Disclaimer I do not own anything having anything to do with Marvel, Avengers, Thor, or the SHIELD New Recruit Survival Tips.

SHIELD New Recruit Survival Tip Correspondence

Survival Tip #435 – Director Fury on has one eye. He only needs one. For everything else, he has Coulson.

Survival Tip #308 – Certain highly skilled minors will, at times, be utilized by SHIELD. Please do not attempt to discipline these minors unless you are explicitly assigned to do so. Their skill sets could leave you in a very embarrassing incident.

Survival Tip #355 – Coulson sees all. All.

Survival Tip #289 – Despite what Agent Barton claims, the air ducts are not an approved method of traveling through buildings. You will get stuck before you really get anywhere.

Survival Tip #460 – Under no circumstances should you ever utter the phrase 'What's the worst that could happen?'

"Bzzz…Bzzz," the phone sizzled against the wood of the bedside table, "Bzzz…Bzzz."

"Hello," the man voiced hurriedly, he knew better than to not answer his phone, not only would he be reamed out by his boss the next morning but the world could literally end should he sleep in an extra hour to ignore the call.

"Are you sure that this is that urgent?" he asked doubtfully into the phone, glancing dejectedly to the empty spot on his left where his wife once slept before she'd demanded a divorce, for things like this.

"Alright, I'll grab the first plane out," he responded letting his phone slam shut back onto the table before begrudgingly swinging his legs over the bed to actually get up and get ready. This was going to be a long day.

Phil stood half-asleep just outside the maternity ward of Thousand Oaks Surgical Hospital in Malibu, California at 4:40…4:41am he noted as he eyed the digital clock above the double doors into the wing. He did not feel like this was a good use of his time. He was Fury's best friend and was in the running for the 3rd in command of the new division currently in development, SHIELD; and here he was standing outside the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit sighing dejectedly. He was called because of some stupid suicide note, from some stupid woman, who apparently had no respect for human life or an Agent's sleep schedule.

"Mr. Coulson," a man asked curiously from the doors into the ward, eyes bloodshot and dreary, a doctor's coat draped over him, and clipboard in his hands, "You can come on back now."

"I was called because this is highly sensitive," Phil questioned as they moved down the vacant corridor toward the baby's room.

"Yes, this is highly sensitive," the doctor responded, "and we didn't want this to get into the press, I know that trying to contact a secret area of the government is quite extreme but that fact that you actually came must be something."

"Yes, this is something."

"Now we haven't been able to run the paternity tests yet just because the offices aren't even open this early but they have been sent over and we should be receiving the results later today."

"Do you have the note?" Phil asked curiously.

The Doctor nodded before fishing it out of his pocket and handing it to the agent beside him.

Unfolding it slowly, Phil read the note quietly to himself,

Dear Tony,

I hope you know that all of this is your fault. You're a fucking jerk and I hope you and your demon spawn rot in hell. Yeah that's right, this stupid diseased thing that you gave me is a demon and I hate it. Because of you I had to quit college, I lost my cheer scholarship and my grades plummeted, my parents threw me out, they don't believe in sex before marriage. So now I'm pregnant and homeless but I'm going to solve both of those problems. I'm going to kill the stupid ass baby and get on with my life. And that's why there's a box full of bloody body parts with this letter. That, my dear Tony, is your baby. Have a great life, asshole.

May Lewis (I made sure to put my last name since I knew you wouldn't remember it)

Phil couldn't believe that someone had actually written this in seriousness, he had to read it again simply in disbelief.

"So as you can see, that note didn't really happen," the Doctor responded, "What did happen however, was May took quite a bit of Vicodin and Meth, then proceeded to attempt to give herself an abortion in an alley with a coat hanger. We found the box she was apparently planning on putting the baby in after she'd…removed it and it was addressed to Tony Stark; now I know this could be a hoax but we didn't want it getting into the press, especially since he's just started making a name for himself within Stark Industries now that he's taken over as CEO. We know how it could look to people."

"Well the US government thanks you for your discretion," Coulson replied, "I was wondering if I could speak with the mother?"

"Well the mother actually didn't make it," the Doctor responded, "It was a combination of drug overdose and blood loss."

"And the baby?"

"The baby appears to be quite healthy despite the clear drug problem of the mother and the attempted late term abortion but since she was pre-mature we are keeping her under observation. We've contacted May Lewis' parents but they were quite adamant that they wanted nothing to do with her. We'll be calling in a social worker once the nearby office opens up for the day."

"Can I see the child?" Coulson asked curiously.

"Of course," the doctor answered, "Follow me."

Phil paused behind the Doctor before taking the initiative to go into the room that the man had pushed open for him, the baby itself was surrounded in a bubble of sorts with plastic arms to hold and coddle it. Phil felt weightless as his body moved to stand beside the incubator and stare at the little girl who seemed to be sound asleep and quite content.

"She doesn't seem very agitated despite the tube down her throat. That's actually quite rare; she isn't even on anything…she's just sleeping right now," the doctor stated flatly from behind him, "She's actually quite curious about everything and she appears to be pretty smart, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she was a Stark."

"Thank you Doctor," Phil stated flatly to what one would assume was a dismissal; it didn't go unnoticed by the man who then moved from the room and gave the agent some privacy.

As soon as Phil was sure he was alone he called his boss, the man who'd insisted he come here to begin with, "Fury, it's Coulson."

"What do you have to report?"

"Not a lot as none of the labs are open to do any of the work needed to prove anything."

"What do you think?"

"I think it's his sir."

Fury growled on the other end of the line.

"Sir, what do you think we should do?"

"Nothing," Fury responded, "Stark has barely become a man and he isn't even responsible enough to take care of himself let alone another human being. Besides, he's projecting the development of six new super weapons within the year and we don't need his attention diverted. Let social services handle it."

"Are you sure sir," Coulson asked in disbelief.

"That's the only thing to do at this point; hell the boy's only 22. I'll see you in the office tomorrow," Fury finished before adding at the end, "Get some sleep."

"Yes sir." Phil ended the call and moved back to the baby, eying her with a smile. He'd always wanted a child, it was just that his wife hadn't; it was one of the many things that she'd divorced him over. He continued to stare at the tiny baby and as instantaneously as anything he'd ever decided, he decided that he wanted it. He wanted this baby, this little girl. As careful as he could, Phil slipped his hands into the plastic gloves and ran his hand over her face, she seemed to awaken at the touch and simply looked at him with her endotracheal tube taped to her mouth, seemingly unfrightened by the giant unknown man leaning over her, this was probably a mistake…a terrible mistake, but this may be his only hope for a child and he wasn't going to pass it up.

"Hwi Uncle Ferry," four year old Darcy smiled to the man in the black leather jacket that stood outside her front door. It wasn't so much a front door as it was a tiny apartment in the SHIELD headquarters in Washington that Phil and Darcy were staying in but she liked to answer it whenever a knock was heard.

"You shouldn't open the door for strangers," Fury told her, bending down to her height, "You didn't know it was me before you opened the door."

"Yes I did Uncle Ferry, look," she replied, pulling him by the arm into the apartment and to the back of the 'front' door, "See, I made it out of Daddy's old compooter." Fury stared at the device in disbelief; a four year old built a CCTV. "See, I can see the haways and I can see the corrydoors and I can see the front door. I know if it's you Uncle Ferry."

"I can see that?" Fury replied in disbelief, "How did you learn to do all this?"

"I don' know…I just did it," she shrugged as though that were all the explanation needed, "So…?"

"What do you mean 'So'…so what?"

"So why did you come knocking on my door?"

"I was looking for your father," Fury responded, "Do you know where he is?"

"Nopes," Darcy responded, "Haven't seens him in a while but he said he'd be back here at five to make dinner…do ya think he'll make it back?"

"For you, he'll be here."

Darcy responded with a wide smile and Fury let himself out of the apartment, still shaking his head in disbelief that a four year old made that security system from an old computer, she'd be a great SHIELD agent one day.

"Darcy sweety what are you doing?" Phil called as he heard a crashing sound coming from the living room.

"Nussing Daddy," the girl responded a cutely as possible, only making him more suspicious.

"Darcy," Phil began, his voice rising in pitch as he stormed over to the little girl rolling away from the coffee table as though it were on fire, "Darcy what are you…"

Suddenly the coffee table exploded and Phil had to fling his hands over his eyes to keep the wood shards from damaging his corneas.

"Are you okay Daddy?" the little girl shouted worriedly, running to her father and working to brush off the saw dust.

"I'm fine…are you okay? What happened?"

"I built a bomb," she shrugged, "But it wasn't nearly as strong as I'd calculated. I don't think I used enough gun powder."

The little girl moved toward her work bench of a dining room table and Phil noticed that his sidearm had been completely disassembled and the bullets pulled apart to reveal the gunpowder inside.

"You know you're not allowed to touch my gun," Phil shouted suddenly at her.

"But…I wanted to build a bomb," Darcy huffed sadly.

"I don't care," Phil responded, moving and grabbing the gun off the counter, "You don't take apart my gun."

"I'm sowy," Darcy huffed, rubbing her eyes with the backs of her hands, "I won't do wit again I pwomise."

"What is wrong with you," Phil shouted angrily, Darcy fully crying now.

"What's going on in here?" Fury shouted alarmed, Maria just seconds behind him but from the opposite direction, "I heard an explosion."

"Darcy built a bomb and used my bullets to make it," Phil growled, shouting in Darcy's direction.

"I said I was sowy," Darcy replied desperately, "I said I was sowy."

"Well sorry isn't good enough this time. You could've killed someone."

"But I didn't."

"But you could've."

"But I didn't."

"Darcy are you hungry?" Maria asked interrupting the shouting match.

"Yeah," Darcy sniffled.

"Come on, let's go the cafeteria and get you some food, maybe they have pizza."

"Ohhh, peza, I wuv peza."

"You are way too hard on her," Fury responded, once the two ladies were out of the room.

"I don't want anything to happen to her."

"She lives in a secret underground government base; anything could happen to her, it comes with the territory. But I've gotta tell you, the more restraint you try to force on her, the worse she's going to get, you need to keep her genetics in mind."

"I choose to believe in nurture over nature."

Fury just shook his head at his friend and sighed, "Then you may be in for a rude awakening."

Darcy snickered to herself, her weight spread evenly throughout the air duct to prevent any groaning noise. It was blowing warm air past her and into the room below and she was beginning to sweat against it but that didn't stop her from her mission. She was going to catch him, surprise him, just like she said she would all those hours ago when he'd said with a laugh, his eyebrows rising, "You can try."

She shimmied her body along, careful of the creaks and groans both at the connecting areas as well as the areas of little support before she reached the air vent above his head. She could see it in all its bald glory shinning against the light and she smiled excitedly. It was set up too perfectly, way too perfectly. Chocking it up to coincidence, Darcy shimmied the rest of the way and after taking a deep breath, burst through the vent and toward the tall black man covered in leather.

She hadn't estimated the sound of the vent opening and upon hearing it her target took a sideways step to the left and she was no longer above him but to his right. Before she even had a chance to panic, the man grabbed her by the ankle and now hanging upside down, raised the girl's upside down head up to his own.

"Darcy," Fury stated flatly, his patched eye rising as he eyed her, "What is it that you're doing?"

"Surprising you," she shrugged, releasing a giggle as her arms dangled loosely amongst her hair.

"Well you didn't surprise me…I heard you coming from down the corridor," Fury replied, setting down his computer remote and used both hands to get her upright and standing in her tiny socked feet onto the shield table.

"You're just sayin' that cus' you don't wanna admit that I got you," Darcy countered, poking him in the chest with her tiny index finger.

"Where's your father?" Fury lamented.

"Don't be like 'dat Ferry, you know you love me," Darcy grinned.

"Mmm," he grumbled, lifting her under her armpits until her feet touched cement, "I'm busy."

"Busy with what?" the girl asked curiously.

"I'm watching something."

"What?"

"That's classified," he replied with a smirk as the girl furrowed her brow in annoyance and crossed her arms angrily.

"That's not fair."

"Life's not fair," Fury responded, "Now out, I have a meeting in a minute."

"Can I stay?" she asked curiously, eyes shining widely.

"No," Fury replied quickly, not wanting to let her think that he was caving…he wasn't.

"Darc, what are you doing in here?" she heard her father ask from the open doorway.

"I scared Ferry," she smiled triumphantly.

"No you didn't," Nick responded with an eye roll.

"Whatever," Darcy huffed, "Believe what you want."

"I will," Fury responded, pushing her from the room and locking the door seconds before the Security Council appeared on the screen before them.

"School…school…the first day of SCHOOOOOOLLLL!" Darcy shouted excitedly, dancing around her father as he sat in the dining room chair beside the door putting his shoes on.

"Darcy, please settle down, you're acting like you have a problem," Phil stated tiredly. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, between Darcy's nightmares about the teacher being an alien and the emergency protocol E that occurred at 0215.

"I do have a problem," she replied, hopping like a bunny while she held the straps of her backpack to her body to keep it from jostling her pencil case, "A problem of the excitements."

"That's not a real thing," Phil replied, getting his shoelace tied before ushering her down the corridors and into a car to take her to the small elementary in town. He'd been half tempted to home-school her simply to keep her safe but he needed her around kids her own age so that way she couldn't say fuck with the reasoning, 'Everyone I know says it, I don't see why it's such a bit deal.' Besides, what's the worst that could happen?

He picked her up and placed her into the passenger seat of his nondescript SUV before placing his sunglasses on his face and heading toward the small school.

"Hey daddy?"

"Yes sweetheart," Phil asked curiously.

"I just wanna get this straight," she began picking at the material of her Power Ranger backpack as she began to go over what he'd been drilling into her for the last week, "So no one can know where I live. No one can come over for a sleepover… but I can go over there, I cannot fight nor punch anyone no matter what they say or do, I am not to leave the premises with anyone other than you, Uncle Ferry, or Aunty Maria, I may not use adult language in the school…"

"Anywhere," Phil corrected.

"What?"

"You may not use adult language anywhere."

"Well why not, everyone else at SHIELD does and they think it's funny when I say asswipe."

"I don't care if they say it or they think it's funny," Coulson grumbled, massaging his forehead with his hand, "That is adult language and you are not allowed to use it until you're an adult."

"So when I'm an adult I can say it?"

"Yes."

"Daddy?"

"What?"

"I'm hungry, I didn't eat a bowl of applejacks like you told me to."

Coulson sighed annoyed but none the less quickly pulled into the nearest gas station and bought her an individual package of poptarts, "Here, that's the healthiest and least messy thing that I could find in there. Eat it before we get to the school."

"Sank you daddy," the little girl smiled, pulling apart the wrapper and biting into the frosted treat. Wow, pop-tarts are delicious.

(5 hours later)

"Hello, Mr. Coulson," a woman's voice shouted into the conference room phone that was required to be put on speaker during the debriefing that was being attended by Maria, Nick, Phil, the White House Chief of Staff, the Secretary of State, and the President himself, "You need to come get your daughter immediately."

"I'm sorry?" Phil asked in disbelief as screaming came through the speaker and the Secretary of State winced.

"Your daughter is a terrible influence on the rest of the student body. When I told them to take a nap she declared my leadership a tyranny, then proceeded to group the children together, and somehow make weapons out of plastic toy kitchen foods. She is currently using my desktop computer to hack into the CIA's terrorist list because she believes that she will find my picture on it as well as one of my 'many aliases'. I cannot handle this type of chaos with 16 kindergarteners. You need to get her immediately."

"Who let her have a phone," a voice that Phil instantly recognized as Darcy's shouted, "She's contacting her handler; take it from her immediately and tie her to that dinosaur chair."

There was suddenly the sound of rustling and he heard Darcy quite clearly, "I have apprehended your agent Ms. Lightly, any attempt to rescue her would be ill-fated on your part. I do not bargain with criminals."

Then suddenly the line went dead.

"Wow," President Clinton breathed in disbelief, "Some girl you got there."

"She makes SHIELD quite proud," Fury smiled, finding the entire situation hilarious.

"I'm sorry, but I need to leave," Phil replied embarrassed, "A child is going to be severely punished very soon."

"You better be careful she doesn't punish you," the President laughed.

"Oh, I feel like I'm already being punished sir," Phil replied grabbing his jacket and keys from his spot and heading out the door, the room erupting into laughter as the door closed.

AN: So I have no idea who this will be received, but this Chapter is essentially from Birth to age 4, then the next one will be Darcy as a teenager or high school age, then we'll get into the actual story starting with Darcy getting her college internship for those 6 credits and it will go through the Avengers and beyond :) If anyone likes it that is.

Oh and while I was finishing this I kept hearing a really weird noise that was pissing me off, turns out Loki thinks its a good idea to take all his toys that make noise and put them in his water dish and then bat at them and get water all over the floor; stupid cat. No Loki, get off my bed with your wet hands...your so annoying. :|

Oh and who do you want her with by the end...relationship wise. I'm already planning a her and Nat having a super awesome friendship and obviously she's Tony's daughter and I'm not into incest but anything else you can let me know about.