Fear and Shame

Summary: When Sam tries to cover up what Dean suspects is a serious medical condition Dean starts to snoop and finds out more than he can handle. Set in Season 1. #5 in the Bicycle Verse.

A/N: I've been itching to get back to the Bicycle Verse for a while. You guys know what it's like here, poor Sam can't catch a break. So for those who have been craving some sick, tormented Sam, enjoy! And for those who like over protective, caring big brother Dean, enjoy too!

Also, if you want to catch up on the other stories in the Bicycle Verse you can read #1 Like Riding A Bicycle, #2 Sickbed Confessions, #3 You Watch My Back, I Watch Yours and #4 What Never Will Be. All these stories are set in Season 1 when the boys have just reunited after Sam's sojourn at Stanford.

A/N: Let's journey back in time to Season 1.

ONE

Intuition

Dean was used to Sam's nightmares; so he knew instinctively that this wasn't one. This was different. Moreover, on a scale of one to ten this was a million times worst.

On countless prior occasions Dean had been awakened by Sam's loud cries and thrashing as his brother fought for release from the grips of a bad dream. He'd seen Sam wrestle in the darkness, kicking the air and tossing as he struggled against imaginary tormentors. So when the sound of Sam's deep, frantic gasping pulled Dean out of his own slumber, he assumed that sleep had taken his brother on an unpleasant journey yet again. And although he woke up slightly disoriented, the sound of Sam heaving heavily had Dean on his feet almost instantly. In a few quick moves he was at Sam's side, switching on the night lamp as he sat on the edge of his brother's bed.

Throughout their childhood and even into adolescence, Sam had been plagued by awful night terrors. Over the years, Dean had rescued his little brother from the clutch of many cruel dreams. When Sam had been younger he was usually extremely clingy when he woke up from a nightmare. In those days, Dean usually ended up holding him until he went back to sleep, and staying with him in case he woke up again.

Knowing how frightening dreams could terrify Sam, Dean had hoped that his little brother's sleeping patterns would normalize as he got older. Unfortunately, Sam's troubles with bad dreams continued into his teen years. During that phase, Sam would pretend there was no lingering fear when Dean woke him up, but his eyes usually said something different. So Dean took to sitting with Sam and talking to him until he went back to sleep. And although Sam's teenaged pride wouldn't allow him to cuddle, for Dean it was a telling sign that his little brother always fell asleep with his hand resting on Dean's arm or his chest.

Then came the unhappy period, before Sam ran off to Stanford, when tension and resentment had coloured the brothers' relationship. During that time whenever Dean woke Sam up from a bad dream, his little brother would just grunt, turn away from him and pull up the covers as if the sheets could block Dean out.

Now, after being back on the road together for eight months, Dean wasn't sure what response he would get when he woke Sam up. However, when he turned on the bedside lamp, and the small fluorescent bulb cast its dull glow on Sam, Dean knew immediately he wasn't dealing with a nightmare. Sam was sitting up in bed, against the headboard, breathing frenziedly as if he thought the air in the room would run out. This wasn't a dream; Dean realized as a disconcerted chill, ran up his spine. Sam was wide awake and he was terrified.

"Sammy?" Dean could hear the slight trembling in his own voice as he tried to make a quick assessment of his little brother's condition.

The glazed look in Sam's eyes did nothing to quell Dean's mounting sense of fear. Worse yet, the flushed face, red from laboured breathing, the hair damp from sweat, and the tears filling up the corners of Sam's eyes set off every alarm in Dean's big brother surveillance system.

"Hey," Dean said, making an effort to keep his voice gentle. "What's wrong?"

Sam didn't even look at his brother. Instead he brought his hands to his chest, drawing long, deep breaths that signalled he was bordering on a full-fledged case of hyperventilation.

"Sammy?" Dean's tone was now more urgent, but he still couldn't quite get his brother's attention. "Look at me."

The instruction went unheeded, but the command seemed to have a deleterious effect. Sam started trembling, then he leaned forward and hugged his bent legs to his chest. He rested his head on his knees and held on tight, fighting desperately to steady himself.

Dean hesitated briefly wondering which Sam he was dealing with now. He knew for sure it wasn't the child who found instant comfort in his big brother's embrace. Nor was it the young teenager who still needed some form of physical contact with his big brother to truly believe he would be OK. But one thing was for sure, Dean knew he couldn't stand it if it was the prickly young adult who, even in the face of obvious distress, would turn away.

So Dean hesitated, knowing the very real possibility existed that if he reached out to Sam, his brother would brush him off and turn away. With his father's disappearance, Sam was all there was and Dean didn't want to risk being rejected by the only family he had left.

This was all still very new territory for both of them. They were getting to know one another again as adults after living apart for almost four years. On top of that, their split had been acrimonious and at times they had both felt the tension from the unresolved issues simmer near the surface. Although for the most part they had been getting along, Dean often wondered when the old resentments would resurface. And if they did, he feared they would drive them apart again.

However, the issue at hand was finding out what the hell was happening to Sam now and how he could stop it. From Dean's immediate observations Sam was in pretty bad shape and his big brother instincts just wouldn't let him comfort from a distance in the face of such obvious distress. So, risking the recoil, Dean quickly repositioned himself on the bed so he could drape a hand across his brother's back.

"Just breathe," he coaxed. "Just breathe deeply. It's alright."

Dean felt the tension in Sam's shoulders as his brother reacted to the contact. The stiffening was a blow to Dean's heart, not to mention his ego. Disappointed, he was about to pull away when suddenly he felt the weight of Sam's head as it came to rest against his chest. It didn't take a second for Dean to bring his arms up around Sam and pull him in gently.

He kept his hold loose not wanting to scare or smother Sam who was still breathing heavily and shaking hard. Sam was trembling so violently in Dean's arms that Dean was afraid his little brother's bones would shatter.

Squashing his own fears, Dean tried to coax Sam to calmness, hoping desperately that his voice would do the trick.

"Sammy listen to me," Dean used the soothing, tender tone that had talked Sam out of a thousand bad dreams throughout his childhood and adolescence.

But this time, Dean couldn't say it was only a dream because whatever was bedevilling Sam was attacking while he was wide awake. So, he resorted to another timeless utterance of comfort. "I'm right here. Everything is going to be alright."

Somewhere in the heaving and panting Dean heard it. It was said so softly that initially he was tempted to dismiss it as his imagination. But the three words set of an alarm bell in his mind and drove fear deep into the recesses of his heart.

"It's happening again," Sam had whispered, his voice trembling as he struggled to catch his breath.

Instantly, Dean knew his instincts had been right. Something was definitely wrong with his brother, but what? He swallowed down the query, knowing the most important thing now was getting Sam to calm down.

The questioning would have to come later; now, Dean had to stop his brother from giving himself a heart attack.

TO BE CONTINUED