We're Not Friends

Walking up the flight of stairs, I feel like I just kept on sinking in a muddy pool, the emotions weighing heavier by each step. Reaching my room's threshold, I felt a familiar presence, faint as it may be. In a way, it made me feel lighter than earlier. I opened the door and the moment I went in, I was greeted by a cool and calming voice.

"How was your day?" Without even looking, I know who it is and as always, he's right on time. I glanced at him. He was sitting on the window sill, gazing at the night sky, the cool breeze blowing on his jet-black hair, the moonlight illuminating his features.

I didn't answer but just sighed as I walked towards the bed and lied down after taking off my shoes.

"I'm guessing it wasn't good." He said and I barely heard his feet land on the floor as he got down and walked closer to me. He sat next to my lying form. My back was against him as I can't get myself to look at him. His presence is enough to provide the little comfort I need to prevent myself from breaking.

I merely shook my head as I felt the shift of weight on the bed. "I'm fine" I finally replied though my voice was far away.

"That's what you always say…" I can feel his cold gaze on my back. "And it's the most common lie to slip out of that mouth of yours"

"I'm fine, Illumi, just fine." I repeated but my voice is back to the present, like how it's supposed to be.

"Tell me, what happened?"

I was reluctant to answer. I already know what he'll say anyway but nevertheless… "I just don't think they care for me anymore" and I clutched the bed sheet tighter.

"Your friends?"

I didn't reply. I didn't need to. Silence always meant 'yes' between us.

Illumi let out a big sigh. "I've told you time and time again… You don't need friends. You can survive on your own."

"Easy to say for an assassin…" I mumbled.

" Friends will only bring you down, be a hindrance and, eventually and ultimately, destroy you." He added.

"You sure talk like you have a lot of experience with friends." I commented.

"No. It's merely how I was raised. If there's anyone I want to depend on, it would be my family… but we were trained to be independent so there's not really any room for it."

We stayed utterly silent for a while, in that dark bedroom with only the faint moonlight illuminating the place. Despite the raging storm of emotions inside me, the peaceful atmosphere is enough to help me keep up my calm façade.

"Do you want me to kill them?" Illumi finally asked.

"… No…" I replied after a few seconds of consideration.

There was always that question. Ever since I met this strange man, he always visited me, day or night… and somehow, we became friends. Well, I don't think 'friends' is even the proper term. We're not friends but we're not mere acquaintances either. He would ask about my day or just hang out in silence. Still, there is the question 'who should I kill?'. The relationship between us is complicated, as he would often take advantage of my emotions just so I would ask him to kill someone. Unfortunately for him, I don't want anyone dead.

I felt the weight on the bed shift and suddenly, I felt him so close to me, his hand on my waist and his lips so close to my ear that I can hear his breathing and feel the warmth of his breath. I was still as a doll but such contact could only make a maiden's heart beat any faster.

"But remember, one request." He whispered. "That's it. The number of targets doesn't matter."

For some time, we stayed in that position in total silence. I can't find it in me to push him away and I can feel sleep tugging at my eyes.

"I know" I finally said and yawned.

There wasn't a reply until I closed my eyes.

"You must be tired of being visited by an assassin everyday…" He said and before I could hear and understand the next sentence, I have fallen into a deep sleep.

"Your father and I are busy working abroad! You should know better than to call us just to attend a stupid event like your graduation!"

"I'm sorry, mom! It won't happen again! I swear!" I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes and I struggled to keep my voice clear.

"Honestly, I wouldn't even need to work this hard if it weren't for you." Mother always ended our calls with that statement.

I was just an accident.

My hand trembled as I put down the phone on the receiver. My knees weakened and I knelt on the ground and cried. The next thing I know, I was in a different place and in front of me were different people.

"Brianne! Keith! Richard! Annie!" I called for them but they only stared. "Guys?"

One by one, they started walking away, like I wasn't there.

"Everyone! Don't leave me!" I reached out my hand, stretching it as far as I could to reach for them but they're all too far away. "I treated you like you were my siblings by blood! I LOVED YOU! ALL OF YOU!"

Darkness.

I woke up, gasping for air. My hand was outstretched, reaching for the ceiling. I calmed down, my heart feels like it's being stabbed over and over. Will the wounds ever heal? I clutched my chest. Empty. I've never felt so empty in my life.

"I thought… as long as I have them… I wouldn't be alone anymore… but… they left… they all left…" A tear streamed down my left cheek.

The room was purely dark and I was all alone. I smiled and put my arm above my eyes. "You're so pathetic, Mei" I said to myself.

I'm weak… and I'm tired. It's a miracle I can still go on…

Can you? Really?

Yes, I can. I have to.

See? You just have to. But in truth, you can't.

I can. I will. You'll see.

Hihihi… This will be amusing.

I immediately stopped my crying and resumed my sleep though with a slight difficulty.

The following days were hell for me. My so-called friends have completely slipped through my fingers. It's like they don't know me anymore. But then, maybe this is for the best. I used to be an outcast in my old school so… why not here too, right? But, I already was an outcast here… I just wasn't alone. However… time has a certain hobby of making everything dull. Whether I'm in front of them or not, it's the same. They don't see me. And when they do, whether it's deliberate or not, they continue to misunderstand me, my words, my actions, everything. Then… the bullying started the following day. I just let it all slide and continue my life as I should but then… my grades have gotten dramatically low. I can't focus, especially with a cold I recently acquired. Nothing is going my way… and it's like the fates have conspired against me.

It's so late. I had to stay due to extra classes, to make up for my failures. Sickly, I walked as fast as I can. I still have to take the train before I can continue walking home. My school is in a city far away from where I live. I wound rent an apartment if I could but my parents think it's better for me to stay home so someone can watch over the house while their gone.

Unexpectedly, it started raining hard.

"Oh, crap" I cursed and ran for the nearest roof. I coughed the moment I got there. I never felt so sick in my life. I thought about catching the train. Once I get there, I don't need to worry about finding a roof so I continued walking anyway.

Before I could pass by an alley, a man who was leaning on the wall stood in front of me.

"Excuse me" I said and tried to walk past him but he grabbed my shoulder.

"Hey, hey, what's the hurry?" he said as two of his friends arrived. One behind me and one beside me.

The man harshly pushed me back, causing me to stumble into the guy behind me. I managed to break free but I was cornered in the alley. The rain weakened a little but there was thunder and lightning. I coughed as I moved farther back until my back hit the wall.

"Aww, looks like little missy is sick" said the guy from earlier. They were all grinning maliciously.

I merely glared daggers at them. Then with a swift movement, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.

"Ahhhh!" I screamed and gripped the knife the guy thrust. I pulled it off. I can hear their footsteps as they attempted to run but I didn't care. I know it. I'll be dead. I was about to close my eyes when I heard a loud splash. I looked and in front of me, in a puddle, on the ground, were three bodies. Their heads and backs covered with roundhead pins.

"You really like to attract trouble, don't you?" Faintly, I was able to make out Illumi.

"Illumi?" I asked then I coughed again but this time, I coughed up blood.

With that, he hurried beside me.

"Hold on." He said as he examined my stab wound.

"It hurts…" I said weakly. I just kept on losing blood.

"Don't worry, it'll be fine."

"Illumi… Can I still make a request?" I asked as he was about to lift me.

"Once you get better."

"Right now… I need to make it right now." I clutched his shirt as tightly as I could and stared into his eyes.

He sighed. "Fine. Who will I kill?"

I can feel him about to lift me but he stopped the moment I said, "Me"

"What?! That's crazy!" The second he realized that he lost his composure, he regained it.

I smiled at his reaction.

I guess he's not as emotionless as I thought after all.

"How can you ask me to kill you? I need to take you to the hospital." He said and finally lifted me.

"No… Illumi, I just can't…"

"It's going to be ok." He started running and then jumped from rooftop to rooftop.

The thunder roared and the lightning danced above the clouds, almost like guiding his way.

Before I could say anything, I blacked out.

I woke up to a blinding light.

"You're finally awake." Said a familiar voice.

I looked at Illumi blankly. There are tubes on certain parts of my body, one especially on the part where I was stabbed. Illumi noticed me looking at it and showed his hand where blood was taken from him.

"You lost a lot of blood back there." He said in his usual tone.

I was touched but I couldn't help but get angry either. I clenched my fists tightly.

"You idiot…" my tone was sharp and he was taken aback by my words. "Why? Why did you save me? Didn't I ask you to kill me?"

"Do you really want to disappear from the world?"

"Disappear?" I suddenly laughed. "Ha! The ground can swallow me whole right in front of you, of them, of everyone in the planet, and no one would even notice it."

I stopped laughing the moment I felt the change in the atmosphere. Something changed in Illumi. His expression was the same but the aura I feel is different, from casual to… deadly serious.

"Besides" I continued in a serious tone this time. "I'm gonna die anyway. I have lung cancer, Illumi."

Illumi and I looked at each other and shortly, I began coughing up blood again. I could barely breathe and I wheezed. I suppose my coughing was so loud the doctors heard it because they came rushing in.

Illumi was forced to leave the room.

3 years later…

"Hey, Mei, it's been a while." I knelt down and placed a bouquet of stargazers and roses on her grave. "Killua… I never got to introduce you to him, right? He's my little brother… and he ran off with a friend. I don't really know anymore. Often, I wish you're still here. You're the only person who I can really talk to… and until now, I wonder why? The deal was that… if I kill someone for you, I'm the one who gets to leave you alone, remember? But… you turned it all around and you're the one who left me alone."

"Well, well, well… so this is your friend?" I didn't even look at the person to know who it is.

"Hisoka… Mei and I are not friends." I replied.

"Mmm… I see… but she's more than a client or an acquaintance, isn't she? Else you wouldn't be wasting time visiting someone who's long dead." Hisoka's words struck a nerve but I just looked blankly at him.

"Maybe." I replied.

"Let's go get something to eat. You're done, aren't you?"

I nodded. I took one last glance at the grave before walking away with Hisoka.

"So, how did she die?" Hisoka asked while walking.

"By my own hands." This got an amused look from him. Of course, Hisoka would love some sweet gossip once in a while.

"Oh?" Interest was written all over his face.

"She helped me once and I had to repay her so I let her have a free request, regardless of the number of targets. Once that's done, I'm going to leave her alone."

"Ah… She asked you to kill her." Hisoka realized.

I just nodded. I'm not telling him about the daily visits or my attempts to court her.

"So… what attracted you to her?" Hisoka suddenly asked.

"What do you mean?" I kept my face and voice as neutral and normal as possible.

Her turquoise eyes? Her raven black hair? Her pinkish skin? Her attitude? Or was it the pain she experiences everyday? That pain that at some point we seem to share. Basically, everything.

"It's obvious that you like her."

"No, I don't."

Yes, I do. A lot.

Hisoka shrugged. "So, what happened? You killed her. Ok, why did she ask you to do so?"

"I guess she already accepted it."

"Huh?"

"She had 4th degree lung cancer and she didn't tell anyone. She was almost murdered on her way home if I hadn't passed by."

"Ooh. So you saved her." Hisoka smiled amusingly.

I just stayed silent.

"And?" Hisoka asked.

I didn't answer and, instead, I found myself reliving the day.

"I don't want to have that treatment. We wouldn't even be able to afford it." She said as she takes a bite out of the apple I peeled for her.

"Then let me pay for it. I get a lot from my job after all." I put down the knife and took a bite out of my own apple.

She shook her head. "No, definitely not."

It broke me to hear those words because as much as I'm used to deaths, especially those caused by me, this is one person whom I want to keep alive and just when I'm trying everything, it just wouldn't work out.

"Let's check out." Her words surprised me. "I don't want to stay another day or minute here. Come on, Illumi. I'm fine now, anyway."

I wanted to refuse. I wanted to help her get better so she can live a long happy life, even if it's not with me. But… I don't think she wants to anymore. Looking into her eyes, I can see the acceptance of death, like she's just waiting for it to embrace her and take her away.

I nodded and had everything arranged. She was allowed to leave. We arrived at Mei's house somewhere around eight o'clock. I accompanied her to her room and watched from the threshold as she sat on her bed. The moonlight was very bright and it illuminated her features, making her more beautiful than she already is.

I approached her silently and she smiled at me. I knelt down on one knee and stared intently into her eyes.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

She nodded. "Illumi… my request… please."

I feel something shatter in me as she said that. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"All right. I understand." I stood up and took a small vial from my pocket.

It contains a blue liquid which I rarely use. I drank it but didn't swallow and ever so swiftly, kissed Mei right on the lips. My hand was behind her head and the other wrapped around her waist. I knew she was flabbergasted by my actions but this is the only way I know how I can kill her without letting her suffer so much.

It didn't take long for her to respond and she kissed me back while wrapping her arms around my neck. She lied down on the bed and I transferred the poison to her mouth and she gulped it down. It will numb the pain but she'll get sleepy and the moment she closes her eyes, there's no turning back.

I never realized that I will actually fall in love with the very person I tried to get away from in the beginning. I'll miss the sound of your laughter, the tears I wipe off each night when you get nightmares and you don't even realize that I was there, your long beautiful and soft locks, and your turquoise eyes which I never get tired of looking into.

We parted for air and as we breathed, she asked "Illumi, what are we? We're not friends, are we? We were never friends."

"No… we're something more." I replied. "Does it still hurt?"

She shook her head and yawned.

That yawn…

My world started crumbling little by little.

I got off of her and she crawled to her pillows. She lied back down and I put the blanket over her.

"I feel sleepy… Illumi" she yawned again and rubbed her eyes. "What was that?"

"Something to ease the pain." I replied, being as vague as possible as to not lie to her.

"I see" She said and started closing her eyes. "Thank you."

I sat down beside her, caressed her hair and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll stay beside you all night."

She smiled one last time and everything crumbled to dust.

We're not friends. We could have been something more. No, we had been something more.