As I lay in my bed, I thought of all the good times I spent with Sam and Patrick. I thought of those blissful moments with them when I truly felt that I belonged somewhere; that i had people I could belong with. I thought of the parties with Mary Elizabeth, Alice, Bob and everyone else. I thought of how understanding everyone was. I thought of how fun it felt to attend those parties with everyone. I thought of how everyone had a place to belong during those parties. I thought of how everyone was given a chance to be themselves when we were all gathered together. I thought of how they spent those parties with people they cared about; people I cared about.
I must have fallen asleep because my head was suddenly filled with dreams. And I dreamt of her. And of our kiss. I awoke, feeling pathetic again because my dream was not real. I sat up and put my head n my hands, thinking. I know that what I did was wrong. Sam. Our kiss. I know that even thinking about it the way I am now is wrong too. I just didn't know of any other way of being truthful. I just hope Mary Elizabeth will soon forgive. I hope everyone else does too. I also hope that she will soon find someone better that will treat her like she is everything. And that someone will make her forget about me and about what I had done to her. I know I was never good enough for her and so I really do hope she will soon find the happiness that I probably never will find. I started thinking about the way Sam had looked at me after I had kissed her; the disgust, anger, shock and concern for her friend had all clashed in her eyes. Sam. I missed her. I miss not seeing her every day. I miss not talking to her for so long. I miss just not being around her at all. I know I should be ashamed of what I had done, and on some level I am, but there is also a part of me that was happy of what I had done. I know I have to stay away from everyone else for a while, even if it reduces my happiness to the size of a pea. I know it's the right thing to do right now and I intend to do just that for this moment. My only wish is that I will be forgiven soon enough and I will be able to belong somewhere again.