Bored

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own these characters! Freakin' DUH!

AN: This story was set during the walk between Rivendell and the Mines of Moria; you should see where it runs into the actual story. This is in the movie-verse.) I wrote this, cuz Pippin would totally do this to someone if given half the chance. You know he's the evil hobbit~! It's why he's my fave~!

Pippin looked around him at his way-to-solemn travelling companions and sighed for fifth time in as many minutes. He was bored. Horribly bored. Insanely bored. Profoundly, inexplicably, and completely…bored. Why did this journey have to be so boring? He almost wished the Ringwraiths would find them again, he was so bored. Because surely being scared so badly that your control over your bladder and bowels slips would be much more fun than all this endless walking. Pippin sighed again, earning himself a glare from Merry.

"What?" He said in as innocent and injured a tone as he could manage. Merry just shook his head and picked up his pace, leaving Pippin to walk alone. Pippin stared after him and pouted. Now that hurt. Now he was bored and lonely. Not a good combination. He looked around at his companions again, his eyes settling on one in particular. The youngest of the hobbits grinned evilly. Now it was time to see what the Man from Gondor was really made of!

Pippin bounced on over to the man and tugged on his tunic until he looked down. He then put on his best 'wide-eyed-and-innocent' look—the one that made him look even more like a child then he did already, the one that made people forget that he was actually in his twenties—and gazed up at Boromir in child-like seriousness. "Boromir, I have a question." Pippin stated, even making his voice sound like a child's. The little hobbit grinned inwardly in triumph when he saw Boromir's eyes soften and his lips curve up slightly. This was too easy.

"Yes, little one? What is it?" Boromir's voice softened as if he were talking to a young child. The other three hobbits and Gandalf all looked over at Pippin, each with a different expression on their face. Frodo had an eyebrow raised and looked puzzled; Merry, having caught on, was fighting a grin; Sam just stared at the younger hobbit suspiciously—Pippin could swear that was his default expression—while Gandalf watched him with a mildly amused and slightly irritated expression on his face. Obviously he, like Merry, had caught on, having had something similar happen to him at the hands of Merry and Pippin. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were watching the hobbits, bemused, then turned to look at Pippin and Boromir.

Pippin started to speak, but then turned his face to the ground, as if shy. Boromir knelt down to look Pippin in the face and nodded encouragingly. "Go on, Pippin! What is your question?" Boromir gazed down at the youngest member of the Fellowship with fondness. The little one really was quite adorable with the reddish brown mop of curls framing a sweet, cherubic face with big, soulful blue eyes. Boromir found it hard to believe that the hobbit was only a few years younger than himself. He wondered at the little hobbit's sudden shyness; what on Middle Earth was the question that would make the normally boisterous and cheerful hobbit act so shy? He waited for Pippin to gather his courage and smiled encouragingly once again as Pippin met his gaze.

Pippin allowed himself to shift from foot to foot, as if nervous, and smiled uncertainly up at Boromir. "It's a weird question, sir! Every time I ask, no one seems to want to answer me! They all make excuses and leave!" He whined, puffing his bottom lip out petulantly. "I'm almost of age now! People need to stop making excuses and just answer me!" He frowned over at Gandalf and the other hobbits. "Not even they want to answer my question!"

Merry had turned around and clasped a hand across his mouth to keep his laughter and Gandalf was currently wondering if he should rescue Boromir or not. He thought about for perhaps three seconds then shrugged. Nah. It couldn't be worse than the time Merry and Pippin had asked him where babies came from. Now that had been one interesting conversation, surely nothing could top that subject!

Sam and Frodo merely glanced at each other in puzzlement. What was Pippin talking about? They looked over at Merry for an explanation, but found him to be very unhelpful and a rather peculiar shade of purple as he fought to hold back his mirth. Frodo and Sam then looked over at Gandalf who simply grinned and shook his head, pointing back to the pair.

Pippin was still hesitating. He shot a look over at Gandalf and the hobbits, relieved to see that none of them looked as if they were going to blow the whistle on him. He then looked over at Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. Aragorn had a small smile on his face and apparently guessed from Merry and Gandalf's reactions that this was some sort of prank on Pippin's part, while Gimli and Legolas—not knowing Pippin or Merry very well—still looked a little confused. Pippin leaned in closer to Boromir and said in a worried tone, "Are you sure it's okay if I ask you this question in front of them?" He pointed around them to the others.

Boromir looked puzzled. "I don't see why not, little one! The question couldn't be that bad." Just then Merry made a peculiar choking noise, causing everyone to look over at him. He was doubled over and almost looked to be in pain. He waved off the concerned looks that Legolas and Boromir were giving him with a gasped out 'don't mind me'. Pippin drew Boromir's attention back to himself by tapping him on the shoulder.

"Are you sure?" He asked. The man nodded and Pippin continued. "Well, okay, if you say so…" He figured that whatever happened next would be completely on Boromir's head, considering how many red flags he'd sent to the guy. Frankly, he was surprised the man couldn't figure out that something was up. Pippin took a deep breath and plunged ahead. "Boromir, what exactly is sex?"

Sam, Frodo, and Gimli all choked and quickly turned away, all the blood seeming to drain from their faces then come back with a vengeance. "Oh, Sam, he didn't!" Frodo exclaimed, putting a hand over his face as if to hide his own embarrassment at the question.

"He did, Mr. Frodo." Sam replied, shielding his own face as well. Merry, Aragorn, and, to everyone's surprise, Gandalf, all cracked up laughing. Legolas and Boromir just stared at Pippin, Legolas in astonishment, and Boromir in chagrin. Both Elf and Man looked at each other. Boromir shot a pleading look at the Prince of Mirkwood; the elf, however, just put his hands up and, grinning slightly, backed away, washing his hands of this situation.

Pippin surveyed his handiwork with carefully concealed pride. He almost chuckled at the accusing looks that Frodo and Sam were shooting at Gandalf and Merry, and was surprised and amused to find both Legolas' and Gimli's faces to be as red as tomatoes. Gimli had started to laugh while Legolas had bitten his lip to keep from grinning and had suddenly found a passing butterfly to be very interesting. Pippin found Boromir's and Aragorn's reactions to be the most satisfying, however. Boromir had yet to regain any of the color to his face and looked as if he was either going to cry or pass out, the poor man; Aragorn, on the other hand, didn't look much like the intimidating Ranger he was supposed to be, rolling around on the ground laughing as he was.

Pippin looked around at them with a look of injured innocence and exclaimed, "How come I get this reaction every time I ask? It's just a question!" This just set the four laughers off harder. He looked at Boromir pleadingly. "You will tell me, won't you? I feel really dumb for not knowing. I've heard people mention it, but I really don't have much of an idea what they're talking about." The youngest member of the Fellowship glanced bitterly at everyone around them. "And they are definitely not helpful."

Boromir just stared at the cherubic hobbit in dismay, his mind reeling. He'd only registered half of what the hobbit had said after he'd heard the word 'sex', and, after looking around at his companions, he realized that they would be no help whatsoever. Why? Why did it have to be him? Why not Strider or the elf? Why him? He continued to just stare at Pippin; the little hobbit was gazing up at him with his bottom look pooched out slightly, his eyes looking a little shinier than normal. Boromir inwardly groaned; if he didn't answer this question the little one would probably start crying. The Man of Gondor thought fast, how did he explain this subject? He cursed inwardly. This was why he had no children! He would've preferred the 'where do babies come from?' question over this! At least he could've been evasive! Again he looked around at the others pleadingly but none would meet his gaze. Boromir looked back down at Pippin and forced a smile onto his face.

"W-well, that is a very difficult question, Pippin…uh, hmmm, well…." He cleared his throat and reached for his canteen. He took a swig and licked his lips.

Pippin watched him, amused. Boromir was stalling, he knew. Well, we couldn't have that, now could we? He thought, keeping his teary-eyed look on his face. It was on occasions like this that he was happy that he could turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. Looking at the uncomfortable warrior, he decided to let the rivers flow. He gazed up at Boromir with tear-filled eyes and sniffled, letting a small whine escape his lips. "You don't want to tell me either!" He wailed. Boromir paled even more.

"N-n-no! Don't cry! Just—" Boromir scrambled to find words. Suddenly he got an idea. "Just wait! I'll tell you! Just wait until we stop tonight, then I'll have time to explain it to you okay? Now wouldn't be a good time because, uh….." Boromir thought hard to come up with an excuse that didn't sound like one. "Uh…." He looked over at the others pleadingly. By this time everyone had quit laughing and at least one of them decided to take pity on the man.

Aragorn stood up, brushed himself off, and came forward to stand next to Pippin and Boromir and leaned down to speak to the hobbit. "Because we don't know if the Nazghul are on our tracks or not. Tonight would be safer." He looked pointedly at Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf. All three chimed out in hurried agreement.

"Oh, uh, aye laddie. Strider is right."

"Yes, definitely! Tonight would be better!"

Hmmm, yes, and perhaps Master Elf and Master Dwarf could be persuaded to help Master Boromir explain that particular subject." Gandalf said, grinning wickedly at the two. Both turned and glared daggers at the Wizard.

Pippin fought the urge to snicker and turned his 'wide-eyed-and-innocent' look to the Elf and the Dwarf. "Will you really?" He asked, putting a hopeful tone to his voice. This was so much more fun than just walking all day! He watched with glee as both Legolas and Gimli paled and gulped. Again they glared daggers at Gandalf.

After a few seconds, Gimli gave Pippin an uneasy smile and, shooting a sly glance at Legolas, answered the young hobbit. "Well, Master Pippin, if I were you, I'd ask the oldest of our fellowship—excluding Gandalf, or course—about this subject. Surely after a thousand or something years of exsistence, our elf friend here must know something on the subject!" Legolas turned his glare onto Gimli. Gimli ignored it and continued gleefully. "I mean, surely no one is that unlucky! But….then again….." Gimli let the sentence hang as he slowly turned to grin at the elf.

The others in the party snickered and Aragornspoke up. "Surely, mellon, you're not going to let Master Gimli get away with that, are you?"

The elf smiled tightly at Aragorn before turning back to Gimli, his eyes like ice. "Well, I suppose someone would have to know what they were talking about, because with as few women as the dwarves have gracing their race, I'm sure you certainly wouldn't know." This made the hobbits gape and everyone else besides Gimli laugh out loud.

Boromir put a hand to his chest and, being completely serious, exclaimed "Wow, that one hurt me and I'm not even a dwarf."

Legolas looked Gimli up and down doubtfully as he continued, ignoring Boromir. "Then again, I suppose you don't always need a woman, do you Gimli? And with so many males—"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence, elf!" Gimli roared. Legolas threw his head back and laughed, deftly side-stepping Gimli's axe when the dwarf threw it at him. He tsked.

"Such a temper!" He turned to the others and added cheerfully. "It would seem that I struck a nerve~!

Aragorn bit back his laughter and stepped in front of Legolas when Gimli retrieved his axe and started to attack again. He grabbed the handle of the axe, stopping said attack in its tracks. "That's enough, you two! I think we've had a long enough break, let's get moving!"

As they began walking again, Pippin could feel Gandalf's and the three other hobbits' gazes boring into his skull as he skipped up to walk alongside Boromir. As he slipped his hand into the man's—catching him slightly of guard—he cast a mischievous look back at them all, then pasted the innocent look back onto his face. Merry and Gandalf rolled their eyes and smiled, but Pippin was mildly alarmed to see Sam and Frodo looking quite cross with him. Frodo narrowed his eyes and crooked a finger at his younger cousin, obviously wanting him to come back to where they were so he could chastise him. Pippin's only response was to lean further into Boromir. Frodo could be mad if he wanted.

Pippin looked up at Boromir who was looking as if he were thinking about something, probably about how to explain to him what sex was. He could barely keep from laughing out loud: he couldn't believe the big people actually believed him about that! You don't go 28 years without knowing what sex was! It wasn't possible! Pippin smiled slightly as he watched Boromir's facial expressions. He wondered what Boromir would think if he informed the man that he, in fact, did know what sex was and that a local hobbit girl had taught him quite well on many occasions exactly what it entailed. Pippin's smile grew bigger. He'd probably have a heart attack.

Just then, Boromir seemed to notice the hobbit's gaze and looked down at him. "Is something the matter, Master Pippin?" The man asked. Pippin shook his head and leaned back into the man's hand, resting his cheek on it. Boromir chuckled and ruffled Pippin's hair, making him protest and swat at him good naturedly. He almost felt bad about making Boromir answer one of Life's more difficult questions, but figured it would be good practice for the man. Surely, someday the man would have to have 'the discussion' with his children if he decided to have them. This was good practice!

Suddenly Pippin felt a tap on his shoulder and looked over to find Merry's face scant inches from his own. A look passed between the two hobbits and both slowly grinned at the other. New game. Pippin put a mock-irritated expression on his face and pushed Merry away. "No! Go 'way! Go get your own big person! This one's mine!"

Merry pretended to be indignant and stuck his tongue out at his cousin. "Fine! Be that way!" He looked around and latched himself onto the nearest 'big person' to him. This happened to be Legolas. The elf looked down at Merry, startled, as he felt the hobbit's arms encircle his waist. Merry pressed his cheek to Legolas' hipbone and again stuck his tongue out at Pippin, who returned the favor. "Fine, you can have the human, but I get the elf!" Both Legolas and Boromir glanced over at each other, bemused. This was new.

Frodo turned to Sam and grinned. "If you can't beat them or chastise them, why not join them? If they get to act silly, then so should we, my friend!" Sam grinned at the look on his master's face and nodded. Frodo then motioned for Sam to do as he did. A few seconds later, he called out to the other hobbits. "Oh yeah? Well guess what? We top you!" Both Merry and Pippin looked over to find both Sam and Frodo plastered to Gandalf. Both hobbits were grinning, while Gandalf had an eyebrow raised in either amusement or irritation. It was hard to tell sometimes. "We have a wizard!" Frodo continued triumphantly.

Aragorn turned around to regard his fellow companions in amusement before pulling a sad face. "What? No hobbit for me? And after all I did for you little irritations! I gave up a bed for you little goblins! Do you know how rare it is for me to actually sleep in a real bed?"

Pippin pulled a face at the ranger. "The bed was lumpy. Besides, it's not our fault that you don't sleep in a bed like a normal person!"

Aragorn mock-frowned at the little hobbit. "Lumpy?!" Come here and I'll show you lumpy! I'll give you a few lumps!" Pippin's response was to wrap his arms firmly around Boromir and look at the man.

"You'll protect me, right?" He asked, solemnly.

Boromir looked from Pippin to Aragorn and back again, chuckling. "Of course, little one, but who will protect me?" This drew a few laughs from some of the other Fellowship members.

"I'll lend you my elf!" Merry volunteered helpfully, causing Legolas to frown down at him.

"Do I not have a say in the matter, Merry?" He asked, deciding to play along and pretend to be irritated.

Merry looked up at the elf and responded cheekily. "Not really~!"

Legolas fought down a smile and, narrowing his eyes, poked Merry in the side, making the hobbit squeal and giggle. Legolas allowed a small smile to creep across his face. "Ticklish, I see." He then proceeded to continue poking Merry in his sides until he let go. As soon as Merry's arms loosened, Legolas swept the laughing hobbit off of the ground and tossed him to Aragorn. "Here's a hobbit for you! Just don't feed it after midnight or I'm sure it'll turn into something nasty—" "Hey!" Merry protested that as Aragorn slung him over his shoulder. Legolas continued, unabated, walking towards Gandalf. "—besides, I hardly find it fair that Gandalf gets two of them!" Legolas paused to regard the two hobbits fastened to Gandalf, one hand on his hip and the other tapping his chin, as if the decision was taking quite a bit of thought. His gaze fell on Sam. "I'll take this one!" he said, pulling Sam away from Gandalf and Frodo. Sam blushed lightly, causing the other hobbits to chuckle at his reaction to being 'chosen'.

"Why Sam," Frodo teased. "You have your very own elf now!" He laughed as Sam's blush deepened.

"And I have a hobbit that cooks!" Legolas said, pulling Sam along with him. He glanced disparagingly at the other Fellowship members. "I don't know what you will be eating tonight, but I know I'll be well fed!"

Everyone else frowned at the elf. Aragorn and Boromir glanced at each other worriedly. "He wouldn't really do that, would he?" Boromir asked.

"I wouldn't put it past him." Aragorn replied, shrugging and making Merry protest the action.

Pippin looked up at Boromir "I can cook!" he said, trying to reassure the man.

"Yeah, if you like your food burnt." Merry muttered.

Pippin made a face at his cousin. "Yer just jealous cuz I get the Steward of Gondor's son and you get the grungy ranger!"

Aragor pretended to be indignant. "Grungy Ranger?! You owe this grungy ranger your life, you little wretch!"

Pippin waved that one off as unimportant. "Meh, details." The look on Aragorn's face at that comment was priceless.

"At least the grungy ranger is carrying me! I don't have to walk!" Merry replied, smirking in triumph. Pippin pouted and looked up at Boromir pitifully. He held his arms up like a little kid. Boromir chuckled and picked Pippin up, allowing the hobbit to scramble onto his back. Pippin stuck his tongue out at Merry.

Meanwhile, Aragorn glared at Merry. "So you think I'm grungy too?"

Merry gazed back at him and deadpanned. "This is a rhetorical question, right? Meaning I don't have to answer that?" Aragorn 'hmphed' and slung Merry off of his shoulder.

"On second thought, I think I'm better off without a hobbit." He said, tossing Merry to Gimli, who, having put his axe up a bit of a while ago, caught the hobbit reflexively.

Merry and Gimli stared at each other. Knowing that if he didn't do something in the next few seconds that Gimli would probably drop him, Merry allowed his eyes to get big and teary. Pippin wasn't the only one who could cry on cue. "Twice! I've been abandoned twice, Master Gimli! How do you think that makes a young, impressionable hobbit like me feel? You're not going to abandon me too, are you?" He looked at the dwarf imploringly, letting his bottom lip quiver.

Gimli fought to keep the laughter down and the impassive expression on his face. He answered in a mock-stern voice. "Start bawling and caterwauling and I'll drop you faster than a load of dirty skivvies on laundry day." Merry dropped the act immediately and hugged the dwarf enthusiastically.

"Okay~! I like you better than some grungy ranger and stuck up elf, anyway!" He stuck his tongue out at both Aragorn and Legolas. Aragorn shook his fist at the hobbit and Legolas narrowed his eyes.

"And that one is definitely going hungry tonight." He remarks to Sam. Sam bit back a grin at the look on Merry's face.

Merry turned his head to look Gimli in the eyes once more. "Don't worry, we'll be okay! Sam isn't the only one who knows how to cook! I had to learn as a survival skill if I ever wanted to go camping overnight with Pippin." Gimli laughed at that and looked over at the aforementioned hobbit, who was flashing Merry a rather unflattering hand gesture. It made Gimli laugh even harder.

"Do you even know what that means?" He asked, shaking with mirth.

Pippin shrugged. "I know it's not a compliment!" Boromir reached over his shoulder and grabbed ahold of Pippin's hands, effectively stopping the hobbit from making the gestures. He glanced first at Gandalf, then at Aragorn.

"Something tells me that we're not really going to be able to get much further today, so why don't we just stop for a bit longer? I could teach young Merry and Pippin, here, how to properly use those swords of theirs and perhaps keep them occupied for a while." Pippin grinned inwardly. The man was probably hoping that Pippin would also be too distracted to think of the sex question, too. Maybe he should just let it go, after all, he got what he really wanted: entertainment. Just then, Merry caught his eye and made him frown. He tried to pull his hands free, but Boromir's grip simply tightened. Still looking at Aragorn, the man of Gondor spoke to Pippin. "Little one, quit moving so much or you'll fall off."

"But Merry's making faces and bad gestures at me again and I don't like it!" Pippin whined petulantly. Everybody looked over at Merry. Merry stared back, his face the picture of innocence.

"What?" he exclaimed, putting a whiny tone to his voice as well. "Do I look like I would do something like that?" Gimli, out of Merry's sight, mouthed 'He did it', making everyone grin at Merry. Merry, however, frowned at all the smiles he was getting. "I don't think I like any of you people anymore." He muttered darkly.

Aragorn glanced at Gimli. "Gimli." The dwarf looked over at him curiously. Aragorn mouthed something to him and pointed at the ground. Gimli raised an eyebrow, shrugged, and promptly dumped Merry on his bottom in the dirt and walked away.

"OW! That hurt!" Merry howled, glaring at both Aragorn and Gimli. "I take it back! I like Gandalf better than all of you!"

Gandalf chuckled, making them all look over at where he was sitting with Frodo actually on his lap. "Sorry, Master Meriadoc, but I already have a hobbit." He gestured to Frodo, who was packing Gandalf's pipe and putting a match to it. "As you can see he's quite useful."

Frodo grinned at the comment but didn't look up from the pipe. He did deign to make a comment of his own, though. "Gandalf, why don't you just turn them all into toads and get it over with? We'd probably travel a lot faster and it would be much quieter." Aragorn, Gimli, Merry, and Pippin all stared at Gandalf—who seemed to be seriously considering the idea—in apprehension.

Gandalf gave Frodo a fond pat on the head and took the pipe that was handed to him. "Like I said, quite useful." He took a long puff off of the pipe and blew out a smoke ring. The others turned the look of apprehension onto Frodo at that point, and all started edging away slowly except for Legolas and Sam, who were apparently discussing their dinner menu and all the possible uses for frog legs. The rest of the group seemed to decide all at the same time to edge away from them as well.

Boromir chimed in. "Or," he put an emphasis on the word to get everyone's attention. "We could just stop for a while and let me teach the two troublemakers how to fight."

"FIGHTING LESSON!" Pippin shouted out hurriedly, making Boromir wince. Pippin glanced pointedly down at Merry who spoke up, his voice much quieter than his cousin's.

"Uh, yeah. A lesson sounds good! We like learning, don't we Pip?" He picked himself up off the ground and brushed himself off.

"We sure do!" was the overenthusiastic reply. "It's our favorite past time!"

Sam paused in the dinner discussion to reply. "Between raids on Farmer Maggot's vegetable garden, that is."

Pippin glared at Sam. "You don't speak this entire time, and then when you do speak, that is what you say?"

Merry turned a glare onto Sam as well. "Learning. Sam. We love to learn." His tone suggested that Sam may want to shut up now.

Sam gave both hobbits a long hard look before turning back to Legolas. "Frog soup sounds good."

Legolas nodded. "Oh, I'd have to agree. It's sounding better and better all the time."

"We may want to confiscate Sam from the elf." Gimli muttered to Aragorn. "He's becoming a bad influence. The elf, I mean."

Legolas didn't bother directly responding to that, but just turned to Frodo and Gandalf. "I'm loving the toad idea more and more. Not only are they edible, but they're silent too."

"I'll make sure to stick in your damned throat, elf." Was the dwarf's gruff reply.

Sensing that things were about to take a steep downhill dive, Boromir spoke up once more. "Ooookaaayyyyy, sword lessons it is, then!" He said as cheerfully as possible. He swung Pippin down from his back and chuckled as the two hobbits excitedly darted off to get their swords.

Frodo chuckled as he slid off of Gandalf's lap. "You can still turn them into toads, you know!"

"Maybe later." Was the reply. "Right now I think I'd like to see how this 'lesson' turns out." Gandalf grinned at Frodo. "I'll bet you my favorite pipe that Master Boromir will be left in tears five minutes into teaching those two knuckleheads to fence."

Frodo's eyes gleamed with mirth. "I think I'll take you up on that!"

End

AN: Well, that story took forever~! I hope you all find it amusing, and I hope I wrote with the characters correctly~! If not, then tell me what I could've done better. Tell me what you think~!