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There For You, Flyleaf

"Is he gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, it's just blood-loss."

"Are you sure? Why isn't he awake yet?"

"Um."

~~~\0/~~~

"You idiot," she whispers. I blink, squint against the bright lights, look up at her and grin.

"How am I an idiot? I caught 'im, didn't I?"

She looks worried, annoyed, proud. But mostly worried. "Yes, but you lost so much blood, and you were walking on a broken leg... sometimes I wonder why you're let out unsupervised."

"Hey, I'm supervised. His Majesty Brad the Deplorable is always on the line, you know. He doesn't have a problem with ordering me around. I swear, though, he's gonna be replaced soon."

She laughs and pushes my hair behind my ear. "You've told me. Kotetsu, when are you going to stop taking so many risks?" The worry takes over, and I feel slightly ashamed. "Kaede is scared for you, and so am I. Why are you being so reckless?"

She doesn't only mean my risks in the field, I can see that. "Because someone's gotta be the clown around here."

The tiniest smile, but she's still so sad. I try to tell her I love her and I do this because I want to keep her and Kaede safe, but I can't because I'm tired and she's stroking my hair and my throat is all closed up. I don't know why. I fall asleep again.

~~~\0/~~~

I woke up because someone was petting my hair, timidly, like they were scared. Not Bunny, I knew that right away, even with my eyes still closed. He would have given in and had some confidence. No, this was a smaller hand; not as small as Kaede, too timid for ma…

"What're YOU doing here?" I mumbled, turning my head enough to glare at Karina while keeping my eyes mostly closed. I want to go back to sleep as quickly as possible.

She almost squeaked, and snatched her hand away. "Um—um—w-well, Rock Bison said he got a call from your brother," she stuttered, "And he said he couldn't be bothered to take time off if you were going to be stupid again. So he sent me and Barnaby." Her face twisted and she looked positively disgusted. "He's signing people's papers while your mother keeps him away from your brother."

I almost felt satisfaction, but I also felt angry. Satisfied that ma was keeping nii-san under control, and Tony hadn't deigned me important enough; angry that nii-san wasn't pummeling Bunny, and Tony had sent Karina in his place. Why would I feel two different ways about the same things? I settled on being confused for the time being. "Well, okay, but WHY? If he can't be bothered, then why is he sending punishment? In the form of Bunny, not you."

The tinge of dismay in her face became a pinch of fierce triumph. "I guess he just wanted us to report. I don't know why he didn't send the others," she confessed, frowning a little. She's little-kid cute when she's annoyed at something other than me or mine. "Origami would've been better than Bunny, at least as a traveling companion."

I tried not to look suspicious. "What about you? Why did he send YOU?"

Her face went very red. "Um. I guess, I guess he thought you'd be angry?" she stammered, looking slightly alarmed and guilty.

"Bullshit." I pushed myself upright and inspected my arm out of habit. No, the doctors here knew how to stitch and bandage. "You came because you said so. And Bunny did too. Tony just said sure so you'd leave him alone."

She looked at her knees and picked her nails nervously. "N-no, we didn't."

"Aiya, when will people start telling me the truth?" I whined. "Bunny doesn't ask permission, and he doesn't go when people tell him to. Tony wouldn't think to send anyone to check up on the mess I've made; he'd just ask nii-san. So you came of your own free will. Why?"

Karina didn't answer. I wanted to get angry, but I didn't. I just felt very uncomfortable. Why was I in a hospital ward, with an IV? Well, obviously the IV was feeding blood, or that dark red liquid was just concentrated cherry juice, but the hospital? "How long have I been out?"

"As far as the doctor could tell us, only a few hours," Karina answered, almost eagerly. "Your brother called right as they were stitching you up. Bison cursed him out, and they had a shouting match, which I'm guessing your brother—what's his name?"

"Muramasa."

"Yes, he won the argument, I think. Anyway, Bison was too angry to explain, he just said you'd done a stupid again and he wasn't going to take the time to wait for you. Barnaby, however," here her voice turned venomous, "Decided he was going to come see you. I told him I was coming too."

I nodded to myself and frowned at the IV. "Huh. Did nii-san sock him in the jaw?"

"What?"

I tried to glare at her, but I was tired. "Did my brother beat the shit out of Bunny?"

She made a face. "No. But your daughter, Kaede, she refused to even look at him. I think she's picked up that he's an asshole."

Like father, like daughter. I almost smiled. "Well, ma's doing a great job keeping him in check, then. He was yelling about how he should have pulverized him, Bunny I mean, the minute he was in the house—" No no no not that memory not the thoughts that happened that day, stop stop stop it. "Maybe he should've, I dunno."

Karina stared. "Wow," she murmured, "You really are scared of him. Barnaby."

A tiny shudder ran through me, and my face burned. "No. I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"If I were scared of him, I wouldn't work with him," I retorted, refusing to sound nervous.

"If you weren't scared of him, you wouldn't be avoiding him so much!" she snapped, glowering. "You haven't even been confident enough to be a pig-headed moron, let alone withstand HIM."

She had me beat there. I looked away, back to the IV. The bag was almost empty, and my arm was aching. Maybe if I ignore this conversation, it will go away. I don't want anyone knowing, guessing, deciding what I'm afraid of or not. Even if I do shudder just thinking about him.

Her fingertips on my arm, gingerly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"Like hell you didn't," I muttered, but for some reason I felt my shoulders un-hunch a bit. They didn't relax, they just moved. And I looked away from the IV, back to my hands, fisted in my lap. I made them uncurl, so they were open, palm-up, on my knees. A tiny cut on the ball of my thumb caught my eye; it wasn't there earlier. I almost inspected it, except Karina picked up my other hand and brushed her fingers on my wrist. Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about those ones. Thinner, smaller, not as shiny. Older. I remember why I made those, if not the ones elsewhere. Goodbye, I told them, glancing at the carving on the inside of my elbow. I glanced at her, too, and she looked almost devastated as she inspected my wrists.

"How long have you been doing this?" she whispered.

I shrugged uncomfortably. "Since before you were born, probably. And anyway, I haven't been doing it ALL the time. It's… mostly been off and on." Shut it, Kotetsu.

She'd been holding my hand too long. I pulled out of her grip, not sharply, but enough that she snapped out of whatever teenage brooding she'd been stuck in and put her hands down quickly, not looking me in the eye. I resisted the urge to scoot to the other side of the berth.

Kaede opened the door and peered anxiously. "Dad? Are you okay now?"

I grinned. For you, baby-girl? Always. "Yeah, I'm fine. Is Uncle Mori being good?"

She nodded, hesitated, then ran to me and clambered up on the bed to hug me tightly. I hugged back and wondered guiltily if anyone had told her, or if she'd guessed. Well, it didn't matter anymore. She knows that I did it to myself, at least this once.

"Who're you?" Kaede demanded over my shoulder.

"Karina," Karina replied. "I work with your dad."

Kaede loosened her grip, so I did too, and she stared at me condemningly. "You work with HER?" she demanded.

I shrugged. "Hey, you get all types in the Big Star."

"And just what is THAT supposed to mean?" Karina snapped irritably.

I had a sudden vision of me in army fatigues hiding under a rock from Warthog bombers with Kaede and Karina's faces. "It means I apparently can't win against you two."

Karina had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed. Kaede wrinkled her nose at me. "Hmph. At least you're not as mean as Uncle Mori. Gramma had to send him home so he didn't tackle Barnaby."

No, don't be angry. Don't be angry. "Yeah? What did Bunny do to him?"

Her small face became troubled. "Uncle Mori said it was his fault that… that you… um…" She glanced at my shoulder and away. I felt a bit cold, but didn't shiver.

"Hmm." Should I lie or try to explain? "I guess they're both idiots."

Kaede seemed horrified. "DAD! Why would you SAY that?!"

"Because it's true," I retorted automatically.

"But—but—he came all the way from Sternbild to see you!"

Ahh. THAT'S what's wrong. She doesn't want me saying anything bad about her savior, even though he's the reason I'm screwed up so bad. I shrugged uncomfortably. "Just 'cause he took the trouble of showing up to prove he cares doesn't mean he's not an idiot."

"Hear, hear," Karina muttered.

The door opened further (why are there so many people here for me?) and Bunny stepped in, timidly.

Karina straightened like a herding dog spotting a coyote. Kaede blushed and shrank against me, embarrassed. I felt cold all over, though I'm pretty sure I didn't show any emotion. His eyes, always his eyes, with that icky wanting behind all the honest nervousness, the honest worry. This is why I defend him. He scares me, but he doesn't mean to.

"Um… hello," he mumbled, glancing at my girls nervously. Karina glared daggers, Kaede fussed with the hem of my blanket, I hoped desperately they wouldn't leave. Don't leave me alone with him.

"Hi," I got out shortly.

He sidled in a bit further, tentatively; the door half-closed behind him. He saw that I noticed, and stepped quickly away from it instead of closing it. Karina suddenly stood up, walked across the room, pushed past him and shut the door firmly. Kaede looked surprised, but I got even colder. No no no why did you close me in with him? The room felt smaller, and I forgot about Kaede, forgot about appearances, forgot about how absolutely stupid I was being, how completely irrational my fear was; I pressed back, away from him, farther against the headboard. Why am I this scared? It wasn't this bad before. I was fine a few days ago.

The wanting in his eyes was different. It was the kind of wanting that I associate with my own kind of want for affection. It was just different. If I were to wax poetic, I'd say it was a wanting to help me as well as express his… um… fondness? I don't know what he feels, but I don't want (that word again) to find out.

He saw; he was watching me as intently as I was watching him. He just hid it better, dispersing his attention to the surroundings, my other visitors, the IV draining blood into my arm. He almost took a seat, then decided against it as Karina bustled past him again and settled in the chair beside me. Kaede glared at her, annoyed for no reason I could think of. Then again, I couldn't think of a reason for anything, not even my own reactions, let alone anyone else's.

Bunny stayed at the foot of my berth, nervously, awkwardly. "Are you feeling better?" he asked lamely, then winced. So he knew that was a bad opening line too.

Neither of the girls seemed to notice. So. Do I just know him that well, that I can see the least twitch? Or am I watching too closely for any sign at all? I shuddered, but neither girl noticed; Bunny did, and that made his shoulders hunch, his eyes darken. Why can we read each other so very well?

"Yes." My throat managed to unstick long enough for me to sound casual. "Why are you here?"

"What, here in this room, or here on this earth?" A tiny, tiny smile at the corner of his mouth. Even his stance loosened a little, settling, and somehow that made me let my fists unclench.

"Both. And everything in between, of course."

"Of course." That tiny smile (why is it so infinitesimal and yet so obvious?) didn't exactly grow; his face relaxed from a fixed mask to allow a little more emotion through. And for half a second, everything in his eyes either got pushed out or hidden, but the wanting disappeared and instead he became my friend. "Well, to answer most of that question, I happen to be here because I was born and raised somewhere in the general area of this city and haven't gone abroad since Honors Engineering went to Japan. As for this neighborhood, your brother called and said you—ah."

"Thanks for the box, by the way," I interrupted, and he let go of trying to finish his sentence tactfully. "Where'd it come from?"

"Fire Emblem's cousin with the perfume shop has a female partner who does pottery and sculpting."

"Oh. Partner as in…?"

"Partner as in Fire Emblem is very proud of her."

"Gotcha."

I dropped my guard; I shouldn't've, I know I shouldn't've, but I did. And he did too, and Karina bristled, and Kaede picked up on the confusing vibes and hunkered down beside me and stared at us three with sick fascination. But even though Bunny's presence made me feel ill, if I ignored him and focused on Benny, it was almost okay.

I have to believe this will be okay.

"Has Tony been keeping out of trouble?"

"You haven't been gone THAT long, you know."

"Hey, never know, maybe he went and got a DUI, or beat up some idiot at a bar. Maybe he filed for sexual assault." I shrugged and hid a wince. "Wouldn't be the first time."

"What, the report, the beating, or the DUI?"

"All three. He got a restraining order once, too, but Nate paid someone off and it's no longer in effect."

Benny has a particular kind of smile that makes me want to give him a teddy and a lollipop and send him to daycare, it's so little-kid cute. He can't possibly be a grownup. Focus, Kotetsu. "Ahh. Is that part of the reason he's so vehement about the subject?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Stop using big words. It's annoying."

"Vehement isn't a big word."

"It starts with a v. It's a big word."

"Vibrant?" Benny tested.

"Voluminous?" Karina added.

"Very?" Kaede put in.

"Aiya! I yield, I yield!" I covered my head with my arms. "So not all words are equal, I get it!"

"Good." Benny shifted his weight, and in doing so moved forward two centimeters. "But no, he has not had law troubles and has not given official complaint that I know of. I have also gotten my license renewed, so you won't have to rely on Keith."

My eyebrows rose of their own accord. "ME? Why would I have to rely on anyone? I'm not the one who lost their license because people hate my driving."

He blushed and looked slightly alarmed and guilty, and I almost forgave him. "I-I didn't—Um. Sorry. I meant, if you break your leg or something again, you won't have to suffer John, or Nathan's, er, untoward behavior."

"Hmm." I didn't want to admit that he had a point there (hell, anything to get away from that damn dog), so I just ignored him. "How's the Sugarglider goin', then? Did you break it again yet?"

Benny's glare + blush combo always makes me want to laugh and throw things at him. "Will you STOP calling it that? It's just a car."

"Well, name it yourself, then," I retorted. "Otherwise I'll call it whatever names I want."

"Sugarglider?" Karina sounded vaguely amused, but also slightly jealous. I shrugged.

"He's got a first-edition Glider, and it's painted "candy-apple red" or some such, so I call it the Sugarglider."

"His Crusher is named Cheetara," Benny added, grinning as I snarled. "Sometimes I consider Helga."

"Don't make me hurt you."

"Try me."

All gone, gone, gone, all of it, fear and hurt and other people and I was standing in the second stall from the left with my crappy cellphone and Tony ready to bust in. Why now? Why here? "You're lucky Nate is so infatuated, otherwise I'd sic 'im on you so fast your head'll spin."

"Ah, but he appears to have no trouble flirting with men other than Antonio. Also, 'I will' or 'head would'. Your grammar needs improving still."

I made a face. "Hey, I'm getting better."

He almost smirked. "Not fast enough."

"Shut it!"

"That is also grammatically incorrect."

"Oh, both of you shut up," Karina cut in irritably. "You're annoying me."

Because I'm not shaky and nervous. It's annoying because here, when I'm absolutely defenseless, he's good. He isn't a creepy freak; he's good now, and that makes her jealous. Why, did she want to be my guardian angel-in-training again? Well… this was almost as bad. But I'm okay now, so stop being sulky and irritable. Please.

Ma appeared like magic and swept a cold, evaluating glare over the room. Her gaze rested on me, and I felt weird. Ashamed, mostly, but I didn't know why. I wasn't as scared as I should've been; of her or Benny. I'm talking to Benny on the phone right now and there are other people in the room.

But if they leave…

No.

"Hello," ma said to the room at large. "May I have a moment alone with Kotetsu?"

Kaede slid off the bed almost immediately. Karina stood, slowly, and stared hard at Benny. He was looking at me, sort of confused and questioning and pleading. I didn't meet his gaze; I inspecting my IV drip again instead.

"AHEM."

Benny started at ma's cough and, with one last stare at me, left. Karina was close behind, escorting him; Kaede followed her, looking back often, slightly terrified to be banished yet again.

Ma came over and stood beside me, putting her hands on her hips. "Was that why you didn't want to talk about him?" she demanded. "Because he looks at you like that?"

"Like what?" I muttered, trying to avoid her eyes. What did she see in him? Did she see different things than me? Maybe she saw something wronger than I did. I felt suddenly nervous, but also relieved. Why?

"Like he owns you." I finally looked up and stared at her. She glowered back. "Yes, he does. He worries, that much is clear, but he worries like an owner faced with an injured favorite pet. And there's something else, I can't guess it; but as a mother, I think it's bad."

I remembered, and I felt my innards shrivel again. The negativity-tar filled me up, and I knew ma saw because her suspicion softened to regret and fear. She cupped my face in her hands and murmured, "Baby, what did he do?"

"Nothing," I snapped, but my voice got wobbly and I had to shake my head hard. "No, he didn't do anything. He's just creepy."

"Please stop lying."

"He… well. Remember when he came over?"

"Yes."

I don't want to tell. It's stupid. It's childish. I shook my head again. "He, uh. He had a nightmare, again. He gets 'em every few nights. So he started crying and I let him stay in my room." I shrugged uncomfortably. "He, um. Uh. Well, when I woke up, he'd stolen the blanket, and when I tried to wake him up too, he. Er. He kissed m-me."

I couldn't help the stutter, and I couldn't help shivering a little, mostly out of embarrassment. Ma looked unsatisfied and still worried. "Did he ever do more than that?"

"Um. I don't know. I… I just…" No, I'm not going to tell her about his "wanting". "I got drunk with him in the house, and he kissed me again," a thrill of revulsion, "But I kicked him out."

"He's only ever kissed you?"

"I think so…"

"You THINK so?"

"Well, I passed out once…"

"Kotetsu, that's sexual assault!" ma burst out, both alarmed and furious. "That's not being 'creepy', that's assaulting a friend for no reason."

I said it because I wanted to defend him, to have ma understand, and to just get it out, get it away from me. "He said he wanted me. I don't know why, but he said he wanted me, and that's why he kissed me. So that counts as a reason."

Horrified, now, as well as the fury and alarm and all that. "Was that supposed to be defending him?"

"Um. Yes?"

"Why don't you report this?"

"Because everyone knows it's happening, but nobody really wants to even try to keep him under control." I warmed up to the subject, stopped shivering. "He's the Posterboy. He's the money-maker. I'm just a washed-up old man, a violent alcoholic." My throat strained a little, but it passed. "It doesn't matter what he does, the masses will still love him, and after this, I'm never gonna keep the crown. Agnes will probably put in a request to fire me. Again."

Ma's frowning deepened. "Baby," she whispered, "You need to get out of there."

"So Petra tells me, every night at the bar. It's not gonna happen." I pulled away and leaned back against the headboard. "I'm just… I'm trying to get over it. It shouldn't scare me so much, I mean, he's just a kid, it doesn't matter… but…" I trailed off and hesitated, trying to think of something to say that wouldn't give away how absolutely stupid I am or make me sound like I'm playing it down. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't get why it's weird and gross. And I'm overreacting." A shudder; no, shut it down, shut it down. "Sure, the first time he got creepy on me I should've punched him through the wall… but I didn't, so now he doesn't understand. I told him to just forget it, just lie, let's all just pretend everything is normal and keep away from me; I don't know if he even knew which 'normal' I was talking about."

Ma sat through all of this quietly, then sighed. "You'll never change your mind."

It took you this long to realize that? "No."

She was silent for another minute. Then, "At least try not to be alone with him. Can you do that?"

"I can try," I allowed, feeling strangely reluctant. I'm not at risk of something worse, I don't think, and he's not THAT kind of a creep. "Nobody else really—"

"KO-BABY!"

"HEY! This is a private ward—"

Nate ignored the nurse and smothered me in a flurry of pink feathers, sequins, and makeup. "Oh Ko-baby, what have you DONE to yourself?! Putting yourself in the hospital over such a small thing! We were so WORRIED about you, I sent Karina dear ahead to be your chaperone so Handsome didn't do anything dreadful, and I find you still stuck in a bed with an IV and stitches and—oh, hello, you must be Ko-baby's mother," he cut himself off, smiling winningly at ma.

"Get OFF!" I grunted, shoving him away from me. He gasped tragically and turned away with a sob.

"Ko-baby! After all I've done for you, your heart remains unmoved! How dreadful!"

"What you've done for me? You've groped me, hit on me, and assaulted me in public. Of course I'm "unmoved"!"

Ma's frown disappeared to make way for surprise and unease. "Er… hello. And you are…?"

"Nathan Seymour," he answered, with another smile. "I'm your son's bodyguard."

"He's a horny gay guy," I translated, scowling at him. "Jesus god, what next? Is Keith gonna barge in and start wailing, too?"

"No, but he considered it." Nate pouted and put his chin in his hand. "You really don't care, do you?"

"Well, no." I tried not to look at him like he was crazy. "Why would I? None of you guys really give a shit."

For a second there, I could've sworn he looked hurt. Then he scowled right back. "Hmph! Why must you always think the worst of us?" Then his face softened, which made my skin crawl. I'm getting enough of those kinds of expressions from Bunny, thank you very much. "You do know we all wanted to come. Most of us, at least. Ivan-sweetling said it wasn't any of our businesses, so he refused. Pao Lin offered to keep him company."

"So, basically, the two sane ones stayed behind," I deduced acidly. I didn't mean to, I just… the idea of ALL of them knowing what had happened made me long to bite someone. They never cared before… "Please tell me Tony is tied down with triple-forged chains in a nice, safe little padded room with sedatives at the ready."

"Not quite." Nate ignored my first response, even though I saw, more clearly, that it hurt. "He's locked himself in his rooms, and last I heard he was testing a new design for a leather and canvas handbag. He promised to dye it pink, and in return I promised not to touch you at all for three weeks."

"Mama Bear Tony," I muttered, feeling disgust instead of relief. "Mama Bear Tony, Overly-Thorny Rose, Airhead Keith, Gropey Nate—" I cut myself off, because I'd almost gone on to name Bunny. But I couldn't think of a good insult. "Sorry. Didn't mean that."

Nate sighed and shook his head. "You always accuse everyone else of lying; how much do YOU lie?"

He had a point.

I stared at the scar on my thumb, rubbing it absently. How much DO I lie? Well… lying means telling a falsehood; does it include excluding the truth, or hiding something? Because if it does, then my entire life is a lie. Every word and every smile and every thought, even… none of it actually means anything.

"Doesn't matter." I looked up from my clenched fists and scowled at him again. "I guess everyone is a liar. But that doesn't excuse you from—"

Ma stood up suddenly and stalked to the door. I cut myself off, and both me and Nate watched, startled, as she jerked open the door and Kaede fell through. It seemed she'd been listening at the crack. Her entire face went red.

"Um," she stuttered, "Um—um—"

"And just what do you think you're doing, little miss, listening at doors?" ma demanded irritably. She had no patience left apparently. I felt bad for that, which was kind of stupid, because I didn't care about anything else I'd done today.

Kaede looked pretty miserable. "I—I just—Barnaby and that girl, Karina, they left, and Uncle Mori followed them, and that guy," she pointed to Nate, "Showed up and nobody was doing anything. So I came here, but there was yelling. So I stayed outside."

Ma's thunderous frowning softened, and she hugged Kaede a little. "I'm sorry, baby. He was a surprise visitor. His name is Nathan."

Nate smiled again, but this time there was a little undercurrent that was meant for me. I looked down, saw the IV bag was empty, thought about it, shrugged, tugged it out. There was a little annoyed beep from some alarm somewhere, but no one noticed. I felt better anyway.

"Hello, dear," Nate was saying. "What's your name again?"

She stared with round eyes, intimidated. "'M Kaede," she mumbled, then extracted herself from ma's embrace and scurried back to me, crawling up beside me again. "Dad, that Karina girl said to tell you she's gonna keep Barnaby in line even if it means sending him back to Uncle Tony. What does that mean?"

Anxious and slightly afraid. I hugged her a little and tried not to feel guilty. "He gets weird sometimes. Tony can scare him, if he tries hard enough. That's all."

She leaned against me, and I wondered if she was scared of what I'd done, or was uncomfortable with all the strangers coming in and being, well, strange. Maybe it was both. I just knew that I hadn't been allowed to hold her like this since she was small. It made me very happy, at least partially. I love my baby. "WHY does he get weird?"

Because he wants me. Because I sometimes catch him staring like he's got more than half a mind to force me. Because I'm unreasonably scared of him. "Um. I think it's got something to do with his need to cling. Still haven't broke him of that, but we're getting there."

She caught it. The hesitation. The… whatever emotion was on my face. I couldn't help tensing up when I had to talk about this, but I'd hoped she wouldn't notice. Nate looked sad, ma seemed bitterly triumphant; and my baby stared at me so hard I looked back down at my hands clenched on the hospital blanket to avoid letting her read what was there. It didn't matter. She'd got it.

Slowly, Kaede pulled away. I let her, because she was already uncomfortable. "Daddy?" she squeaked.

"What?" Shitshitshit I need to learn to hide better. "Okay, so breaking was a bit harsh, but—"

"Daddy, why does he get weird?"

Sharper now, a command. I repressed the urge to flinch. "How should I know? It's his brain."

"But you're scared." She was too, and I wanted to hug her, but not in this mood. Now I wanted to cry for her.

"Not really," I muttered, and really did flinch this time. Damn it, Kotetsu. Why not scream it to the world, why don't you? "Erm."

"Why?"

Always the whys, always the questions; children don't know how much it hurts, wanting to refuse to answer, knowing it won't do any good. "I have to deal with him every day. His… his weirdness is kind of uncomfortable. That's all."

She disbelieves me so hard it makes even the tar shrink in and cry. She doesn't even have to say anything.

"…He gets worse around me," I muttered. "That's all, I swear that's all to it."

"He gets weird ONLY around you," Nate jumped in with a sniff. He just can't let me hurt by myself, can he? None of them can. They never cared before. "Good of Karina-dear to warn us. Hopefully she will escort him all the way back to the city."

Hopefully.

Kaede still looked pained, miserable, and scared, but it was lessened, and she kept her eyes on me. "Why?"

Ma opened her mouth to jump in, but I shook my head and she didn't. She did glare, though.

"He's a creep. You saw that blow-up with Wild Tiger? Yeah… he does that to me, too." My skin crawls, admitting this. "N-not as bad, but still…"

"Bad enough," Nate finished, his feigned cutesy-gay-man accent slipping to let his anger show how deep his voice really is. It's almost frightening.

The pain slipped away a little, leaving Kaede mostly miserable and scared (for me or of me I don't want to know). She hugged me again, but let go quicker than before. "Why?" she repeated again. Her voice cracked on that word, and I almost squeezed her close again. Baby, no, don't be this way, don't ask this. I can't answer, because I don't understand. I love you and I can't tell you.

The silence felt accusative. Nate finally sighed. "Handsome—Barnaby—needs help figuring out his emotions. He's off-balance and doesn't know how to stop." He glanced at me, telling me to take up the thread. I glared and his mouth twisted and he kept talking. "In other words, he has a crush on your father that is unrequited, and he refuses to understand that. Barnaby, that is."

Some misery emptied itself from Kaede's face; no, she relaxed and looked like she finally thought she understood. "Oh. Okay. Why are you scared of him, if it's just a crush?"

"People crush on others in different ways," I answered carefully. "His way is trying to make the person he likes, like him in turn. A'course, he doesn't know the whys and hows of his own feelings, so he doesn't know how to do that." He kisses, forces himself, represses something uncontrollable that makes me flinch and shrink away. I think… I think he just lusts. He isn't even crushing, he just, for some weird and unfathomable reason, wants to fuck me. Against my will. I shuddered just thinking about it. "He, uh. He doesn't mean to be that weird, usually."

Nate glared, ma glared, Kaede glared. I didn't look any of them in the eye. How do I explain that he's still Benny, and that's why I suffer through this? Or, I guess I don't know why. I still have hope? I'm not sure that'll cut it.

Ma came forward and put her hand on my cheek. I felt my face get warm; I don't do public displays of motherly concern. But she ignored that. "Kotetsu, baby, I've told you before, you need to—"

"I'm not a kid, ma!" I snapped. No, no, I don't know why I lashed out like that, I'm sorry. "I can deal with him. I can deal with everything that's happening. It's not the end of the world."

"It is unacceptable!" ma retorted. "I will NOT have my son harming himself over a spoiled little upstart. Either report him or come home permanently." She crossed her arms and gave me her Choose Wisely glare. The blackness inside tried to push up, tried to make me angry, tried to make me hate her—but she's ma, I can't hate her—but I do, I hate her, I hate all of them—no, I love them, these are my family, I can't—but I can—but I can't—

"It doesn't matter," I got out, through a tight throat and clenched teeth. "I can't, ma, I just can't. It doesn't matter."

It doesn't matter. Why bother?

It's the why bothers that are the worst.

"What doesn't matter?"

If I come home I'll die. If I report him, it'll get worse. No. Wait it out. Drink it down, punch it out, wait. It'll be okay. "It'll get better on its own. He'll give up."

"You don't know that!" Kaede piped up angrily. She knows now. Fuck. "If he's—if he's been hurting you for this long, how do you know he'll stop?"

You don't know jackshit, so shut your—no no no don't think like that don't think like that I love you baby I promise I love you—"He loses interest in everything eventually. It's just taking him a bit longer."

"Liar!"

I couldn't hide it, I flinched just the littlest bit. My baby girl can always hit me harder. But I didn't let how much I suddenly hated them, ALL of them, show at all. I love them, I really do. Ma and Kaede and nii-san and my… no, they're not friends. Are they? They never cared before I grabbed a knife and made them wonder if I was sane or not. But Tony and Nate, and Pao Lin… and Ivan… and Karina. Keith, too? Maybe. I guess they can be friends… as long as they don't hurt me again. Please. Don't hurt me. "I'm not lying. He'll find someone else to creep on and they can deal with him."

"Ahem."

We all looked up at the nurse, who was glaring at me very disapprovingly. I refused the urge to sink under my blankets. "What happened to your IV?" she demanded. I glanced at it and then the tiny gauze pad on my arm, and shrugged.

"It's all empty. And I feel better now."

Ma almost shouted, Nate almost hit me, and Kaede almost laughed. What? It's not my fault I'm so much better at lying to the cameras, or the general public, or strangers, or whatever. I am a liar. We all are. I let myself think about my scars and the nurse berate me. Then she revealed that I was being released after one more inspection. She threw that in to get back at me, I know she did. But after a short physical, she let me put on my own clothes and sign out. Nate escorted me, with ma and Kaede walking in front. I felt like a prisoner.

Karina was waiting outside, texting someone. She saw us, pushed away from Nate's car (which she'd been leaning on), and took five steps towards me, then saw the rest of us and stopped. Her face took on a red tint, and ma's attention sharpened. Oh, god. Now she's gonna see danger there, too. I managed to step between her and Karina without anyone noticing it wasn't accidental.

"Oy, where's the vermin?" I asked her, trying to hide what'd happened inside the building. A random observation popped into my head; I'm bigger than her by a few inches and several pounds, but she's always seemed much taller. She's only a little girl. Why'd I always think of her as a cranky woman? And why was I only noticing now?

She scowled. "Your brother threatened him and he ran."

I couldn't help a snort. "Huh. That's a first."

"What, him running or your brother threatening murder?" Karina demanded, narrowing her eyes at me.

"The death-threats." I wanted to hide it, but the corner of my mouth twitched with something that I think can be almost described as "bitter amusement". "The running away, that's not really news."

She looked unnaturally satisfied. "Yes. Bison gets rid of him pretty quickly too, I've noticed. Why are you smirking like that?!" she snapped at Nate. I turned, surprised, to see him cover his mouth and titter slightly.

"Oh, nothing," he chuckled slyly. "I was just wondering if…"

"NO!" Karina suddenly shouted. I stumbled back a little and almost fell down. "No, no, NO! Stop TALKING about it!"

"Um," I said, trying to not be annoyed.

"Are you sure?" Nate teased her. "Have you talked to your friends about it?"

Ma was glaring daggers at Karina, and Kaede seemed as bewildered as I did. But Karina herself was blushing furiously and seemed about to cry. I felt a weird paternal urge to hit Nate, but I checked myself. Not now. Not here.

Nate laughed again and put his arm around her shoulders. "I apologize, Karina-dear. You just need to control it better."

You need to lie.

"There's nothing to control," she mumbled sullenly, not looking at any of us. "You're seeing things."

Don't I say that every day?

Ma stepped to my side and tucked her arm through mine. "Goodbye, Mr. Seymour, Miss Lyle," she said firmly, with a final cold glare at Karina. I almost opened my mouth to protest, but Kaede grabbed my free hand and started tugging me towards the car.

"Goodbye, Mrs. Kaburagi, Kaede, Ko-baby." Nate blew me a kiss and I pretended to gag. Karina muttered something that might have been a goodbye and scrambled into the passenger seat. Nate laughed and got in the driver's side. Ma and Kaede pulled me the opposite way, towards the car that nii-san was leaning on. My car. I frowned at him as we drew nearer.

"Did she bite you?" I asked when we were close enough.

He, being a car-person, knew what I meant and scowled back. "Yes."

"Serves you right." I extracted myself from ma and Kaede's grips and hopped in. "Gimme the keys."