If I Should Lose My Way

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fan-fiction. I claim no ownership over the characters therein. No copyright infringement intended.

Prompted by itwasyounme.

"Set in the future, Chloe wants kids with Beca, and they agreed it's the older woman who'll carry their first child. The brunette said she didn't want to be pregnant anyway, but realy it's just because Chloe wants it so bad and she wants to please her wife. But when they both get tested for fertily issues and Beca is found sterile, it gets to her way more than she'll say. Slowly, she gets more and more jealous of Chloe's perfectly round belly, and the two of them get into fights more often. But when confronted about her strange behavior, Beca won't say what's on her mind, and Chloe starts to think that she rushed the DJ into something she wasn't ready, or didn't really want."

A/N: This prompt really caught my attention, and I wanted to see what I could do with it. It's an emotional subject and I do hope I did it justice. I hope you'll enjoy what I did with it. Your feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Anniversaries, Beca had always liked them, at least since she'd been with Chloe. There was something about commemorating all the good time spent together that she found nice. Tonight they were celebrating the first four years of their marriage, and toasting to many more years together. It was quiet, a weeknight at Chloe's favourite restaurant, where they sipped Beca's favourite wine. Beca couldn't think of a more perfect way to spend the evening, except perhaps alone at home, but tonight called for a bigger celebration than that. She admired Chloe's smile; filled with exuberance and joy, reserved for whenever she encountered something or someone special. Beca admired her eyes, and the way they sparkled even in the dim light of the restaurant. Beca was busy admiring all of her beautiful wife's features as they waited for their meals. She was jarred from her thoughts only when the other woman spoke up, to ask her a question she thought, but she hadn't really been paying attention.

"Sorry, what did you say? I was distracted by the beauty of a certain red head," Beca smirked.

"Well aren't we sweet tonight, thanks love. You look beautiful too, and you wore heels."

"I did, I thought you'd like that. What did you ask me though?"

"Oh I just asked if we could talk about something."

"Isn't that what we're doing right now?"

"Always so sarcastic," the red head stuck out her tongue, "I meant something serious."

"Anything, shoot."

"I know when we got married you said you weren't ready, but I was kind of hoping you might be interested in starting a family now. Or I mean, at least open to talking about it."

"Yes," Beca said, no hint of hesitation in her voice, "we should have a kid," she added, clarifying exactly what her affirmation was in regards to.

The smiled that played across her wife's features at that simple statement was enough to light up the entire restaurant. She leaned right across the table to kiss the brunette hard on the lips, before sitting back down. They agreed to talk about it further when they got home, taking their night out to just enjoy each other's company and celebrate. Beca couldn't help but smile as Chloe paid their bill, already brimming with excitement over the conversation they were going to have at home. She really wasn't ready four years ago to have a child, but now, she really thought she was.

It had taken a few years of babysitting Chloe's admittedly adorable nephews and nieces but Beca was now excited about the prospect of having a child of their own. As excited as she was, she knew Chloe was over the moon about the idea. She had been ready and waiting all these years for Beca to be on the same page.

"So?" Chloe beamed, sitting down on their couch and kicking off her heels.

"So…what?"

"So, we're going to have a baby."

"We are, at least if you still want to," the brunette teased.

Chloe launched herself onto her now sitting wife's lap, wrapping her arms around the other woman's neck and kissing her way up her neck.

"How about we go lay down and talk details?" the read head whispered in her ear.

"Hmm, sounds good."

They didn't really get around to discussing the details that night, but as the early morning light peeked through the windows in their bedroom, they picked up where they left off. They decided that Chloe would carry their first little one, or more accurately Chloe was so excited about the prospect of carrying their child that Beca agreed. Chloe being the sweet and lovely woman that she was though asked Beca multiple times if she was sure. Beca just said she wasn't ready to be pregnant right now, but that was only a half true. Really she'd love to be pregnant, but she didn't want to take the experience away from Chloe, not after she had been waiting for so long. Beca would do anything to make Chloe happy including letting her carry their first born; no questions asked. She knew Chloe would want more children anyway and she'd get her chance eventually.

It came as no surprise to Beca when Chloe revealed that she had already done research about their options. It was a relief that she had actually, Beca obviously knew it wasn't straightforward but she certainly didn't have the attention span to wade through all that information. Chloe suggested they both get tested for any fertility issues, just to give them the best chance to conceive and Beca thought it sounded reasonable. She wasn't familiar with the ins and outs but if they were going to spend the money they'd been saving, they might as well have all the information before making a final decision.

Basically sterile; the words rung in her ears as she tried to absorb what the doctor had said. He had asked her a few curious questions about an infection and some medication she had taken when she was younger; and scribbled some notes down at their initial consultation. She thought nothing of it at the time but when she and Chloe came in for a follow up and to get the news, this is what she was told. Whatever had happened in her youth meant she was now essentially infertile, unable to carry or have her own biological children. Her head hurt, she hadn't expected anything of the sort. She wasn't sure what she expected when he said they were going to test for fertility issues but it wasn't this.

The doctor began to speak again, snapping Beca out of her own thoughts, "If you were going to be conceiving through natural means I would tell you there is no harm in trying for a miracle, but because of all the money and time involved, I have to tell you that Chloe is your only option to conceive your own children. The good news though is that Chloe has no issues that should hinder the process; you could have a child in less than a year if you start right away."

Chloe's excitement over the prospect of having a child that soon overwhelmed her, so much so that she didn't notice Beca's face. It was a mixture of confusion and sadness, her excitement over the fact that they could have a child in the near future buried under a myriad of emotions. Before Chloe could see the tears that were starting to fall Beca wiped them away hastily. She could pull it together, everything would be okay. Chloe was going to be carrying the baby anyway; they could still start a family. The brunette took a deep breath and plastered a smile on her face, jumping up to embrace her already standing wife in a hug. The exuberant smile on her face was enough to clear Beca's mind of its racing thoughts, at least for now.

When Chloe asked her if she wanted to talk about it later Beca declined. She lied, saying there was nothing to talk about, it was just a fact. She put up her walls and assured Chloe that everything was fine, as usual, she was just being Beca. Really though, there wasn't anything to say. Nothing Chloe would say to comfort her would change the fact that she couldn't have children. It was just a fact, an unchangeable albeit unwelcome fact. Instead of focusing on the unchangeable, they decided to focus on the future; they were still starting a family.

The next few weeks were chaotic, and odd Beca thought. They picked a sperm donor; one with a solid background, and who didn't mention any of what Beca would consider cliché favourite musical artists. No Beatles, Dylan or Sinatra she told Chloe, it smacks of unoriginality and aiming to please, even if they are musical geniuses. All they had to do after all the paperwork and procedures were complete was to wait. Wait for confirmation that they were expecting, and confirmation they got. Chloe nearly burst her ear drums with the volume of her excited scream when the test came out positive. They were having a baby, they were excited, beyond excited, they were elated. Chloe couldn't keep her hands or her lips off of Beca after they found out, which really, wasn't bad at all. She only came up for air once she decided that they needed to tell everyone in her address book the news. Beca nodded off after the fifth, or was it the seventh phone call, she was talking to Stacie but Beca couldn't keep her eyes open any longer.

It was mere weeks before they were swimming in onesies with funny sayings, and a plethora of blue and pink stuffed animals. Beca knew Chloe was popular, but who knew their unborn child would elicit such a reaction. Chloe couldn't stop talking about all the things they would need to do to prepare for his or her arrival. All the things they needed to buy, the decorating they needed to do, and all the reading and preparation Beca should do so the kid would make it to its first birthday. Chloe got more and more excited as the days and weeks passed, but Beca just couldn't muster the same enthusiasm. It was just that it wasn't so much a person to her, as it was still just a concept, at least that's what Beca told herself.

"What about Allison?" Chloe spoke up as they lay in bed, "we could call her Ally."

"Sure," Beca just rolled over, mostly ignoring the question, the acknowledgement only spit out as a means to get her to stop talking.

It wasn't that she didn't want to talk about their impending arrival, okay maybe it was, she just couldn't justify why she didn't. As Chloe's belly grew, Beca's desire to talk about baby this and baby that declined. The tension in the household only grew as Beca continued to ignore Chloe's attempts at excited chatter.

"We could paint the nursery yellow and purple, that's neutral right," Chloe inquired, one night, well into her fourth month of pregnancy. Beca's only response was to groan and roll over.

"Beca, that was a question, usually that means you verbalize an answer, in English," the red head's tone was angry.

She usually wrote off Beca's reluctance and lack of enthusiasm as her being tired, or as it being too early for her to get excited about it. She was over that though, she couldn't sit by as her wife seemingly ignored the fact that they were having a baby. It was frustrating and upsetting, she needed her to share in her excitement. It hurt that she didn't care about outfits and teddy bears, cribs and names, or anything else to do with their child.

"Yeah, that's fine, yellow and purple. Maybe we can paint some ducks on the walls too." It was crap, Beca didn't give a damn what she did with the nursery. She had just seen ducks on some wallpaper at the store when Chloe had dragged her there.

As much as Chloe hoped against hope that this would be their last fight and that Beca would get on board, it wasn't. Their fights became more and more often, over pettier and pettier things. They were okay if Chloe just asked about her day, her work, her music, or her general thoughts but any mention of the baby set her off.

Beca couldn't help herself, just seeing Chloe's belly grow and watching her get to experience all the joys of pregnancy was killing Beca. The news that she would be unable to have a child at any point in the future had rattled her more than she thought. It invaded her thoughts, and poisoned her feelings towards Chloe and their unborn child. How could she be happy for Chloe when she knew she'd never get to have the same experiences herself? She couldn't. Her jealously and hurt was overwhelming, she retreated into her own world and found it easier just to ignore reality. It wasn't helping her marriage, but she couldn't think of anything else to do.

"They're kicking," Chloe squealed out in the middle of the night, "the baby is kicking."

Beca just laid there, tears beginning to roll down her face, but she was unresponsive.

"Beca, come on, the baby is kicking, feel it."

"I have to work early tomorrow," she managed to choke out.

"Beca, god damnit, this is unacceptable. I have put up with your moodiness and crap for six months now; you need to tell me what the hell is wrong with you." Chloe was shouting at the top of her lungs but it was all she could do, she had hit her breaking point, Beca had forced it to come to this.

Beca rolled over to face her wife, "I'm sorry."

She knew her behaviour wasn't right, she just couldn't help it.

"Tell me what's wrong?" Chloe pleaded with her.

"Nothing, I guess I'm just stressed. Work has really been tiring me out," she lied.

Chloe wasn't interested in fighting anymore for the moment so she accepted the answer, even if she didn't believe it. She placed a kiss on Beca's cheek and attempted to fall back asleep. She would try and talk to her again another time, maybe some time when they weren't both over tired. She didn't want her emotions to get the best of her; she just wanted to find out what was wrong.

The next day Chloe sat nervously in her favourite cafe, waiting impatiently for her best friend. When Aubrey finally arrived she smiled wide at the now very protruding baby bump her friend was sporting.

"How's the baby?" the blonde asked giddily.

"Good good, they kicked last night, a lot."

"That's great, what's up though, you sounded upset on the phone?"

"Yeah, I'm worried about Beca. I told you how distant she's been and how much we've been fighting right. She says she's just tired and stressed, but she seems completely uninterested in the baby. Aubrey, I'm afraid I've rushed her into something she wasn't ready for, I'm afraid she doesn't want the baby." Tears began falling before the red head could stop them, slowly at first and then like a waterfall, rushing uncontrollably. Her deepest fear was that Beca would realize she didn't want any of this and leave her, and with her behaviour lately that didn't seem too farfetched.

"Chloe, you're my best friend and you know I would help you with anything but this is something I can't help with. I wish I could give you some advice but all I can say is that you need to talk to your wife. You need to ask her again, talk to her again and get to the bottom of this. There is nothing I can say that will help you, and you're the only one who can confront her about this. Just keep your head up, she'll open up to you, she always does."

Chloe took Aubrey's advice to heart, she was right, Chloe just needed to ask her again. Beca always had walls up, but with perseverance Chloe could always break through them. Beca would tell her, she just needed to want to tell her.

"Becs?" she called out into the hallway when she heard the front door open.

"I'm home, where are you?" Beca felt guilty about the night previous, so she was trying her best to keep her cool.

"In the living room, come sit with me."

Soon Beca was next to her on the couch and Chloe was smiling, trying to ease the ever present tension in the house. She pressed a soft kiss to Beca's lips before speaking up; she needed Beca to know that she loved her, no matter what.

"Beca, babe, I can see that you're struggling, and that something is wrong. Can you please just tell me what's going on? I love you, so much and I can help you, you just need to let me in."

Beca's resolve broke at her wife's words. It was true, the red head loved her so much, and as always she just wanted to help. She couldn't though; there was nothing Chloe could do to help her with everything that she was feeling. All of the anger, the jealously, the hurt, Chloe couldn't make it go away, she didn't have that power.

Her voice cracked as she started to pour her heart out, "you don't know what it feels like Chloe."

"What sweetheart, what what feels like?" Chloe needed more clarification.

"What it feels like to see you like this, to watch as you experience something so amazing and beautiful and to know that I'll never get to feel the same way. You don't know what it feels like to find out that you're sterile," her voice was quiet, broken.

"Then tell me."

Beca just scoffed indignantly.

"Really, tell me everything that you're feeling. That's what I'm here for. I love you." Chloe was steadfast, taking Beca's hand in her own.

"It feels like I'm missing out on a huge opportunity, on one of the greatest things I can do in life."

"You're not missing out though Beca, you're going to be a mom and have a kid that loves you so much you won't know what to do with yourself."

"That's so much easier for you to say when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's your kid. I don't get that kind of certainty, and to make matters worse I know that I never will. You get to have kids who are going to look like you, and act like you, and whose personalities will be like yours. You get to have kids who no one will ever doubt are yours. You get a special connection to them Chloe, one I'll never have." Her tone is angrier than she intends for it to be but she's past being able to control her emotions.

"Beca I, I..." Chloe was at an unusual loss for words.

"Don't know what to say, yeah, that's why I didn't tell you before. It is killing me to see you like this when I know I'll never get the same opportunity. You want to know what's worse though. It's the fact that I know that I feel so awful about my own wife's happiness. Your happiness means the world to me, or at least it used to and now I don't know what to think. What kind of awful person thinks like that?"

"Beca you're not awful," Chloe put her hand gently on the brunette's arm only to feel it roughly tugged away.

"I just want to sleep okay…alone."

"I love you Becs, you know that right?"

"Yeah."

Chloe's heart broke for the other woman, for her wife. To know that her joy over the impending arrival of their child was causing Beca so much pain was unimaginable. Beca was right, she would never know how she was feeling. Chloe could say it didn't matter to her if her kids were biologically hers or not until she was blue in the face but in the end they would be. Lying in bed knowing there was nothing she could do or say to comfort Beca was a nightmare; one that wouldn't let her fall into sleep's waiting arms. She almost wished Beca had said she wasn't ready for a kid. That felt fixable, this felt insurmountable; like climbing the highest mountain without any rope. Chloe could calm her fears and reservations; she couldn't give her the experience she so desperately longed for. She didn't know if anything could ever make Beca feel better about this, it was unchangeable and awfully so.

As the weeks and months leading up to her due date passed the tension got worse than ever. Chloe now knew why Beca was so angry and why they fought so much, but she couldn't fix it. Worse though, Chloe didn't even feel she had a right to confront her about it anymore. Beca was right when she said Chloe could never feel her pain. How do you tell someone to stop hurting? You can't and you don't.

It was late, or early, depending on your view of three am. The pain in Chloe's abdomen was mounting, and she was laying in what seemed to be a puddle of water. This must be it, she must be in labour. She was alone in bed, Beca having taken to sleeping alone on the couch the last few weeks. She called out, but her voice was too quiet. She made her way to the living room, where Beca was still lying, fast asleep.

"Beca," she whispered, shaking the other woman gently, "Beca, please get up."

"Huh. What? Are you okay?" Beca asked groggily.

"I'm fine, well I'm in pain, but my water broke, I'm in labour."

Beca groaned, "okay, let's get you to the hospital."

Chloe managed to call Aubrey on her way there, asking her to call her parents. She thought briefly about asking her to contact Beca's parents, but she figured she'd leave that to the younger woman herself. She didn't want to do anything to set her off, not when Chloe knew she'd have enough trouble dealing with the day.

Beca held Chloe's hand all the way there, all the way through the hospital, all the way until she lay down in the hospital bed. It was a nice change and the closest they'd been for weeks. She even kept holding on as Chloe squeezed it hard whenever a wave of pain washed over her body. That is until the doctor and some nurses came in to assess the situation.

"I'm just going to go grab a coffee okay?" Beca was tired, who wouldn't be so early in the morning, but she wasn't sure she was just leaving for the coffee.

She was sitting, curled up in a chair in the waiting room an hour later when she was approached by the tall blonde form that Beca knew to be Aubrey.

"Beca," she said, more gentle than the brunette would have expected.

Aubrey slipped an arm around the smaller girl's shoulders before continuing.

"I know you're hurting, and I know this can't be easy to deal with. You've been dealt a shitty hand, and I understand that. I don't envy your position and I'm so sorry about everything. I know you're hurting, I do, but I also know that you still love her. You love her and you don't want to hurt her; if you don't go back in there and help her through this you will regret it. She'll probably forgive you because she's Chloe and she's the most understanding person in the world, but you won't forgive yourself. You'll never forgive yourself for doing that to her, I know you. No matter how much this hurts you, you don't want to do that to her."

Beca said nothing but rose from her chair slowly, and followed Aubrey back into her wife's room. She was screaming in pain, but her face brightened up considerably when she saw Beca. She was upset about everything they had gone through the last few months, but nevertheless she wanted Beca there with her; she needed her.

It was a few hours later when the commotion in the room came to a head and the loud cries of a newborn filled their ears.

"Let Beca hold her first," the brunette heard her wife say to the nurse. It was hard to hear over the sensory overload that was the first few moments after the baby was born, but the sentiment was as clear as day.

Seconds later a small, warm bundle was placed in her arms, forcing her eyes to look down at it. Her actually, Beca was sure that in the midst of all the chaos the doctor had announced that it was a little girl. In an instant Beca felt all the air escape her lungs. She struggled for breath, choking on the nothingness caught in her throat. She handed the baby back to the nurse as gently as she could manage, stalling momentarily before running out of the room. She was still struggling for air. It was as if she had been hit by a ton of bricks. She made her way to the nearest rest room, failing to notice the incredulous look on the face of a certain blonde, or the expression of anyone who had been in the room she just left.

Aubrey turned her head immediately to let Chloe in on her plans, and followed quickly after the brunette.

Beca had always been much shorter than her but it almost shocked Aubrey to see her so small, sitting on the floor of the restroom, legs pulled tight to her chest, head in her hands. It also shocked her to hear that Beca was crying. She wasn't sure she had ever really seen her cry; unless you count her wedding day. The young woman was audibly gasping for breath as tears escaped her eyes in droves.

"Beca, its Aubrey, are you okay?"

She put her arms around the other woman.

"I...I held her and it was so overwhelming. Just seeing her; feeling her in my arms." It had been like a shock to her system, every emotion she had enveloping her all at once.

"Love," Aubrey said simply, and she smiled when she could tell that Beca was nodding.

"Beca," she laughed lightly, "I think you just felt 9 months of emotion all at once. Chloe has had 9 months to process everything that you're feeling right now, it just hit you in an instant."

It was true, everything Beca hadn't allowed herself to feel for the last 9 months because of all her anger and jealousy was hitting her. The whole experience had taken her breath away, literally. She was so overwhelmed by it all; she didn't mean to run away, she just couldn't deal. Beca took a deep breath and lifted her head up out of her hands to see Aubrey smiling at her. She wiped her tears with her sleeve and took a moment before standing up.

"Do you want to go back and see them now?" the blonde asked, almost hesitantly.

Beca just nodded.

Chloe looked up nervously when she saw her friend re-enter the room, one arm around her wife. As Beca walked around to the other side of the bed, Aubrey could see Chloe mouthing to her, is she okay? Aubrey just nodded. Beca leaned down when she reached her destination, placing a kiss on her new daughter's head before receiving one on the side of her own from her wife.

"So, what do want to name her Becs?"

"Kara," Beca said immediately, surprising both herself and Chloe. It wasn't something she had been thinking about, it was just something she remembered.

"Kara?" Chloe questioned gently.

"I believe it means beloved in Italian," Aubrey offered, smiling at her friends. The sight of the little family warmed her heart. Those Italian classes she had taken to impress a handsome exchange student had finally come in handy for something.

"Kara it is then," the red head enthused. She gave Beca another sweet kiss, this time on the lips.

"Kara Lindsey Mitchell," she announced.

Beca remembered Chloe mentioning that her maternal grandmother's name was Lindsey and that they were very close when she was younger.

"It's perfect," Beca started, "she's perfect."