CHAPTER 34: Deny, Deny, Deny

The warm touch lingered right there as he pulled back. He did that ever so slowly, like he didn't want to let go yet.

I opened my eyes then.

He breathed in and breathed out, bit his lip. And when he finally opened his eyes, he looked straight into mine.

I blinked. Once. Twice. I gulped and stared back at him, still flustered, not knowing how to react.

He pulled away farther this time. His hands dropped from my face and then he took a step back. He cleared his throat and looked left and right. I wasn't sure if he was checking if someone else was there or if he was just avoiding my eyes.

When he looked at me again, he took another deep breath. And then looked down. He gulped, figuring out what to say next.

I still stood there like an idiot, taking deep breaths, speechless.

He looked up and nodded, pressed his lips together. "I'm—uh. So…" He cleared this throat again, trying to force the words to come out.

I took a step back. My mind, my feelings—everything was a complete mess. I didn't know what to say, what to do in front of Rodrick anymore. The urge to retreat was stronger than ever. "I guess… I'll head inside," I forced myself to say.

Meanwhile, it seemed like he wanted to hear some sort of answer, which I wasn't ready for. "Uh. Yeah… April—"

I gulped, gave a shy smile as I walked backward. "Um, H-Happy New Year."

"April—"

I turned around and quickly went inside our cabin, maybe a bit faster than I intended to.

I leaned on the door after I closed it, panting as if I ran a marathon. Still overwhelmed, I asked myself repeatedly. What just happened? Did that really just happen?

I certainly didn't see it coming. I mean, Rodrick was just walking me home, like he did a lot of times.

I brushed my hand over my lips.

Rodrick just kissed me. Does that mean…

I covered my face with both of my hands, trying to keep it from turning all red again.

. . . . . . . . . . .

"You sure you didn't forget anything, April?" Mom asked. It was almost noon the following day. We were getting ready to leave the winter resort to go back home.

I yawned and replied, "Yeah, I'm sure."

I had barely gotten any sleep.

After what happened with Rodrick, I ended up tossing and turning on bed. I couldn't even keep my eyes closed longer than 20 seconds, because too much thoughts raced through my mind: What was that? He really did that. Was he drunk that night? He said he really wanted to drink… And then he… What a stupid way to react, April. How could you just run away and hide?! Oh no, what if I see him tomorrow? Oh my gosh, what am I gonna do? How do I even talk to him after that?! Uughh. And probably a billion more of those. It also didn't help that Rodrick's scarf on the edge of the bed was staring right back at me, or that the necklace was just lying on the bedside table.

And yes, I did see him at breakfast. We passed by their table, and my parents naturally said hi to all of them. It was a good thing they didn't sit down to chat again. Rodrick and I only nodded at each other before my parents and I sat at a separate table to order breakfast.

"Alright then. Let's go," dad said.

We loaded our things in the car. After which, mom and dad stopped by the lobby for check-out. Meanwhile, I needed to use the restroom.

When I finished, my parents had just settled the bill and wanted to make a quick washroom break before we hit the road.

I quietly scrolled on my phone while waiting. After a while, I looked up to check if my parents were already walking out of the bathroom. Instead, I saw the Heffley family near the reception. Mr. and Mrs. Heffley were probably settling their bill. Greg was playing a video game as usual, and Manny was playing with a toy. Rodrick, on the other hand, wore a backpack on one shoulder while he scrolled on his phone. Suddenly, he looked up.

I immediately went back to scrolling my phone, pretending to actually read the tweets on my timeline and hoping he didn't see me staring at him. I felt like he did though.

And my hunch was right.

"Hey," he said. He stood in front of me, but not too close, probably a couple of feet away.

"Oh. H-Hey." I got up to greet him. I was anxious, at loss for words. "Y-You're going back home too?"

He nodded. "Yeah. But we're going to gramps's place first."

"I see." I didn't really know what else to say.

Then both of us were quiet, avoiding eye contact. All of a sudden, the music was louder, the chatter of other people was no longer discreet. Our words were eaten up by the noises around us, which, in reality, weren't actually that distracting.

Finally, he cleared his throat and looked at me. "Listen, about that—"

"April, are you ready to go?" my dad came, interrupting what Rodrick had to say. "Oh, hello Rodrick," he said when he noticed him there.

"Hi Mr. Preston," Rodrick politely responded, though I noticed him gulp.

"You guys are leaving today too?"

"Yeah."

"Well have a safe trip," he told him. Then he turned to me. "I'll wait for you and your mom in the car."

"Okay, dad," I replied. Then he went out the door.

Rodrick and I weren't able to continue talking after that, because right then, my mom walked out of the washroom. She probably retouched her make-up that's why she took so long. She saw Mrs. Heffley and greeted her before she walked up to me.

"Come on, April, honey. Let's go—Oh hi, Rodrick. You and your family have a safe trip, okay? Come on, April!" She sounded like she was in a rush. Well, she always sounded like that anyway.

"I'm coming! I was just waiting for you," I replied.

"Alright, alright." She smiled and then waved at Rodrick. With that she walked out the door. Rodrick didn't even have the chance to speak or anything. He just waved back.

"Ugh. She was the one who took so long," I muttered under my breath as I took a step towards the door. Then I paused and turned to Rodrick.

"Sorry about that," I told him. "Uh, I-I have to go... Stay safe."

He gave a laugh, although I felt like it was a forced one. "Heh. You all said the same thing. You stay safe too."

I smiled and turned away.

"See ya," I heard him say before I walked the door. He said it in a lower volume, like he was upset he didn't get to finish whatever he wanted to tell me.

I was thankful that my parents came right on time to interrupt him. I knew what he wanted to talk about anyway. But I felt like I wasn't ready to—not in that place, in that situation.

Those thoughts—Rodrick, the kiss, us—never left my mind the until we got home. Well, I did get a little bit of sleep during that long trip. My brain probably wanted a break from overthinking all night. Even then, I found myself slumped on the top of my bed as soon as I got to my room.

Yeah. I was that tired from the entire trip, plus from thinking about everything that happened.

That entire vacation felt something like this: Rodrick and I were both in an empty room on the first day, standing the farthest from each other, until we realized we were both there. As the days passed by, more and more people filled up the room from both sides, pushing both of us towards each other, until it got too crowded and the next thing we knew, we were already standing face to face.

I woke up to the sound of my mom calling me. "April, get ready, we're going out for dinner tonight!"

I got up, saw my bag and suitcase on the floor, still closed and untouched. I decided to unpack after getting back home from dinner.

"School starts next week, right April?" mom asked me casually while we ate at a restaurant in the mall.

"No. The week after that," I said.

"Well, you better get a lot of rest then."

"I definitely will."

We strolled around the mall for a while, and then we went back home. By then, I was actually looking forward to going back to sleep already, until I realized I still had to unpack. So that's exactly what I did.

As I opened my suitcase, the first thing that came to view was Rodrick's scarf. Apparently, I never got to return it while we were still at the winter lodges.

I took it and felt the warm cloth against my hands.

I wanted to escape from Rodrick's presence because I needed to figure things out. Instead, I ended up spending more time with him, and even enjoying all those moments. And then there was that kiss…

I sighed and put the scarf on my bed as I continued unpacking. I left it near the edge of my bed, just like last time. So I wouldn't forget to return it to him in case we saw each other again.

And I knew that was bound to happen soon.

The next day, my parents left the house early because they had to go to back to work after that week-long vacation. On the other hand, I got the house to myself for the entire day.

I was pretty productive that day because I was trying to get my mind off of some things. I cleaned my room the entire morning. When I finished, took a bath and then continued reading my book.

Eventually, I got bored. And it was just half past noon by that time. I sent a message to Claire and asked if she was free to hang out or something. Unfortunately, she was still on vacation with her family. The same went with my other friends.

Well, I could ask Rodrick if he's free, I thought.

But I immediately shut that thought down. We haven't even talked nor messaged each other since we left the winter resort. Besides, it might still be awkward for both of us.

I turned on my laptop and decided to watch a movie instead.

A few minutes later, I received a text message. From Rodrick.

Rodrick: hey

Me: Hey

Rodrick: are you home?

Me: Yeah

Rodrick: have you had lunch yet?

My stomach grumbled. I realized I haven't eaten lunch yet, and it was already past 2pm.

Me: Not yet. Why?

Rodrick: can we have lunch together?

I didn't reply. I didn't know what to reply.

Rodrick: if it's okay with you

I sighed. Here goes, I thought.

Me: Sure.

Rodrick: cool

Rodrick: i'll pick you up in 10 minutes

Pick me up? In ten minutes?! Going where?! I was wearing an old sweater (with three holes in it) and sweatpants at the time. I went straight to my closet and looked for something pretty decent to wear.

I was barely finished making myself look like a human being when the doorbell rang.

"Just a minute!" I yelled.

The doorbell rang again as I raced down the stairs, now wearing a long-sleeved shirt, a thick cardigan I recently bought, a pair of jeans, and a good pair of winter boots. I brought a tiny messenger bag. I had my gloves and beanie with me as well. And, of course, I wore the necklace he gave me.

I opened the door and right outside stood Rodrick.

"Hey," he said, sounding a bit nervous. Despite that, he showed a tiny smile anyway.

I gulped, but smiled back. "Hey."

"Are you ready to go?" he asked, pointing backwards with his thumb. Behind him, parked in front of our house, was his van.

"Uh... Yeah, yeah." I stepped out and closed the door behind me, making sure it was locked.

We hopped in the van, and Rodrick started the engine.

The next few moments were torture. The sound of the engine was all we could hear. Other than that, we were quiet, not even talking to each other. Rather, we were both hesitating to. He drove, while I just stared out the window.

Then finally, Rodrick cleared his throat. "Where do you want to eat?"

I shrugged. "I'm okay anywhere... I don't really have any craving right now."

"You sure?" he asked.

I looked at him. He just glanced for a second then focused on the road again.

I nodded. "Yeah. You decide."

"If you say so."

After that, there was another stretch of awkward silence. Longer this time. The background noises seemed louder—deafening even. Eventually, Rodrick turned on the radio for some music.

It was like that for a while. Still, it bothered me that we weren't talking. You know that feeling when you go on a field trip and the teacher assigns you to sit beside a classmate you barely know, and you have to bear it for hours? It was like that. But Rodrick and I weren't supposed to be like that. We were already far from that phase.

It felt so uncomfortable I couldn't take it.

"So, uh... How was your visit to your grandpa yesterday?" I asked him.

He glanced again, as if he was surprised that I started the conversation. Then he looked straight ahead, lowered the volume of the music, and replied, "It was okay. You know, the usual. We ate, did some catching up—mostly just our parents and gramps, while Greg and I watched the live CCTV footage of his building."

"You watched the what?" I wasn't sure if I heard it correctly.

"Live CCTV footage," he repeated.

I held back laughter. "Why on earth were you watching live CCTV footage?"

Rodrick noticed the tiny smile I tried to hide, and he gave one too. "Haven't I told you? Gramps doesn't like watching TV. He watches the CCTV footage because it's 'real life'."

I couldn't help but laugh then. "Oh, the things old people do."

He shook his head, a small grin spreading on his face. "I know, right?"

He looked at me again. I smiled, but turned away almost immediately before I ended up blushing in front of him. But I couldn't help steal glances too when he wasn't looking.

"How about you? Anything special you all did yesterday?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Not much. We just went out for dinner, that's all."

"Oh…" he paused, thinking twice if he should continue. He did so anyway. "Boring," he sang in an annoying tune.

I shook my head, repressing a smile. "Not as boring as watching the CCTV though," I rebutted.

We looked at each other, and then laughed.

That lightened the mood a bit. After all the awkward, silent moments, it was just what we needed.

A few minutes later, I felt my stomach grumble. "So where are we eating?" I asked as casually as I could.

"We're almost there."

I looked out the window as a familiar place came into view. It was the diner. The one we ate at after the dance.

Rodrick parked on one of the spots just outside the place.

"We're eating here?" I clarified. Of all places, Rodrick really had to choose this one.

He was in the middle of unbuckling his seatbelt. "Yeah. I'm kind of in the mood for a good burger." He stopped and looked at me. "Unless, you don't want to eat here. We could just go somewhere else."

I stared at the restaurant for a second. Memories of that night played in my head. Snap out of it, April.

"Nah. Here is okay." I forced a smile, and unbuckled my seatbelt as well.

We both went inside and picked a good seat. Rodrick ordered the grilled cheeseburger he's been craving, while I ordered the club sandwich set.

He clapped his hands together after giving the menu back to the waitress. Then he looked at me and gave a smile.

"So... school starts in, like, two weeks," he said. I just nodded. "Are you excited?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Who gets excited for school?"

"I thought you would, because you're such a school freak."

I rolled my eyes. "Ha ha. Very funny, Heffley."

He shrugged. "I mean, I'd be excited—"

I interrupted with a sarcastic laugh. "Wow, you?"

He ignored my side comment. "I'd be excited if we get the same schedule."

That probably made me blush a little, but I tried to hide it of course. "Psh. What—aren't you tired of me yet?"

"Not when I can copy your homework." He winked.

"As if! What makes you think you can copy my homework?"

He smirked. "Of course I'll find a way."

"Whatever." I knew he was kidding.

Then he looked down for a moment, stared at the table. The silence came back. And I thought it was going to be like that for a while again. And then he cleared his throat.

He looked at me again. His expression changed. "So… April, about that—"

"You really like this place, don't you?" I cut him off, intentionally, pretending not to hear what he said. With his tone and the look on his face, I had a hunch he was going to talk about what happened to us after the New Year fireworks. I wasn't ready for that yet.

He paused, still looking at me. He then sighed and gave a little nod. Then he looked away and started scanning the diner. "Well... yeah. They serve the best burgers here."

I nodded. The waitress came and served our food.

"And it's also a memorable place, you know?" he added. "Our family ate here a lot when when I was still a kid."

"Oh really?" I said, then I started eating one of the sandwiches on my plate.

"Yeah." He stared at the ceiling as if his memories were listed up there. "I even had my 7th birthday party here."

I nodded again, listening as I was busy with my food.

"And then there was that time we ate here," he said casually, and then took a big bite of his burger.

I looked up at him. He was totally savoring the burger. Then he glanced at me and gave a thumbs up. Meanwhile, I couldn't muster any words so I just swallowed the food in my mouth.

"By the way," he started, his mouth half-full as usual, "Why haven't you eaten lunch yet?"

"I kind of lost track of time today. I didn't notice that it was way past lunch time." I gave a nervous laugh.

"Ha." He smirked again. "Good thing I asked you, huh? I knew I had brain powers."

I shook my head. "Why haven't you eaten lunch?"

"Woke up late," he replied quickly before he took another big bite.

I hid a laugh. "Of course."

We didn't talk a lot while we were eating, since both of us were hungry. In less than an hour, we were already done. Rodrick called the waitress so we could pay for the bill.

"I'll pay for it this time," I said.

The waitress came, gave the bill to Rodrick, and left to attend to another customer. "What? No, I got this," he told me.

"But you paid last time we were here. It's my turn." I held out my palm, waiting for him to give it to me.

He only shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You only ordered a milkshake last time. It's unfair if you pay something more expensive now."

I sighed and snatched the bill from him.

"Hey!" He immediately tried to take it back.

I pulled it closer to me. "Stop. Let's just split it in half. Problem solved."

"Fine, if that's what you want," he mumbled under his breath.

I took money out of my wallet and put it on the small tray, and then I pushed it across the table, back to Rodrick. "There," I said. He added the other half and gave it back to the waitress.

"Thank you, ma'am and sir," the waitress said kindly. Both of us just smiled back.

"Ready to go?" Rodrick asked me.

"Yeah, sure." I said.

We walked to the door. Just then, a lady was entering. She looked up, noticing the two of us there, waiting for her to get in. It was the waitress who served us the last time we ate here.

"Oh, it's you two again," she said with the same lazy tone as last time. "The lovebirds."

As if both of us panicked, Rodrick and I looked at each other, and then back at the lady. Immediately, I denied it like we always did.

"Oh, we're not…" I shook my head, and glanced at Rodrick again. He was just watching me, a serious expression on his face. He looked away after a second. "I-It's nothing like that," I told the lady.

"Whatever," she said, shooing us away with her hand.

Rodrick and I then went back to the van. I tried to forget about what that lady just said. "Are we going home already?" I asked Rodrick while we buckled our seat belts.

He shrugged. "We can, if you want."

"Okay," I replied half-heartedly. I didn't really want to go home yet. There was nothing to do back there.

Rodrick started the engine and made his way back to the road. "Or… maybe we could go for a walk first or something," he suggested, looking straight ahead as he drove.

"Sure. That's okay, too," I said plainly. I didn't want to sound too excited about it.

Taking that as a yes, Rodrick drove to the park. On the way there, we just listened to the music on the radio. It was a pretty smooth ride. I gotta say, Rodrick's driving had improved a lot. It no longer felt like I was seated on a rollercoaster that had 3 loops in a row. I could now look out the window and take in the beauty of the surroundings. There was no need to hold on and pray I don't die.

Soon, we arrived at the park. It was freezing. But still, a few people were also strolling around like the two of us. Some were just seated on the bench. There were some children running after each other, with their parents walking right behind them. Some were at the playground. The place seemed happy and bright despite the cold weather.

"Winter or summer?" I glanced at Rodrick, who was walking just a few steps behind me.

He looked up from the ground. "Hmm… Summer. Definitely summer."

"Why?" I asked.

He caught up and walked beside me. "Because there's no school, duh."

I shook my head but couldn't resist a laugh. "When you start working, you won't have summer vacations anymore."

"Who cares about that? It's a long time from now."

"I'm just saying—"

"How about you?" he interrupted. "Winter or summer?"

I stared at the snowy path we walked on. "Spring," I said with a smile.

"What the heck, that's not even in the choices!"

"Who cares?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Why spring?"

"I don't know." I shrugged. "Winter's too cold, summer's too hot. The weather's great during spring. The surroundings are refreshing. Flowers bloom again. There's rebirth. New beginnings."

"Wow, that suddenly went deep."

"Whatever."

"How about fall?" he asked. "Don't you like fall? I mean, the weather's just right during fall too."

"Fall's okay. I like the color of the leaves during that time."

"But…?" He knew I just had something to add.

"But soon the trees become empty because of all those dried leaves. It's kinda sad, don't you think?"

"That's one way to look at it," he said. "It could also be that the trees are preparing for change or something. Right?"

I smiled. "Wow, that suddenly went deep," I said, exactly the way he said it to me earlier.

He smirked. "I know, I'm amazing."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, if you say so."

We continued strolling along, until we came upon a familiar site.

"Hey, remember that?" Rodrick pointed at it and then gave a laugh.

It was the fountain. We both walked closer to it. There was no water, probably because it would have ended up frozen anyway. I smiled, remembering the fond memory we had right there. "How could I forget? I was drenched in ice-cold water!"

"Well if you hadn't pulled both of us in, we wouldn't have been soaking wet that time."

I crossed my arms, and glared at him. "Hey, I didn't pull us in! We tripped by accident because of someone's crazy idea to splash water on someone."

He snickered and then looked at me. "Right. That someone is sorry about that."

"Well, good!" I laughed, and then stared at the fountain again. "But it's okay. It's been forever, and we both had fun anyway. We even got caught and chased by the guard, for goodness' sake."

"And then we ran this way!" Rodrick suddenly grabbed my hand and sprinted, pulling me along with him.

"Woah—Rodrick!" I almost screamed out of surprise. I wasn't a good runner, so I was bound to get tired soon. Even so, I found myself laughing as we dashed through the park.

The cold air wind blew on our faces. Rodrick looked back at me a few times, enjoyment evident on the big smile on his face. I held tight onto his hand because I didn't want to get left behind.

A few moments later, we slowed down and then paused. Out of breath, we sat on the nearby bench to rest.

Bent forward, all we could hear were the two of us breathing heavily. I hadn't fully recovered yet when Rodrick glanced at me, still with that smile on his face.

"Why did you suddenly run off like that?!" I said, hitting his shoulder playfully. He only laughed while trying to dodge it. Then I stopped to catch my breath again.

He leaned back and tried to relax. Meanwhile, I breathed in and out for a few more moments, and then I leaned back too. But then I didn't notice that Rodrick's arm was hanging on the backrest of the bench. Naturally, it touched my upper back. Only noticing it, we both looked at each other. Then we snapped out of it—in the most awkward way. I sat upright and leaned forward a bit. Rodrick, on the other hand, was unsure of how to position his arms. He crossed them, then was about to just place his hands on his lap, but eventually he just slipped them in his coat pockets.

We both avoided each other's gaze, and just stared at either the ground or the trees across us.

Rodrick cleared his throat. "You gotta admit, though. It was fun."

"What was fun?" I asked.

"That quick sprint." He glanced at me.

"How is that fun?!"

He shrugged. "It just was. Is there even an explanation? I saw you laughing."

I was staring at the ground. Out of the blue, I just found myself smiling in agreement. Then I looked at him. "Whatever, Heffley." I sighed and got up. "Let's go."

"Where are we going?" he asked as he stood up from the bench.

I shrugged. "Maybe we can start walking back to the van? Walking, okay? Not running."

"Already?" He sounded like he was about to complain, even though we started walking already.

"It's still a pretty long way back there."

"Fine."

That was one of the most peaceful and relaxing walks I've ever had. When you're too busy dealing with other stuff life throws at you, it's moments like this that you appreciate even more.

A few times, one of us either noticed or remembered something then we chatted about it for a while. But for the most part it was quiet. It was just us taking in the surroundings. Just us. I didn't even realize it, but the closer we got to the exit, the more the gap between us disappeared. Our arms slightly brushed against each other, and our fingers slightly touched. I tried to pay no attention to it. So what if there was that slight contact? I tried not to steal glances at Rodrick, although I caught him doing so a few times. He had been doing that a lot lately. I tried to deny the fact that my heartbeat was getting faster.

Soon we were back in the van. Rodrick didn't talk much. He just silently turned on the engine and drove. It got too quiet so I just took the initiative to turn on the radio for some music.

And behold, a love song was playing. I changed the station. Another love song. I changed it again. Still, a love song was playing. I didn't bother switching the station anymore. But ugh, all the songs that played were romantic! Oh gosh.

Soon we arrived in front of my house (thank goodness). Rodrick turned off the radio. He seemed to have felt awkward about it too.

"Heh. We're here," I said.

"Yeah." He glanced, a tiny smile showing.

I sat there silently for a few more seconds before deciding that it was really time to go.

"Well, thanks. For lunch, for that walk, for the ride." I looked at him and smiled. He didn't respond. "Okay. I think I'll go—"

"Wait." Rodrick held my hand before I was even about to open the door. "We need to talk."

"Talk? Talk about what?"

He put his hand on the steering wheel again, tapped it with his fingers a few times. "The reason… I wanted to meet you today is because of… " He looked at me.

"Yeah?" I gulped, forcing myself to look at him straight in the eye.

"Because of what happened at New Year."

Boom, there it was. We both knew this was coming. "W-What's there to talk about?"

"I was gonna apologize." He was nervous too, but he was trying to hide it.

"Apologize?" I wasn't sure if I heard it right. Why did he feel like he had to apologize?

"I mean, it was… out of the blue and probably took you by surprise, so—"

"It's okay." I forced a nod. "It's done."

He shook his head. "No it's not."

Well, maybe he was apologizing because it was a mistake. Maybe he did drink that night or something. "I-I get it. You probably didn't mean anything by it or what, so—"

"No, no, no. Listen. I—"

"Wait, what time is it?" I interrupted.

He paused, and gave me a stern look. "Why the heck do you keep changing the topic?" He looked away, stared at the empty road ahead of us.

"What?"

"Whenever I keep bringing it up, you talk about something else."

I gulped. "Was I? I'm sorry. I didn't notice... But I think I really have to go. My parents might get home soon." The thing is, I was intentionally doing it. For some reason, I kept avoiding the topic. And the fact that it actually might have been some kind of mistake? All the more would I not want to talk about it.

He heaved a sigh, audible enough for me to hear. It made me think twice if I was too cruel to just walk out like that.

I started reaching out to open the door anyway.

"It meant something," he said, emphasizing every word. "That kiss meant something."

I froze and looked at him.

He gulped, and looked at me too. "You know it does." It was that familiar gaze once again, the one after the dance, at new year. "And I don't go kissing around just anyone. So it means something. I know you know that."

For a moment, he just looked into my eyes. Maybe he was trying to see through me.

I pulled my hand back and sat there, as I tried to scramble for the right words to say. But I was speechless. My heart just kept beating faster and faster every second.

Rodrick took a deep breath. "I've been asking myself a lot of questions lately. Why… Why is it that I always want to spend time with you? Why do I even get excited when I get a freaking message from you? Why do I feel uneasy when you push yourself too hard? A-and why is it that whenever I see you, I just feel so… happy? And your smile, it's… why the heck is it so pretty and distracting as hell?"

Am I really hearing all these right now? From Rodrick? I wanted to pinch myself to check if this was reality.

He shifted his gaze to the steering wheel, started talking, as if he was just thinking out loud. "I thought it was just nothing. You know I don't think too much about stuff, so I thought it was even stupid of me to think of those. But I couldn't. freaking. get them out of my head. I couldn't stop thinking of…" He looked at me, looked straight into my eyes.

"Then it hit me." He gulped, and squeezed his eyes shut for a second. "Shit. I think I like her… " He opened them again and heaved a sigh. He then faced me. There was no hint of joking on his face. It was all sincerity. Longingness. Warmth.

"I like you, April," he said.

I felt like my heart about to jump out. Still, I couldn't muster anything to say. I remained motionless on my seat, trying to absorb everything he just said.

Silence was all there was for the next few moments, yet, internally, I couldn't stay still. He was quiet too, because he was really nervous. I could tell. He was breathing heavily, he stuttered a lot, and he was more careful with his words.

"So yeah…" He finally broke the silence. "There's that. And then, when we walked together after the fireworks, I couldn't help it anymore," he said. "That's why, I'm sorry, if it was too sudden. I mean, I didn't ask if it was okay to do that, and I didn't want to pressure you or anything…"

I gulped. I felt like my heart went on a marathon and I was running out of breath. I glanced at the road, the window, my fingers, as if I was searching for what to do next, until finally, words came out of my mouth. "Rodrick, I… when, uh… how… well, I…" Just. random. words. I closed my eyes tight for a second. Get yourself together, April!

"You don't have to answer now," he replied. I opened my eyes and glanced at him. "I just felt like I had to say these things now. I just had to." He looked at me again with that warm gaze.

We just both sat there inside his van for a few more minutes, until Rodrick stepped out and then opened the door for me. And he walked with me straight to my doorstep.

Before I opened the door, he said, "I'm… sorry, again."

"Please, Rodrick. Don't apologize," I replied. And I forced a tiny smile, even though I was still an entire anxious mess deep inside. "Th-Thanks. For today."

He nodded as he slipped his hands in his coat pockets, while I said goodbye, opened the door and went inside.

The moment I closed it, I felt like I was going to collapse. My knees buckled and I had to lean on the door for support.

I closed my eyes, breathed in and breathed out to calm myself down.

I went up to my room, and threw myself on the bed.

That entire time Rodrick was confessing, a flood of mixed emotions came over me. I felt overwhelmed. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt flattered. I felt worried. It was all jumbled up like a big mountain of mess inside me. That's why I couldn't respond to him properly.

Ugh, what's wrong with me?! Who am I kidding here?

I'm gonna be honest.

For me, well, all those moments we spent together meant something too. No, they meant a lot. For both of us. A lot of those moments made my heart pound.

That night of the dance, I realized I might have already been falling for him. Still, I did my best to avoid it, ignore it, even deny it, although, I knew, eventually, that I'd have to admit it to myself. That I'd actually have to face my feelings.

Then came that entire winter trip. And then that kiss. He was right. It wasn't just him who felt something. I felt it too. And Rodrick knew that. He tried to communicate it to me when he looked at me straight in the eyes after mentioning it.

Now that I actually heard those words from himself, I should be happy, right? Perhaps I should be giggling about the entire thing, or jumping around in my bedroom.

But something's holding me back.

Maybe I'm scared.

Scared of losing him. Scared of losing what we have right now.