The Spaces Between

This is a thread of stories and character monologues that fill the spaces between episodes from Season 3 after the episode Tsunami through the ending of the television show in Season 6. It explores the many relationships, people and places within the Xena realm. It is neither graphic violently nor sexually explicit; though it does acknowledge and respectfully explore the intimacy between characters. If you have not watched Xena, this may not be the best fit for you as it supposes knowledge of the character's journeys through many of its episodes. While it does imagine new places, it does not introduce any significant new characters and its main purpose is to imagine what happened in the moments that 22 episodes a season could not explore. If the idea or depiction of same gender relationships for some reason offends you – I make no apology but humbly suggest you read a different thread. Ares is not the love of Xena's life in this scenario. :) Disclaimer: Xena is a copyright of MCA/Universal Television and its characters do not belong to me. This is creative license with characters originally created for television. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit will be made from these stories.

These stories are copyrighted to me… feedback is welcome at bumblinbard

Chapter One - Realization

They had been traveling for many days, still not fully sure of their destination. This walk was quiet. There was a stillness between them that neither could fully understand. For many moons now they had traveled together and these last seasons had been difficult. A time that had both tested their friendship and all at once reminded them that they could never truly be separated. It was as if one gave the other the very breath to live. They had merely existed before finding one another. Now they were alive. But lately they seemed trapped in a stillness and silence that at times was unbearable.

"Let's stop here for the night," Xena chimed.

Gabrielle felt no need to respond. This was as good a place as any. Still, a piece of her dreaded the added stillness and silence of stopping. At least walking allowed her to occupy herself, busy her body in a way that could hide the endless thoughts in her mind. She nodded an agreeable smile to Xena as Xena led Argo away for safe keeping. She started her normal routine, unpacking the bed rolls, the cooking utensils and gathering wood for a fire. At least this would keep her busy.

After a few minutes the warrior returned, "I'm going to walk down to the stream and see about some fish."

"That sounds like a good idea….I'll see you in a bit," Gabrielle kept her eyes fixed on the tasks at hand.

Xena wandered slowly down the sloping hill to the stream. Fishing always calmed her. Calmed her thought, calmed her doubts. Ever since fighting the Persians her mind had been preoccupied. It was strange. It wasn't as if she and Gabrielle hadn't faced death before. They had; and worse. But, this had been different for her. Watching as Gabrielle's health began to fade and watching the young woman exhibit such strength and courage. She could not deny the changes in her traveling partner. Gabrielle was not a shy, babbling, innocent young girl any longer. She was a strong, independent, intelligent woman. The change was undeniable; unavoidable. When Xena thought that she might lose her in that place; that Gabrielle might really leave this life; a fear took hold of her that she had never known. Xena felt a compelling need to protect her; that was all that seemed to matter. She tried to push her anxiety aside, but it kept rolling through her mind like leaves on the wind. She couldn't control it. And, for a warrior, control is everything.

As her feet hit the water she began to laugh. She couldn't help but imagine Gabrielle kissing her own reflection just a few weeks ago. She had thought that Gabrielle was about to confess some feeling for her when she pulled Gabrielle from the water to shore that day; but the madness of the bard's obsession intervened. She wondered what Gabrielle would have said had she not been under Aphrodite's mischievous spell. She chuckled again, partly at the absurdity of their life together and partly because Gabrielle often entertained her; though she'd loath to admit it.

Xena again turned her attention to the fish. They would need to eat and she enjoyed the challenge of fishing. As she felt beneath the surface her thoughts turned to the ship they had recently traveled on. Another crisis; even nature would not seem to give them peace. She recalled the sight of Gabrielle running to meet her on that beach. They had beaten the odds again; together. Since then things had been quiet. A painful hush had overcome them both. Perhaps it was because there had been little adventure these last few weeks. It was unusually uneventful. There were simply no diversions. Xena shrugged as she brought the fish to shore. In spite of the tension between them she was ready to be back with Gabrielle. Even under strain, there was no place that she would rather be.

Gabrielle was busy at the camp site. She had managed to get the fire started and was sitting on a large log she'd moved to the fire's side. The embers from the flames shooting into the sky reminded her of the many funeral pyres she had already stood beside. Each one tearing at her soul, and each time Xena comforting her. It wasn't as if Xena hadn't said she loved her. It wasn't as if Gabrielle hadn't told Xena the same. She remembered the first time she nearly lost her best friend. The way Xena looked at her; quelling her speech and replacing it with what seemed to be a knowing kiss. Surely, Xena had to know how she felt after she'd traveled to Chin, even if the bard herself could not grasp it. But, professions of love were anything but complete. It was the freezing waters of reality on that ship that seemed to have brought them to this place. A shiver went up Gabrielle's spine. Even the warmth of the burning flames before her could not prevent that chill. Her thoughts immediately turned to those hours sinking beneath the sea. Wet, cold, afraid - yet determined; reaching to hold Xena's hand for strength and comfort. She could almost feel the cold sand under her feet as she searched the vast blue before her for any sign of her companion, unable to breathe for a moment. A familiar sensation of fear that she could never grow used to. Their life was constant upheaval, danger and uncertainty; and the most ironic part of all of it was that the only thing Gabrielle had ever been certain of in her life was this journey with Xena.

Gabrielle's thoughts were abruptly broken by the sound of Xena humming. It was a welcome sound, one she had not heard much recently and she smiled. "What did you catch?"

"Aw.. Just some little fishies…"

Gabrielle giggled. "Well, little is better than none," she winked. Of course the fish were never THAT little but Gabrielle knew that fishing presented just another competition for Xena, though the warrior seemed in fairly high spirits after her short expedition. Usually they talked while Gabrielle cooked. As with all things of late, that hadn't happened in days. The bard just didn't have the same presence of mind for her usual storytelling. "Why don't you go feed Argo? I'll have this done in a bit." Xena nodded in agreement, reached for one of the satchels on the ground and headed the short distance to where Argo was tied.

"I swear I don't know what to say," She sighed. Argo nudged at her hand and Xena laughed, "Yeah, I know." She was unsure how to break the tension. Lately her jokes seemed to fall flat and making banter just seemed empty. She knew they needed to talk about something – about anything. "Well, here goes nothin'," she brushed Argo's neck and headed back to the camp.

Xena could smell dinner well before she made it to the camp site. The truth was that Gabrielle was a good cook. She stopped for a moment and found herself considering what would have happened if Perdicus had lived. It was a moot point to be sure, but every now and again when she smelled a meal upon the fire or watched Gabrielle cleaning one of their many resting places, she wondered. Would that have been better for the bard? She would never dare suggest that to Gabrielle, knowing what it world spark, but at times it invaded her thoughts. After a deep breath she continued to the camp smiling as she saw her companion's face gently lit by the fire before her.

"Hungry?" The bard asked.

"I am." She sat across from her best friend graciously accepting the meal and watched as Gabrielle slowly picked at her food. "You know what I was thinking about when I was fishing?" Xena asked.

"I'm afraid to ask," a smile crept onto Gabrielle's face as her eyes met her friend's.

"You… you kissing your reflection in that lake," Xena started laughing.

Gabrielle sighed and chuckled at the same time, "Well, someone has to be obsessed with me," she laughed. It was a half-dig at her companion and Xena felt the barb but dismissed it as a welcome retort.

"What? Monkey man not good enough for you?" she raised her eyebrow.

Gabrielle looked up with a playful glare. It was a look Xena had seen many times these last few years but one that had been markedly absent since they left the sea shore those weeks ago. "Not quite what I had in mind," Gabrielle quipped.

"Ha," Xena laughed; relieved and grateful for a bit of chatter and levity.

"I'm tired." Gabrielle put the frying pan aside. "I think I will do this in the morning" She set it down and headed toward the bed roll, placing a hand on Xena's shoulder, "Good night".

Xena stared into the fire for a long while. She knew full well that Gabrielle was awake. She waited. Finally she gave in and laid down on the bed roll beside her best friend.

"Gabrielle," no response. "Gabrielle, I know you are wake…"

"Yes." The truth was she hadn't slept much lately. She pulled herself up to rest on her elbow, "What is it?"

"I feel like there is something I should say," Xena began. Gabrielle looked puzzled. Her bewilderment turned in an instant to concern. At times Xena could surprise her and she sensed in Xena that something was bothering her.

"What?... What is it?"

"You haven't been talking much lately…. I mean we haven't been…"

"I know."

"Did I do something to upset you?"

"No." Gabrielle said firmly. "No," and now she chuckled, "not at all."

"Well, since we left that beach…"

Gabrielle interrupted, "I know….. I don't know. I guess, maybe I just don't know what to say. I mean, Xena, we're always fighting. If we're not fighting some warlord or saving some village from a giant, we're fighting with nature, or Gods…"

Now it was Xena's turn to jump in, "I know…"

"It's just I never really get to think," Gabrielle continued. "Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me," she chuckled. "Even when I write, I write about our adventures, where we go, who we meet, but I don't have time to just sit with all of those thoughts; what all of those things mean."

It remained silent for a minute. "What have you been thinking about?" Xena's fears overtook her. The truth was that she feared Gabrielle leaving more that she had ever feared anything in her life. It was unfamiliar territory for her; still. The thought of losing Gabrielle conjured images of Lyceus. He had been her best friend, not only her brother – her confidante'. Losing him was a pain she could not describe; but losing Gabrielle – even the thought of it aroused a sorrow Xena could not comprehend. Perhaps Gabrielle had reached her end with all of this chaos. Who could blame her?

Gabrielle, for her part was unsure how to answer. She wasn't entirely sure whatshe hadbeen thinking. All she knew was that she loved Xena, perhaps more than she should. She didn't know what that meant. She didn't know how to explain it. She just knew she didn't ever want to lose Xena to anything or to anyone.

"Gabrielle, tell me," the warrior hesitated, "If this life is too much for you… you've grown tired,"

Gabrielle looked at Xena inquisitive and yet annoyed, "What are you talking about?"

"Look, these past seasons..."

"Have been awful."

"Yes. They have been. And you, you deserve to be happy….."

Gabrielle stopped the statement immediately," Who said I'm not happy? I just said I have had time to think."

Silence crept back in. Gabrielle pulled herself up to sit. "Xena." She stopped herself. After a long pause and a deep breath she continued, "When I went to Chin…"

Gabrielle barely got the words to begin to fall from her lips when Xena stopped her, "Gabrielle, we've been through this. It's over. There is nothing to forgive."

"Why do you do that?" Gabrielle turned to face her friend who was still lying on her back gazing upward?

"What?"

"Not let me finish? Assume you know what I am going to say?" Xena was stunned at Gabrielle's obvious annoyance.

"I'm sorry"

"You know why I went to Chin."

"Yes….."

"I was jealous…"

"Gabrielle, you know you are my family..."

"Ugh… Xena. Can't you just be quiet for two minutes and let me finish a thought?" It was an odd statement since generally Gabrielle was the talker, but Xena knew she was right. Xena struggled with these types of conversations. It was her preference to offer reassurance and end the subject. In most cases Gabrielle would comply. This was clearly not one of those times.

"I'm sorry… go on…"

"I don't even KNOW what I am thinking. What am I supposed to say? Here we are on this road, on any road, every day I worry about you. Every time you leave – even for an hour… I worry about who might find you – what might happen. If you are gone a moment too long…."

Xena cut her off, "Gabrielle, we've been through this before… I can take care of myself. I always come back, don't I?"

Gabrielle shook her head and rose to her feet. "You just don't get it, do you Xena?" Xena assumed the sitting position, completely astounded and unsure of what was happening.

"You think I just worry about warlords? I know you can handle a sword, Xena, really…"

Xena stared blankly at Gabrielle's face which was lit softly by the glowing embers of the dying fire behind her. Gabrielle was beautiful. Beautiful when she was angry and that fire twinkled in her eyes. Every time Xena saw that fire she was left breathless. She stilled herself. She did not want Gabrielle to know what she was thinking. She didn't want to admit it to herself. She had known for years. Known the day she pulled Gabrielle up onto Argo. Every time she looked at Gabrielle she was aware. This was the love of her life. The only real love she had ever known and the only untouchable. This was part of her sentence; to love a person so completely without ever knowing their warmth.

"What are you talking about?" Xena asked. "What are you frightened of?"

Gabrielle could not face Xena. Her mind was racing as fast as her emotions; flooded suddenly with the images of Xena's many conquests; not her conquests on the battlefield; the conquests of the heart. She turned to face the fire. The air was thick, it hung heavy above them both.

"All those times you have said you will never leave me…" Gabrielle began

"I would never leave you…" Xena answered, "Don't you believe that?"

Gabrielle closed her eyes and let go a long sigh. "I know that, you will always be here for me. I know."

"Okay?" Xena questioned.

"Look, I know that I am not anything compared to Marcus or Ares, Ulysses, Lao Ma…"

Xena could not move. What was Gabrielle saying? Why would she compare herself to anyone else in Xena's life? She felt as though she were being pressed by heavy stones. Gabrielle was still facing the dwindling fire. Xena shook her head, "no, Gabrielle you're NOT anything compared to them," she exhaled, "You are everything to me. Don't you know that by now?" A tear slowly drifted down the warrior's cheek.

Gabrielle turned and looked at her; the tear leaving its streak on her friend's face . Compassion overtook her. She nearly forgot everything she had said to the warrior simply at the sight of the tear on Xena's cheek. It only took a few steps before she knelt next to this woman she had come to call her best friend. She wiped the tears as they continued to fall slowly and silently, "Xena…"

Xena could not lift her eyes. She felt the gentleness of her friend's touch on her cheek, its warmth, but she could not speak.

"Xena," Gabrielle lifted her face. "I don't understand. Why are you crying?"

Xena looked into Gabrielle's green eyes as she had so many times before. Somehow this was different. She was not in control of this moment. The realization that Gabrielle had ever thought she could be less was unbearable. "Why would you ever compare yourself to anyone?" the tears still trickling down her cheek.

Gabrielle sat down next to her and put her hands in her lap. She didn't even think about the words as they began to pass from her lips. "All these years… all this time you have laid beside me. We've faced death together and you have held me through the longest nights…but you have never wanted to be with me." Now a tear graced the cheek of the bard.

Xena could hardly believe what she was hearing. She had never even entertained the idea that Gabrielle would want her as anything but a best friend. She understood their connection intrinsically, but always believed Gabrielle was searching for her mate. Another silent pause as Xena considered the implications. "Gabrielle." Gabrielle sat staring at the bed roll, embarrassed and insecure. "Would you please look at me?"

"I can't," She replied so softly she could barely hear her own response.

"Why not?"

"It's okay Xena. Just forget about it. I don't even know what I am saying."

"Gabrielle, you always know what you are saying." Xena paused and looked skyward as if seeking an answer from above. "You think I don't want to be with you?"

The bard could not answer. She was suddenly afraid - and unsure what she was more afraid of; that Xena would reject her or that she wouldn't. It was as if every sound could be heard around them, the breeze in the grass, the stream down the hill, the fire crackling; all begging to be broken by words. This was unavoidable. Neither knew where this conversation would lead, both afraid and knowing that no matter what everything would change.

Xena allowed the silence for what seemed like hours but truly had only been a few moments. Her hand now reached for Gabrielle, gently compelling her face upward. Gabrielle did her best to avoid the gaze of the warrior's steel blue eyes; eyes that could pierce her soul; but Xena was persistent. "Gabrielle," their eyes met as the strong hand of the warrior cradled the young face of the bard, "there isn't a day, not a moment that I don't want to be with you," her own admission summoned a wave of fear. She'd said it. She felt a tear flow again. She felt naked. More exposed than she had ever been with any lover. Gabrielle's eyes were so tender. She looked at Xena with such amazement but she did not answer the warrior. "Gabrielle...I don't ever want to hurt you. Not intentionally, not unintentionally…"

Gabrielle did not avert her gaze. She seemed to allow the hint of a smile but her voice was firm. "You cannot protect me from everything, Xena. You can't. We both know that."

Xena could not look away. The fire was almost completely out; just flickering ash rising and crackling. It was the moonlight now that seemed to reflect off Gabrielle's face. She remained fixed on her companion, searching her eyes, struggling to tame the beat of her heart. This was not lust. It was not passion. She loved Gabrielle. She was in love with her and she could not deny that any longer, not to herself and not to the bard. "I want you to have everything, Gabrielle….. A good life."

Gabrielle took a deep breath, closed her eyes as if to gather her strength, and as she opened them to speak she reached for Xena's face, gently caressing it. "I have everything. A good life."

Xena was paralyzed as Gabrielle leaned forward, softly smiling and placed her lips upon the warrior's. They had been there before, but this was a lover's kiss. Part of the warrior wanted to pull away; run away, but she felt her lips part and search for Gabrielle's. It was the softest kiss Xena had ever known. It was exactly as she had imagined it might be when she allowed herself that luxury. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't stop this. It was the most frightening and the most exhilarating feeling she could recall. No battle, no lover, no journey had ever made her feel this way and it terrified her.

The kiss lasted a few minutes before Xena pulled back with a sigh.

"What's wrong?" Gabrielle calmly urged.

Xena could not believe that her tears were falling again. Gabrielle would surely think her an idiot. 'Some warrior,' she thought to herself.

"Xena," Gabrielle looked at her, "it's all right. I understand." Gabrielle had reached the conclusion that Xena did not truly want her as a lover. She was devastated, but unwilling to see the love of her life in pain. "Let's just go to sleep, okay? We don't have to talk about this anymore."

Xena sat dazed as Gabrielle rolled to her side, fighting back a well of tears as best she could, but the quivering of her body gave her away. She felt a strong hand on her back reaching over her as it had so many times before. The strength of Xena's embrace only increased the flow of her tears. "Gabrielle, I love you."

"I know." She was in a ball attempting to control her emotion. It surprised her when she felt the hands around her pull her closer.

"No. Gabrielle. I am in love with you," her voice broke, "I can't believe you don't know that."

Gabrielle took a deep breath. What did that mean? The strong hands and arms pulled her over. She was instantly met with Xena's longing stare.

"I …." Gabrielle began

"You don't want me?" Xena asked.

"No," Gabrielle sighed through her tears, "I do."

The denials were at an end. Xena softly kissed her, stroked her hair and held her close. She could not say a word to the bard. She just searched her green eyes for the permission to continue and kissed her again. Xena trembled. She'd had many lovers but Gabrielle felt like her first. She sensed, not apprehension in the bard, but rather her self-consciousness.

"Xena, I don't know… I haven't been..." the bard whispered, a tear caressing her cheek.

Xena's fingers pressed to the bards lips in a gentle motion to hush. Gabrielle remembered that first kiss when she thought she'd lost Xena forever. It was Xena's way of reassuring her that her fears were understood and that she was safe. This kiss was the same, yet completely different. Gabrielle felt her new lover's tongue brush against her own. She felt her hand drift along the warrior's back, still clad in leather. Xena kissed her neck and her shoulder and looked again into Gabrielle's eyes to be certain that she was still all right; that she felt safe. Always a need to protect her, even from the warrior herself.

Gently Xena reached for the laces on Gabrielle's top, mesmerized by the love of her life's eyes. Her hands were strong, but there was a tenderness in her touch. It was softer than Gabrielle could have imagined. Small kisses fell about the bard's neck slowly traveling to her chest. Gabrielle could not help but gasp. This was too much to feel. She closed her eyes and let herself go.

"You are so beautiful," Xena whispered. It was not the type of pillow talk the warrior was used to but it was how she felt. "I want you to know how much I want you."

Gabrielle's eyes flung open partly from desire and partly from fear. No one had ever spoken to her like that. "Don't ever doubt what you are in my life," the warrior assured as she kissed her bard, her friend, now her lover. Slipping her slowly back onto the furs beneath them she began to make love to her companion. The warrior part of her just wanted to devour this creature; but this was her Gabrielle. The most innocent and pure thing in her life. There was a compassion that took hold of her now. Few had ever seen this side of Xena. Only Gabrielle could command it in this way.

The sensations of the warrior's hands and lips about her body were foreign to Gabrielle. She saw flashes in her mind, flashes of the past, flashes of colors, even what she thought might be their future. She grabbed the bed rolls and tried to control herself as she felt Xena's hand slip beneath her waist.

"Xena?" She whispered, almost as if she were asking if Xena was sure.

Xena just smiled and continued gently caressing her and raised her head to quell any doubts with a kiss. When she pulled away Gabrielle felt a warm and soft sensation on her breasts. It was gentle but firm and her body began to move in time with her lover's. Again Xena smiled, this time with satisfaction as she made the journey to enter her innocent new lover slowly. Gabrielle lost her breath. She had only ever been with Perdicus and that had been clumsy at best. She had loved him, but never as she loved Xena. In truth Xena had always been in her thoughts, every moment a distant echo and a constant presence; she just didn't understand what that meant until recently. Within moments Gabrielle found herself at the brink. She felt as if she were being pulled under by tremendous waves, rocked and shifted, up and down, unable to take a full breath… suddenly she felt Xena's kiss… her tongue searching intertwining… until the waves pounded so hard that she was brought back to the surface. Slipping quietly into her best friend's embrace; her partner in all things now.

They laid together in silence now, a peaceful silence had replaced the tension of hours past. Even the battling bard could not find adequate words, not even 'I love you' seemed it would suffice. It was as if both had discovered a place that neither knew existed. There was completion, connection. The warrior's hands continued to stroke the bard's long hair, watching her drift away into the land of Morpheus. "By the Gods," Xena whispered believing her lover asleep, "I love you more than life itself."

Gabrielle shifted and rolled to face her champion. She hadn't been able to speak, hadn't known what to say. She felt anxious about the reality of making love to Xena. Every fiber of her was consumed thinking of nothing else, but afraid that she would disappoint this woman she so admired. Disappointing Xena was one of Gabrielle's greatest fears in life. That her companion would not view her as an equal but as a child, or worse, a follower. "Xena…"

"Yes?" the warrior's face was soft and comforting.

"I didn't," the bard's confidence of speech fumbled, "disappoint you," she mumbled.

"Disappoint me? Gabrielle, you could never disappoint me."

Gabrielle smiled. She knew that Xena was sincere, she could see it in her eyes. "I want to…" but she couldn't make the words come. She hated to admit she was a bit embarrassed, unsure what Xena was thinking about the experience. She couldn't stop shaking inside. Xena's arms provided a feeling of strength and confidence that surrounded her, but she wondered how she could ever satisfy the beautiful woman next to her, 'How can I possibly make her feel that way?' she asked herself.

The warrior beside her was all too aware of what thoughts might be traveling through the young mind of her love. "Gabrielle, hush now. We have all the time in the world….. I know," she stopped to dry Gabrielle's tears. "No tears now. I can't stand to see you cry."

Gabrielle could scarcely believe the love in Xena's eyes. She had seen it every day but now she seemed to drown in it. For years every true emotion was conveyed in a glance and now she had words, she had the warrior's touch and it overwhelmed her.

"In time," Xena whispered, "sleep now. We both know there will be no waking you in the morning if you don't." At that Gabrielle giggled and kissed her lover.

"I love you, Xena," she whispered in her ear.

"I know." Xena chimed back playfully. A feeling of comfort overtook them both.