"Yeah, well, I dunno what guys see in you, Pammie," snapped Joker, as the vines in Ivy's home held him against the wall. "Maybe if you got a better personality, guys would be more interested in wanting to be around you for long periods of time! Maybe if you didn't go around threatening them with death, they'd be happier to commit to a relationship with you!"

"I ain't gonna change myself for a guy!" snapped Ivy.

"Oh, you just want them to change themselves for you," he retorted. "Little bit hypocritical, wouldn't you say, Pammie?"

"Look, don't make me kiss you again!" growled Ivy. "It's an experience I, for one, wouldn't care to repeat!"

"Sure, toots, like I believe that," he snorted. "Say what you want – I know the effect I have on women. I drive 'em crazy. Just ask Harley. Once she got a taste of the Big J, there was no turning back from the madness. Of course you haven't really got the full Big J experience, because that's what I call my…"

Ivy slapped him hard across the face. "Don't finish that sentence, you disgusting creep!" she growled. "Just enjoy your last few minutes of life. I'm getting my baby."

Joker chuckled as she strode out of the room. "She definitely wants the Big J," he murmured, grinning.

"Just stop provoking her!" hissed Batman, who was held against the opposite wall.

"Gotta have some fun, Bats, or what's the point?" laughed Joker. "Gotta make the most of the time you got, and what's more lasting than laughter, am I right?"

"Look, I've almost cut my way through these vines," snapped Batman. "If you can just not do anything stupid in the next couple of minutes, I should be able to free myself and subdue Ivy."

"Sure, Bats, no problemo," replied Joker. "Woah!" he exclaimed, as Ivy re-entered the room, with a large, long plant snaking behind her. "Easy to see how Pammie sublimates her craving for the male organ! It's been a real Freudian couple of days all round," he chuckled.

"This is called a Pitcher Plant, J," retorted Ivy. "They're carnivorous plants that usually feed on insects, slowly digesting them over a period of several days. But mine are bigger, and they've developed a taste for bigger types of meat."

Joker laughed. "I knew it, Pammie! You're still thinking about the Big J, ain't ya?"

Ivy just glared back at him. "Goodbye, J, and good riddance," she said. The plant lunged forward, and swallowed Joker in an instant. He fell down the throat of the plant and landed in a pool of sticky liquid at the bottom.

"Aw, what the hell is this?" he muttered, struggling to his feet and trying to brush himself off. "Ruining my other good suit, hope Harley got the ink outta the last one…"

Batman suddenly landed on top of him as the plant swallowed him too. He stood up quickly, looking around. "We have to get out of here," he muttered.

"Fine by me," retorted Joker, still trying to dust himself off. "I gotta say, I never thought it would end like this. You and me being swallowed by a giant phallus. There are some deaths you just can't prepare yourself for," he sighed. "Still, it's nice that we're together," he said, smiling.

Batman ignored him, studying the razor sharp thorns coating the walls of the plant, keeping them trapped inside. "Ok, when we get out, I need you to just stay out of the way," he snapped. "I'll handle Ivy. And this time, when I say don't do anything stupid, don't, or I'll have to knock you unconscious."

"Jawohl, mein Führer!" chuckled Joker, saluting. Batman glared at him, and then reached into his utility belt for a small container, containing some gel which he sprayed onto the plant wall.

"Oooh, what's you got there, Bats?" asked Joker, leaning forward. "Bat graffiti?"

"Stand back," muttered Batman, shoving him away and reaching into his belt again. He pressed a button, and the gel exploded, blowing a gaping hole in the plant. Flame and smoke sprayed everywhere as the plant writhed in pain, letting out a high-pitched shriek.

"Baby! No!" screamed Ivy, rushing forward, but she was suddenly knocked to the ground by Batman, who slapped her in handcuffs. Joker followed him, coughing on the smoke and looking back at the plant, which sank lifeless to the ground.

"I ain't really comfortable with the Freudian implications of any of this," he muttered.

The front door was thrown open at that moment and Harley stood in the doorway, gasping. "I'm here, Mr. J!" she exclaimed. "I'm…"

She looked from Batman standing over Ivy in handcuffs, to Joker, to the dead plant, and back. "Oh. You got it under control, huh?"

"Yeah, good thing we didn't need you, pooh," retorted Joker.

"Ain't my fault – the cab driver got lost," snapped Harley. "Shoulda killed him simply for being incompetent, but I waited and did a joke like you said, puddin'."

"And what was it?" he asked.

"I asked him how much the ride cost, and when he told me, I said, 'cab charges really are murder these days,' and shot him in the head!" exclaimed Harley, beaming.

"Oh. Well, I guess it's better than nothing," sighed Joker.

"Doncha like the joke, puddin'?" asked Harley, her face falling.

"It's fine, pooh, it's just been done," he said, shrugging. "I probably could've thought of a better one."

"Yeah, well, it's hard to be real witty when you're worried sick about your best friend trying to kill your boyfriend!" snapped Harley. "You should just be grateful I'm here!"

"Late," he reminded her. "If Bats here hadn't had his little gadgets handy, we might've been digested by that giant phallus by now."

"By the…what?" said Harley, confused.

"Pammie can explain it to you later," chuckled Joker, turning to smile at Ivy. "Just like she can explain to you why she kissed me on the way here."

Harley's face turned murderous. "She…what?" she stammered.

"Oh for God's sake, Harley, I was trying to shut him up using my Poison Ivy toxin!" snapped Ivy. "And it worked! I only regret not making it last longer so I wouldn't have had to hear about the Big J!"

Harley's fury increased. "How do you know about the Big J?" she demanded. "It's mine, you hear me? You ain't ever gonna have it!"

"I don't want it! And frankly I can't believe he's named it! I just said I was trying to…"

"I don't care what your reasons were, Red, you don't go around kissing my guy!" shouted Harley. "I know you're real upset about the break-up and feeling really lonely, but I never thought you'd make a move on Mr. J! He's mine, and we're real happy together, and the thought that you wanted to ruin that happiness for your own selfish reasons…" she broke off, sobbing.

"Harley, I just said it's not like that!" shouted Ivy. "Don't you listen?"

"Why should I listen to you?" snapped Harley. "Trying to come between me and Mr. J, you horrible tramp! After I sent him to look after you and everything, because I cared, you go and betray me like that…"

"Just shut up, Harley!" interrupted Ivy. "Can we get outta here and back to Arkham, Bats?"

Batman nodded, about to drag her away. Harley stopped him. "I will forgive you for this, Red, but it's gonna take some time," she murmured. "I know you're upset and desperate and everything, otherwise I wouldn't be able to forgive you. But you gotta listen to me. There's a guy out there for you, you just gotta be patient and keep looking, and when you find him, you gotta be willing to fight for him. You gotta be willing to take the rough with the smooth, and have a few bad things to make the good things worthwhile. Relationships ain't easy, but they're worth it. The guy you love is gonna be worth it. I promise," she said, kissing Joker.

Ivy snorted as Batman dragged her away and into the waiting Batmobile, which he had summoned remotely. "You should listen to her," said Batman, quietly. "She may horribly deluded, but she's right in this instance."

"Don't make me laugh, Bats," snapped Ivy.

"Look, you can't really think all men are bad," said Batman. "It's just insane to write off a whole group of people from a few bad experiences. And I don't think you're as crazy as all that, Ivy."

She shook her head slowly. "Maybe you're right, Bats," she murmured. "Not all men are bad."

He nodded, and then left her locked in the Batmobile as he went back inside to fetch Joker and Harley. She folded her arms across her chest and muttered, "Some are dead."

The End