Caillou's Wonderland

Mike: Canada were forced to hand over the rights to a giant baby.

Crow: But since France said no, they gave it to Caillou.

One summer morning, much like today, it was 60°F outside and partly cloudy. You

and Caillou were walking down the street

Servo: ME and Caillou were walking...in what reality would I ever want to know this whiny boy?

until suddenly Caillou asks you with an

evil grin on his face "Do you know what it feels like to die?" To which you

reply

Crow: Well, we did read a few stories by The 6ft Dick.

"No." He then asks "Do you want to know what it feels like to die?"

Servo: Again, The 6ft Dick.

You

think for a few seconds and respond with another "No."

Mike: You were about to say "Yes", but then you realized you weren't insane.

This causes Caillou to

switch his evil, mischievous grin for an angry, disappointed scowl. "W-what?!

Why not?!" Caillou asks astonished.

Mike: Because we are not Goths.

You just shrug, Caillou is still upset, but

keeps quiet while you two keep on walking.

Crow: He's still walking with...are you seriously STILL walking with this maniac?!

Servo: Apprantly, WE have no friends.

You then both walk by a park. Caillou jumps up and down frantically, telling you

to join him for some playtime.

Mike: We've read enough 6ft Dick to know what THAT means.

You agree. Caillou, with his back hunched as he

lets out a creepy smile and rubs his hands together, says "Let's slide down the

slide."

Crow: Time for a game of disappearing idiots.

He lets out, feverish, eerie laughs as you both approach the slides.

Servo: He seems like a nice boy...to Charlie Manson!

Then you, like the clueless retard you are, have not been taking the uncanny

little brat's scary questions and actions seriously, instead of running away

you follow him.

Mike: I don't think the author mentioned the blood that was all over his shirt.

Crow: Well, to be fair, it's not his blood.

Servo: Anyone going to mention the fact that the author called us a clueless retard?

You are now on top of the slide. Caillou eyes you like spider would to a fly and says "Why don't you go in first?"

Crow: Spiders can talk. Letting you all know that right now.

You just nod your head in agreement. As you enter the slide and are already 2-feet in you hear Caillou laughing like a maniac.

Mike: Being a clueless retard, you think that laughter is joy.

Crow: Being a clueless retard, you're friends with Caillou.

You continue to slide down, but 3 feet before the exit you are stopped. It looks like someone welded bars to the slide, making it impossible to exit it through the normal route.

Servo: How? Did Caillou have a bunch of welded bars somewhere?

Crow: I was going to say something about how he got those bars there in 2 seconds flat.

Trapped, You panic and try to take the unorthodox exit by climbing up the slide. Yet, you fail, you slip down on every try. Caillou hears the thud your body makes against the slide as you fail multiple times to escape, this causes him to emit a frenzy of hysterical laughs.

Mike: Good God, Culkin's character in The Good Son was subtle compared to this boy.

Servo: The Good Son drowned his brother and put his sister into a coma...Mike, may we PLEASE watch The Good Son?

Mike: Yes, yes, a thousand and one times yes.

You then realize there is no hope of getting out, so you lay there, giving up on any more attempts to leave.

Crow: Yeah, don't try to call out to anyone, just wait for eventual death.

Caillou then finally says in a feverish tone "I'm coming down . My turn now!" Caillou dashes down the slide, with knife in hand, he pounces on you and stabs you until you die!

Servo: How would he pounce when he in the slide?

Mike: Caillou dashes down the slide, with knife in hand, he pounces on you and hits his head hard on the roof.

Soon blood began to drip down the slide and unto the bark in the playground.

Crow: Saturday nights in Boston.

Then you wake up in your attic and realize it was all a dream.

Mike: In reality, you killed Caillou and you woke to find his body beside you.

Somehow you have a VHS titled "Caillou's Lost Episode" in your right hand.

Servo: Caillou's version of The Helet Skelter Murders has finally been released.

Curious, you put it in your VHS and press play.

Servo: Wow, this IS pretty scary.

Mike: How do you find this scary?

Servo: The fact that this kid KNOWS what VHS.

Mike: Yeah, that is a bit unnerving. No eight year old knows what a cassette is.

The shows starts normally with the usual

"I'm just a kid who is four,

each day I grow some more,

I like exploring, Im Caillou" .

All: The Loser.

Once the main theme ends and the show starts, the camera is focused on Caillou. Except he has hyper-realistic bloodshot eyes, a black shirt with skulls on it, and he is covered in blood.

Crow: Being a clueless retard, you see this as an everyday occurence.

A few minutes into the show, Mommy, Daddy and Rosie entered the room. Caillou's family was shocked to see him that way.

Mike: He usually had soulless black eyes.

They stared at his eyes, soon they turned into skeletons. Caillou then proceeded to playschool and turned Sarah, Clementine, Jim, Andre, the rest of his classmates and teachers into skeletons.

Crow: Then he came out of the school, bloodied, and the school was on fire.

Then the screen flashed black and white and there appeared red letters that read "You are next." The t.v. then turned off and you saw your own reflection to realize that you too became a skeleton.

Mike: I'm looking at a mirror right now but I'm not a skeleton.

Servo: But you're just as scary.

Mike: Well-hey!

But then you wake up and realize that you didn't turn into skeleton, however, the "Caillou's Lost Episode" VHS was still real.

Crow: Burn it, it'll save you a lot of trouble.

The next day the Kid's Cartoon Convention was conveniently being held in your town.

Servo: Cartoon Convention...here?

All: (laugh)

You went there and met up with Christine L'Heureux -creator of the Caillou show. You speak to her and realize she is very good and kind person.

Mike: But anyone who thought up Caillou MUST have some sort of psycological scars this side of the Winchester brothers.

Crow: Yeah, but they have an excuse.

Once you gained her trust a little, you ask her about the lost episode. As she heard your question regarding why it was created, she stared blankly and silently into space, her eyes began to water.

Servo: She then took out an old army helmet and started shooting up the joint.

After snapping out of the gloomy trance she was in spoke up

Crow: Well, she screamed, "ATTACA! ATTACA!"

" There are many things in this world that I don't why they happen, they just do. That episode of Caillou you speak of is one of them. Please, don't ever mention it again, I beg you!" she said calmly in between sobs.

Mike: So, did she see the tape? Why isn't she a skeleton?

At the convention, you also learn that all three voices behind Caillou to ever exist were three hot girls named Jaclyn Lynetsky, Annie Bovaird, and Bryn McAuley. You didn't know whether to be turned on by their voices -the ladies being hot and all (they are all 20 something years old, but Lynetsky died when she was 17)-

Servo: Let's hope the author of this story isn't under 18...

Crow: ...because saying that an underaged dead girl is...

Mike: Our Evidence A, B and C.

or be annoyed by their voices since they are those of the whiniest little tard to ever be written into a cartoon.

Mike: Well, to be fair, they were children when they voiced a cartoon child.

Mind-blown and distraught, you run to your house and decide to kill yourself after witnessing today's revelations.

Crow: Mike, I may have skipped a few pages so let me get this straight: we are driven to suicide because three attractive women, one of whom died in a car accident, voiced a crappy, whiny boy in their young ages.

Mike: Yes. Apparantly.

Crow: Ok, only one thing has been driven to suicide...it's called logic.

Being the dumbass you are, you shot yourself with a tranquilizer gun rather than real one, you scrub!

Servo: Also, being a dumbass, you didn't check whether or not they are tranq guns or real guns.

You later wake up and realize you aren't home anymore.

Mike: You were in Hell.

Servo: Also known as Caillou's house.

You are in some room cushioned all over the floor and walls with a red silky cloth of some sort, there are also many pillows and curtains. The aroma of onions and lube fill your nose, burning your hairs.

Crow: Correction, Servo. David Lynch's version of Caillou's house.

You look out the window and find that you are in a swamp. You turn around to see various anthropomorphic beings behind you.

Mike: Kardashians?

One was a sponge wearing brown ,square pants, a blue hedgehog, a black and red hedgehog, an aardvark wearing a yellow sweater and blue jeans and glasses, some fat man in a yellow shirt with purple overalls and yellow hat with a "W" in the middle, Chris Thorndyke from Sonic X, Ash Ketchum, Master Chief and a whole bunch of other retards.

Servo: I don't know if the author knows what the word 'retard' is, but it is a fact that Master Chief is NOT one.

"Where am I?" You say to all those weirdos. "Why, your in the dear, supreme leader Shrek the ogrelord of the best korea, North Korea's super, special, secret harem ," said spongebob. " It's been a week since he has taken over the country and he has now brought it to a new age of peace and prosperity," added Sanic.

Crow: I'm sorry, I thought the title of this was "Caillou's Wonderland", not "Shrek Makes Friends With Kil-Jung Un.

Sanic was right. Shrek took North Korea and renamed it to "The People's Sexy Shrekist Republic of North Korea. Shrek had invented a new form of communism in which the government must print 10,000 North Korean Shrokars (NKSHRK) -the countries newest currency- for everyone of it's citizens.

Servo: Well, this story decided to unhinge itself from its own story. It's like if Inception was drunk.

Mike: While we're off topic in this story, can someone tell me WHY this is an adventure/poetry hybrid?

One NKSHRK was worth a whopping $20 USD, making Shrekist Korea the world's #1 world power. Butthurt, the capitalists americans decided to go to the new North Korea and take their jerbs!

Crow: If you spell the word 'jobs' like 'jerbs', you are definitely an American.

Well, the whole world was butthurt, but the 'Muricans even more since they were so rudely taken off the #1 spot on greatest economic powers.

Mike: And nothing of value was lost.

Soon, millions of illegal, undocumented american aliens flooded the North Korean border and some even obtained citizenship.

Servo: How the Hell did we go from a whiny kid murdering people to an angry ogre taking over North Korea?!

Suddenly, a man's voice with a scottish accent calls out your name from behind white curtains.

All: ROSDOWER!

You approach the room and enter to find out it's shrek, omg! That was never hinted at, right? Anyway he sees you enter as he lays on a bed. "Hi, there. It's your turn to have some fun," says Shrek, moving his brows up and down.

Crow: How would you like to be a woman?

Servo: Please, no.

He gets up and grabs you against your will.

Mike: Oh God.

You scream so loud that it is heard through out all North Korea, or at least would be if it weren't for all the north Koreans building replica cities of Dubai and Singapore all around the country to accommodate their newly rich population .

Servo: The violent commotion in the city was an everyday occurence.

Shuerk puts you on all fours and-

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Scene missing

All: THANK YOU, GOD!

-It was finally over... Shrek, now spooning you, tells you how impressed he was that he makes you vice president.

Crow: In a way Obama became President.

Servo: Apologies to all Obama suppoters.

Mike: We didn't mean to offend both of you.

You live the rest of your life with a net worth of 2,000,000,000 North Korean Shrokars.

Servo: A couple of tripes to the gas station later and only 1,000,000,000 NKS remained.

Mike: NKS are worth about as much as a Limp Bizkit album...absolutely worthless.

Then you wake up and realize it was all real, except for the parts that were dreams.

The End

Crow: I'm...what?! He woke up from a nightmare, which he landed in after he woke up from a dream? WHAT IS THIS?!

Mike: Try not to think about it. The author of this was obviously some sort of idiotic troll. Who was the author again?

Servo: Gheb The Schmexy. All together.

Crow and Mike: Gheb The Schmexy.

Servo: -sigh-

Keep circulating the stories!