A/N- Warning: I'm tired of all these outraged Philistines and Israelites pounding on my door in the middle of the night! I will protect myself. Philistines, listen up- I've been taking sling lessons every Thursday night! And Israelites- I have a pig and I'm willing to use it!

Co-written with accused chicken thief and Bible scholar YFIQ.

...

The Mighty Samson

The legend of Samson began in the harsh desert lands where Samson's people, the Israelites, suffered under the cruel oppression of the Philistines. And amongst the tribe of the Israelites, there was a good and humble shepherd named Manoah who wanted more than anything to have a son. But his wife of many years had bore him no children at all- so of course, it was the woman's fault...

Part 1: The Angel of the Lord

Manoah's wife sat in the pasture sadly watching her husband's farm animals having sex. Spring had come and the heifer had gone into heat. It was the season for such things but the rutting grunting animals only made Manoah's wife feel more inadequate.

Several Philistine teenagers stopped by the fence, knowing they could be overheard. The spoiled rich girl who was leader of the pack looked down her perfect dainty nose at the poor Israelite woman. "Look over there, isn't that Manoah's wife sitting all alone in the pasture watching Manoah's bull go unto Manoah's cow?"

One of her friends snickered. "Good that Manoah's cow isn't as barren as his wife!"

"Yeah, it's so embarrassing. Poor Manoah should've married the cow instead. Well... that's what happens when you don't worship Dagon."

"I know, Dagon's great! The Israelites' god doesn't even have a tail!"

"He's just an old white guy- Laaame!"

"Yeah." the leader of the pack smiled obnoxiously. "I'm so glad I found Dagon- okay girls, cheer on three: 1... 2... 3!

We got Dagon , yes we do!

We got Dagon, how bout you?

Bottom-half fish- that's not weird!

He's got a big hat and a pointy beard!

Goooooo Dagon!"

There were three more rounds of cheering and one pyramid built before the Philistine girls decided to go their separate ways. "Well, see ya at the orgy." said one bimbo, starting off toward her village.

"I'll be there, bye!" waved another.

Manoah's wife sat there in the grass feeling sorry for herself. The cruel Philistines were right: her god ignored her. She worshiped and prayed and gave sacrifices but what did she have to show for it: nothing! She had no children, no friends, nothing to do all day long, and she didn't even get to go to wild parties like the Philistines. No one even bothered to write down her name.

"Hey there, sugar lips!" said a deep voice from behind her.

The startled woman turned to see a mysterious stranger. Tall and confident, the man had a charming smile and a jug of wine in his hand.

Manoah's wife stuttered: "You... who are you?"

"Why do you ask for names?" the coy stranger helped the woman to her feet. "Does anybody bother to learn your name?"

"No," she looked down sadly. "They just call me Manoah's wife... no one remembers my name because... I'm barren. I'm a disgrace."

The stranger lifted her chin. "It's just like the Philistines to blame the heifer and not the bull. In truth, I don't think it's your fault at all."

Back lit by the setting sun, the impressive stranger's long silken hair swayed seductively in the breeze and his white robe nearly glowed. "So, Manoah's wife, how about we go over by the stream and have a little wine?" He took her hand and led her into the cool shaded grove.

And so it came to pass that Manoah's wife called out from the bushes: "Ooh! You must be an angel of the Lord come... come to help me!"

So sayeth the Angel: "Hey baby, I'm anybody you want me to be!"

...

It was a fortnight later that Manoah's wife realized she was with child. But she worried about how to tell her husband of the miracle.

And so the Angel of the Lord came to her a second time as she sat the pasture. Alas, she told the impressive muscular man: "I am afraid to tell my husband Manoah, for he may not believe me..."

"Speak no more..." sayeth the Angel, placing a hand atop her hair. "All will be good for those who serve the Lord."

And so it was that on the very next day the wife of Manoah came back from the pasture to find her husband gone. And then she heard a great groan arising from the shed. She fearfully ran to the wooden hut and flung open the door. There she beheld Manoah and the Angel inside.

"This isn't what it looks like!" said Manoah, trying to cover his nakedness.

The Angel of the Lord rejoiced. "Glorious day! The wife of Manoah has come as well!"

...

Later that night, after the Angel of the Lord had departed, Manoah and his wife passed around a big jug of wine. And they drank heavily, until they could barely remember what had happened that day.

Manoah cradled his head in both hands. "He... he had to be an Angel of the Lord." Manoah said while rocking back and forth. "I... I know he was.".

"Yeah..." his wife agreed. "An Angel of the Lord alright," her voice went high and quivery as she started to weep again. "And oh... by the way... I'm pregnant."

-Up next: Young Samson sets off into the world but almost immediately has lion problems.