Like, this is my first fanfic, so like, yeah. I hope you, like, enjoy!

I like, totally have a beta reader, and she is like, teh best!

"You guys," Tony said one morning, sauntering sexily into the kitchen where the Avengers were assembled in a sunny breakfast nook, "I've been thinking about it, and I think we all should fuck."

Steve looked up from his morning paper. He was too technologically incompetent to use a laptop or a tablet, so he had to read the analog version. He agreed with Tony, "I think that's a swell idea. Despite the fact that four out of six of us are movieverse-canonically heterosexuals, I think a large orgy between five men and one woman would be the bees knees. Also, the fact that I am from the 1940s and might find open homosexuality and group sex a little odd has no bearing here whatsoever."

Bruce peered over his glasses intelligently. "You know, I sometimes turn into a large green rage monster in moments of overstimulation. Also, my blood is toxic, which means my semen might be, too. But to hell with it, right? Sure. Let's do it."

This careless attitude was entirely unlike Bruce, but that didn't matter. Because sex.

Thor nodded exuberantly. He bellowed something about how in warrior cultures, it's totally normal to 'lie with' your 'shield brothers.' Lets off stress or something.

No one was really listening to him, because he was large and blond, and therefore stupid. Nothing he ever said really ever made sense or was presented in modern English, so the rest of the team sometimes had trouble understanding him. But hey, sex is the universal language, right? The fact that Thor's IQ might be lower than his shoe size certainly wasn't going to get in the way.

Clint held back a moment before he shrugged and, for no discernable reason, screeched "Caw, caw, motherfuckers!" This seemed to be an agreement, but no one really knew, since in the time the Avengers had known each other (about three days so far), Clint had gotten practically no character development. Not that it mattered whether he agreed or not. Because he was a part of the team, and he'd fuck them whether he liked it or not, his very likely consent issues after dealing with Loki's mind-rape set neatly aside.

Natasha gave them all an icy glare before she pulled out a knife from nowhere and threw it at Tony. This type of unnecessary aggression was pretty common with her. Tony dodged the knife expertly with the ease of long practice (he had been one of her favorite targets for the past three days, after all), and Natasha smoothly and seductively said, "Yes, let's all go have sex now." Because for her, wanting sex was as fundamental as breathing, as she was an oversexualized woman whose job often revolved around distracting men with her 'assets' while the objective was carried out.

So the Avengers abandoned their breakfast (that Steve and Bruce had cooked, though no one knows when or where they learned the skill, or even why they would want to cook for a group of more-or-less strangers) and went to the 69th floor of Stark Tower. This floor was special, because it was the 69th floor, and therefore obviously had to be outfitted for massive orgies.

Because that's totally normal. The 69th floor of every office building in the world is similarly outfitted.

Everyone stripped off all their clothing unashamedly and strutted around naked, because groups of coworkers and/or roommates do this sort of thing all the time, and there was nothing awkward about it at all. In fact, despite the fact that they barely knew each other, everyone actually wanted to fuck everyone else. It was all they'd wanted to do since they'd met on the Helicarrier. Defending the world from an alien invasion, cleaning up the city afterwards, and trying to forge a working relationship between the six of them and SHIELD all paled in comparison to how important it was that the Avengers have sex with each other. As it turns out, sex is the only way that people can bond and get to know each other. All people who have close relationships must be fucking each other.

Universal rule #1.

Anyway, as everyone was getting naked, lube and condoms magically appeared. This was kind of strange, but then this whole floor was the orgy floor, so no one was too disturbed by it. Also, the condoms were kind of an afterthought that no one was actually planning on bothering with, because why have safe sex when you're a superhero?

Even if one of your orgy-mates might have radioactive come.

Like condoms would even help with that.

Tony was just opening up the nearest tube of lube to start getting ready for massive amounts of boysex when Loki appeared in the middle of the room.

"I know I tried to take over your planet," he said silkily, "And that I am both megalomaniacal and evil, but really I am just misunderstood." He offered no explanation beyond that, before adding, "I think I should partake in this orgy." He stripped off his clothing, sending a cheery wave and a pelvic thrust in Clint's direction.

Clint, who thought Loki was completely sexy (despite having been mind-raped by him and forced into murder and treason at his whim) nodded back before cooing, "Caw, caw, motherfucker," seductively in the demigod's general direction.

Thor exclaimed, "BROTHER! OF COURSE YOU MAY JOIN US! BECAUSE ON ASGARD INCEST IS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND ACCEPTED. ESPECIALLY GAY INCEST. OR PERHAPS THIS IS BESTIALITY, SINCE WE ARE TECHNICALLY DIFFERENT SPECIES. BUT THAT IS OF NO MATTER! COME HERE AND LET ME SPEAR YOU WITH LITTLE MJOLNIR, AS WE DID IN OUR YOUTH!"

This was the most complex thing Thor had ever managed to say. However, with everyone's minds on the impending sex, nobody noticed.

Despite the fact that Loki had tried to kill all of them, most of them multiple times (and he hadn't even offered a decent explanation for doing so-'misunderstood' so doesn't count), no one had any objections to what Thor proposed, so Tony went back to lubing up. He was planning on fucking Bruce into next week, because that's the only way collaborating scientists can show their appreciation for each other. He also planned on doing dirty, dirty things to Steve because he thought the supersoldier was totally hot. Even though their personalities clashed horribly, and they could barely work together without going for the jugular, having an intimate relationship with Steve was the one thing that Tony truly wanted. Other than getting in Bruce's pants. And Natasha's. And Clint's. And Thor's. And Loki's. But hey, Tony's a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist, he's used to getting what he wants (as is Loki, but that's another story).

The fact that Tony was in a heterosexual and committed relationship with Pepper was completely irrelevant.

In fact, Pepper would totally understand this. She'd probably even want to join in, because what professional, really high-strung woman doesn't want to have sex with six other people she doesn't even know? Nothing weird about that.

Whatever. Pushing that thought to the side, Tony dove (literally) into the fray.

No, I'm not going to write a damn sex scene. But know that it was really kinky, because half the team was into BDSM, a couple were into watersports, Steve liked wearing women's underwear, Loki had a self-lubricating asshole, and Clint liked to pretend he was a bird. Oh, and the sex required extensive acrobatic maneuvering, because why not? And Natasha fucked all of the boys with a strapon. A big one. And Bruce turned into the Hulk halfway through and had his way with everyone. And everyone probably should have needed stitches after that, but miraculously didn't. Because everyone can handle anal sex with a 9-foot tall rage monster and come out completely unscathed. It probably had something to do with Stark Industries' proprietary lube formula.

Anyway, afterwards, all of the Avengers and Loki (who had proved his good intentions by his enthusiastic participation in the orgy) watched a movie together and talked about their feelings. And cuddled. And had take out for dinner.

The end. (At least until someone proposes the next orgy.)

Like, thanks for reading! Plz review!