BEAUTIFUL CREATURES: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

SIX MONTHS BEFORE IT OPENS IN THEATERS

ON THE BLOGOSPHERE

TWI-HARD FANS
"BEAUTIFUL CREATURES is a total TWILIGHT RIPOFF! A boycott! A boycott!"

CONCERNED PRODUCERS
"Are you really a TWILIGHT RIPOFF?"

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES
"No, sir, they just dressed me up like one."

CONCERNED PRODUCERS
"Whew, I was worried there for a moment!"

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES
"It's tough being a FANTASY MOVIE based on a BESTSELLING YOUNG ADULT NOVEL in the TWILIGHT age."

FADE IN

EXT. THE DEEP STEREOTYPICAL SOUTH

AIDEN EHRENREICH is brooding broodily in voice-over.

"The dream is always the same. There's a girl with her hair blowing in her face, and I've never seen her before, plus it's like, the Civil War, which is weird, but I go with it. Then it changes - I'm waking up and have to make breakfast for my invisible dad, and VIOLA DAVIS is bustling around my kitchen. And I have to go to school where I'm a total outcast."

INT: A CLASSROOM

ZOEY DEUTCH
"Hi! Wanna go out! I talked to Jesus, and He gave me permission to give you a lap dance, or at least to go to second base."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Go away, you're totally ruining my outcast cred!"

STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND
"Dude, she is hot for you."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
(stuffs fingers in ears, hums)
"La la la, I can't hear you!"

Suddenly, new girl CREEPY ALICE ENGLERT walks in!

ZOEY DEUTCH
"A witch! A witch!"

PRUITT TAYLOR VINCE
"Take a seat, young lady."

ALICE ENGLERT
"You're my homeroom teacher? Who's the principal here - JOHN MALKOVICH?"

PRUITT TAYLOR VINCE
"That's enough. Now, everyone here is going to be required to take part in the UPCOMING CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT. Why? I guess because there's no Big Game or Big Dance in which for the climax to take place."

ZOEY DEUTCH
(stage whisper)
"Get the pig's blood ready! And the pitchforks!"

EXT. THE ROAD to NOWHERE, er. ROMANCE?

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Is that your car in the ditch? Are you hurt? Can I be of assistance?'

ALICE ENGLERT
"Go away! You're ruining my outcast cred."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"But there's no one around. Plus it's pouring out. Get in the car."

ALICE ENGLERT
"Go 'way, I want to brood."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"YOU like to brood? A soul mate! A soul mate!"

ALICE ENGLERT
"OK, you can drive me to the gate, but my creepy uncle, JEREMY IRONS, doesn't like me to fraternize with mortals."

They do.

INT. THE SCHOOL

EXPOSITION TEACHER
"Today, class, we'll be discussing 'To Kill a Mockingbird.' You know, the one with the CREEPTY OUTCAST who nobody likes? Anyone, anyone?"

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Subtly is not this movie's strong suit."

ZOEY DEUTCH
"I'm not going to read this. It's liberal propaganda, and my Mama says if I do, I'll go straight to Hell."

ALICE ENGLERT
"Where did you get your character development from: Clichés R' Us?"

ZOEY DEUTCH
"Don't fuck with a Jesus freak, honey."

Suddenly, the windows all shatter, sending glass flying everywhere, only it's movie glass, which means that no one severs a major vein or anything like that.

ALICE ENGLERT
"Don't fuck with a witch."

EXT. OUTSIDE THE MANSION

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"I was just stopping by to see if you're okay."

ALICE ENGLERT
"Go 'way, I want to brood."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Look, I think it's been satisfactorily established that you're my love interest. Can I meet your creepy uncle?"

INT. THE MANSION OF MAXIMUM CREEPINESS

JEREMY IRONS
"Come in, have a seat."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Gosh, it's nice to finally meet you!"

JEREMY IRONS
"By the way, I can tell your fortune, if you so desire."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
(goes into trance)
"I'm gonna grow up and become a total loser!"

ALICE ENGLERT
"Now he'll hate me, and we can never be friends! Waah!"

JEREMY IRONS
"Oh get over it. Mortals are lame anyway."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Hey, I still love ALICE, even if you're a weirdo."

JEREMY IRONS
"Fine. Now I shall cast the Back to the Future spell, which means the movie now indulges in a bit of TIME TRAVELING, in which AIDEN goes home, but returns and then merges into the AIDEN running away from the mansion the first time."

He does. Then AIDEN returns to the mansion and wakes up in ALICE'S room.

ALICE ENGLERT
"Are you okay?"

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Define "okay.""

ALICE ENGLERT
"I have to tell you something. I'm a CASTER. And my uncle's an evil magician, who's decided to go good and be my guardian. He's overprotective and prone to casting nasty spells when he gets pissed."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"So, everyone's folks are a little weird. My dad's invisible."

ALICE ENGLERT
"No, you don't understand! It's horrible, and I'm totally misunderstood. Plus, when I'm sixteen, my TRUE NATURE is revealed."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"I know you've got a few anger and trust issues, but what teenager doesn't?"

ALICE ENGLERT
"No, when I turn sixteen, I might go totally evil. I can't possibly know ahead of time because….because I'm female. Males get to choose whether to turn bad, but not girls."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"That's kinda sexist. But look, I want to give you this cool locket I found, ALICE. It has our initials, which probably means something significant. Also, I've been dreaming about you a lot. Before we met."

ALICE ENGLERT
"I've been dreaming about you, too. It's FATE!"

AIDEN ENRENREICH
"I got an idea. Let's go out on a date."

ALICE ENGLERT
"This isn't gonna end badly or anything, is it."

EXT. A SWAMP

JEREMY IRONS
"Greetings. What's with all the Tupperware? You having a picnic?"

VIOLA DAVIS
"No, idiot, I'm casting a spell. What do you think I'd be doing? I promised AIDEN'S DEAD MOM that I'd watch out for him, and now he's gone and fallen for your CREEPY NIECE."

JEREMY IRONS
"I'm not happy about this either, you know. What if she goes psycho and kills him? Help me."

VIOLA DAVIS
"Can you say please nicely? I may be a total stereotype, but I don't take no lip from evil demons."

JEREMY IRONS
"Fiiiiine! At least, you get funky tats. I just get to dress like Tom Wolfe."

INT. A CHURCH GATHERING

EMMA THOMPSON
"ALICE ENGLERT has been expelled from every school she's gone to. She's a WITCH, and I say we make her leave town."

MOB
"Yeah! Let's go!"

JEREMY IRONS
"Not so fast. First of all, I own this town. Literally. You don't want to make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

EMMA THOMPSON
"Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus! Let's stone everyone bad - like the liberals and the witches and the homosexuals!"

Suddenly, time is suspended, and EMMA THOMPSON starts cackling - like a WITCH, not a JESUS FREAK, not that there's a whole lot of DIFFERENCE.

EMMA THOMPSON
"You got punked. I'm really SARAFINE, the evilest witch of them all."

JEREMY IRONS
"Nuh-uh; knew it was you all along."

EMMA THOMPSON
"Did not. How's that niece of yours? She getting ready to turn evil?"

JEREMY IRONS
"No! She's gonna stay good."

EMMA THOMPSON
"Don't be so sure. After all, my BAD DAUGHTER is gonna help me make sure ALICE turns evil."

EXT. A FOOTBALL FIELD with a GYM CLASS GOING ON

EMMY ROSSUM pulls up in her sports car, enchants AIDEN and brings him home, where they are having a FORMAL MIDDAY MEAL with the ENTIRE FAMILY even though ALICE is technically allowed to attend school because why should LOGIC govern a MOVIE PLOT?

JEREMY IRONS
"EMMY, this is a surprise!"

EMMY ROSSUM
"You never liked me, Daddy and Mommy, but pretty soon ALICE is gonna go over to the dark side, too! And look, I've just enchanted your guy, although I have to tell you because this is his usual facial expression."

ALICE ENGLERT
(gets psycho look in her eyes)
"Don't fuck with my boyfriend!"

JEREMY IRONS
"Uh, honey, could you make this table stop going all EXORCIST? I feel queasy."

ALICE ENGLERT
"Don't worry, dolt, I also invoked an ANTI-PROJECTILE VOMIT SPELL. Now, get the hell out, EMMY, this is MY TURF!"

JEREMY IRONS
"Damn, this girl is good."

INT. A LIBRARY

ALICE ENGLERT
"I'm here to see if I can figure out how not to go bad in a few weeks. Maybe try out this newfangled Google thing and look up Reversing Spells."

VIOLA DAVIS
(sighs)
"Look, you need to visit the ENCHANTED LIBRARY underneath the real library. Here you go."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Gosh! Gee whiz, this is cool! Is MOANING MYRTLE in the men's room, too?"

VIOLA DAVIS
"Yes, but only ALICE can touch SPELLS FOR DUMMIES. You'll just have to brood at a table and read your SALINGER."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"You mean BUKOWSKI."

VIOLA DAVIS
"Well, at least that's one stereotype the movie's sidestepped."

EXT. OUTSIDE in the BUCOLIC COUNTRYSIDE

ALICE ENGLERT
"So I found the right spell, and it just says that I have to do burn some incense every night, and everything'll be cool."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Really? Awesome. Hey, what about prom?"

ALICE ENGLERT
"Why not? By the way, I want to give you a gift. Anything you want."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"Let's see, I've been whining this entire movie about how badly I want out of this town. But I'll think I'll ask for snow instead!"

It starts to SNOW. The next day, AIDEN wakes up and he's been BEWITCHED so he no longer remembers ALICE, and VIOLA is sad, but she can't do anything, while ALICE broods at home, and the movie threatens to OD in sadness, but then….

It's time for the CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT.

EXT. A BIG FIELD

STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND
"This is majorly boring."

AIDEN EHRENREICH
"I know. Let's just shoot each other, then go play some Nintendo."

THE SIBF does, only because he's been enchanted by EMMY, AIDEN is really injured.

STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND
"Shit, I'm sorry!"

ALICE ENGLERT
"Hey, don't mess with my guy!"

EMMY ROSSUM
"Hah, hah! Now, aren't you ready to go evil yet, ALICE?"

EMMA THOMPSON
"You really are my daughter!"

ALICE ENGLERT
(real line)
"This is a new world, Mama. It ain't all light, and it ain't all dark, and it ain't all ours."

EMMA THOMPSON
"Uh, honey, why are you using double negatives all of a sudden - ah!"

EMMA THOMPSON turns into weeds, and ALICE runs over to UNCONSCIOUS AIDEN who turns into CONSCIOUS JEREMY IRONS.

ALICE ENGLERT
"Uncle, what a surprise!"

JEREMY IRONS
"The curse is broken because I sacrificed myself."

ALICE ENGLERT
"Sucks for you, but at least now AIDEN and I can be together now, right?"

JEREMY IRONS
"Nope. You're still destined to be strangers, albeit ones who exchange flirty glances at each other later on as AIDEN leaves for a college-tour trip."

ALICE ENGLERT and the AUDIENCE
"WTF?"

TWI-HARDS
"This isn't like TWILIGHT at all, and that sucks even worse. A boycott! A boycott!"

NOW SMUG PRODUCERS
"Uh, we already have your money - unless you're watching this online."

TWI-HARDS
"Well, we won't watch the DVD. So there!"

END