lunch, all of them in this circle, every girl tell Brittany how their summer was, Brittany explaining hers. I didn't watch for much longer, I left my sandwich at the table and left heading to the library.

I set my backpack down under a study table and went to the fiction section. I sought out all the books we'd talked about in class. I made sure they were all there so I could come back once a week and get a new one just in case. "Oh come on." I spun around and I was face to face with Brittany. Her eyes lit up, her sun kissed skin made her look like a surfer or a girl from California. Her smile was exactly how it was on the day she left Lima to go on vacation. She'd just eaten a starburst, I could taste it in the air. "I tried to wait for you to pull back a book, you know like in the movies when someone's on the other side?" I nodded because I understood exactly what she meant. I nodded because I couldn't speak right now and I wanted her to continue. "I saw you outside, you didn't wait for me." Now it was my turn to say something, I wrapped my arms around her body instead of saying anything.

She was warm, and she nuzzled her nose against my ear, I felt her smile spread and she pulled back, using one of her hands to brush my hair away from my face. "You got taller." She proclaimed with a beaming smile.

"No...uh, no way I grew." I said pulling back from her and looking down at the ground. "How was Jamaica?" I asked her, she shook her head and laughed it off.

"Some things I can't explain with words, you know? And it was amazing, but it wasn't Ohio. Two different things, you know?" I noticed that she'd grown her hair out even more, and that the scrape on her elbow that she had from falling at the YMCA pool had long since faded away. I was thankful that nothing else faded. "I hope I'm not in trouble with the squad though." She said sheepishly, like she'd broken something that she couldn't fix.

"You're not." I said trying to catch my words before they got away from me. "Quinn says you're the best dancer on the squad...and she said that Sue was upset, but she's not going to punish you." I explained wondering why the squad hadn't told her that when they were surrounding her and asking about her summer. Speaking about cheerleading only made me feel more like an outsider than I already did.

"Thank God." Brittany said with a sigh of relief. "But I have stupid practice after school. So can I come over after? So we can catch up." She asked with a hopeful glint in her eyes. I couldn't believe there was an ounce of her being that ever questioned whether or not I would say yes. I nodded and smiled again, it would be fun, just the two of us. "Cool, do you want me to bring anything over? We had gummy worms left over from the Dallas airport." She said.

"Yeah bring them. I'll be out back when you come over." I told her, giving her a heads up. Somehow she managed to lead me over to my backpack without me even noticing. I picked it up and swung it over my shoulder. "See you tonight."

+0+

This is what 5th grade boys do to demonstrate how strong they are. This is how I broke my arm the 4th and 5th time, but something kept pushing me to do it. Climbing my tree in my backyard made me feel like a heroine or a spider. Whichever it was, it didn't make me feel human. And I love it. I pulled my body up one more branch and swung my legs over before grabbing the one above my head.

I pulled myself up and hung there, dangling my feet, kicking against the atmosphere every few moments. I hung there just to prove to myself that I could. My arms were burning, and I felt my fingers slipping, but I held on, and safely landed on the branch below me, with only a few moments of panicking before I was completely balanced.

"Hey, Georgina of the jungle, want to join me down here?" I looked down and grinned when I saw Brittany heading over towards me waving a bag of gummy worms in her hands. I climbed down quickly and met her on the grass. She handed me the gummy worms but I could still see a bag in her other hand. We walked over and both got comfortable on my hammock. "You didn't say it." She said with a worried expression, I finished chewing my third gummy worm and then poked her in the side.

"Come on I haven't said that in like 4 years." I told her. She stared at me blankly for a second before leaning her head back down.

"Well I liked when you used to say it, it was funny. Hammock Time will never be the same now." I didn't realize that Brittany could be so melodramatic, and now I felt bad for not saying that ridiculous phrase that I thought I'd retired forever. "I asked Quinn what you did this summer." She started, our shoulders were touching and I found myself wanting to move away, or at least sit up so I could breathe.

"I didn't do anything." I said quietly.

"Yeah." Brittany said as she reached into the bag of gummies, taking out a couple for herself. "That's what she told me."

"You don't believe her?" I questioned.

"No, I don't believe you." She reiterated.

"That's the same-."

"No it's not." Brittany cut me off before I could continue. "Anyway, I got you souvenirs from Jamaica. Check this out." She pulled a book out of the bag. "This is a poetry book...I asked around, this guy in this weird bookstore told me Michelle Cliff was supposed to be good. I didn't know if you'd like it, but maybe you will." I took the book and smiled, it was the perfect gift, something only someone I knew well would get for me.

"Thank you." I breathed out. I didn't want to open the book just yet because I was afraid I would get sucked in, and I was supposed to be talking to Brittany not staring at the pages. "You really didn't have to."

"I wanted to." She said happily. "Plus it was my parents money and they let me get whatever I wanted." She explained right before reaching down and pulling out slim case. She opened it and showed me a necklace that was inside.

"Britt-."

"Here sit up." She said tapping my shoulder. I did as I was told and she put the necklace on for me. I looked down at the tiny anchor that hung at the end. It was cold against my chest, but it was beautiful. "Do you like it?" She asked after I'd looked at the necklace for about three minutes.

"I love it." I told her. I laid back down and so did she. I looked up at the stars, it was a nice night for stargazing, even if this was the suburbs of Ohio. Everything was sharp when I looked up at the sky.

"I miss you." She said without even looking at me. I think we were both sort of in a trance at this point. I didn't really want to acknowledge what she'd said. I didn't even understand what she meant. She acted like I'd left, she's the one who took the plane to get away. Was I supposed to say something back? Or were we just going to let her words hang in the air forever? "Did you miss me?"

"Yeah, of course I missed you." I responded fumbling with every word as it came out. "It was a long summer without you." That came out cleanly and I was no longer embarrassed by the sound of my voice for a moment.

"I don't understand why you do that." She said with a sigh. "I mean you speak to me, sometimes you speak to Quinn...but with everyone else...nothing."

"Talking is hard sometimes." I said simply.

"When I was walking back here I saw some of your things in the garage, some stuff still in suitcases...Santana?" Every time she gently ran her fingers over my knuckles it was an invitation to look at her. I didn't take her up on it once. "Where did you go this summer?" I didn't respond, I didn't think I ever would. "Count the stars." She told me.

"What?" I asked her.

"Every night when you're about to go to bed I want you to count the stars." She explained.

"There's are a billion stars Britt, that'll take-."

"Forever." She finished for me. "I know, so you'll never have a reason to stop. You'll just have to keep counting forever."

A/N: So should I continue? I really hope you guys liked it but I really won't know unless you tell me.