Chapter 13: Goodbye

Author's Note!

Helloooooooo readers! :)) I've missed you all so deeply. Too deeply! So. Here's something! However :) This is chapter happens after Chapter 12 of my previous story "Fifty Shades of Infidelity". During the course of the story, there was another camp who wanted Ethan with Ana. So here's an alternate reality :) Hope you enjoy.

At Christian's words, my heart self-destructed. It shattered into tiny little pieces and I leaned against the door entirely. My sobbing grew louder. I could not do this. I shook my head, rolling the back of my scalp against the wooden door. I can not do this.

I just could not.

I palmed my face and dried my tears, trying to clog the hole in the dam. "Ana, are you okay?" Christian pressed, his voice so close that I jumped from the door. In answer, I cried louder.

My attempt to forgive him and walk right back into his life has failed. I scanned the room and remembered my time living in here. I should have known he was too twisted to fix. I should have known that I was walking down the wrong road. A wayward road that was Christian Grey.

But he was our beautiful man, my inner goddess shook her head at me.

She was right. Christian had been the one man to change me, to give me purpose to desire love. My heart had responded to him the day I set eyes on him. But... How could I let go of his mistake? I would never be able to.

"Ana, I'm going to come in if you don't come out." Christian warned. Even though he was trying to be stern, worry etched his voice and it just stabbed my heart of ashes even more.

"P-"My voice cut off. "Pl-" I sobbed, uncontrollably. "Please d-d-d-don't." Whimpering, I curled into a ball by the bed side table.

Christian could not come in, not when I was in this shape. Not when I was under this dark cloud. A dark cloud that was telling me that Christian and I could no longer be together. Christian could not come in. Not when I was buying every word the dark cloud was saying.

But Christian had been my all. I thought of the times that he had revealed his stalker ways. My brain hit play on our memory reel. The first time I met him... His beautiful grey eyes that beckoned to me. After that, I had thought I would never see him again.

That was why the second time I had seen him came to me as a surprise. Christian had appeared in my shop, disorienting my boss. This particular memory drew out a giggle from me and I found myself smiling. He had come in to buy cable cords. If only I had known then. I laughed a little once more.

I drew my legs into my chest and felt the tears trickle down onto the wooden floor. Each memory had its own special quality, each it's own unique emotion that Christian and I had shared.

"Anastasia?" Christian whispered after a long time.

The sound of his voice jerked my memory train to the day I found out. The day he had confessed to making love to Leila. My inner goddess now fell silent, finally understanding why I had made the decision.

Scanning the room once more, I located it. I rose from my position, pins and needles spreading through my feet. Hobbling, I wiped my tears methodically as I directed myself to the phone.

Biting my bottom lip, I thought about calling Ethan. But then decided against it when I remembered that he had a rough night no thanks to me. Jabbing in the buttons, I heard Christian beckon me to answer me once more.

"Hello, who is this?" I sighed at the voice, a voice that had seen me through thick and thin. A voice that had soothed me through my grandparents funerals and the voice that had sung my birthday songs.

"It's... Ana." My voice drifted a little, strained from all the crying.

"Ana?" The voice was shocked. "Oh, my dear Ana. Where are you? Are you alright?"

That only made me cry more. I hated being asked if I was alright. It only made me feel like I was even more broken. "Sweetheart, where are you? I'll come get you."

"Christian's." I choked out.

"Ana? Who are you talking to?" Christian questioned.

"Right away. Don't move." I heard car keys and a door slamming.

"Thank you." I whispered, putting down the phone.

"Anastasia?" Christian called once more, urgent.

I was going to miss him. But this was the best for the both of us. He could go back to living in his BDSM universe, running the world from his tower in Escala. I could return to living my normal life. One without Christian.

Sighing, I decided it was time to say my goodbyes. "Give me a minute, Christian." I said a little loudly so he would not miss it.

"Alright," I heard him heave a sigh of relief. "Take your time, baby."

I flinched. More evidence that we could not continue. I headed to the toilet and pursed my lips at my reflection. I was a train wreck. Sighing, I turned on the tap and washed my blotchy red eyes away. I baptized them seven times to no avail. Surrendering, I worked on my hair. Crazy tangles and knots had gotten into them and it was all I could do was to loosen them with my fingers. There was nothing useful in this toilet.

Nothing showing that life had been here. No Leila.

My inner goddess remained silent, unable to decide who's side she was going to take.

"Better now than later, Steele." I coached myself, waving my finger at the mirror. "Whether you're ugly as hell or not." Straightening my blouse, I decided it was time. It was time to face my kryptonite. As I walked through the shadow of the valley of the dead… I clenched my jaw in anticipation.

I unlocked the door. I put my hand on the handle and breathed, shaking nervously. Christian must have decided to be patient and give me enough space, because I found him leaning against the opposite wall. Looking like a greek sex god, he had his hands tucked into his jeans pocket with one leg bent against the wall. Christian's eyes were downcast and I swallowed, anticipating his…

Finishing my sentence, Christian's grey eyes torched mine. I lost my breath.

Pain saturated his beautiful eyes upon meeting mine. "I hate making you cry." Christian growled, "I can't seem to make you laugh anymore."

"That's what I need to talk to you about, Christian." I cleared my throat to sound a little more professional.

Christian sighed and put his foot down, straightening his stance to receive me. With his hands still tucked in, he dragged himself to stop in front of me. This scene was too awkward for me, too forced… He knows something is up.

"Christian, I think this," I gesticulated to us, "is over."

His head snapped up and his jaws clenched, "No." He folded his arms across his chest and shook his head.

"It's hard enough for me to say that, Christian." I was exasperated, not even wanting to deliberate any second longer. "Please just let me be."

"Ana, no." Christian balled his fists, his expression so stormy that I wanted to take a step back. "I can't afford to lose you."

It made me feel so sorry for him. "Look at us now," I flattened my lips and shook my head at him, "I think you've already lost me."

There was a tear in Christian's plastic expression, a line of raw emotion that hardly anyone could get the opportunity to see. He was tearing at the seams. "I can fix this, I can fix us."

"I'd really like to believe that, Christian, I really do." Even my voice was saturated with pure desire for us to be right again. "But look at me, I can't even stand the sight of you anymore."

Christian's eyebrows furrowed and his voice was soft, "You can't?"

My breathing came hard and I felt the tears prick in my eyes, "I love you, but everytime I look at your beautiful face…" The first tears rolled down my cheeks and blurred my vision, "I remember everything."

I watched as Christian's eyes became glassy, brimming with the waterworks that I had never once seen. Christian's breathing became controlled, scrutinized to the point where he could attempt to hold back the tears. Clearly, he's never been one to cry in consciousness. But was it that bad to cry in front of me? He had done it multiple times in his sleep before.

To stand here and watch my gorgeous man break, crumbling into pieces, I was guilty. The pain choked me where it hurt and I felt a strong uncomfortable suction build up in my chest. I love this man, but I could no longer be with him.

Suddenly, he closed himself from me. Christian's eyes fluttered close and he took a step backwards. I let my own tears spill as I watched a small tiny drop manifest at the corner of his eye. "Where will you go?" He asked, a hand flying up to erase the evidence.

I could barely believe what I had just done. I had made Christian cry. I was now a parallel to his deepest nightmares of his mother and of the pimp. I was someone who hurt him. How could I stand myself? The tears came harder.

"Where will you go, Anastasia?" His tone was monotonous, devout of all emotion.

That only pained me more and I had to close my eyes to stop torturing myself.

"I'm going back to my apartment, Christian." I managed to say without any awkward breaks.

He nodded, "Taylor will send you."

"No, it's alright." I told my statue.

Our eyes opened together and met, tangling in the mess of Grey and Blue that was once filled with love. Now, filled with caution and remorse on both sides. "No, Taylor will take you."

"I have a ride." I told Christian, contemplating reaching out to touch him. "I don't want to fight about this."

"Mr Grey," Taylor stepped forward, aware of the sky-high tension in the room. "Miss Kavanagh is requesting access to the penthouse."

"It's alright, Taylor." I said before Christian could. "I'm going down."

Taylor's eyes flickered to Christian's, as if waiting for a confirmation. Christian gave him a slight nod of his head, such a small minute gesture that only Taylor would be attuned to catch. He shuffled off.

"This is goodbye." I muttered, lifting my hand to offer him a handshake.

Christian's eyes narrowed at the gesture and he looked intensely displeased. "Goodbye." He said, icily.

The ashes that were my heart further disintegrated at his word. Stowing my hand, I fought off the tears as I turned to leave. This was goodbye and yet, he would not even touch me. It was proof enough that I had scarred him too deeply. My touch no longer signified love but rather, torture on his side. I had just lost the one man I had ever loved.

Without warning, his arms fastened around me. A cross against my chest. I began to turn. "D-on't." He stuttered, crying. I squeezed my eyes shut and cried along with him. His chest against mine felt so right, his breath against my ear. Everything was perfect. But things had changed. We could no longer be the messed up couple who was deeply in love. He had changed that on his own.

It broke me further when I felt his tears meet the crook of my neck. I would have never thought a heard could shatter more than it already did, but my heart tore itself apart and vanished into thin air. It's beating lost with the blood sputtering in all directions as it disappeared.

"I'm s-or-ry, C-c-h-ristian." I forced the words past my heaving chest.

"No," He sobbed, "I am sorry, A-nastas-ia."

For the last time, he pressed his smooth and warm lips against my neck and lingered. I thought of all the times those lips had made me happy, the words that came out of them. I was going to lose all of that in this moment. "Goodbye." He said, his arms dropping to the side.

I heard him move and moments later, a door slammed. It was over. I sobbed. If this was right for me, then why did it all feel so wrong? My legs took on their own life, taking the steps as I made my way down. I had imagined leaving Christian to be somewhat liberating, but I could not even feel anything but torment.

"Oh, Ms Steele." Gail began to cry as I passed her.

Without stopping, I continued towards the lifts. I did not feel like talking to anyone. I did not feel like talking at all. All I wanted to do was to sit and wallow in this self-pity that was my lost of Christian Trevylyan-Grey. It was all over.

My head was drooped, but I made out Taylor's shoes on my left and Sawyer's shoes on my right as the elevator pinged. Dragging my feet just as Christian had done, I hauled myself into the elevator. I did not even make an effort to turn around. All I could do was face the elevator wall the way I had come in.

As the elevator descended, I found myself closer to my own personal hell.

Okay! So what do you guys think? Review!

Goodbye; Avril Lavigne