Title: The Bleeding

Warning: Implied attempted suicide and high levels of angst. Do not read if this is a sensitive area for you. Originally posted with an M rating but there's nothing sexual so I've re-posted at a T with this strong warning. Not a death-fic.

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of the awesome Rob Thurman, just playing with them and shall return after some Angst, H/C.

Timeline: Set approx a week after Cal's return from Grendel hell, so best if you have at least read Nightlife.

POV: Niko's

A/N - I have personal experience of some of the darker themes I bring up in this work and I have written this partly in honour, and in memory, of a good friend of mine I lost last year, who I wish I could have been more of a Niko to when she needed me. I hope you know I will love you always and this is for you, put out there in the world, bold, unashamed and forever, like your wonderful self.

This was also partly inspired by two VERY different songs, The Bleeding by Five Finger Death Punch and Furious Angels by Rob Dougan. The first I can see Cal playing in his room or whilst sparring with Nik to hide the noise! The second, just an awesome song from one of my fave albums ever. There's also a very teeny weeny nod to one of my favourite scenes in an awesome tv show in here which some of you may or may not get..

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"…you can't go now, cause love, like an invisible bullet has shot me down and I'm bleeding - yeah, I'm bleeding - And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me…Cause love, like a blow to the head, has left me stunned and I'm reeling - yeah, I'm reeling, and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me"

Rob Dougan, Furious Angels.

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I took just a moment to myself as I came to full consciousness. Lying on my side, I watched the heavy rain gliding down the full length window through the gap in the blinds. The day had dawned, barely. You'd hardly know it from the dreariness, only the green blinking of the ancient digital clock beside me confirmed it.

The cold radiated from the glass, sucking what little heat there was from the small room. It was the kind of day you took a moment to yourself when you woke. The kind of day many would call it then and there and just pull up the covers, roll over and go back to sleep. That wasn't me though. And for me, it was never an option. Certainly not now.

I was already running through my katas in my head when a noise from inside the room had me turning onto my back and a sick dread settling in my stomach as heavy and as dark as the day. The moment I had taken was too long.

He'd been back only a week. A week back from hell. Unimaginable Grendel hell. My brother. My Cal.

I sat up quickly. His shadowy form was sillhoutted against the stark bathroom strip light, his longer than I remembered hair draping, limp around his face, his thin body so much taller.

There was blood dripping from his right hand. His blood. His left hand clutched a knife in a white knuckle grip. I knew instantly. I knew instantly what he'd done. My brother. My Cal.

For a split second nothing happened. I couldn't move and he just looked up at me. The worst, most pained expression I have seen in my life. His words spurred me back into the world.

"Wrong" he rasped, barely forming the word, tears in his red rimmed eyes.

I was in front of him. Careful. Quick, yet slow…smooth, so as not to startle him. Already berating myself. I never thought...

"Cal" I said softly, "Cal, give me the knife"

He didn't have to. His eyes reached me again, the look pulling into my soul, tugging and twisting till I felt his pain as real as my own. He was my Cal, and yet right now he was so far from my Cal, my own eyes burned. The knife clattered to the floor as he fell forward into my arms, barely a feather of a weight.

"..my god Cal, no" I whispered, easing us both to the floor. I grabbed his arm, the wound looked deep but it was hard to tell with blood everywhere. As I lay him down I immediately scrambled back up to the bathroom, grabbing all the towels I could find to stem the red spreading across the worn motel carpet. My heart was thumping, threatening to tear itself out of my chest with every beat. I could hear nothing else.

"no Cal" I mumbled over and over, "no, no, no, don't you do this to me, not now"

I pulled him up against me, his clammy, pale skin against mine. I dabbed and then bound the towels as tightly as I could against the cut. My hands were shaking. It wasn't that bad. I told myself. It wasn't that bad...

I took a shaky deep breath. I might have forgotten to breathe till now. I had to keep control.

He was still unconscious as I pulled his head closer to me, pulling back his hair from his gaunt face. This was the first time I'd been close to him since the night of his return. His pulse was fast, fast but strong. Thank god. I slipped my arms under him and lifted him up with ease, placing him gently on the bed, and pulling him up close to me again, just for a moment.

I should never have let him out of reach. Even under the bed seemed like too far now. Much too far. Damn it! I cursed. I should have seen this. I should have stopped this. I should have stopped all of this. I should have stopped them. They took my Cal and they gave me back this, this shell! This hollow, pained and broken shell. Anger coursed through me, at them, at myself.

"I'm so sorry Cal, I should have been there. I'm so sorry" I meant then. I meant right now. How the hell did I miss this? How did he hide this from me?

He stirred against me with a light groan.

"Cal? Cal, its ok, I'm here, I'm here" Another groan.

"Cal, please wake up, ok?" my voice betrayed me, cracked and full of built-up emotions I could handle no longer.

"I need you little brother, I just got you back.." I mumbled into his hair.

He'd barely spoken since his return. And by barely I mean, not even a sentence. I found that one of the hardest things. The silence. The silence and all it held, everything it said. Everything it wordlessly screamed at me. My brothers pain and my failure to protect him. He had returned to me and now I had failed him again.

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