This is the second installment of the Confession Conundrum. I still own nothing! Review if you wish to.
"Amy…when Leonard told Penny he loved her she left him…I don't want you to leave me."
Amy stopped in her place. Had she heard him say those words? She must have, she was sure of it. She had hear her lanky boyfriend tell her, ask her, beg her, to stay.
Her outstretched arm, which had been hovering mere inches away the handle, dropped like a rock as she turned to fully face Sheldon.
Wordlessly, but as clearly as though she had screamed at him, she proved to him she would stay.
She would always stay.
But now Amy wanted nothing more than to verbally confirm she would, tell him, reassure him, comfort him, logically justify to him that she wasn't going anywhere.
However, her body had other ideas, while her brain ordered her mouth to move, to speak, to go towards him; she just stood there wide eyed. Her heart was racing, she felt as though she had just completed a marathon, and if it were humanly possible, or if she was some fictional cartoon character in one of boy's comic books, she was quite sure her jaw would have hit the floor emphasizing, albeit a tad comically, just how shocked she felt.
She tried to compile herself, tried to speak, tried to gain control of her body again but her clumsy attempts at composure were futile as she was now completely lost in the awe over the idea that her boyfriend, the very same one who disapproved of any sort of emotions, was near the point of tears because he believed that she intended to leave him. Something she never could see herself actually going through.
His barely-audible confession confused her almost as much as it intrigued her. She had never once considered that her Sheldon had drawn parallels from her and his bestie's relationship to their own; such an idea, quite honestly, Klingon Boggle-d her mind.
This feeling was overwhelming, she could barely hold back the tears that threatened to overflow past her eyelids and run down her cheek.
"I must be strong," she thought to herself "for Sheldon's sake."
Meanwhile, a few feet away, a very rattled Sheldon, who by the way was quite amazed with himself that he hadn't fainted by now, was left trying to come up with an effective way to defuse the current situation. However he had a few minor distractions that seemed to thwart his attempts at completing a comprehensive sentence.
Though, it should be noted that during this time in between the awkward moments filled with silence, he was able to choke out some weak "um"'s. He felt more useful when Amy had tried to move in with him.
First of all, he was internally freaking out because he had, moments earlier, voiced out loud his single biggest fear since he had rescued his little vixen from the clutches of the repulsive and repellent picture book peddler, Stewart, some years ago.
And no matter how much he hated to admit it, he WAS afraid of losing Amy, he WAS afraid she would leave him, he WAS afraid she'd conclude he wasn't worth waiting for and run off with some drunken rapscallion like his brother (he made a mental note then and there to never invite him to Pasadena anymore…just in case), Kurt, the man she had admitted to have some sexual attraction to at the beginning of their relationship, or, and this was the worst case scenario, some kind of unnamed dirty hippie who would come and prey upon her. Sheldon shuttered a little bit at the thought. He couldn't stand to have Amy in the arms of another man.
Secondly, Sheldon was bothered with himself, specifically, his sudden mutism. With how much he was saying he could make a sober Raj feel like a chatty Cathy around women. How was it that he, the brilliant physicist who, in matter of time, would have towns named after him and his Nobel Prize, couldn't come up with one damn thing to say while his girlfriend of so many years was standing in front of him obviously on the verge of tears.
The Texan in him was appalled that he could just stand there, not doing anything to comfort the person who made him feel the most happy, and still feel like here were a man.
God did he feel pathetic.
However, the biggest strain on his sanity was probably how he was acting or rather, how he wasn't acting.
How was it possible, unlike his earlier run-ins with emotions of the romantic nature, he hadn't run away from the problem, he hadn't screamed, he hadn't pretend to have moved to some other location and obscure his identity with an over sized orange winter coat mid-August? How was that he had, instead, thought about the situation, worried about Amy's needs, and was thinking of all the actions he may be capable of doing to stop Amy from leaving? How?
It was almost funny he thought. Who would have thought that he, the great Sheldon Cooper and resident germaphobe, was standing here, sifting through every possible solution to keep this one precious person in his life? Despite how many possible germs she had on her person.
Well, he thought, it was no secret that he was fond of Amy; he had even admitted as much way back when Penny had asked him if he was going to ever have relationship of a sexual nature with his vixen of a girlfriend. He had informed her of its possibility.
The more he thought the more he found he was fond of her.
He was fond of her intellectual abilities, and utterly fascinated by her dynamic way of being very shrewd if the social situation called for it.
He admired how selfless she was, like when she forwent her ideals of a perfect Valentine's Day to make him feel comfortable.
He absolutely couldn't get enough of her witty dialogue and cute jokes, while sometimes lame, always got him to crack a smile, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't love the way his Amy could get him so outside his comfort zone and make it feel almost normal.
Wait.
Back the Texas truck up.
What had he just thought?!
"Loved the way my Amy did WHAT?"
"LOVED?! MY AMY?!"
These weren't the kind of things he said sober (Penny had informed him that once drunk he had threatened Will Wheaton for insulting "his woman" but he had accounted that for being drunk off his rocker by some very bad tea)
This was too much.
Sheldon's head started to spin. He couldn't stand, his knees locked and he felt as though his legs had disintegrated faster than if they had been shot with a handheld phaser.
He desperately needed support. His lanky arms flew out, striking the empty air violently as he struggled to stay conscious.
It was a frightening sight to witness; most people would have backed away, shielding themselves from the unbalanced Sheldon, leaving him to fall, but not Amy.
Though she didn't know what to do logically, as she'd never seen Sheldon fight so hard to stay conscious, nor had she ever wanted so desperately to wish she had remained quiet about her feelings, her instinct told her to move closer.
To catch him.
Swiftly and quickly she closed the space between them and grabbed hold of her considerably taller boyfriend's hand. She knew it was against the agreement to do so but by this point she wasn't sure if that was still valid anymore and she couldn't stand seeing him in pain anymore.
Carefully, Amy, who decided to act like a living crutch, let him lean on her and, almost immediately, he, though still barely conscious, dropped all of his weight onto his petite girlfriend.
Gently she led him to the couch, his spot of course, and repeatedly chanted what she felt were comforting thoughts like "It's okay Sheldon, I'm here, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.", "Just hold on to me. You'll be okay."
Not quite fully aware of what she was doing to him or where he was going; Sheldon blindly followed. He couldn't focus, all the stress that had accumulated in the past few minutes, or had it been hours, he'd never know for sure, was pressing down on him like a million tons. Once they made it to his spot he collapsed, passed out cold from stress.
Noticing how obviously distressed her boyfriend was, Amy, who had finally collected her wits, did what any logical person would do; she made a pot of Chamomile tea, arranged pillows all around the couch in case he were to fall off and cause himself great harm, prepped both an icepack and a heating pad, and finally, got the smelling salts that she was sure were located in an airtight box in the bathroom cupboard.
While she had left to retrieve the smelling salts, which had really been all of three minutes, Sheldon had revived himself and noticed that he was alone in his apartment complex.
The fears he had been harboring for months, years even, came crashing down.
He was alone.
She had left.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no oh no oh no, this is not good. She left, how could she have left? She can't leave…I- I need her." Sheldon sputtered as he regained his mobility skills.
Sitting bolt up right now he panicked, "Amy…she can't be gone, she can't leave she-"
"Sheldon!" Amy interrupted, "You're up! I was so worried"
Amy had heard his desperate pleas for her and whatever was left of her heart nearly tore itself in two. "I have some tea for you" she said as she passed him his trademark red mug.
"Amy!" Sheldon cried. "You're back, you're here!" then he stopped himself before saying in a hushed whisper, "Amy…I thought you had gone…I thought you had left me…I don't want you to leave me…I'm…I'm very fond of you."
Smiling softly Amy nodded, "I know Sheldon, I know."
The next few moments passed in silence as Sheldon sipped his tea nervously. Amy looked down at the red carpet, as though it had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the world.
Neither dared speak.
Sheldon, now much calmer, reflected on his past statements earlier in the night. He had almost said something totally different from "fond" in his confession to Amy, but changed his mind last minute.
What had stopped him?
He obviously cared for her a lot, he wished her to stay with him, he required her company, and he valued her advice above anyone else's. He also found her pleasing to look at, not that he held much stock in physical appearances, and the way she smiled when she called him her boyfriend made his heart feel weird. If he were a hippie he would have said he was in love, but Sheldon Cooper doesn't know how to be in love.
Does he?
At that moment a searing pain hit his chest, and in that moment he remembered, however briefly, the look of despair and sadness Amy had sported when she told him that he could leave her if he wanted because she simply was in loved him.
Damn eidetic memory he thought to himself.
It was not a pleasant memory. Her lovely face had become contorted, displaying her hurt and fear of rejection clearly on her face. If even he had grasped that she was in dire distress then it must have been bad as he and emotions did not go together.
Finally tired of the silence Amy spoke up. "Hey Sheldon, why don't we play a nice, friendly, game of counterfactuals, you know, before I go home for the night? It's nearly your bedtime and I'd rather not be the cause of a schedule malfunction as you've already been ill this evening"
"That sounds acceptable" Sheldon replied robotically.
He was only half listening really, he was much more focused on this new cornucopia of dreaded feelings he had seemingly uncovered in his thoughts about Amy and love.
"I'll go first" Amy smiled brightly, happy that he had responded to her attempt at communication. "In a world where anti-matter doesn't exist, what does the universe look like?"
"Clothed" He said flatly.
Taken aback by his odd answer, Amy responded "uhhh I was looking for Moscow…would you care to defend your answer?"
"When I do problems dealing with things like particle physics and quantum physics it's like I'm staring at the universe naked. If anti-matter didn't exist, then I no longer have motivation to do particle physics and work solely on my string theory, so it's clothed." Sheldon said more mechanically than normal.
Amy stared at him as though he had suddenly duplicated himself. That had hardly been the answer she'd been expecting. She decided to remain silent on the issue though as she was trying to coax Sheldon out of his hole and make things as "normal" as they were ever going to get around here.
"Alright, Sheldon, uh-h I'll go again," Amy said with more enthusiasm than she thought might be necessary for the occasion.
"In a world where scientists have developed handheld rail guns, how many planets are in our solar system?" A simple one Amy thought. Obviously there'd be ten and no need of an explanation.
"Nine" Sheldon said, his eyes darting from Amy's shocked expression to the black tv screen.
He sighed.
"Obviously Amy Farrah Fowler, if we were in a world where scientists can develop handheld rail guns then we must also have realized that Pluto is a darn good planet, regardless of what that hotshot Dr. Tyson believes."
"My apologies," Amy muttered "you are obviously correct."
Though she didn't feel that he was right, now was not the time to get into a big scientific debate about Pluto.
Besides Pluto was her favorite Planet as child anyway.
"Amy…I have one" Sheldon said looking her straight in the eyes.
Now this wasn't his normal loving eye-coitus type look either, this was a look filled with intent. It were as though the words he were about to utter meant the difference between life and death.
Amy worried greatly that it might be.
He took a deep breath before continuing.
"Amy…In a world where Leonard had confessed his love for Penny and HE was the one to walk away, not her, what effect would it have on our girlfriend/boyfriend relationship?" His voice was barely above a whisper by the time he said the word "relationship", and, quite frankly, looked as though all the air had been let out of his favorite balloon.
Without a moment's hesitation Amy had a response ready "None" she said. Loudly, proudly, like she wanted everyone to know that nothing could stop their relationship from growing, and she did.
"None?" he mimed back, question etched in his pale thin face.
"Yes, Sheldon Lee Cooper, none." She replied, the determination from earlier that night had returned like a phoenix, reborn from the ashes that had developed somewhere between him fainting and him asking her this question.
"You must realize Sheldon, we are not like them. Our relationship, of both body and mind, are set firmly in stone by a legally binding contract and is built on honesty and mutual admiration that skews slightly in your favor. If anything of the two of us you're the greater flight risk because you reject notions like jealousy, love, and intimacy. I did too at one time and now wish I hadn't changed to make you uncomfortable." Amy's voice was tender, and soft. Almost like a lullaby reassuring him that everything was okay.
"And Sheldon," she said, her hand resting firmly on his, "I'm sorry, that I pushed you too far by telling you I loved you. I'm your girlfriend and it's because I love you it's my job to consider your needs above my own"
Sheldon's mouth was agape while his eyes darted from her soft warm hand, to her glowing green eyes.
"Amy…I…I like it when you push, I feel…stronger, and weaker at the same time and yet…I'm happy…I like this change" he said, the conviction of his words evident in his voice, no matter how nervous he sounded.
"However, I do want to know how on earth there can someone be as sweet and selfless as you Amy Farrah Fowler? You're a wonderful combination of saint and squirrel and It is unfathomable that someone like you exists." he asked bluntly.
Not giving her a chance to answer he continued talking as though he were wondering why someone would kick a puppy.
"How is it possible too, that so many people have taunted you, hurt you, made your knuckle hair grow exponentially with Rogaine, and disrespect you, when you are nothing short of amazing?" he paused for a micro second.
"And…Amy Farrah Fowler," he started, timidly again, "How is it that you, someone who is so pragmatic, caring, and just down-right perfect, in love with a callus egomaniac like me?"
"Because Sheldon," she said as she pondered how she was capable of making a full sentence after the wave of praise she had just received, "You're not a callus egomaniac, you're a confident, smart, witty, caring, enthusiastic, and one of the best people I've ever met, plus it doesn't hurt that my ovaries quiver whenever you mention your sexy eidetic memory"
"Amy…I…I want to know how you knew you loved me. I don't know what love is outside the release of oxytocin, and vasopressin in the brain, and since you're a brain scientist, can't you tell me?"
He put his hand not encased by her smaller one on top of hers and held it there. Amy wondered for a moment if the hackneyed phrases of "fitting like a puzzle piece" had some credence
Finally, she breathed slightly, sitting up straighter in her seat as she answered him.
"Sheldon…the key piece of information you need to know here is that I've known, for a very long time, that I've loved you. Since before we played doctor, since before my drunken encounter with you, since before I held your hand as an experiment, I've known. Penny would say it was love at first sight though in reality it wasn't. To be accurate it was second sight, when the two of you drove by my house and we had our first official date. I knew you were the one there and then, deep down I knew I knew. But my walls were still up then, I still didn't trust in love, and at most thought it was simply a temporary release of endorphins. It wasn't until this longing to be near you grew larger and larger, when I couldn't go a few days without thinking about you, how you smiled, laughed, and could logically deduce such complicated things as string theory as though it were 9th grade geometry. Then you introduced me to all of your other friends and for once I felt acceptance. I felt like I finally fit in here and it was all thanks to you. You alone, with your open heart, had accepted me, unconditionally, and made me feel…like I wasn't alone anymore…do you know what I mean?"
Sheldon gulped.
He had.
He had felt that same intensity she was talking about…multiple times.
She had made him feel accepted, unique, wanted; more so than any of the others. Never once had she belittled him, even if he had her, never once had she called him crazy, though she must have known he had been tested as a child, never once had she made him feel too out of place because no matter how hard she pushed, it was never something he couldn't do.
Was this love then?
Was this pain in his chest his body telling him he was in love with Amy Farrah Fowler?
Was this the happy, needy, highly desired feeling everyone was after but had somehow eluded him?
He knew the answer before even asking the question.
Yes.
He, Sheldon Lee Cooper, was in love with the most amazing person in the world.
He, Sheldon Lee Cooper was in love with a little vixen who knew how he worked almost as well as he knew string theory.
He, Sheldon Lee Cooper was in love with one Amy Farrah Fowler, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
In this moment of eureka Sheldon looked at Amy.
Her eyes were searching him, waiting for him to answer, waiting for some kind of rejection, waiting for him to tell her how much of her lovely soliloquy was nothing but pure hokum.
It never came.
Instead Sheldon leaned over towards her, looked her in the eyes with love and admiration before whispered "Amy Farrah Fowler…I think I love you too" and kissed her square on the lips.
Much like their first kiss it was short but sweet, both eyes closed, and when Sheldon pulled back all she could muster out was a simple "fascinating".
"So what does this mean then?" he asked as their eye coitus started.
"I suppose it means," Amy began, staring back at him. "That you and I are two people currently in a stable, lasting, romantic relationship with the loves of our lives."
She was grinning from ear to ear.
They sat next to each other in a comfortable silence, doing nothing but stare into each other's eyes until her watch alarm went off telling her it was now past ten o'clock. She'd need to be getting home soon and Sheldon would need to be getting to bed.
"I have to go…" Amy said reluctantly "I have work in the morning, and so do you…we'll Skype tomorrow normal time?"
"I'd like that," Sheldon said a bit dreamily.
As they both rose to approach the door they suddenly became aware of noises…people…talking behind the apartment door.
It was unmistakable, even without Vulcan hearing the couple could hear their friends arguing feet away.
"NO RAJ, I STILL DON'T HEAR ANYTHING," Came Howard's voice. Amy assumed he had his ear pressed against the door.
"Maybe they're doing it in his room?" A muffled voice that was either Raj's or Penny's came next.
"Oh God, don't say that I have to still live here once you all leave." That was obviously Leonard whining like a small child.
"You shouldn't be spying on them," came a high pitched voice the duo deduced could only be Bernie. "It's not nice."
Trading glances the new couple rolled their eyes. "Why are our friends so fascinated with our love lives when their own need more work?" Sheldon questioned before opening the door to reveal three thirty something year olds with their ears against where the door had been. Two very angry girls were crossing their arms disapprovingly behind them with a "If he's mad you deserve it" sort of face.
With a wide grin, Sheldon looked down at Amy and said "Good night Amy, lunch in your lab or mine tomorrow?"
"Mine, she responded, "We can play with Ricky Jr. before I have to dissect his brains next week."
"It's a date." Sheldon said before giving her a light hug and bidding her good night.
Needless to say, this little encounter left the rest of the people inside or near 4A very confused as they were positive that the Shamy had been set on a broken train track.
As Sheldon turned to leave the hallway he heard his friends ask a million questions to which he replied "Sorry, it's about something you wouldn't understand
And he was right.
None of them, not even married man Howard, could ever understand the complexity and depth of his love of Amy. He was a certified genius and had only realized an hour ago that he was, in fact, in love with her.
Before he settled down for bed that night, his head spun with all the events of that evening, the torment, the angst, the unadulterated love he felt for his girlfriend. It was singlehandedly the most startling and amazing emotion he had ever felt in his life and he was glad that he got to share it with Amy.
Whatever was going to happen next, as long as she was there he would be prepared enough.