A/N: The word 'snakebite' is the word. It is not, however, present in the story. Said story is all crack. Please do not take this seriously. But also, Starkid. Stuff belongs to them.

"MY WIENER!"

"Lily, you don't even have a wiener."

"But neither do you, my friend."

"Are you seriously questioning—"

"I do not have any reason to question your femininity, what are you talking about Al—"

"Ladies, ladies, at least pause the video if you're going to argue about who wears a skirt better."

"Well, we all know who's going to win that debate. Hello Al."

"I was undercover."

"For what reason would you be undercover at a Muggle party?"

"Because someone already took my place as my own self. Hello Lily."

"Al, how was I going to schmooze through the ladies if they knew I was a girl myself? They would be devastated. They would think I was taken. They would think that a handsome lass such as myself would undoubtedly be well on her way to marry some less-handsome prince of Genovia. And I would be alone. Helpless. Unsatiated by my thirst—"

"'Unsatiated' isn't a word!"

"Shush, James. I'm telling a story."

"Of course, Lily."

"AL, I SAID SHUSH. Anyway, I would be unsatiated by my thirst of love that I needed to survive. I would die all lonely and untouched. For that, Albus, I needed the soothing hands of a lady! A sexy one! Sexy ladies! No Gangnam Style jokes! Of course, it's not that you would know about my dilemma and how it affects my poor, unfortunate soul, seeing as you already have a boyfriend."

"I do not have a boyfriend—"

"Are we forgetting about a certain mister named Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy?"

"She has a point."

"Damn right."

"Ugh. How did we go from watching Snape get bitten by a toy snake to this, again?"

"Your attempts at misdirection are poorly handled, Al. For a Slytherin, you're pretty bad at that. But anyway, HOW DARE YOU. That is not a toy snake! That is Nagini. Fear him, Al. Fear his teeth most of all. They're sharp. Snape's wiener can attest to that."

"Nagini can be summoned by Bellatrix's Serpensortia?"

"Yes, little sister. Little brother, stop rolling your eyes. That's bad. I'm a Healer. Trust me. I know this stuff. Also, little sister, we must thank our Grandmum with many thanks and a cake. Without her, Bellatrix would still be around, there would be little Naginis all around, and we wouldn't be around. At all. We also need flowers. Orange ones. One for each member of the family. Thirty orange flowers, and an extra ten. Al, call up the nearest Muggle flower shop and demand thirty orange flowers, chop-chop!"

"No."

"You inarticulate bumble, just go get the flowers!"

"No."

"He has a point."

"Shush, Lily. I'm trying to make my own."

"You're failing."

"The keyword is 'trying', and you know what Pincer says! There's no attempt that you can botch, when all you gotta do is just give it a go."

"But then again, what do I know?"

"What I see right there is a prisoner, who's sitting right under the key!"

"Just kick it up a notch—"

"—if you ever want to be free."

"Okay, now that our impromptu Starkid singing moment is done, can we just watch AVPM? You know AVPSY isn't out yet, so we have to rewatch the series! Come on."

"'Rewatch' isn't a word!"

"She has a point."

"Shush, both of you. I'm trying to watch a musical."