John and Sherlock are spending Christmas with Mycroft. No one really knows why. Sherlock has a suspicion that Mummy was involved, and Mycroft refuses to shed any light on the matter. John doesn't really mind why, he just thinks it's pleasant for them to spend Christmas together, and hopes, perhaps, that the good wishes of the Christmas season might reveal a smoother side to the Holmes brother's relationship, even if he did have to bully Sherlock into coming.
He couldn't be more wrong.
They have been staying at Mycroft's house – well, mansion really – John isn't too sure exactly where it is (classified information, apparently) but it's certainly enormous; sort of like the Diogenes, except less silence (as far as arguments between Mycroft and Sherlock are concerned), and grander. They have been there for all of December in the lead up to Christmas. Sherlock argues that he is there under duress, which is not too far from the truth given John's threats; John maintains that they are there due to politeness. Sherlock has been behaving very badly the entire time, and appears to be channelling more of his inner child than usual; the ultimate result being that he has taken to hanging from the crystal chandelier in the main lounge. Mycroft is most unamused. John tries his best to be. At times this is quite easy, as he is also consumed by a mixture of dread for if the chandelier is ripped out of the ceiling and wonder at how Sherlock managed to get up there in the first place, given that it is in the centre of the room. Mycroft long ago had the ceiling reinforced due to various incidents (which no amount of pestering from John will draw out the tale from either brother), but still wishes that Sherlock would not be so childish. Unfortunately, such wishes have been fruitless since he first began having them when Sherlock was six.
They have not started on Mycroft's stores of vintage wine and brandy as yet. John has some vague concerns on this score, given Sherlock's already odd behaviour, as well as the fact that he has never actually seen Sherlock drunk before. Mycroft says that they will open the cellar on Christmas Day and not before. Sherlock is somewhat peeved, but does not let on to John. Christmas that includes Mycroft historically means eighty year old brandy and several thousand pound bottles of wine, and is the only time that Sherlock really indulges himself in terms of alcohol. Usually he abhors it, given that it is a depressant, and he loathes having his mind slowed down to anything but its optimum speed and ability. Christmas Day with Mycroft is an exception – besides, there are many things that need dulling when Mycroft is around. Sherlock's memory is such that he can recall with perfect accuracy the exact amount of each vintage that Mycroft's capacious cellar contains, as well as the precise volume of each that he requires to drink in order to become nicely drunk.
John is not quite sure why Mycroft is so concerned about the matter, feeling that Sherlock being drunk enough to be convivial may not be such a bad thing. Sherlock, however, has no intention of merely becoming a little tiddly. Mycroft knows it. What makes matters worse is that Sherlock has an unusually high alcohol tolerance threshold. Mycroft regrettably discovered this after a silly argument that resulted in a retrospectively unwise and thoroughly rash drinking competition between them during their university years; Mycroft has not had a hangover the like of which since, and is very glad. Sherlock amusedly considers him to be a lightweight.
Mycroft tolerates Sherlock's empting large amounts of his stocks, merely because he prohibits the use of drugs (which Sherlock maintains are necessary for blurring the boredom that Christmas with Mycroft inspires) and also the fact that drunk, Sherlock at least has the likelihood of not being in a maudlin torpor as he would be both on drugs and off, even if the chances of his being cheerful are slim.
09.00 Christmas Eve –
Breakfast is uneventful; everyone wishes everyone else happy Christmas Eve. Mycroft and John make polite conversation; Sherlock soon puts paid to this idea with the unhappy interjections of a sober and drugless highly tuned sociopath consulting detective.
09.41
Everyone decides that continuing breakfast is a bad idea (Sherlock has put jam in the soup tureen, and the previous night replaced the maple syrup with brown vinegar). Mycroft is most displeased with the vinegary state of his pikelets.
John explains that he will be busy today again with secret business (as he has been for most of December, although only with partial success due to Sherlock's boredom fuelled interruptions that have largely consisted of lying in a chair complaining, dragging John out to play Cluedo, and bouncing on John's bed), and that certain individuals whose names begin with 'S' and end with 'k' are to leave him alone for the day.
09.47
Mycroft comes as close as he can to imploring John not to spend the entire day barring Sherlock from his company. He explains that Sherlock usually spends Christmas Eve attempting to gain early entry to the wine cellar, and that without John as a distraction, things could become difficult. Mycroft is adamant on keeping Sherlock from being drunk for as long as possible.
John agrees to come down as often as he can, but warns that he cannot make any promises.
10.02
Sherlock stabs various papers from Mycroft's desk to the walls with letter openers. He is feeling somewhat fractious.
Mycroft takes up his station at the door to the cellar. He is armed with his umbrella and a newspaper. Christmas Eve is traditionally the day when Sherlock executes plans of felonious intent regarding the cellar. He is not fooled by Sherlock's silence on the matter.
10.16
Sherlock puts plan A into action: Lestrade.
10.29
Mycroft puts the phone down on the blackmailed Lestrade, and remarks to a "casually" lurking Sherlock that he will have to try harder if he wants to achieve alcohol possession before tomorrow.
10.41
Foiled, but as resolutely determined as before, Sherlock puts plan B into action: Cake.
10.52
Mycroft is visibly wrestling with his self-control. Sherlock decides that the iced umbrellas around the sides of the triple chocolate fudge gateau he ordered were a good idea.
11.36
Mycroft tells Sherlock to take the cake away. He is not moving.
Sherlock is distinctly surprised at his lack of success.
13.30
John comes out from his room for lunch. The testy truce between Mycroft and Sherlock over the dining table is made only more obvious by the presence of a black permanent marker moustache, frowny eyebrows and an unhappy clown mouth on Mycroft's face, and the fact that Sherlock is limping slightly (Mycroft long ago discovered the usefulness of a carefully applied umbrella point in the same vicinity of Sherlock's feet).
15.20
John decides to give Mycroft a break after lunch. He and Sherlock play Cluedo.
15.35
John packs away Cludeo after listening to the fifty seventh lecture on why the rules are wrong that he has been treated to during their stay; he still cannot understand why Sherlock continues to play the game given his evident loathing for it. Scrabble is produced instead.
15.39
Scrabble is packed away. Apparently there are insufficient letters for the words Sherlock has in mind. Twister is taken out.
John wonders idly why it is that Mycroft has so many board games and whether this, too, is part of the Mycroft Christmas tradition.
15.47
Mycroft joins in playing Twister. Sherlock is proving to be surprisingly adept at it due to the incredible length of his limbs. John is having some trouble, being somewhat shorter. Mycroft sympathises.
16.10
Twister is disbanded following a trading of unkind comments between Sherlock and Mycroft after a particularly tricky manoeuvre that left Sherlock's stomach pinned underneath a fallen Mycroft.
John returns to his room. He can still hear the argument going on downstairs.
17.55
Sherlock runs out of letters to name his plans, and so turns to naming them with the Greek alphabet.
18.39
Plan Theta: Suits, nearly works, but is ruined by the appearance of John on his way down to dinner saying that he thought it was odd that Mycroft's suits were in the washing machine, and that he took them out, leaving behind the details of a drycleaner.
18.45
Dinner is silent. Relations between the brothers are becoming decidedly frosty. Mycroft now has a whipped cream toupee, and Sherlock has had to change his shirt due to an incident involving escaped frogs.
John does not wish to become involved in the proceedings.
19.53
John returns upstairs leaving Mycroft to fend for himself. Mycroft watches him depart with a plaintive expression.
20.17
Sherlock's ingenuity is still working after plan Omega: Hacking, and he returns to the English alphabet, adding superscripts.
21.32
John ignores the occasional shouts, bangs and various other odd noises (he's quite sure that there were some explosions) that reach him in his bedroom. Sherlock bangs on the door asking to borrow his gun; John refuses, and hides the gun in his shoes.
22.00
Mycroft retires from guard duty. It has been more tiring than usual, with Sherlock deprived of the distraction of John, and so free to bend the full power of his mind to the task at hand.
22.35
Everyone says good night. Mycroft has managed to remove all of the permanent marker from his face, although he thinks that his hair still smells sugary; John does not have the heart to tell him that he has missed the gunpowder smudges behind his left ear.
Sherlock is nursing some rather painful umbrella-inflicted injuries – John is unsympathetic.
23.59
John is not quite asleep when he hears sounds downstairs. Thinking there might be a burglar, and how Sherlock would laugh himself silly at such a breach of Mycroft's security, he goes down to investigate.
John discovers Sherlock halfway through successfully picking the lock of the cellar. Sherlock maintains that as it is midnight he is now allowed access to the alcohol. He is sent back to bed in disgrace.
06.00 Christmas Day –
Mycroft and Sherlock consider themselves most disagreeably woken up by John, still in his pyjamas, and heavily immersed in the Christmas spirit. Sherlock is the first to be woken, as his room is next to John's, and asks whether John really must behave like such a child. John, who has made himself a party hat out of Mycroft's morning newspaper says, yes he does, and get up before he overturns the mattress.
06.10
Sherlock grudgingly gets out of bed and pulls on his dressing gown. He is less than amused when John promptly sticks another paper hat on his head. It looks like a pirate's hat. Sherlock is slightly mollified, but does not say so.
John knows Sherlock likes the hat, but refrains from commenting.
Together they go to Mycroft's room. John shouts "Merry Christmas, Mycroft!" Mycroft wakes up like he's been electrocuted (a sensation he is unpleasantly familiar with due to an experiment of Sherlock's that went wrong when they were children, involving power sockets, butter knives and toasters). When he sees them and what time it is he groans and pulls the covers over his head.
Sherlock jumps on Mycroft's bed; John is pleased that Sherlock at last appears to be entering the spirit of things. Mycroft yells as Sherlock 'accidentally' lands on him.
John checks Mycroft's leg, which has a spectacular bruise (apparently Sherlock has very hard heels), and tries to make Sherlock apologise. Of course, Sherlock refuses, insisting it was an accident. John tries to comfort Mycroft with the paper crown he made him. Mycroft regards his crown somewhat sadly, wishing he could have read the paper before John cut it up.
06.35
John pulls the brothers downstairs, refusing to let Mycroft dress. A small argument breaks out in the hallway because Sherlock laughs at Mycroft's pyjamas. They happen to have a cake pattern on them.
06.49
John has managed to break up the fight (having discovered that the perfect way to do it is kicking the brothers in the ankles), which went on to contain insults from Mycroft about the shortness of Sherlock's pyjama trousers, returned with comments on the "enormous bulge" in the front of Mycroft's shirt, and shouldn't he have stuck to his diet in the lead up to Christmas?, replied with the fact that Sherlock ought to know what his own business is, and that he should be well aware of what will happen if he doesn't keep his nose out of other people's affairs. Sherlock thought this comment was particularly rich, coming from Mycroft, and said so.
07.00
Mycroft and Sherlock are now sulking; both have bruises on the backs of their ankles. John's toes are a little sore. They are sitting in front of the fire in the main lounge, all on different seats. No one is talking.
07.08
In an attempt to lighten the mood, John says they should open some general presents that they have received from other people. The Holmes brothers sullenly agree.
While John is upstairs retrieving the presents from their respective rooms, Sherlock takes the opportunity to slip in another remark about Mycroft's pyjamas.
07.24
John is coming down the stairs when he hears Sherlock shouting "Mycroft, get your blubber off me! Using the umbrella is cheating!", he rushes into the main lounge to find the brothers on the floor with Mycroft sitting on Sherlock's chest, demanding an apology, his umbrella pushed against Sherlock's shoulders to hold him down. John drops all the presents on a chair, and pulls Mycroft off Sherlock, and helps Sherlock to his feet. Both are quite red in the face.
John confiscates Mycroft's umbrella for the rest of Christmas. Mycroft is somewhat crestfallen. John also raps them both over the knuckles with it.
07.32
John separates out all the presents. Both brothers are sulking, again, and nursing rather painful hands. John decides to keep the umbrella nearby as an argument-deterrent.
07.46
Mycroft produces his special Christmas present for Sherlock from somewhere in his chair. Sherlock is distinctly nettled by Mycroft's craftiness, and makes a comment about exactly where in his pyjamas Mycroft managed to find room for the gift.
Mycroft smiles his best insincere smile; he is comforted by the fact that Sherlock must open his gift in front of John – Sherlock is aware of this.
07.50
Sherlock removes his customary ugly jumper from the wrappings. Mycroft has truly outdone himself this year – it is bogey green with pumpkin orange stripes and bright yellow bobbles all over it. Sherlock is furious.
John likes the jumper (both brothers now form the opinion that he is colour blind) and insists on Sherlock wearing it. Sherlock is even more furious. Mycroft is secretly pleased, and decides that having the jumper custom made to maximise its ugliness shall become a yearly process in his gift giving to Sherlock.
08.07
Whilst Mycroft remains smugly in his chair, and John unwraps normal presents, Sherlock sneaks out upstairs and comes back down with his special gift for Mycroft.
08.11
John is eager for Mycroft to open Sherlock's present – the brothers consider him to be most disagreeably infected with Christmas spirit, and his cheerfulness is somewhat alarming. Mycroft is distinctly uneasy at the smile on Sherlock's face.
08.15
It turns out that Sherlock's retaliation is a fat jumper. At first John mistakes it for a knitted chair cover and says so. Sherlock is highly amused. Mycroft is disgusted.
John insists on Mycroft putting on the jumper. Mycroft refuses.
08.17
John helps (forces) Mycroft into the jumper. It takes some time and is an operation that involves great tactical precision; John feels that manoeuvring Mycroft's limbs through the knitted fabric is somewhat akin to trying to get a person out of quicksand…or transferring jelly into a bowl.
Sherlock enjoys the spectacle of Mycroft's head being put through all the wrong holes multiple times.
08.32
Mycroft is now sitting in his chair, swamped by the jumper. He is most displeased and utterly rumpled; his hair has become tufty. It looks rather like he has sprouted four wooden legs; all the excess material is obscuring his chair and he looks fatter than ever.
John managed to discover the large cake knitted into the design of the front (which was how they actually figured out which way round it was supposed to go), and finds it somewhat amusing, although he is doing his very best to hide it. Mycroft feels ambivalent about the cake pattern, and is having difficulty in deciding whether he is more angry or pleased about it.
Sherlock makes a comment about the cake design matching Mycroft's pyjamas. Mycroft struggles with his emotions regarding the matter. John wonders what it is that has made him become so red in the face.
08.40
John decides that perhaps there has been enough present unwrapping for the moment (Mycroft and Sherlock appear to have engaged in some kind of a sullen staring competition, garbed in their respective jumpers), and thinks that it might be best if they have something to eat.
As soon as they enter the dining room, Sherlock makes a beeline for the brandy decanter.
John senses it is going to be a long day. Mycroft knows it.
09.30
John has watched Sherlock consume an unthinkably large liquid breakfast between eating his own food with an expression of stunned horror. Mycroft is too disgusted to watch, besides which, his special Christmas treat to himself (a flambéed Christmas pudding) mercifully arrived soon after Sherlock started his debauched re-creation of a bacchanal, and it deserved his undivided attention.
They return to the lounge. John is further surprised by the fact that Sherlock is managing to remain perpendicular to the ground, although at times he does borrow the support of walls and tables and go banana-shaped.
09.36
They continue opening their presents.
10.47
Among other things Sherlock opens some hand knitted scarves from Mrs Hudson, a riding crop the tag of which has the imprint of red lipsticked lips on it (no body comments on this), a job offer with the government from Mycroft (which he throws into the fire), a new set of laboratory equipment from Molly, as well as a rather fetching pair of fluffy pink earmuffs that he knows are from Lestrade.
John has received jumpers from almost every single person he knows – he is not sure why (Sherlock and Mycroft find this very amusing) – as well as tea mugs, a "new" phone from Harry (which Sherlock examines and reports is from another broken off relationship), and a children's doctor's kit without a tag. John is finding it difficult to tell whether this is from the Yard or the Holmes brothers. Lestrade has also given him a tiny medal (which Mycroft eagerly explains is sterling silver) with "Award for Britain's Most Patient Flatmate" engraved around the edge. Neither John, nor Sherlock are to know that Mycroft and Mrs Hudson contributed money for this. John is touched. Sherlock is drunkly belligerent about it.
Mycroft's gifts include a stack of free cake vouchers from Sherlock (which Mycroft pockets with attempted nonchalance), a rather large package of actual cakes from Mrs Hudson, a text message from "Andrea", several umbrellas, and a bottle of surprisingly good wine from Lestrade. Mycroft has to fight Sherlock off moments after he unwraps it, and ends up clutching the bottle like his first born child while John wrestles Sherlock to the ground and then back into his chair.
11.00
Mycroft eats cakes. Sherlock, still sulking from having the wine withheld from him, makes an unkind comment about the fact that he ought to have bought a larger fat jumper for Mycroft as, at the rate he's going, he won't be able to fit into it by lunch time.
John remonstrates Sherlock, but is unable to keep the thought that Mycroft (whose cheeks are full of cake as well as adorned plentifully with crumbs) looks like a particularly furious gerbil from running across his mind.
11.04
To break up the ill feeling, John decides it is time to reveal the reason why he has been so secretive for all of December. John prides himself on the fact that Sherlock has not been able to deduce his activities.
Sherlock has, in actual fact, formed certain suspicions about what John has been doing. Seeing John's gleeful expression of triumph, however, is more worthwhile than announcing his deductions, and Sherlock remains silent.
John goes upstairs to retrieve his gifts.
11.09
Sherlock's suspicions are confirmed the moment John places the gift in his hands. He has been working on his surprised face for weeks. However, when the moment arrives, Sherlock shows genuine surprise and pleasure.
John reveals that he before they left 221B he got Mrs Hudson to teach him how to knit, and that he has been working on jumpers for Sherlock and Mycroft all of December. His enthusiasm for the task, however, has far outstripped his skill, and both brothers' jumpers are somewhat misshapen and ugly; Mycroft thinks his has an extra head hole, and Sherlock's appears to have three arms – both brothers refrain from commenting on the additions that the other's has, and the inferences that might be made from them.
11.13
Sherlock is delighted that his jumper is his exact favourite shade of blue. John has no intention of telling Sherlock that he had to send away for the wool and wait while it was imported. Sherlock makes no comment on the pirate hat and eye patch that fall out of the wrapping as well, although John can tell from his smile that he is very pleased with them. Sherlock puts on the jumper; it fits surprisingly well, even with the addition of the third sleeve, which Sherlock wraps around his neck like a scarf. John is bashfully pleased.
Mycroft's reaction is somewhat less positive, however. Even holding the jumper up, it is easy to see that it is dramatically too small, and once put on, it somehow makes him look fat; half of his stomach is bare. Mycroft is most unamused – Sherlock is riotously so. John is embarrassed, and thinks it might be the umbrella pattern on the front that makes Mycroft look like he's gained several extra pounds, because once worn it becomes stretched at the sides and looks more like a black pumpkin than an umbrella. The rainbow striped umbrella hat that falls out of the package is also regarded with vague suspicion by Mycroft, who tries to make up his mind about which of his jumpers is worse – fat or thin.
11.17
Sherlock insists on Mycroft wearing his umbrella hat. Mycroft objects. Sherlock stuffs the hat on his head anyway and takes a picture before anyone can stop him. Mycroft's expression in the photograph is priceless.
11.23
Sherlock is saved from the wrath of an avenging older brother by the ringing of the telephone in Mycroft's study.
Mycroft exits with a disdainful flourish that is somewhat ruined by his too-small jumper and the happy rainbow colours of the umbrella hat.
11.25
John and Sherlock sit together amongst strewn wrapping paper and ribbons with their various gifts scattered about them in a disorderly array. They are both wearing multiple jumpers. John is wearing so many he seems to have put on enough weight to make a second body. Sherlock remarks he looks rather like Mycroft.
11.29
Sherlock is sulking from being told off by John about the Mycroft remark. He says he is bored. John rolls his eyes, but thinks that he was lucky that Sherlock's complaining stopped for as long as it did.
11.32
Mycroft briefly returns to the lounge to fetch something. John is in a chair, and Sherlock is lying on the floor amongst the wrapping paper; both are staring up at the ceiling. Mycroft follows their gaze; all of their jumpers are adorning the chandelier. It appears that John decided to occupy (entertain) Sherlock by making a game out of throwing the jumpers onto the chandelier.
Mycroft does not want to know.
11.41
While Mycroft is away, John tidies up the wrapping paper, and takes everyone's presents up to their rooms. When he returns, Sherlock is curled up on the hearth rug in front of the fire in a drunken sleep. He is wearing his pirate hat and eye patch.
John transfers him to a couch where he proceeds to drool on Mycroft's favourite cushion.
12.30
John has enjoyed a quiet break reading in the lounge, interrupted only by Sherlock's occasional snuffling snorts and drabbles of unintelligible sleep talking.
Mycroft orders an early lunch.
12.38
Sherlock is violently sick. He only just makes it to the bathroom in time. Apparently eating lunch with famished gusto after making a breakfast out of eight glasses of nineteenth century wine and three tumblers of brandy does not mix well.
Mycroft has an expression of amused superiority until John makes a passing comment about the waste of fine alcohol. Mycroft's expression becomes sour.
12.49
Sherlock re-joins the table, but is somewhat more cautious in his eating and drinking. Mycroft vindictively eats with more relish than necessary, and pours out brandy from the decanter with theatrical flourish. John thinks that Sherlock's face is paler than usual.
13.15
Everyone returns to the lounge. Sherlock is nursing a bottle of Napoleon brandy inside his dressing gown, and a small flask of Benedictine in his pocket. He is determined not to remain sober for longer than he can help it.
13.16
Mycroft inadvertently sits on Sherlock's drool soaked pillow. It takes several minutes before he realises, by which time it has soaked through the seat of his dressing gown and pyjamas.
He throws the pillow at Sherlock's head. Unfortunately, Sherlock is drinking the Benedictine at the time, and spills it all down his front.
13.18
Mycroft has a small tantrum; Sherlock sucks thoughtfully on his pyjama shirt, extracting the Benedictine from the fabric – it appears to taste quite good that way. John watches as Sherlock pours some more of the alcohol out of the flask and onto his pyjama shirt.
13.24
The brothers go upstairs to change after a discussion in which John insists that they do not put on proper clothes, but remain in their pyjamas and dressing gowns all day; Mycroft begins to voice vague objections, but is halted by a freshly drunken Sherlock planting his sticky and alcoholic hand across his face.
13.27
A freshly dressed Sherlock re-joins John in the lounge. John tries to figure out whether the alcoholic fumes wafting off his friend are from the spilled liquor or because Sherlock has drunk too much. He decides in favour of the latter conclusion.
13.28
They are joined by a sour faced, but obediently pyjama clad Mycroft. John tries to cheer him up by putting the paper crown on his head once more. It does not work very well.
13.32
Sherlock decides to go and make eggnog. John thinks this is a bad idea, and follows him out into the hall. Apparently Sherlock becomes childishly violent when inebriated, and pushes John away.
A rather fine Ming vase in the hall is smashed. Sherlock is oblivious, and already tinkering in the kitchen. John is horrified.
13.33
John thinks it best not to tell Mycroft about the smashed vase. At least, not until he's at least a little drunk. He hides the pieces in the coat cupboard under the stairs.
13.34
Mycroft feels vaguely uneasy at the way John is whistling when he comes back into the room. He decides not to ask any questions; Christmas Day with Sherlock around is the only time when he indulges in letting his ignorance be bliss.
13.40
Sherlock returns triumphantly wielding a rather large saucepan of what he announces to be eggnog. John is suspicious. Sherlock's paper pirate had is askew and he looks somewhat odd in Mycroft's favourite apron (which is patterned with umbrellas and red telephones).
13.41
Sherlock returns to the kitchen to make mulled wine.
13.43
There is a sudden report and muffled explosion from the direction of the kitchen. Neither Mycroft nor John wish to investigate.
13.44
Mycroft begins to indulge in the alcohol in order to cope with the issues of the day. He has vague suspicions that he will regret it in the morning. John wonders whether it is possible to get food poisoning from what is (hopefully) eggnog. He considers Mycroft's choice to down two glasses an extremely bad one.
13.56
Sherlock returns from the kitchen, rather soot blackened, with a steaming punch bowl of what he says is mulled wine. As he takes it past, John feels light headed from the alcohol fumes that waft out. He decides not to drink any.
14.00
A tearful Sherlock presses what John thinks is a very old and somewhat shabby teddy bear on Mycroft, with a wailing apology for taking it twenty three years ago. Mycroft's expression is one of indignant fury, revelation and child-like thankfulness.
Sherlock violently objects to the removal of the bear's eye patch. Mycroft appears content enough to leave it there, and drinks his third glass of mulled wine.
14.06
Mycroft's cheeks are now decidedly ruddy, and the end of his nose has gone quite shiny; he looks rather like a Father Christmas that has overindulged on the eggnog, minus the white hair and beard. Even Sherlock appears to have consumed sufficient quantities of alcohol for a slight flush to have risen in his face, and he has started hiccupping.
14.15
John is not quite sure what to do with the two drunken brothers. He decides to call Lestrade. The equally drunken DI answers. John is starting to get frustrated. He accidentally hits the speaker phone button. Mycroft and Sherlock eagerly take possession of John's mobile and a lot of earnest but inane drunken gabbling ensues between the Detective Inspector, the Consulting Detective, and the man who holds a minor position in the British Government.
John wishes he had his phone back so he could video them.
14.38
Sherlock and Mycroft decide to stage a farce. Both stagger upstairs (John does not know how they manage it, although he does hear the sound of bodies sliding backwards down the stairs several times) in order to properly outfit themselves.
14.57
The brothers return. Sherlock has managed to find a top hat and evening gloves, and has accessorised with his eye patch and a pipe. He also has a feather behind one ear and has draped several trailing bed sheets about himself. Mycroft is wearing a monocle in each eye and an admiral's hat; he has drawn on half a moustache and carries a pair of opera glasses. John wonders why Mycroft would possess the matador's cloak that he has hung off one shoulder.
15.12
The brothers force John to be their audience.
They choose entirely different books from the shelf (John is fairly sure that Sherlock has chosen a book on bees, and Mycroft appears to be holding a copy of cake recipes), and attempt to read the words on their respective pages, which are being decidedly unhelpful and whizzing in and out of focus.
15.27
Mycroft and Sherlock have discarded their books, and are now disjointedly declaiming at each other and acting as if they are presenting a complete play.
Fortunately, Sherlock has remained pyjamaed beneath his sheets, as they unwind several times, and Mycroft stops himself from falling after tripping by catching himself with his face in the pillows on the couches.
15.31
Sherlock continues to orate while gesturing with an open decanter of wine that regularly splatters the room with its contents and which he frequently takes swigs from, and Mycroft has stuck his head in the punch bowl of mulled wine, having given up using the ladle as a bad job.
John is too bewildered to think of doing anything to stop them.
15.47
Mycroft is slumped on the floor hugging the now empty punch bowl; he is humming absently to himself between muttered orders and various other unintelligible burbling.
Sherlock has moved on to conducting an imaginary orchestra using his riding crop as a baton.
15. 52
Mycroft is now snoring and using the punch bowl as a pillow. Sherlock is singing to himself in a corner and hugging the teddy bear. John thinks he might follow Mycroft's lead and try for a quick nap now that Sherlock seems to have calmed down.
16.39
John wakes to the sound of Mycroft and Sherlock having a serious debate about the merits of custard mixed with eggnog. He goes back to sleep.
17.01
John wakes up to find that he has been covered with tinsel that he later discovers to have come from the balustrade of the staircase. Mycroft is flopping around on the ground and whistling like a kettle – apparently he thinks he is a happy dolphin – while Sherlock is giving a stern lecture to the chess pieces on the proper way to behave.
17.24
Sherlock disappears outside for a little while (having consigned various misbehaving chess pieces to places of disgrace about the room). John is concerned that he will hurt himself in the dark, or trip and fall face first into the pond and drown himself.
17.27
Sherlock returns bearing a great deal of green stuff in his hands. It turns out to be ivy. Sherlock makes three leafy circlets and christens each of them, including himself, with them with a mien of great solemnity and honour. Mycroft's expression looks like he's just been knighted.
17.50
Dinner is served. John hustles the brothers into the dining room with some difficulty.
18.20
Sherlock uses his knife as a catapult to shoot his peas across the room; one ends up in John's ear. Mycroft is dining heartily on cake, and does not really seem to be that concerned with anything else; there is cream and icing everywhere. John is seriously considering getting seriously sloshed just so he doesn't have to deal with the brothers any more.
19.11
Dinner ends; mash potato plentifully adorns the walls and peas look like bullet holes over most surfaces. The bread rolls are strewn about the floor where they have bounced off the walls (Sherlock and Mycroft having engaged in a minor war that revolved mainly around the trading of bread rolls and butter in the form of ammunition), and the jelly has settled in a recumbent attitude where Sherlock left it in the coal scuttle. Mycroft finished off his dinner of desert by eating spray cream out of the can – Sherlock found this idea ingenious, and used another can to write occasionally obscene messages on the table top to no one in particular.
John had a stiff brandy…and a double scotch…and several glasses of wine.
19.15
Sherlock and Mycroft return to the lounge whilst John gets changed; his dressing gown has too much mash potato, pea residue and cream for his liking. He finds some peas in his underpants, and is confused.
19.16
Sherlock has the brilliantly dangerous idea of returning to the chandelier. Mycroft agrees on it being a marvellous suggestion. John is fortunately not there to watch with trepidation as they make their way up to their perch.
When he does come back in, he will come as near to passing out from shock as he has ever come in his life.
19.23
Sherlock gets somewhat over excited at John's return, and becomes agitated at John's warnings and demands that he and Mycroft come back down now. It is when he is leaning between two of the crystal arms of the chandelier that he over balances, and falls down onto the floor.
John rushes over, but it appears that Sherlock is so drunk that he sustained no injuries from the impact. Mycroft is giggling amongst the crystals.
19.34
When Sherlock at last manages to stand he staggers (somewhat threateningly, even though he is wearing his pink earmuffs) towards John, insisting that it's fun up there, and that he should try it. Mycroft joins in with Sherlock's entreaties, sitting on a crystal arm and swinging wildly like a child on a swing set (although he proclaims that he is actually the Queen of England, and orders to be addressed by the appropriate titles).
John has to flee the room in order to keep himself safe from Sherlock's insistence.
Sherlock returns to the chandelier.
19.44
From in his room John can hear the muffled talking of the brothers, as well as the odd burst of raucous laughter or giggling between loud and slurred bouts of untuned singing. Often they are not singing the same song.
John hopes it is all some sort of hellish dream, but he knows it is mainly wishful thinking.
20.00
John partly supports, largely carries first Sherlock then Mycroft upstairs to their rooms; having a shower or bath is out of the question. Three steps up with Sherlock, he decides it is easier simply to sling him over his shoulder. Sherlock is so tall that his fingers drag along the ground as John huffs up the stairs, and he makes odd burbling remarks about "the bubbles" between injunctions to bring more wine and to set up a tea party on the lawn. He is still wearing his earmuffs and pirate hat. The eye patch has long since slipped down his face, and has settled on one cheekbone.
When it is Mycroft's turn he demands, "Unhand me, minion! Is that the way you treat your ruler?" and kicks his feet like a small child; his paper crown is thoroughly askew (he would not let John remove it, shrieking when he did).
20.41
John has a shower and goes to bed; he very much hopes that he will not remember the day tomorrow.
14.28 – Boxing Day
Sherlock wakes up to the smell of stale alcohol and squashed peas, with a hangover that feels like he has put his brain through a mincer to fill up the time whilst his skull was used as a jackhammer. He does not remember any of the events of the previous day, and wonders why he is wearing pink earmuffs and an eye patch.
Very soon sleep returns to claim him.
15.36
Mycroft begins to fade into consciousness, which he thoroughly regrets. His eyes are having more trouble than usual at focussing, and all he can smell is cream although he cannot remember that is what it is called. His brain is hiding somewhere in his skull, and his consciousness is doing it's very best to run away. Everything hurts, and the odd lost thought jellyfishes across his utterly blank mental horizon, which is currently a excruciatingly bright canvas of pain.
15.52
Mycroft has manage to gather enough strength to attempt to sit up (he has spent most of the past twenty minutes remembering how to move his limbs). He fails abysmally at doing so. His pillow is stuck to his face. There is a ring of entwined ivy leaves around his neck, and for a moment he thinks he is back in university.
16.00
John thinks it time that he wakes the brothers up. He himself woke up with a slightly muzzy head at noon, although with near perfect recollection of the previous day. He thoroughly regrets not drinking more.
When he enters Mycroft's room and opens the curtains (at which Mycroft attempts a hoarse yell of pain), Mycroft looks at him with eyes that look rather like over dried raisins; they are very small and squinty. John makes the accurate assessment that Mycroft remembers very little of the previous day, and thinks, after seeing the post-apocalyptic bombshell state that the elder Holmes brother is in, that perhaps he is actually rather glad after all that he didn't drink enough to blot out his memories of the previous twenty four hours.
16.49
John progresses to Sherlock's room after putting warm flannels on Mycroft's face to help wake him up (he did not think it fair to use cold water).
John walks in to find Sherlock draped across the bed in a thoroughly indecent pose that also seems to require a great deal of acrobatic skill to maintain. He is still wearing the pink earmuffs. John considers taking a photo and sending it to Lestrade, but decides against in on the basis that the DI is probably too hung over himself to make much sense of it, and that Sherlock will strangle him if he ever finds out while sober.
John attempts to wake his friend, and receives Sherlock's elbow to the stomach for his pains.
17.23
Sherlock eventually flops out of bed and on to the floor. It is entirely unintentional. His entire body feels like it is made of jelly. He winces when John leaves, shutting the door behind him.
The rest of Boxing Day is spent largely in warm baths for the Holmes brothers, eating a cure of a large fried late lunch with a little brandy, and groaning at all noises louder than the shake of a salt shaker.
The next day they are better recovered, though Mycroft maintains that the sight in his left eye is not what it ought to be. Sherlock appears to have rallied well, though his memory of Christmas Day is restricted to information that he will not share with anyone (largely unfocussed flashes of riding crops, ivy, jumpers, chess pieces, and various decanters of alcohol).
After dinner, John presents the brothers with some photographs of "happy memories". The expressions on their faces are supremely eloquent in outlining just how much they disagree with John's assessment of the photograph's contents. There are several of a gleeful Mycroft with his face covered in a mixture of cream and cake, as well as Sherlock hanging upside down from the chandelier with his shirt over his face, brandishing his riding crop and wearing pink fluffy earmuffs. For once, neither brother can find words that adequately express their feelings.
Mycroft makes the note of confiscating all photographic equipment from John next year.