Disclaimer: Not mine.

Beers, Buddies, & Blunders

"Stop."

I smile and do a sexy hip pop. "No."

"Bella, I swear to god if you don't put some clothes on." His voice trails off when I distract him with a premiere boob view. Boys are so easy. The muscles in his neck strain from the clench of his jaw. Fuck it's hot.

"Looking all sexually frustrated won't make me dress any faster, just so you know. As a matter of fact, the potential for your clothes disappearing is increasing by the second."

He growls and I laugh, because who the fuck actually growls? When he lunges and touches my body in ways that make me feel like an animal, I no longer care what fucking noise he makes. I'll be his Tarzanella any fucking time.

Forty five minutes later I'm smiling, sated, and so fucking happy. He steps behind me and rests his chin on my shoulder looking shy, cute, and fuckhot at the same time. It's so unfair...for everyone else.

"We're late." He grins. He's not sorry.

"We are." I'm not sorry either. Not even a little.

"So what's the plan for tonight?"

I turn and wrap my arms around his neck. I might press my tits against his chest. He groans. I want to play Jane of the jungle all over again.

"They have support groups for people like you."

I lift my brow and smirk. "Oh, really?"

He nods, his expression serious as he palms my tit. "Yes. For the love of god never join one of them."

I laugh because he's as crazy as I am. It's one of the many things I love about him. "You have nothing to worry about. Anyone that says I should control my sexual urges has obviously never had sex with you. You're the drug I never want to quit." I feel sorta cheesy and shy, which is weird, so I raspberry his arm draped over my chest. It sounds like a fart. I feel like a five year old. It only makes things weirder. No one is surprised.

"You're so weird," he laughs.

I roll my eyes and nod. What argument could I possibly have? None. Exactly. "Do you want me to tell you the plan?" I ask, my eyes closing from the feel of his fingers teasing my nipples. "Because there will be no plan other than marathon fucking if you don't unhand me, fiend."

He laughs and peeks over my shoulder. It's fucking adorable. He probably looks cute constipated too, but we haven't reached that level in our relationship yet. "Did you just call me a fiend?"

He snakes his hand down my stomach, and I know that in a matter of minutes our plans for the night will turn to shit, in the best way of course. We'll have dirty amazing rough sex for hours, which is appealing, and I can't remember why that's a bad thing.

"I can meet Alice another time," he whispers, his breath hot against my skin as he nips at my neck.

Alice.

Fuck.

I kind of hate her right now. But I promised she could meet Edward. She doesn't need to know I plan to repay her for the years of PDA trauma she's subjected me to. It's too good to pass up. The sex will happen later. In my apartment. Or his. Or the bar. That is the likely choice.

His fingers slip into my panties and I twist, duck, and jump backward like a damn contortionist. Only much less graceful since my ass hits the wall, causing me to stumble forward and ram my head into his side like a bull. My face heats and I'm certain I'm as red as those flags they wave around at bullfights. All I need is Edward to yell "olay" and my mortification will be complete.

He chuckles and pulls my hand away from my face. "You're awfully jumpy. What's going on with you?"

I roll my eyes. "Nothing. I'm fine. But we'll never leave if you keep sticking your hands down my panties. And as much as saying this goes against every instinct in my body, we have things to do other than have sex."

He lifts a brow and smirks. Ugh. "Is that a fact?"

"Edward," I whine. "You're killing me."

"If you'd put on a shirt, maybe I'd stop thinking about sliding my dick between your tits."

I gape at him, giving my most indignant face. But now I'm thinking about it too, and I feel like we're never going to leave if I don't hurry up and do as he suggests. I storm out of the bathroom and into the closet. I'll revisit the titty fucking idea later.

"We're meeting at the same bar where we met." I grin when I think about the bartender. I wonder if she'll be there. I can only hope.

"Bella." He sounds exasperated. I look over my shoulder and he's leaning against the door frame and shaking his head. "Don't you think it would be a better idea to meet them somewhere I won't be thinking about the bathroom I fingered you in?"

I shrug. He doesn't need to know that's exactly my plan. I consider telling him about Operation PDA Revenge but decide against it. I want to see the surprise on his face as much as I do Alice and Jasper. It won't take him long to get on board. "You'll be fine."

We arrive at the bar about forty-five minutes late. I consider it a win. Edward keeps his hand on my lower back as we maneuver through the crowd to the table Alice snagged. She gives me a bitch face when we make eye contact, but I can't be bothered to give her an appropriate response because I can't take my eyes off the six shots littering the table. Before I can ask if we need to book her a room at Betty Ford, she starts yapping.

"Ninety minute window, Swan. I give you a ninety minute head start on Jasper and you've already blown half of it doing God knows what." She looks from me to Edward and shakes her head. "Never mind. I'm sure whatever you were doing wasn't anything God needed to see."

She pushes two shot glasses across the table, then grabs a third for herself. "Drink up, bitches. Jasper will be here in forty-five minutes. You know the drill."

I laugh. Edward looks confused. I have a feeling he'll wear his "what the fuck" face most of the night. I pass him a shot and wink. "Just go with it." The glasses are empty before we sit.

"Edward, this is Alice. She's insane. How awesome is that?"

He doesn't miss a beat. "So she's like you then?"

Alice laughs. I bitchface. Edward orders another round.

"I like him." Alice reaches across the table and shakes his hand. "Sorry for bombing you with tequila shots. But for reasons you'll soon understand, it was necessary."

Edward nods. I've explained Jasper's unfortunate "premature edrunkulation" condition. "So I've heard."

Alice looks at me all angry and indignant like I've told some big secret. I shrug and widen my eyes like Smokey when he tells Deebo he got knocked the fuck out. I might have mouthed the words. Her expression confirms my suspicion.

"Don't give me that look," I sass. I think I might be drunk. I try to remember when I ate last. The realization that it was morning is not a good one. Alice rolls her eyes and I know she realizes I'm approaching shitty at an alarming speed.

"Whatever. You're right. I'd rather he knows ahead of time that within two drinks or twenty minutes all possibilities of civil conversation with Jasper will vanish." Alice waves me off and grins at Edward. Thank God. I'm in no mood for midget wrestling.

"Food. Let's do that." I look from Alice to Edward before doing some weird two finger gangsta signal to our waitress. I blame Alice for any gangsta tendencies.

We order food and more drinks. Jasper texts that he's on his way. By the time he arrives I've eaten a burger and two orders of fries, which I washed down with beer and tequila. Needless to say, Mission: Sober Bella has failed.

"Hi, Jasper." I give him a sly grin and wink. I have no idea why. His brows furrow, and if I'm not mistaken he looks a little freaked out.

"I see you guys started without me." He's trying to not sound whiny, but his epic pout is a dead giveaway. I can't help but giggle. Jasper narrows his eyes and looks between me and my drink before falling into his chair and muttering. "Fucking ninety minute window."

Edward barks out a laugh as Alice and I gape like fish. Before I can come up with a smart ass comment, Edward interrupts. "I'm Edward. It's nice to meet you."

Jasper flinches in that "fuck, I forgot someone else is here and now I look like a tool" kinda way before shaking Edward's hand. "Jasper." His gaze slides over to me again, but this time there's a spark of mischief in his eyes. I don't like it. "So I heard you confiscated Bella's get laid shirt. Are you sure you want that kind of responsibility? She can be a handful."

I throw a rogue fry that somehow survived my food gorging and flip him off. Just before I can say something snarky about his ruptured testicle, Edward speaks. "I guess it's a good thing I really fucking love the way she fills my hands." He looks at me and winks. My thighs clinch. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and does this sexy as fuck, half shy, half cocky smile as he falls against the back of his chair. My heart is pounding and I can't breathe. I can't do anything but lose myself in the sight of him sitting across from me.

"Jesus fuck," Alice chokes out as Jasper clears his throat.

I grin at Edward and stand. He doesn't realize it, but he just gave me the perfect opening to Operation PDA Revenge. Visions of Alice and Jasper attending therapy for the trauma I plan to inflict on them makes me giddy. I bounce a little as I step around Jasper's chair toward Edward. It's a mistake. My cockiness is going to cause me to faceplant in a bar. I teeter a little, but my smile doesn't falter because I just said teeter in my head and it makes me laugh. I stumble forward and somehow do this awesome Matrix-like move where I swivel-step and land right where I want: in Edward's lap. And by awesome Matrix-like move, I mean I almost bust my ass but Edward catches me and pulls me into his lap. Whatever.

"You okay there, Bella?" Jasper smirks and does a shot.

"Pfft, I totally meant to do that shit. Don't hate because I got moves like Jagger."

"More like you've got moves like you've been drinking Jäger."

Jasper's got jokes. To be honest I kinda want to high five him because it's an awesome comeback. But I don't, because he's mocking me. Which makes him an ass. He takes a sip from his beer and I laugh.

"I should be insulted, but you joking about someone not handling their liquor is too ridiculous to get upset about." I give myself a mental high five because my comeback just kicked his comebacks ass.

"Is this normal?" The sound of Edward's voice brings me out of my pissing contest with Jasper.

I look at Alice who shrugs and grins. I'm pretty sure she's working a good buzz. "Yup. She turns into killer B on the swarm, yo."

I laugh. Yup, she's buzzed.

Edward leans forward, bringing his lips to my ear. "Did she just make a Wu Tang reference?"

His breath fans over my skin when he speaks, and it reminds me why I've planted myself in his lap. I squeeze his thigh and nod. "She's 36 chambers of awesome. Old Dirty Bastard is her spirit rapper."

"I bring the ruckus," she raps before slamming back a shot.

Jasper flags down the waitress to order another round and I know it's now or never. If I wait any longer, this will turn into a PDA orgy and that's just gross. While Alice and Jasper are distracted with the waitress, I slide my hand up Edward's thigh. He jumps and grabs my wrist when my palm touches his dick. I try to twist free, but he's not having any of that. I huff in frustration and turn so I can see his face.

He's smirking, but he hasn't loosened his grip. "What are you playing at, Bella?"

I feign innocence and widen my eyes. "What are you talking about? I'm always trying to get on your dick. There's nothing out of the ordinary happening here."

His eyes narrow and I can tell he's second guessing his suspicion that I'm up to no good. It makes me smile. I realize my mistake as soon as his expression smooths, and he gives me a blank stare. Damn it. I jumped the gun and now I'm busted. "That might be true, but you're up to something."

I glance at Jasper. He's starting to smile that dopey smile that I dread. I turn back to Edward and when I speak, my words are rushed and panicked. "I owe them, damn it! I've watched them tongue fuck each other for years while I'm stuck looking like the Bermuda part of a love triangle. No more. You're going to make out with me until Alice and Jasper feel as dirty as used adult diapers or until we get kicked out of here for lewd acts."

Edward's eyes widen and his lips smash together as he fights to keep his laughter under control. Meanwhile I'm wondering if this is how the narrator in Fight Club felt just before he started repeatedly punching himself in the face. I'm mortified. And gross.

"So gross," Edward chokes. If I'm not mistaken he looks a little horrified. I roll my eyes and turn away from him, petulant. I'm not pouting, not really. I'm just doing that girl thing where you pretend to be mad. It takes less than a second for him to pull my back flush against his chest. "You know," he says, his voice suddenly lower and serious, "if you would have included me in your plan, I wouldn't have to do this. Remember, you brought this on yourself."

My mouth falls open because that didn't sound a thing like an apology. It sounded more like a threat. I suck at this whole girly thing. Before I can ask him what he hell he means, he turns his attention to Alice.

"So Alice, tell me how you and Bella met?" He settles back in his chair and pulls me with him. I don't understand why he's asking her that because I've already filled him in on that shit show of an introduction. I try to wiggle from his grasp because he's not playing fair and I'm thinking about legitimately pouting. When I try to move he snakes his arm around my waist and slips his hand under the hem of my shirt.

I jump in surprise, but Edward doesn't even acknowledge me. I look over my shoulder and give him my best bitchface, and even though his eyes are focused on Alice, his lips twitch. That's when it happens. He widens his legs and shifts until I'm straddling one of his thighs. With his free hand, he begins inching up my thigh and under my skirt. I squirm. This is not at all the kind of PDA I had in mind.

I try to clamp my legs together, but his grip tightens and his fingers dig into my flesh, halting my movements. Oh, shit. I'm in trouble. I reach for his hand, but when I do, he moves his other hand further up my shirt. I'm so fucked.

"Edward," I whine. I don't know what else to say. He shushes me.

He. Shushes. Me.

I let out an indignant huff that quickly turns into a squeak when he resumes his path up the inside of my inner thigh. Alice gives me a strange look, but Edward distracts her before I can give away the fuckery happening under the table. I consider striking up a conversation with Jasper, and by conversation I mean shots. If I speed up his imminent attack on Alice, I can thwart Edward's plan. That idea is shot to hell when Edward pushes his thumb under the edge of my panties. No way I can carry on a conversation with Jasper while Edward molests me. In public.

I decide the best way to deal with the situation is to drink. When I call the waitress over, my voice is shaking and I sound a little like a porn star. I feel Edward's shoulders jerk and I know he's laughing at me. It's time to even the playing field. I shift, but this time I don't try to pull away. I grind against his dick, which is now very hard. His sharp intake of air makes me smile. If I'm going down, I'm taking him with me.

The only problem is, like most of my plans, it backfires. He doesn't even give the customary moment of hesitation before pressing his thumb against my clit. Rude. My eyes dart around the room in a panic. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, it's not like I'm going to yell out "Help, my boyfriend is trying to make me come in public."

A thin sheen of sweat breaks out across my skin and my legs begin to tremble. My lips part and my body tenses. Edward sits up a little and moves his mouth next to my ear. "Are you about to come, Bella?" Our new position allows him better access, and he wastes no time pushing two fingers inside me as his thumb continues to work my clit. "Isn't this what you wanted?"

"No," I moan. This is absolutely not what I want. Well, I want it, but not like this.

"You sure about that, baby." His lips brush my ear and the sound of his voice, low and rough, is going to end me. He is not playing fair.

"Bella, what the hell is wrong with your face?"

The sound of Alice's voice makes my eyes go wide. I try to answer, but my jaw is clenched because I'm about two seconds away from coming in the middle of the bar. My gaze shifts to Jasper who is looking at me with glazed eyes and I swear he knows. The thought makes me snap. Jasper can't see my O Face. I'd rather die. So I do what any sane person would do in this situation: I grab the glass of water in front of me and throw it in his face.

"What the fuck?" he sputters.

My fast thinking causes Edward's grip to loosen. I take advantage of his distraction and get the fuck out of his lap and away from his devil hands. "You can't see my O Face damn it!" I yell, giving no regard to the fact that I'm in the middle of a bar.

"Bella—" Alice starts, but I'm not having any of it.

"No," I yell. "I cannot look you and Jasper in the face knowing that you've seen my O Face. Hard fucking limit!" I sound like a raving lunatic. I can't be bothered to care. I point at Alice and shake my finger, then give Jasper an angry glare because this is all his fault. If he didn't edrunkulate all over the place a few drinks in I wouldn't have a reason for my ridiculous antics.

"All I wanted to do was straddle Edward's lap, grind on his dick, and make out until you two wanted to puke or we got kicked out! I wanted retribution but somehow ended up almost flashing my O Face in front of a bar front of people." As soon as the words leave my mouth I want to crawl in a hole and die. I'm shouting about my O Face in the middle of a bar. Everyone is staring. I don't have to look around to know. I feel their eyes on me. I'm going to kill Edward. As soon as we get the fuck out of this bar.

"You are in so much trouble," I grind out, turning my attention to Edward. He's laughing at me. I'm going to dump his body in the dumpster behind the bar. It's only fair. Then I get an idea. One that won't backfire. I'm like twenty percent certain.

"Since this is so funny to you, maybe I should go ahead and let everyone see my O Face. Actually, I bet if I ask nicely, I might even find someone willing to help me out."

"I volunteer," a guy yells out from somewhere in the back of the bar. Several people laugh and it takes all I have to keep from cringing. I'll never step foot in this bar again. I might even move. And change my name.

Edward's expression shifts and his eyes darken. It's the exact reaction I want. Fucking finally. "Bella," he warns. It's hot. I kinda wanna straddle him again. I have to look away.

"What?" I shrug, trying to appear nonchalant. "Isn't that what you wanted?" I throw his words back at him. He stands. I do an internal fist pump. He steps closer. I smile. I'm not mad anymore.

"Alice, Jasper, it was nice to meet you, but Bella and I need to get going." He doesn't look away from me when he speaks and suddenly I'm contemplating bar bathroom sex again.

"So soon?" I smirk.

He shakes his head and gives me a roguish smile.

"You started this," I sass. He really did.

He nods. He knows what's up. "And I intend to finish it." The look on his face tells me he fully intends to back up his statement.

I look at Alice and Jasper. He's confused. She's smirking. That's my girl. I throw up a deuce in her direction as Edward grabs my other hand and pulls me out of the bar. The night might not have gone as planned, but as we walk down the sidewalk hand in hand, teasing, touching, and promising to do wicked things to each other, I realize I don't care. I win anyway.

A/N

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIC! I love you and I hoped you enjoyed this hot mess. I honestly have no idea what happened. I can't control these characters. LOL

I've said it before, there is no plot, just silly fun with a nice side of smut. Also, I would like to point out that Wutang released a new CD today. When ODB came on the opening track I might have cried while I shimmy shimmy ya'd. *pours a 40 for my homie*

Thanks to Ooza for catching my mistakes and to Joo for prepreading. Also, Erica, thanks for your help with the dirty thing. ILY.

SIDE NOTE- LL&L was nominated for Favorite LMFAO Fic for the TwiFic fandom awards along with Dirt Roads and several others! Go check out the nominations and vote for your favorites!

Until next time!

xoxox,

~Liv