Double Date

Harley Quinn knocked on the door to the Joker's study. "Puddin'! Fifteen minutes!" she called.

He grunted in response. She shrugged and went down the hall to their bedroom. "I ain't gonna apologize for you when we're late," she muttered, opening the door to her closet and leafing through her clothes. "I'm gonna tell Red whose fault it was too, and let you handle her temper."

She pulled out a cocktail dress, with her signature half red and half black design, and put it on, going over to the mirror and putting on her makeup. "Puddin'!" she called down the hall. "Ten minutes!"

She was greeted with an even louder and more irritated grunt. "Suit yourself," she sighed, brushing out her hair and shaking it over her shoulders. "But I'm leaving on time."

She checked her watch again. "Puddin', five…"

"I'm here, you useless brat!" he snapped, striding into the room.

"You ready to go?" she asked. "Is that what you're wearing?"

"What's wrong with it?" he demanded, looking down.

"Nothing, you just got ink stains all over it," she snapped. "Ain't you got another purple suit?"

He sighed heavily. "Yeah, somewhere," he muttered, opening his closet. "You do the laundry, you dumb blonde, you tell me where it is!"

"Gotta dress you now?" demanded Harley, grabbing his suit from the closet. "What am I, your mother?"

"No, I'm your Daddy and don't you forget it," he retorted.

Harley giggled and kissed him, gazing at him lovingly as he undressed. "You wanna stop staring?" he snapped.

"Can't help it, puddin', you're just so gorgeous," she breathed, kissing him again. "Kinda wish we didn't have to go on this date with Red and her new beau. Maybe you could get your Harley's engine revving instead."

"Maybe I could anyway," he murmured, grinning and returning her kisses. "Five minutes, you said, right?"

"Mr. J, you couldn't do it in five minutes," giggled Harley. "Not in a way that would satisfy both of us."

Five minutes later, Harley sat in the passenger seat of the car, flushed and breathing heavily, but beaming at the Joker, who was driving and wearing a clean purple suit, and looking fairly smug.

"You owe me fifty bucks," he said.

"We never bet money," retorted Harley.

"Yeah, anytime you challenge me, you owe me fifty bucks," he said. "Call it a disobedience charge."

"I don't get paid to obey you, so why would I have to pay for disobeying you?" she snapped.

"Because that's a rule I just made up," he replied. "And it's funny. So I'm going with it."

Harley giggled. "Yeah, it is kinda funny, puddin'," she cooed, kissing his cheek and ruffling his hair.

"You wanna stop?" he snapped, shoving her away and trying to fix his hair in the car mirror. "I told you not to touch the hair when I've put the byrlcreem in! It'll look crooked! Ain't we gotta look our best for this guy?"

"I'd say it's more important that he impresses us," replied Harley. "Y'know I ain't gonna let just any guy date Red – she's my best friend. He's gotta prove to me he's worthy of her. Especially since he ain't of our social set."

"Yeah, who he is?" he asked. "Some nobody from nowhere? He ain't a supercriminal, is he?"

"Just because he ain't a supercriminal don't make him a nobody," replied Harley.

"Is he at least a criminal?" asked Joker.

"I dunno," replied Harley, shrugging. "I'm sure we'll find out. All I know is Red met him through some online dating site."

"What the hell does that mean?" he asked.

"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, you know!" exclaimed Harley. "Using the internet to meet people! Setting up a virtual profile and getting messages from guys who are interested and then going on dates with them to try to find your soulmate."

"You seem to know a lot about this," he snapped, glaring at her.

"I ain't ever used it, but I know how to use the internet," retorted Harley.

He shook his head. "Internet. Online dating. Virtual profiles," he muttered. "Whatever happened to the good old fashioned way of finding your soulmate?"

"What, become her patient and then seduce her?" asked Harley, grinning at him.

He shrugged. "It worked, didn't it?"

"It sure did, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him.

They parked in front of the Iceberg Lounge and entered at the back to see the usual clientele of supervillains and criminals in the private room reserved for them by the Penguin. He waddled over to them as they entered, puffing on his usual cigar and beaming.

"Joker, Harley, always a pleasure to see you both," he said, holding out his hand. "How is my favorite homicidal couple?"

"Crazier than ever, thanks, Pengers," replied Joker, shaking his hand. Penguin started in pain, and Joker grinned, holding up a nail attached to his palm. "Gotcha, Pengers!"

"Yes, yes, very droll," muttered Penguin, massaging his hand.

"You seen the Weed Lady?" asked Joker. "We're meant to be meeting her and her new farmer here."

"Pamela is dating a farmer?" asked the Penguin, puzzled.

"No, it's a joke," snapped Joker. "Because he's ploughing her field? Aw, c'mon, Pengers, even Harley got that one," he said, as Harley giggled.

"Perhaps she is more attuned to your sense of humor," retorted Penguin.

"Yeah, at least she's got one," replied Joker. He clapped him on the back, and Penguin flinched again as the nail dug into him. "I'm just kidding, Pengers, you're a real sport! How about bringing a couple of pre-dinner cocktails over for me and the lady? I have a feeling we're gonna need them."

He chuckled, striding over to a table in the corner with Harley following. He sat down and looked around, and his face broke into a grin when he saw who was seated at the neighboring table.

"Hope we're not crashing your date, Johnny and Jervis!" he called, waving at them.

"Oh for the love of Carroll, not him," muttered Jervis Tetch, burying his face in his hands.

"Oh for God's sake…it's not a date, Joker!" growled Jonathan Crane. "Why are two men unable to go out for a few drinks together without people thinking they're a couple?"

"Dunno. Sad reflection of the state of society, ain't it?" sighed Joker. "Sad that people can't just be themselves without other people judging. Sad that people have to lie about being on a date with another guy. But don't worry, I don't judge. You can admit it. Always thought you both batted for the other team. Always thought that Alice obsession was just a massive sublimation of your attraction to men, Hatty. Well, what with the top hat thing, it don't take a shrink to see the Freudian implications of that are pretty obvious."

"Hey, I never thought about that before, but it is kinda obvious, ain't it?" exclaimed Harley, beaming.

"Gee, you must not have been a very good shrink, pooh, if you missed that," chuckled Joker. "It's as obvious as Pengers and his cigars."

"What?" snapped Penguin, who had brought over the cocktails.

"Nothing, Pengers," replied Joker, grinning at him. "How's the girlfriend?"

"I don't have a girlfriend," retorted Penguin.

"Not surprised," giggled Joker, and Harley joined in.

"You are a real bastard, you know that?" snapped Crane. "Just because the three of us haven't been as lucky as you and found a woman as special as Harley, there's no need to mock us for it. Why don't you just keep quiet and appreciate what you've got instead of making fun of us for not being as fortunate? I bid you good evening, you heartless monster. Good evening, Harley," he said, nodding politely at her before he strode off.

"Hey, no need to be like that! I think you and Hatty make a cute couple!" called Joker after him, laughing.

Tetch remained seated and didn't remove his head from his hands, except to order another drink.

Poison Ivy entered the room at that moment, followed by an attractive, muscular man, pleasantly tanned and tall. "Sorry we're late," she said, coming over to Joker and Harley's table and smiling. "Ricardo had to finish his workout."

"Sounds like fun," chuckled Joker. "Probably took him more than five minutes, too."

"Sorry?" said Ivy, puzzled.

"Nothing," laughed Joker, as Harley giggled.

"It wasn't his own workout – it was a client," explained Ivy. "Ricardo is a personal trainer. Ricardo, I'd like you to meet the Joker and Harley Quinn. Harley, J, Ricardo," she said, introducing them.

"How ya doing, Ricky?" asked Joker, holding out his hand. Ivy intercepted Ricardo's hand before he could return the handshake, glaring at Joker. He chuckled, and took off the joy buzzer attached to his palm. "Got me, Pammie!" he giggled. "Aw, Ricky, you're lucky you got a gal who knows my tricks!"

"It's Ricardo," corrected Ricardo, humorlessly. "That's the name I was given, so I appreciate being called by it."

"Aw, ain't that cute?" chuckled Joker. "Names ain't never meant a lot to me, Ricky, since I can't really remember the name I was given. I call myself the Joker, but it's a pretty arbitrary thing, and I guess people can call me whatever they want!"

"People can call me Ricardo," retorted Ricardo, firmly.

"Ricardo's a pretty serious-minded guy," said Ivy as they all sat down.

"Really? I couldn't tell," said Joker, grinning. "I can see tonight's gonna be a blast already, eh, Ricky?"

"Puddin', behave yourself," said Harley. "Should we order you both a cocktail before dinner?"

"Ricardo doesn't drink," said Ivy.

"Alcohol does terrible things to your liver," explained Ricardo. "I did a lot of my fitness training with recovering alcoholics, and it was enough to turn me off the stuff forever. People think drinking is just a lot of fun, but honestly it's no joke."

"Oh yeah, you gotta take your health seriously," said Joker, nodding sagely as he reached into his jacket for a cigar. He put it to his lips and lit it, inhaling deeply. "I mean, what's more precious than your life, am I right?"

He exhaled into Ricardo's face. "Puddin'!" hissed Harley, snatching the cigar from him and kicking him under the table.

"I'm sure you're perfectly aware of the dangers of second-hand smoke," said Ricardo. "You're right, there's nothing more precious than life. And smoking isn't just a question of your life – it's also endangering the lives of the people around you."

Joker looked at him. "Y'know, you remind me of someone, Ricky," he said, thoughtfully. "Can't put my finger on it at the moment, but something about the deadpan sincerity, the humorlessness, the value of life…Jesus, it's on the tip of my tongue," he muttered, irritated, as he knocked back the cocktail. "Really gonna annoy me too, until I think of it."

"Should we just order dinner?" asked Ivy, trying to break the silence. "Pengers knows I'll always have my usual," she said, beckoning him over. "Purely processed food, so no plants are harmed in the making of it."

"Harley and me want steaks, rare enough to still taste the blood," said Joker, grinning. "Seeing as we're both bloodthirsty and all," he chuckled, pinching her cheek. She squeaked happily and kissed him.

"I won't bother informing you about the unhealthiness of eating basically raw meat," said Ricardo, glancing at the menu. "I need something gluten free, Pamela. I trust that's an option?"

"Oh, of course, sweetie, I forgot," said Ivy. "Sorry, Pengers, Ricardo can't have gluten," she said. "He's also on a strictly vegan diet. Also, no salt. He's allergic to salt."

"How can a guy be allergic to salt?" asked Joker. "It's like in everything."

"Yes, it's been very difficult," retorted Ricardo. "Thank you for your sympathy."

"So what happens if you have salt?" asked Joker. "Give me details."

"It's not very pleasant – I get a tightness in my chest and I can't breathe, and I start to swell up," he said.

"Yeah, that don't sound like a lotta fun," said Joker, nodding. "Excuse me, I just gotta use the facilities," he said, standing up suddenly and leaving the table.

"And I just gotta…do that too," said Harley, leaping to her feet and following him. She found Joker by the door to the kitchen, speaking to one of the chefs and handing him a packet of salt.

"Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, rushing over to them and snatching away the salt. "You can't go around trying to make Red's boyfriend have a cardiac arrest!"

"Why not?" asked Joker. "He's no fun. Boring, straight-laced, picky…"

"Look, he ain't my type of guy either, but if he makes Red happy, we should be happy for her," interrupted Harley, firmly. "So why we just sit down and try to have a nice, pleasant evening together?"

"With him?" said Joker, raising his eyebrows. "That's a joke, pooh, but it ain't a funny joke."

"Just be nice, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, dragging him back to the table. "At least now that we've got all the introductions outta the way, we can try to get used to each other and things won't have to be too uncomfortable."

At that moment, the door to the Iceberg Lounge opened, and Two-Face strode in. "Spoke too soon," muttered Harley.

Joker laughed. "Awkward!" he giggled. "Hey, Harvey, come and meet your replacement!" he chuckled, calling him over.

"Excuse me?" said Two-Face, puzzled.

"Pammie's new hunk of manhood," said Joker, nodding at Ricardo. Ivy glared at Joker, but forced a smile as she made the introductions.

"Harvey, this is Ricardo. Ricardo, Harvey. We used to date."

"And I heard when you both were going through a dry spell, you still gave each other a good watering," laughed Joker.

"Pleased to meet you," growled Two-Face, trying to ignore Joker.

"And you, Harvey. You'll pardon me for mentioning it, but have you ever thought of using moisturizer on your face?" asked Ricardo. "It can do wonders, really, you'd be surprised."

"Nah, it's um…third degree burning – pretty permanent," muttered Two-Face. "Nothing a little lotion is going to help anyway."

"Like I said, I think you might be surprised," said Ricardo.

"Ok, thanks, but really it's none of your business," growled Two-Face.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help – no need to get defensive," retorted Ricardo.

"Harvey, why don't you just go away if you're going to be rude?" snapped Ivy.

"Fine by me," retorted Two-Face, storming off.

"Harvey, a quick word in your ear!" exclaimed Joker, running after him.

Harley probably should have been suspicious, but she didn't think the Joker would try the same joke twice. She was mistaken. When the meals were brought, Ricardo only had a bite of his before his face suddenly grew red and he struggled to breathe. The result of which was pure chaos, with Ivy screaming, panicking, and calling an ambulance, and Harley trying to help, while Joker just sat back and calmly ate his steak.

When Ivy and Ricardo had both driven off in the ambulance, Harley turned to Joker, who was wiping his lips with his napkin. "Mr. J," she muttered. "I told you not to put salt in his food!"

"I didn't, pooh," retorted Joker. "I'm completely innocent. It's a mystery to me how salt got in his meal. True, I may have let slip to Harvey that Ricky was allergic to salt, and I may even have provided Harvey with a packet of sodium chloride, but that's it, I swear."

Harley sighed and sat down, cutting into her own steak, which was cold by now. "No point in letting the food go to waste, anyway," she sighed. "I hope Ricardo's ok."

"He'll be fine, pooh, he clearly takes such good care of himself that he's probably harder to kill than…"

He suddenly snapped his fingers. "That's who he reminds me of!" he laughed. "I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier! It's Bats! He's just like Bats if he were even less funny and even more annoying! Aw, now I feel kinda bad for trying to poison the guy! That's not how I'd treat Bats, after all. If he survives this and we all go out again, I'll devise a special death just for him, just to show there's no hard feelings, how about that, pooh?"

"You're such a thoughtful guy, Mr. J," sighed Harley, kissing him. "I'm such a lucky gal to have you."