Naruto: An Intervention

Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.

HOLY SHIT HE UPDATED! End of the world is nigh, people! END OF THE WORLD! But before then, feel free to read this junk.

The Haruno Household...

"Geez," Sakura muttered as she was packing in her brightly colored room at home, "Anti-bandit mission, right now?"

Sounds like a plot to me, Inner Sakura suggested. Like Tsunade-sama is in on our plan!

"The dominoes are lining up a bit too well, I'll admit," Sakura said, trying to decide between two kunai. "Mmm... Barbed, or non-barbed?"

Which would feel better to shove into our-

"Okay, no," Sakura growled.

Kidding, kidding! I'm not that twisted! Inner Sakura quickly defended herself.

"You're not exactly making it easy for me to tell when you're being serious," Sakura stated flatly. Inner Sakura snorted.

That's part of my charm!

"Yeah, that's one word for it," Sakura muttered.

"Sakura?"

She turned to see her mother standing in the doorway, looking concerned. Sakura just smiled back.

"Oh, hi mom! Er, sorry, was I talking to my Inner too loudly?"

"A bit, yes," her mother said kindly, "but I expect you don't stand out too much compared to other ninjas with... Similar issues."

"So, you think I'm like... The sane one?" Sakura asked, opting to shove both kunai into her bag. Her mother laughed softly.

"Goodness... If you are, I'd hate to see an insane ninja."

"Mom!" Sakura gasped. "How could you-?!"

"Oh come now Sakura-chan, I'm just joking!" Her mother clucked, walking over to her daughter. She hugged her tightly, and Sakura returned it. She rested her head against her mother's chest and sighed. Comfort came in the form of her mother's fingers, stroking her hair.

"You need to have a sense of humor about life, especially given what you go through," her mother said kindly.

"It isn't as bad as what some others have gone through..."

"So? It doesn't make you any less important," her mother argued. Sakura looked up into her face, and smiled back. Her mother kissed her forehead. "And recognition of that makes you a better person."

"Thanks Mom," Sakura said.

"So, this plan of yours to save Naruto..." Sakura's mom smiled. "Need any help with it?" The pink haired woman licked her lips. Sakura blinked.

"Help?"

"Well, you know, if he already has a thing for older women~," Sakura's mother practically purred. Sakura flushed, pushed away from her mother, and grabbed her pack.

"M-MOM! Not funny!" Sakura hissed. Her mother blinked.

"Who was joking?"

We'll call that plan C, Inner Sakura added.

"You're both terrible!" Sakura cried, jumping out the window. Her mother waved after her.

"Good luck, dear! Love you! Have fun seducing your teammate!"

"I WON'T!" Sakura shouted back.

She doesn't speak for both of us!

"QUIET YOU!"

At the Uchiha home...

Sasuke owned the entirety of the old Uchiha District, but did not actually live there. He had his own apartment, quite far from the place of the massacre. It granted him a nice overlook of Konoha, and a gorgeous view of the great Forest of Death in the distance.

None of which he particularly cared about, as he shoved his gear into the bag. A loud bit of construction work was going on across the street, which provided him with a rhythm to pack to.

"Going on a mission... Under Shino's orders... Helping Naruto get laid," Sasuke sighed. He packed his favorite Kunai, the one he hoped to use to eviscerate his elder brother, in its special designer sheath. He checked his scrolls and his ninja wire, as well as a number of other useful gadgets. "That's just flat out ridiculous..." He took a deep breath.

"Avenger's log. While I consider Naruto a... Friend... Sort of... He is primarily an annoying rival with a super hot older sister figure I would like very much to marry and restart my clan with," Sasuke pronounced. "Not just super hot, but kind, and compassionate, and confusing. I mean, I can set people on fire and she doesn't care. I can punch people with lightning,and she doesn't care." Sasuke paused. "I mean, not that I would ever use it on her. Or any helpless woman, for that matter." He scratched the back of his oft remarked spiky haired head.

"In fact, I can't really imagine a situation where I would even do that..."

"Well, that's good to know," Ayame commented. Sasuke jumped and yelped, spinning around with a jutsu on his lips. He froze in disbelief when he saw Ayame sitting there, smiling nervously at him.

"... How the hell did you-?!"

"Just because I'm not a ninja doesn't mean I haven't been paying attention," Ayame said glibly. "Besides! I've had to deliver ramen on time, avoiding ninjas trying to make me late so they don't have to pay." She held up her fingers in a victory sign, with a cheerful smile. "I am awesome!"

"... Yes," Sasuke replied slowly. "Why are you here?"

"One, I just wanted to wish you luck on your mission, out there and to help Naruto get into a healthier sexual relationship with someone closer to his own age," Ayame said. She smiled. "I mean... That you're willing to do that is... It's really good, Sasuke."

Sasuke snorted. "I get what I want out of it. I make you happy. Making you happy, gets me closer to making you Uchiha matriarch," he pronounced, only blushing a little and avoiding her eyes. Ayame raised an eyebrow.

"You are optimistic..."

"Sh-Should I not be?" Sasuke asked, only stuttering a little. Ayame laughed and walked over. She gave him a hug. He stiffened, but relaxed a little.

"You're cute," Ayame said. "I mean... You have issues... Subscriptions, really, but... You're cute." She sighed, and ruffled his hair. He flushed harder. "But you really need to grow up and improve... Before we can do anything. All right?" She asked.

Sasuke very slowly nodded. "So... I need to grow stronger... Improve... And kill my older brother before you'll accept me?"

Ayame blinked. "Wait, what? No! That's not what I said-"

"Just you wait, Ayame," Sasuke said intently, "I will grow and become strong, kill my older brother, and return to start the Uchiha clan again-"

"No! That's not remotely what I said!" Ayame said urgently. Sasuke offered her a smirk.

"I didn't figure you for such a bloodthirsty girl, but it only makes you more attr-MMPH!"

Out of ideas, Ayame held Sasuke's face into her bosom. He squirmed, and then gradually slowed and calmed down. Ayame pushed him back, and looking intently into his eyes.

"Do I have your attention?" She asked.

"... Sorry, you were saying something...?" Sasuke asked, his entire face red. Ayame sighed.

"All right, let's try this again..."

Naruto, uncharacteristically, arrived first at the meeting point for all the teams. He adjusted the straps of his backpack, and sighed.

"Feeling underconfident, brat? That's not like you," said Anko, dropping in behind him. He yelped, and turned around with a scowl.

"Anko-nee-chan!" He cried. "Don't do that! Or at least teach me how to do it!"

"All in good time, brat," Anko cooed, ruffling his hair. He scowled, and tried to ruffle it back to its usual spikiness. Anko sighed and caught him in a headlock, ruffling it back.

"Mmmph!" Naruto flailed his arms around. Anko laughed, and hugged his face tightly to her chest.

"Mmm...!"

"Now Naruto-kun. You're going to have to grow and do some things you won't want to do in your life," Anko said solemnly. "Not things that contradict your morals, but things that feel wrong."

"What does contradict mean?" Naruto asked, looking up at her between her breasts. Anko beamed.

"It means something that is opposed to your sense of right and wrong... I mean," she sighed at Naruto's blank look, "it means something that you find wrong or confusing."

"Oh," Naruto said with a nod. "I get it!"

Anko stared at him. Naruto grumbled.

"Okay fine, I don't really get it," he muttered. "But I'm willing to try!"

"There, see!" Anko said cheerfully. "At least you admit it! That's progress!"

"To admit that I don't know something?" Naruto asked. Anko nodded.

"It's better than loudly yelling you do know something. That usually means you don't."

Naruto's puzzled face made another appearance. His eyes closed and his face frowning. He looked like such a fox, it was simply adorable. So Anko hugged him again.

"You're so cute when you don't know anything," Anko cooed. Naruto coughed.

"Anko-nee-chan! You're going to embarrass me!"

"That's the plan," Anko said with a sadistic grin, as she spotted Ino and Hinata jumping from a nearby rooftop. "Speaking of... Remember..." She leaned down and scandalously whispered into his ear; "the plan... And what I taught you~..."

"Eh... An-Anko-nee-chan!" Naruto gasped. He looked over at Hinata and Ino-A girl he knew he considered a close friend, and a girl he'd had his first kiss with. He had almost never thought of them as terrifying, but in that moment... A deep, abiding fear he had only known around females like Sakura, Tsunade and sometimes Anko. Hinata's eyes were glowing, and Ino's gaze felt like an X-ray machine on full blast. Anko grinned, and smacked his bottom.

"Have fun, Naru-chan~! Remember who your nee-chan is~!" Anko cackled, jumping off to the nearest roof. Naruto watched her go... And then looked back at Hinata and Ino. . Naruto took a deep breath, and tried to remember Anko's instructions.

Well, remember them without his nose exploding into blood.

"Um... Okay, I'm commander... So... Hinata-chan, Ino-chan, that means I'm... In charge," Naruto managed. "Ahem. So... Uh... Stand at attention?"

Both girls looked at one another. Some inaudible communication went on between them, that Naruto was hard pressed to decipher. They looked back at Naruto and beamed.

"Yes, Naruto-kun!" They cried, standing at attention. Naruto smiled.

This wasn't so bad... "Okay! So, you're ready to begin the mission?"

"Yes, Naruto-kun!" Hinata said cheerfully. Ino nodded, and her eyes became half-lidded.

"Or would you prefer... Naruto-sama~?" Ino asked, her voice dipping in pitch. Naruto blushed heavily.

"Er... Um... N-Naruto works just fine," Naruto managed. Hinata nodded eagerly.

"Good! Getting that done is very excellent, Naruto!"

"Er... You think so?" Naruto asked. Hinata nodded.

"Oh yes!"

Ino leaned over. "You probably won't have to use the riding crop just yet."

"Well no, not ye-EEP!" Hinata gasped, covering her red cheeks.

Naruto blinked. "Huh? Riding crop? Why would you need-?"

"NO REASON!" Hinata hissed. She glared at Ino, and whispered furiously. "How did you-?!"

"I didn't," Ino said with an evil smile. Hinata's face could have cooked an egg.

"Uh... Well, that's... Good," Naruto mumbled. Inside his mind, he felt a strange urge to fire a machine gun and scream profanity while wearing a white suit.

That didn't last long though, as the rest of the Rookies soon arrived. Even a traumatized-looking Lee had been dragged along. And so had Neji.

"Well, let's go kill some bandits!" Kiba said cheerfully.

And bang some bitches! Akamaru cried.

"Hell yes!" Kiba cheered. Tenten blinked.

"What did he say-?"

"He was just agreeing with me," Kiba said quickly. "Commander Aburame, you ready to go?"

Shino nodded. "Yes I am, sub-commander Kiba."

"I-Why am I the sub-commander?!" Kiba cried.

"Because you're a sub," Shino pronounced. Kiba growled. "Right then. Commander Nara, sitrep."

"My team is somewhat less troublesome than the rest of these idiots," Shikamaru pronounced. Shino nodded, ignoring Chouji's smug look.

"Commander Uzumaki? Situation?"

"Er..." Ino and Hinata were practically attached to his arms, despite Sakura's deathglare. "Ready?"

Shino nodded. "Excellent. Let us move out... And pray the various machinations by fools will not blow up too much."

Hinata nodded happily. "My father says that a lot!"

"Indeed. It was one thing I paid attention to out of his ranting when Kiba and Akamaru crapped on the rug."

Hinata sighed. "Good times..."

"GUYS!" Kiba shouted.

And the saga continues...