AN: I could lie about why I haven't updated sooner but you guys deserve the truth. My 2013 was pretty rough...I got put back on antidepressants, left my husband, moved in with my parents and had a breakdown all in the space of about 8 months maybe less. Anyway I'm not after sympathy or any crap like that I just wanted you to know that I had a series of very legitimate reasons to not want to write.

On a brighter note...there will be one more chapter after this and I'm already working on another story possibly two...keep your eyes peeled :)

11th March 2012: (Sun) 21 months + 1 month
I've been here a week so far and the only thing keeping me going is being able to go home to Ricky and our kids. Now that I'm not under constant observation I have been told that I can have visitors so later today after lunch I get to see my family but first I have creative therapy followed by a meeting with my doctor then lunch and visiting hours in the afternoon. I don't like creative therapy - I'm no good at art, anything I might want to write I don't want anyone to read and I'd rather listen to music than make it. Needless to say my doctors aren't happy with my reluctance to take part but I do spend my time decorating my hospital issue shoes with song lyrics, that they are interested in saying that I customise things to suit my mood which is a load of bollocks. I do it to make things more comfortable or appealing to my tastes plus it means that no one else has anything like it.
My first four days I spent in tears, I miss Morgan and Killian like crazy and I hate that I've taken myself away from them especially when my son is still so young and things between me and Ricky are still unsettled. Will he stay when I get home or will he go back to his parents house or maybe move somewhere else which I know would most likely destroy me.
Another thing that really upset me was that they took my headphones away stating that I could try and hang myself with them so I need speakers to listen to music meaning that what I listen to is no longer private and the other patients complain. For the same reason I'm not allowed headphones I can't have shoelaces or belts and I have to be supervised if I want to shave my legs. I'm still watched but unofficially due to my history of self harming and the suicide attempt last time I was put in a psychiatric hospital. I was very methodical and managed to hide the fact that I wasn't taking my pills even trading others for their pills too so I'd have enough then one afternoon when the nurses thought I was reading in my room I took them all. Too bad I did it just before checks so one of the nurses on duty found me and I had to have my stomach pumped, well I used to think it was a bad thing but if I'd succeeded then I never would have gotten to move here, meet my friends and Ricky which would mean that Morgan and Killian would never have been born.
"Lou, Dr Ripley will see you now. Come on I'll help you." I like Nurse Mills, he's the only one to call me by my nickname and he really cares about what he does and all us nut jobs in here. He offers me his hand to help me up and I cling to his arm as we walk to the doctors office with me on shaky, unsteady legs due to the withdrawal that's being enforced in case I have to change medication. We walk inside the office and I plop down into one of the seats in front of the desk drawing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. Dr Ripley sits there in her chair going through my notes making me impatient.
"So how are you feeling today?" Great opening line doc. I just shrug. "I know the withdrawal is pretty horrible but it's necessary in order to change your medication if we decide to go down that path. Going over your file it says you've been on Citalopram for nearly 5 years without much improvement is that correct?" I nod. "Well I feel that you might do better on Setraline or possibly Fluoxetine, Paroxetine or Bupropion. An alternative would be to combine the Citalopram and Bupropion as it can be more effective than switching so we'll most likely start with that ok?" I nod again only having half heard what she said my mind already on this afternoon. "Right then tomorrow we'll start you on a low dosage and we'll go from there. Any problems let me or one of the nurses know but otherwise I'll see you next week." Closing my file she moves onto the next patient giving me the opportunity to leave for lunch albeit very slowly.
I shuffle to the queue grabbing a tray even though I have no appetite. Searching through the fruit bowl I get an apple then ask for toast earning myself disapproving looks from the kitchen staff but I don't give a toss. Due to the tremors in my hands from the lack of drugs in my system it takes me ages to eat and I give up halfway through my apple throwing it all away then slowly go to the common room and wait for my family to show up.

RPOV:
I finish putting Killian in his car seat and look at Morgan who hasn't moved from her spot in front of the TV so I grab the remote and turn it off making her scowl at me. "Daddy mean. Hate you." She's been acting up since Lou was sectioned and I moved back in but she's never said that before. Calmly I walk over to her and get down to her level. "You don't hate me munchkin, you miss mommy and wanted to upset me right?" She nods then wraps her arms around my neck as an apology. "Well if you go and put your shoes on then we can go and see mommy, I know she wants to see you and Killian." I smile to myself as she runs off to her room mildly surprised when she comes back in wearing her new slip on Vans instead of her boots. "Faster" she says simply taking my hand and dragging us to the car once I've picked up the bag and car seat.
The drive doesn't take long and soon we're walking through the hospital to the room where visitors are allowed, Morgan's hand slipping out of mine as soon as she spots Lou. My heart hurts seeing her like this staring vacantly out of the window but it's not until she moves and notices Morgan that I see how bad she really is. Her clothes now hang loose showing just how thin she is now, scratches visible on the parts of her arms that aren't still bandaged and the worst is the dead look in her eyes as she meets my gaze. At that moment Killian starts fussing so I pull him into my arms and sit down, Lou never taking her eyes off of me even as I kiss her forehead before getting comfortable.
"You've gotten so good with him." She's so quiet that I have to work to hear what she said.
"I have to be, he doesn't like anyone else other than me except mom and Amy. Every time he sees Ben the screaming starts." I smile thinking of the times he tried to help before being defeated by our infant son.
"I'd like to hold him if that's ok, it feels like so long since I last saw these two." I can't believe she's asking to hold her own baby but since he's settled a bit I pass him over glad to see he hasn't started wailing again which I know would crush Lou so I pull Morgan onto my lap.
"I think it's safe to add you to the Killian approved list of people, it's very exclusive and only the best people get onto it." Lou grins still looking at the baby in her arms.
"I'm his mum so I should be top of the list as I'm the most awesome person he knows after all well apart from you of course." Her eyes meet mine, the defeat in them replaced with determination and I instantly know that she's not going to give in and fight to get back to us.
"Mommy look." Morgan points at her feet showing off her shoes.
"Wow they're so cool, can I have them?" She giggles shaking her head at Lou. "Who got you those? I'll have to ask them for my own pair."
"Daddy but Pay told right ones."
"I went on the webcam to give Patience an update and somehow this little munchkin got a new pair of shoes out of it." I explain. We sit and talk about how the doctors are going to treat her and how therapy is going and after a while it's time to leave and as Lou is telling Morgan to behave for me I pull her into a hug feeling the front of my shirt dampen from her tears. She pulls back and wipes her face looking me in the eye. "I love you" she says before kissing me, both of us putting how much we miss each other into the kiss and my final missing memories slam back into place thanks in large part to the fact that we've kissed like this before all the other times we've been apart from each other.
"I love you too Mrs Underwood." I give her one last kiss then get the kids and start heading home already looking forward to when I'll see my wife again.

17th March 2012: (Sat) 21 months + 1 month
"Lou get out of the van please." I can tell Nurse Mills is getting annoyed with me but I'm really not in the mood to be dragged to the beach on a trip with some of the other patients. It doesn't help that this is one of the few outings we're allowed to have our families come on which normally would be great but Ricky didn't think he could get the time off work hence the bad mood I'm currently in.
I stay glued to my seat in the van refusing to move for another 30 minutes having a glaring contest when I suddenly get the wind knocked out of me by a familiar little whirlwind jumping onto my lap.
"Where'd you come from munchkin?" I give Morgan a quick kiss on the top of her head while she points in the direction she's just run from and I see Ricky moving quickly towards us with Killian in his arms, Amy a bit behind him helping John with big grins on their faces.
"Going to introduce me to everyone Lou?" Nurse Mills raises one eyebrow clearly hoping that I'll move now.
"You already know Ricky and the kids, this is Amy and John. They're my family."
"Well hi Lou's family, I'm Ron one of the nurses at the hospital. Any chance you can get her to join us on the actual beach instead of sitting here like a stubborn fool?" He winks at me so I know he's only teasing me as both Ricky and Amy hold out their hands pulling me into the sunshine.

Once we're seated on one of the many blankets I'm surprised by John giving me a hug before running off to play with Morgan though it doesn't beat the look on Amy's face when I give her a massive hug making Ricky laugh.
"What? I miss you guys." Both of them give me questioning looks.
"Who are you and what have you done with my friend?" Amy smirks so I stick my tongue out at them both. "This is so different from the last time we came to the beach together." I glance at Amy as she continues "I mean you two had only just gone public about being together, Killian hadn't been born, none of us had graduated and now look at us."
"Yeah now I'm a wife, mother of 2, step mum and certified crazy person but at least I'm rich! Oh that means I'm not crazy but eccentric, yes much better, I definitely prefer that!" We all burst into fits of laughter, none of us able to breathe until it's announced that there is food available so Amy and I decide to see what's on offer.
As soon as we're far enough away from the blanket she stands in front of me preventing my reaching the mountain of edible goodies.
"What's going on? I thought you wanted me to eat?" I'm seriously confused right now.
"I've already spoken to Ricky and he agreed that we can do this as long as you're ok with it." I glance back at my husband playing in the water with the kids still none the wiser as to what's going on. "As you know I graduate soon and have already applied to several colleges, well I know it'll be a lot harder if I take John with me for all of us so Ricky and I decided it would be better if he stayed here so he's not uprooted so much."
"Okay so why have I got to agree…" Ah now I get it! "Oh so John would live with us while you're away?"
"Only if you're alright with it that is, I mean I don't want to cause you any problems." Amy looks so worried that I'm going to lose my marbles at any second that I just give her a hug then drag her to the food hoping that there's a burger left somewhere.

15th April 2012: (Sun) 22 months + 2 months
I've been here about 2 months now and I can't believe how much crap is in my room. How on earth did I end up with a magic 8 ball? Seriously? Throwing the unwanted items into a box I finish packing ready for when I leave in a few hours. To say I'm excited is not good enough to cover how I'm feeling, I'm more like Grace than myself and I must admit it's kind of freeing but very strange at the same time.
"Hey Lou, lover boy is here. Need a hand carrying anything?" I turn to look at Nurse Mills and point at the box on the floor.
"That stuff is free to whoever wants it and don't call my husband that, his name is Ricky."
Ron smirks at before picking up the discarded items while I collect my bag of clothes and personal items as well as my new collection of medication. I don't look back once I walk through the door towards the entrance hall where Ricky is going over my discharge papers with Dr Ripley and the receptionist.
After a quick goodbye we're in the car and I'm still worried that they'll call me back saying I'm not ready to leave yet. Noticing my grip on my seat Ricky starts rubbing circles on the back of my hand before lacing our fingers together not letting go the entire way home.

"Surprise!" I'm attacked by noise and smiling faces as soon as I walk through my front door.
"Welcome home sweetheart." Margaret gives me a one armed hug before handing Killian to me his little face lighting up when he realises who I am.
"Let me through…important best mate here…dude!" I'm literally speechless as Paish fights her way through the small crowd towards me. "Hey nutcase, how's life on the outside?"
"It's good" I laugh "Who had the idea for all this?"
"We couldn't stop Grace so settled mostly for damage control instead." Adrian explains before introducing me to Omar who looks absolutely smitten.
"I invited Patience though I don't think we would have been able to keep her away if we tried." Amy grins.
I hear Morgan squealing in excitement before I see her running towards me with John not far behind. I get a slobbery kiss from both before they run off to play again.
"So…fill me in, what's been going on while I've been crazy?" I take a seat still cuddling the baby boy in my arms waiting for all the gossip that I've missed.
"Well…Adrian is dating Omar, Amy split with Ben and is now with Jimmy, Grace is seeing Grant who's the tall guy in the corner and Jack is with Madison. Oh and Ben is moving to Italy to work in the family hotel business I believe." I'm impressed by Margaret's knowledge of my friends comings and goings. I give her a look "I'm a social worker…I'm very social" she tells us making everyone laugh.
Suddenly with everyone around me I realise that no matter how ill I get or whatever might happen, my friends and family will be sticking with me as long as they can.
Ricky joins me on the sofa watching all of our friends. "Everything ok? I swear I didn't know they were going to go to this much trouble." I lean over and kiss him not disturbing our son in my arms.
"It's brilliant and I think I've figured it out finally."
"Figured what out exactly?" My husband looks confused making me laugh.
"It's all going to work out in the end even if there's a few bumps along the way. That's how life is and we should just make the best of it. Besides it's like Calvin Harris says in The Rain 'These are the good times in your life so put on a smile and it'll be alright'."