At the party that was supposed to cheer up Lucy (and help Edmund seduce Molly), Caspian and a very drunk Lucy exchanged a kiss - which they both regretted sourly, blaming themselves for what happened. After spending her morning crying in her bedroom, Lucy stands up at a knock on her door. "Good morning", is her only reaction.

Chapter 10

"Good afternoon, more like it." he corrected her.

"Why, what time is it?" she asked, still feeling completely disconnected from reality.

"3 in the afternoon, I think."

Lucy smiled stiffly at her brother, not really caring about having overslept. Maybe she also had spent more time being miserable than she had thought. It was only when he lifted an expectant eyebrow at her lack of response that it hit her: Peter was back.

"Peter!" she screeched, both surprised and glad.

"Hey, Lu." he said and took her into a hearty embrace. "I've missed you."

She hugged him back, breathing in his musky smell. He was wearing travelling clothes, so he must have only just arrived. Maybe she should try and be a little more like the old Lucy, just for his sake. At least as long as the joy of his return sufficed to boost her spirits.

"When did you arrive?" she asked, trying to sound cheerful. She hoped he wouldn't notice her puffy eyes too much. "Aren't you two days early?"

"Yeah. I got permission a bit earlier, so wanted to surprise you guys! Too bad mum's not here, though, I was hoping to spend some time with her too."

"Someone had to go see grandma. I just hope we'll be able to see her again as well...", Lucy sighed.

Her grandmother had had a long life, and since her husband's death she had seemed to be fading away. Her grip to life had weakened and Lucy wondered how long she could hold on. These last two years, she had felt particularly close to her, as they were both looking towards the future without much hope while desperately wishing for a change. Waning faith, waning heart, waning will to live on in this world. Both had been separated from their dearest and desired to join him. But some egoistical part in the girl's hearth wasn't quite ready to let her grandmother achieve her goal, leaving her even more alone than before. It was jealousy, really, but never did it hit Lucy that jealousy towards the dying was a very dangerous thing. After all, going to Narnia for ever wasn't really the same as passing, was it?

But now was not the time to brood over morbid thoughts. With a strained smile, she walked out of the door, following Peter into the kitchen. A shadow had passed over his face, too. He feared his mother's grief if she lost her parent. He had never been very close to their grandmother, and it left only a faint sadness in him to think about her. But he held his mother dear and he knew that it would be a hard hit for her. Seeking to give comfort, he took his little sister's hand and together they went down the stairs.

When they reached the kitchen, where Edmund was bringing two full plates for Peter and Lucy, the latter's eyes met those of the man who had been in her thoughts all morning. She immediately looked down, blushing furiously and trying to ignore him. Guilt was surfacing in her again and she felt sullied.

She missed out on Caspian's worried look at her red eyes and pale features. He immediately realised that it must be his fault. She was probably going to ignore him for the rest of his stay now, and that made him feel more miserable than he liked to admit. How could he help her if she didn't talk to him? But that was not the only reason for his worry – his fastening pulse reminded him that there were too many thoughts left untold between them. If he wanted to feel appeased, he would need to talk to her, and yet he was scared by that thought. In the end, it wasn't his right to demand appeasement after what he had done…

Peter felt Lucy tense up next to him when they entered the room. He gave Edmund a questioning look, but the latter was humming happily, not paying attention to the subtle game going on between his sister and their guest. The oldest boy decided that he would talk to Lucy later – for now he was famished and still caught with wonder at the sight of Caspian. This appeared most strange to him, for he had long forgotten about Narnia, thinking about it only as a children's game. Yet, here the young man was, a living proof of Narnia's existence and a reminder of past adventure, where he had been High King. The memory of a smile and soft lips flashed in his mind. It had been more than his throne that made his memories so enchanting – everything had been a fairy tale: from the dragons to the princesses. No wonder he had deemed it a mere dream.

"I tried to cook." Edmund said, winking. "It's not even that bad."

The two newcomers sat down at the kitchen table and each took a plate warily.

"If you say so…" Peter said doubtfully. "Now, tell me, how had it been around here?"

Edmund shrugged.

"Before Caspian arrived, everything was just normal. School and stuff…"

"And you, Lucy?"

She looked up sheepishly. Peter was more important than what had happened while she had been drunk.

"Nothing much. Same as Edmund…"

She was about to ask her brother about the war when Edmund cut her off.

"Oh, we went to a party yesterday. I think it must be the first time Lucy went out in… two years or something like that!"

She winced. This was a bad subject to bring up.

"I'm not that terrible!" she protested, trying to sound a bit more like "old Lucy". "It's not like I never go out!"

Edmund and Caspian looked at her sceptically, the latter trying to blend in the best he could.

"What are you talking about?" Edmund said. He didn't understand why she was pretending. Peter knew how lethargic she had been for the past years after all, so she didn't have to hide.

"I…" Lucy said weakly. She lowered her head.

"It's fine, Lu." Peter said soothingly. "You don't have to feel bothered by what he's saying. You've just been needing some space for yourself…"

He broke off. Suddenly, he understood.

"You've been to Narnia two years ago!" he exclaimed. "We didn't believe you at the time, but now it seems obvious!"

Caspian frowned, still not understanding how Susan and Peter could not have believed their siblings' tale. Maybe his coming had been intended as a reminder for both of them, too… Except that he wouldn't get to see Susan.

"They did. And Eustace too. I think it might have been quite the life changer for him."

"Eustace? In Narnia!" Peter had to laugh at the thought. They had told him of course, but he had forgotten that bit of information.

"It definitely did change him." Edmund grinned. "I'm glad you believe us now."

"Is that what changed you?" Peter asked his sister after a thought.

Lucy looked away, ill at ease.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Seeing the worried look on Peter's face, Caspian added: "It's nothing bad that happened to her. It's just that Aslan told them that they could never go back…"

Lucy briskly stood up.

"I'm not hungry anymore. You can finish up for me."

In the blink of an eye, she had left the kitchen, storming to her room. How could they talk so calmly about being shut out of their beloved Narnia? She didn't want to be like Peter and Susan, who had committed the highest treason to her eyes: simply forgotten. Her kiss with Caspian suddenly seemed like a laughable matter. Why had she been so fixed on something that had happened in this world? It had no importance.

An awkward silence hung over the boys after she had gone. They felt bad for her, despite not understanding her state of mind.

"So that's what it was…" Peter said miserably.

The other nodded.

"Somehow she never got over it apparently." Edmund told him.

"I think that's why I was sent." Caspian said. "Aslan called me and asked me to save Queen Lucy… And it's true that she's not herself anymore. Maybe I'm supposed to help her go back to her old self."

"Well, go talk to her then." Peter said. If he was to be the solution, he had to do something.

Caspian suddenly felt anxious.

"I suppose so…"

He stood up, directing his footsteps towards the staircase. His legs seemed much heavier than usual. He wanted to run away, but how could he be a king if he was scared of a little girl… no, a woman? A man couldn't show that sort of weakness. Lucy had it easy being a girl, he thought. She could do what she had just showed to them: run away. Maybe it wasn't very honourable, but it wasn't shameful either. He had to be a man and comfort her. If possible without bringing up awkward subjects.

He found himself in front of her door in now time and sighed. He raised his hand to knock and paused to breathe in. Then he hit the door lightly. No answer came. Of course. He felt slightly upset at her for being so weak. He had held her to be a strong woman and a valiant queen, not this afraid little girl. The determination in her eyes was what had made him kiss her the previous night. He would never have done it otherwise and he couldn't stand seeing her like that.

"Open the door, Lucy!" he demanded, not feeling so kind.

He heard a sob in response and knocked again, more strongly.

"That's enough! How many years have you lived Lucy? Probably more than me! So what in the name of Aslan are you doing?"

Finally, the door opened and there she was standing, anger flashing in her eyes, making her look more like herself than she had in a long time. He wanted to kiss her again.

"This is none of your concern, Caspian!"

Then she slammed the door shut.