Chapter 68

He walked into the living room to see his mother sitting on the couch a police woman next to her.

Gerard sat next to Mikey on the couch. He was trying his best not to cry. He focused on controlling his breathing. It was all his fault. He knew it. He felt trapped. He could just imagine it. He couldn't get the imaged out of his head. He felt sick and dizzy. his mom had let the police woman out and was now stirring her now cold half hour old tea repeatedly looking at nothing.

Gerard felt like talking to Frank but he wasnt sure how to explain. Maybe Frank would blame him to he probably wouldnt want him. He wasn't sure what to think.

He wanted to cry but at the same time he didnt. he felt sick. He couldn't do it anymore. He slowly slipped into the bathroom unnoticed and pulled the top of the razor. He placed it on the floor and stomped as hard as he could. It took a few goes for him to break the plastic surrounding the blades he knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn't sure he was ready to. he places it on the purple vain just light enough to touch the skin but not to cut. He wasn't sure if he was ready. Did he really want to do that to his family after...well. Thinking of it just made him angry. He threw the razor on the

ground. He didn't want this anymore. He was so sick.

He looked around for something else to break. He looked straight into his reflections eyes, picked the mirror up and smashed it into the bath tub. It was almost satisfying watching it crack. not much glass actually came off the mirror, lucky.

He heard the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs, he quickly checked to see if the door was locked. It was, perfect. He picked up the blade again it wasn't very large and he knew he would have to try as hard as he could for it to work. He lightly pulled the blade across his skin almost as if he was warming himself up for what was to come. He didn't bleed with the first fe but as they got deeper more blood began splattering on the floor like rain drops on a window. He let himself sink to the floor. He had no desire to smash his head into the bath tub. He Heard as knocking at the door which he ignored. He looked at his work and he felt the slightest bit of regret seep into his mind. He ignored it.

Once he was done he lowered himself to the floor, so he was lying down, on shaking hands and arms. He lay there on the cold floor just thinking. Thinking about the last few months, thinking about Mikey and how well Gerard knew he'd do, his mom wondering if she'd be okay and Frank and imagining how wonderful his next partner would be. He felt slightly sick thinking of that, thinking about how happy someone else would make Frank, imagining how they would have the perfect life together. Part of him wanted to call his mom and get help but the other part told him that being alive was selfish. Frank was probably only dating him because he felt sorry for him. He felt his eyes become heavy and everything was spinning and blurred. He heard shouting and then the thumping against the door, he knew he should have been worried but he just couldn't bring himself to be.

The last thing he saw was the lock of the door being broken and his mother running over to him.

Gerard, although he knew he wasn't dead, kept his eyes shut. He wanted to be dead, just a little longer. When he did open his eyes he was surprised to find that he was on the couch. His arms were aching and his head was pounding. He watched as his mother waved her arms frantically at a paramedic. He attempted to listen to their conversation over the ringing in his ears.

"-He's recently lost his dad and he's been having a lot of trouble at school and i think this is my fault and, and, oh god" He was really freaking out. he would have told her it was fine but he couldn't move. He watched Mikey sitting on the seat across from the TV. he looked totally blank.

He didn't notice the second paramedic until he was right next to him.

"You al'right mate? I think we're going to take you up to the hospital now, get you checked out. You might not get home for a few days depending. ou think you can stand?" Gerard nodded. He felt the guy grab his arm and help him into a sitting position. He looked down at his arms that were now bandaged and seemed totally alien.

He sat On the paper covered examination table while an middle aged doctor flipped through files filled with yellow and pink sheets that were falling out and torn at the edges. Gerard could feel the empty cold atmosphere. He wasn't quite sure what he'd been thinking when he thought that killing himself was a good idea but he wished he hadn't. He was such a bad person, what was wrong with him?