Usual disclaimers… Unusual disclaimer… Thanks Run DMC!

It's Tricky

Amy had no idea what she was doing as she climbed the stairs to the 4th floor. It was 8:45pm, so it was too late to visit without an invitation. Although, as his emergency contact, she did reserve the right to play the "concerned for you well-being…" card.

Despite forgiving everyone involved except for Jerkass, Elmer Fudd sounding… Kripke, Amy still felt a little bruised over her wild yet false sex life being so widely broadcast at her new place of employment. She needed reassurance and soothing. At that thought, she paused mid-stair. She and Sheldon had made progress today. He'd given her a good apology and had understood his error. Traditionally, any step forward meant that meant he'd be a total ass to her for a week to ten days. She grasped the bannister, she didn't know if she could tolerate that tonight or for the next ten days… Oh, well, she was here, she might as well face the music.

As she paused before the door, she heard a strange noise within. Music? Was she literally going to have to face the music?

Is that Run DMC?

It is! Someone is listening to It's Tricky by Run DMC!

The boys were being robbed by people who really loved the music of the early 90's!

No problem! Amy had the spare key and a can of mace. "Tinted windows don't mean nothin', they know who's inside!" Ruefully, she quietly placed the key in the lock, muttering, "Kind of regret all the bitching you did about people asking you to make up a rhyme now, aren't you Run?" Flinging the door open, she was surprised to see no burglars. Just Sheldon sitting in his spot, nodding his head to the music, a carton of boxed wine sitting on the coffee table and a Batman coffee mug clutched in his hands.

"Sheldon! What the hell?" She said putting her hands on her hips.

"Amy!" he grinned getting to his feet, "I was just drinking about you!" He gestured unsteadily with his mug of wine.

"I thought you sounded weird on the phone." She put her purse on Leonard's computer chair. "Are you celebrating atheism?"

"No. But we should drink to that. I'll get you a mug." He went into the kitchen as she clicked off the music. Sheldon came back with a new box, smiling drunkenly as he offered her a Catwoman mug to match Batman.

"What are you doing?" She accepted a dangerously full mug of wine, "why are you drinking boxed Cabernet?"

"Because I am a big chicken about everything in my whole damn life and because this is almost the same as grape juice. Did you know that? Franzia Cabernet begins its life cycle as Ocean Spray Cran-Grape?" he asked earnestly as he herded her over to the couch.

Amy sat in her spot, "That doesn't sound correct… but it feels true…" she mused taking a sip.

"Feels true?" Sheldon scoffed flopping down on the wrong side of her. "What kind of scientist are you, Dr. Fowler? Hypothesis must be verifiable and repeatable."

"You are correct Sheldon, how did you arrive at your conclusion?" she felt very disoriented, he never sat to her left. Anywhere.

Sheldon leaned closer to her and whispered conspiratorially, "I tasted it."

Then he didn't lean away. He stayed that close to her.

"Why are you a chicken?" she blushed.

"I did something dumb and I don't want to tell you." He said as he wrapped an arm over her shoulders, "I have to tell you, though. I can't think of a way out of it. You can't find out from Raj. But if I didn't have to tell you, I probably wouldn't."

Amy looked puzzled, "You better tell me."

"Raj bet me that he could communicate with Lucy without booze, texting or Morse code before I am able to engage in Coitus with you…" he looked at the floor.

"Raj bet you? He bet you that?" Amy snarled, "What are the stakes?"

"Nothing. I mean it, really. He wants to settle the question of who is the crazy bastard. Crazier Bastard. Craziest Bastard…"

Amy got to her feet and looked at her boyfriend, "What the hell is wrong with him?" she demanded putting her hands on her hips. "He knows what kind of day I've had. So he lures you into a bet designed only to piss me off?"

"I sense this would be a good time to throw Raj under the bus, but I think I am too drunk to do that." Sheldon said, watching Amy as she began to pace. "so I am I off the hook?" he gave her the drunken Koala face.

"Wait… go back." Amy said looking at her boyfriend, "You placed at bet that you would engage in Coitus with me. Is that correct?"

"Yes, ma'am." He drawled staring back at her. He meant to sound contrite, but his voice had dropped 2 octaves into the sexy zone. "I am drinking because you are going to cure him fast and so I need to step up my timetable…"

Amy sat down in Leonard's chair with wide eyes, "You have a timetable?"

"Course," he took another swig out of Batman's head, "You don't have one?"

She waved her hand at him, "We aren't talking about me right now," she bit her lip, "what is your timetable?"

Sheldon took a sip of wine, he was not up to this conversation right now. That was why he'd started drinking. "It doesn't matter." He frowned, "Now we have to get married before we have coitus."

"Was this why you called me about God?" Amy asked.

"Yeah!" He stood up spilling his wine over his Monday pants, "Oh for Pete's Sake!"

Amy put her hand over her face, shaking her head. "Go take your shower, put on your Pajamas and I will spot treat your trousers."

"Do you have a stain treatment pen?" he asked suspiciously.

"No. Monkeys throw poop at me. I have also gone out with Penny when she wears white. Getting Cabernet out of brown corduroy is in my wheelhouse." Amy said gathering the mugs.

"I am sorry." Sheldon said, as he came up behind her, "I really didn't mean for you to see me like this."

Amy put the dishes in the sink, then turned to face him. "It's not a big deal. You've seen me drunk before…"

"That's true." Sheldon said, grabbing her by the shoulders, "Do not let the fact that I am drunk make you think that I don't know what I am doing. I want to do this." He grasped her hands in his, grinning dopily at her as she raised eye brow, "I like it when you do that. You are like Spock's esthetically pleasing and alluring niece." She tilted her head in response.

Sheldon frowned at her, placed his hands on either side of her head and moved it to its full up, right position, and rested his forehead against hers. She exhaled softly, trying to slow her pulse rate, "What do you hear in there Dr. Cooper?"

"That you want me to kiss you." He whispered, pulling back to stare into her hypnotic green eyes. He took the glasses off her nose and laid the them carefully on the island. "But I have to complete one more step before I can comply." He took her arms and placed them around his neck then wrapped her in his own.

Sheldon is hugging me! I can feel the dampness from his wine soaked genital against my stomach. That is covered by my new light colored sweater that is also now wine stained… GOD DAMMIT! FOCUS FOWLER!

"Okay," Sheldon said, pulling out of the hug, yet still entwined with his girlfriend. "Here comes the kissin'." Amy blushed beet red and nodded. Holding her head very still again, he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. She inhaled deeply and began moving her mouth against his. When he followed her lead, she started making exciting little kitten noises. In the small part of his brain that was neither drunk nor reckless, he wondered if the introduction of tongue would be necessary…

Happily, that part of his brain was not leading the charge here. His drunken limbic system hollered "Giddy up, Cow Poke!" and made him slide his tongue into her warm mouth. She tasted like wine, and green apples.

After 37 seconds of hungry animal noises and shared moistness, Sheldon pulled back from the kiss. Amy's head remained tilted up and she smiled at him. "Okay. So that works." He nodded. "I can do that sober, I promise."

She laughed throatily, as she buried her face in his chest, "That's good."

"But I don't know if I can do the next part, drunk or sober." He rested his chin on the top of her head. "I need to carry you into the bedroom… then we coitus each other's costumes off." The sexy eye brow was raised again, "You are either Starfleet Medical, an Orion Slave Girl or River Song."

"Which Doctor?" she asked.

"9th." He responded.

"How about this weekend?" She asked excitedly.

"No." he sighed, "Weren't you listening? Now we have to get married first." He glanced over her head petulantly.

"Because of God?" Amy asked, "Even though you are an atheist and I am a militant Agnostic? Remembering our enduring virginity? That we are in our 30's, and in a committed relationship?"

"I blame my mother." Sheldon sighed. "My pants are wet and stained."

"So is my cardigan. I should probably call a cab and go home…"

"You should stay here." He said forcefully, then backed up a bit, "I mean if you want to stay, you should stay."

Amy thought for a moment, "What about our state of stained moistness?"

"Let's just throw everything into the bathtub with some shampoo and hope for the best." He took her hand and pulled her back toward his room. "Give me your cardigan," he said as he closed the door behind him. "Your blouse is stained too." She pulled off the sweater and blouse. She stood facing him in just her tank top with her creamy arms… and observable breasts and tiny waist… "I am going to shower." He said, his face contorting as he grabbed his jammies and rushed out the door. "Your emergency sleep over kit is under the life raft in my closet." He called once the door was shut behind him.

As she fished the kit out of the closet, she realized, "First kiss on the first day of school…. This is off to a good start!"