The Letter

I sit here, on the same couch Campbell slept on less than two days ago, trying to conjure up the words to say at Campbell's candle light vigil. Honestly, I couldn't be more pissed at Campbell. He's gone. He is finished with this world. Now, I have to live with the fact that my boyfriend killed himself, and I wasn't enough for him.

"It's not your fault." A voice came from the side of me, one that I did not recognize. It was soft and sad but still masculine. I turned to my side slowly. My eyes lock on a boy who has brown hair and brown eyes. I examine him and he looks very familiar, and he is, actually, very attractive. He flashes me the ghost of a smile and it clicks. He looks like— "I'm Campbell's brother, Justin."

"Oh," I say, quietly. "Umm... So why are you here and, well, in my house?" I just want answers.

"Your sister let me in," he starts. He looks so much like Campbell that I just want to wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his chest. I just want Campbell back. "Umm... he-he loved you. He would talk about you so much. How pretty and funny and smart and talented you are. He really, really loved you. More than anyone else, actually."

My eyes glaze over with tears that threaten to fall, but I will not let them. What Campbell did was selfish, regardless of what I'm now hearing. "Umm... Thanks for telling me that and dropping by." I push. I want him to leave; he looks too much like Campbell. So much so that I think he could be Campbell and that all this isn't really happening and my Campbell is back. Then, reality hits and I go back to being sad, helpless Maya.

"Oh no, that's not why I came. Campbell left you something. A letter, actually. I hope it helps you to cope with his death a little bit." Justin says. Tears visibly spring up in his eyes, he fights them back, but they still fall. I get up and wrap my arms around his neck in a comforting embrace. I can't stand to see someone that looks so much like the boy I once loved, be in much pain. I forgot I wasn't the only one effected by Cam's suicide.

"It's okay. He's okay. You're okay." I say, trying to sound comforting.

"No, it's not okay. He dead. My little brother is dead. How could this happen? Why did this happen?" Tears are now cascading down his face. He looks so poor, so helpless.

"I don't know why this happened. I just know everything happens for a reason. He couldn't take it. He was sick. Really sick." As I spoke, I realized something. I realized this is the first time I have felt an emotion besides angry related to Cam's death. I feel... sad.

"What possible reason could there be for Campbell dying?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. And I'm sorry I can't give you an answer, but I do know good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Okay?"

"Okay." Justin says as he pulls away. His eyes lock with mine. "I'm sorry for breaking down like that. I've just been trying to stay strong." Justin says as he wipes at the stray tears.

"It's okay to cry," I say. "He was your brother; he was important to you."

"Yeah, well, I gotta get back to the hotel we are staying at," Justin says. "Here's the letter." Justin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a plain white envelope with my name scratched across the center.

"Thanks," I murmur and we share one last, comforting embrace before he leaves.

I sit back down on the couch and stare at the letter in my hands. These are the last words I will ever hear from Campbell. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Ready or not, I have to read it, now. I tentatively slide my finger under the flap of the envelope, careful not to rip it. I get the envelope open and slowly pull out the letter. I hold the triple folded letter in my hands. I know that I must read this, but I don't know if I can. I force myself to unfold the letter. Campbell's messy, boyish handwriting is scribbled across the page. Reading this is going to be hard. Really hard.

Dear Maya,

If you're reading this, I'm sorry because I'm am not there anymore. I'm dead and I took my own life. I am so sorry. I am screwed up and just a terrible person for doing that to you. And I even more sorry because I don't regret it.

I need you to realize that I had to do this. I also need you to realize this had absolutely nothing to do with you. I was depressed and suicide is what depressed people do when they are pushed to far. Sometimes heaven is better than this crazy hell.

I don't expect you to forgive me. You're probably pissed at me and that's beyond understandable. With time, I do hope you will forgive me though.

Maya, I want you to know I will never, never, never forget you. I will love you forever, even now that I'm dead, I won't forget you. I love you and will always love you, dead or alive. I wanted to get better for you, but I just couldn't. I wanted to live for you, but I couldn't take it.

I also want you to know that I'm okay with you moving on. In fact, I want you to move on. Not right away, of course, but I need you to move on eventually. You're only 14 and you have your whole life ahead of you, don't let me screw up your entire life. Someone out there needs you just like I needed you.

Again, I'm sorry. But you know that song that you love, "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. Well, some of the lyrics are, "The path to heaven runs though miles of clouded hell." Well, I honestly couldn't take the clouded hell part and I needed to skip to heaven. And death was the only way out.

Maya, you're strong. You can get through this. The best of us can find happiness in misery. You taught me that so you can find happiness in misery because you are the best of us.

No one on earth was more perfect for me than you Maya. I love you. Thank you so much for being there for me and putting up with me. Thanks for dating the guy that always cried. I wish you the best Maya, but never forget I love you and will always love you. One day, we'll be together again and that day will be the happiest day ever. I love you forever and always. We are infinite.

When you finish reading this, look in the envelope. I put something in there for you.

With the most pure and complete love,

Campbell Saunders

Tears uncontrollably cascaded down my face. I love this boy so damn much and he isn't even alive. I reread the letter ten times to make sure this is real.

I decide it is time to look in the envelope and find my last memento from Cam. I set the letter down beside me and carefully put my hand in the envelope. My hand touches something cold and I clasp my fingers around it. I pull it out of the envelope, and delicately open my fingers to reveal his gift. In the palm of my hand is a plain sterling silver ring. I put it closer to my face to examine it closer. I notice there is something engraved on it.

The infinity sign.

He put the infinity sign because we, Campbell and I, are infinite.

I slowly slide it on to my right hand, ring finger, and hold my hand out to see how it looks. It is truly beautiful.

Campbell literally meant the world to me. He was my everything and now that he's gone it feels as though I lost everything. I miss him forever. And I'm not sure what to do.

That's it. Thanks for reading. Please, review.

Good bye, Campbell Saunders. Even though you weren't real I will miss you.