When Dimitri cancelled our morning session, I was disappointed, but I thought that he might be exhausted from patrolling all night, so I let him be. But I began to grow restless when I didn't see him the entire day, not even in one of my classes. Where was he, I wondered anxiously, my eyes scanning for him across the quad as I ran out of my final class for the day. In my hurry, I bumped into Alberta, who informed me that Dimitri had also cancelled our afternoon session.
I nodded and then walked towards the dorms, wondering why he was hell-bent on avoiding me. I hadn't done anything provocative or unbecoming in a while, so why was he avoiding me? Unless, I thought suddenly, coming to a standstill, unless he had had enough of me and had decided to go away. As panic began to rise in me, I banished all such thoughts from my head. He loved me; he would never do that to me, right?
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't see where I was going. When I looked up, I was standing in front of Lissa's building instead of my own. As I turned to leave, I heard two people come out. Quickly, I hid in the bushes, not wanting to bump into Liss when I was such a mess. And then I recognized the voices- Jesse and Ralf, dickhead extraordinaire and his sidekick. I didn't wanna listen to their egotistic blabber, but something Jesse said caught my attention. And just like that I knew what was wrong with Dimitri. I waited till those two vanished from sight and then leapt up from my hiding spot.
Now where would Dimitri be, I wondered as I walked back towards my dorms. He wasn't on duty and he wouldn't be in the Guardian's lounge, not in this situation. And some instinct told me that I wouldn't find him holed up in his room, or even beating the crap out of some dummy in the gym. He would be looking for solitude, and peace. The church? No, too many people. He wouldn't be able to let go of his mask there. And just like that, I knew where he was. I flat out ran, as I directed my footsteps towards where I was certain he was.

I found Dimitri in the forest, sitting on the porch of the cabin where Tasha had stayed when she had come over for Christmas. He looked sad and thoughtful, and exhausted beyond believe. I slowed down as I approached him, taking in his oddly vulnerable face and the way his shoulders drooped as if he carried the burden of the world. A stab of pity shot through me, but I shoved it down. I needed to be strong now, Dimitri needed me.

The rustling of leaves must have alerted him to my presence, because he looked up the moment I stepped out of the trees. He visibly tensed but made no other move; he just watched as I approached and took a seat beside him. He might even have been waiting for me subconsciously, I realized. He knew me well, so he probably figured I would tell him what was bothering me in due time. So, imagine his surprise when I leaned over and enveloped him in a hug.

"Rose, what are you doing?", he asked me, trying to disengage himself.

"Dimitri, shut up", I ordered, shuffling closer.

"Rose-", he began.

"I know", I interrupted him softly. I felt his body stiffen and go rigid. He knew what I was talking about. And then, just like that, he relaxed and pulled me against him, resting his chin over my head.

"I'm sorry", I mumbled against his chest after a while.

"Rose-", he began again.

"It's okay. It's okay to grieve sometimes, you know. You don't need to be Guardian Belikov with me."

"Roza", he muttered in a tight tone. The pain in his voice killed me. I wish I could do something, anything to help him, to comfort him, but I couldn't. So I settled for tightening my arms around him. He hugged me tightly, letting me know that he understood. We stayed silent for a while, the only sound coming from the wind playing in the trees.

"How did you figure it out?", he asked me absentmindedly, playing with my hair.

"Alberta told me you took a day off, which-you know-isn't something you would normally do. And I overheard Jesse telling Ralf about one of his cousins who-", I paused, unsure of how to continue. "who had passed away on this day. It doesn't take a genius to make the connection." He said nothing for a while, but continued to stroke my hair.

"You miss him, don't you?", I asked, after a while. He immediately froze and his hand brushing my hair stilled.

"I don't think I can talk about him", he said tightly. "It's still too hard."

I wanted to respect his wishes, but then I remembered how he had helped me when I was grieving over Mase. I wanted to help him, even if he didn't want my help. I needed him to know I'd be there for him.

"I'm here for you, you know that right?", I asked him finally, pulling away slightly to look at him better.

He seemed to be fighting an internal war, torn between being pretending to be invulnerable and trusting me. But whatever he saw in my face must have impacted him, because he tightened his hold on me and launched into the story of how he met and then lost his best friend, Ivan Zeklos. He told me about their shared history, about how full of life Ivan was, and the crazy misadventures that they had. When it was all done, we sat together, not saying one word. Just two lovers underneath the moonlight, drawing strength from each other's company.

"Thank you Roza, I-", Dimitri began, but yet again, I interrupted him.

"Don't. Thank you for letting me in, for trusting me." I would have said more, but whatever else I might have added was cut off when he brushed his lips against mine and then pulled me in for a heady kiss that left the both of us breathing heavily.

"You should leave now", he said, when he recovered. "It's past curfew."

"I've never play by the rules, Comrade. You know that.", I teased him playfully. He shot me a look that said 'don't mess with me', but I could see the glint of amusement in his eye.

"Fine, fine.", I backtracked, happy at having my Dimitri back. "I'll leave. And you take a nap, you look like a zombie. And if you need anything, I mean anything, you know where to find me."

"Goodnight, Roza.", Dimitri said with a small smile, releasing me from his hold.

"Goodbye, Dimitri.", I said, as I started back towards campus.

"Roza, I-", he started, and I turned around. He looked unsure of what to say, but I could easily read the emotions playing on his handsome face.

"I know, Comrade. And I love you too. Never doubt that.", I said softly and walked away without another glance at him.

Because if I looked back, if I let myself hope, we would both be hurt. And I couldn't bear to hurt him anymore. Not when he-

My thoughts were cut off as a hand slid over my shoulder. I didn't need to wonder who it was, for I knew his touch well. And the smell of his aftershave.
"Ivan would have loved you, you know", he said casually, as we walked through the trees. "You guys are so alike, you would have hit it off."

"Comrade, you have enough trouble handling me, can you imagine what would have happened if Ivan and I decided to have fun?", I teased him.

Dimitri considered for a moment, then cursed in his native Russian. I outright laughed at him, feeling oddly buoyant when he joined in.
He let go of my body as we walked towards campus, but continued to walk beside me. He got me past my dorm matron without any trouble, and then walked me to my door.
"Thank you Roza.", he said as I unlocked my door." Thank you for understanding."

"Hey, someone had to", I said playfully, not wanting him to be sad again. "Besides, the whole mopey, angsty philosopher thing doesn't suit you, you know. If anyone else had seen you, it would have killed your stellar reputation." He laughed again, the sound making my heart beat in double-time.

"Ivan would have loved you", he said again, a warm smile still playing on his lips.

"And he would have wanted you to be happy. I want that too. Can you do that for us?", I asked him gently, feeling like a romantic sap now.
"I can", he said looking straight at me. "I can, now".
Our eyes locked together for a few seconds, a thousand messages passing between us, but we both remained silent. We knew how hard it would be to walk away, if we said anything more. He walked away with a parting nod after warning me to be on time for training the next day. In spite of his brusque attitude, or perhaps because of it, I prepared for bed with a goofy smile on my face, a smile that didn't want to go away.

My last coherent thought before I fell asleep was how Dimitri had almost told me today that he loved me. I was still not over losing Mason, and I had more reason to blame myself for his death that Dimitri had for Ivan's, but as long as Dimitri was there, I knew that I could be happy. Dimitri made me happy.