AN: TRIGGER WARNING! This chapter does contain a small scene in which one of the characters is cutting and I just want you to be warned, I've read a lot of fics that I think are entirely unreal in regards to this topic and sometimes it's not even about them not knowing but that they actually seem to be mocking it so I wrote from a personal experience. Let me know what you think.

"When you're twins, there's a lot expected from you.. People think that you're going to act or think exactly the same, feel the same emotions, react the same and be perfectly in sync all the time, you're not your own person and.." it was frustrating the way the world treated them, as if they were different than anyone else just because they were twins, so many more expectations, so much more pressure and no one, no one at all could ever tell them apart, not even the people that they loved dearly until they'd recently met Haruhi but she was the one that started this whole mess, the one that really opened Kaoru's eyes to the world around them and how it worked, especially towards them.

Slouched over naked on the edge of the bed, Kaoru looked down at his hands that were fiddling in his lap. He was nervous, trying to come up with the proper words to explain why he had done what he did, trying to explain it to Hikaru who was kneeled on the floor in front of him looking up with such love and undoubtable concern in his eyes.

"To have our secret.. That doesn't bother me, doesn't stress me out at all because it's not their business but I do know that if someone found out and got nasty over it, attacked us, attacked you, that I couldn't take it and sometimes I worry.. is that ultimately the same thing as being stressed about it?" letting his eyes flash over to meet Hikaru's he saw a definite sadness and reached out to place a finger gently to his brothers lips that were parting to speak, hushing him because Kaoru needed to finish his thought and explanation before he lost track of what he was saying so that he could work on saying what was the real problem with him.

"It's our parents.. They're never here and then when they are its nothing but how poorly we are doing, how we're never enough even though we're nearly top of our class. When father was home and he struck me.. he didn't say another word, just turned and walked away and that hurt more than all of his anger and lectures about upholding the Hitachi family name combined. I just.." pausing to wipe at his eyes, Kaoru took another pause feeling as though he was rambling even though he was really just trying to find the right way to explain. Maybe there was no clear explanation? "The pressure, the stress, everything, it was just too much, IS too much and I just.. I had to try something and Hikaru.. Hikaru I am so sorry.. so so sorry."

Doubling over with his arms crossed over his legs, sobs began to rip from Kaoru's chest as he hid his face, unable to even look at his brother for the amount of guilt that welled up in him when he saw the tears in his brothers eyes as well, when he remembered the look on his brother's face upon his opening of the bathroom door to find him sitting there bleeding. It hadn't been a suicide attempt, he didn't feel that depressed nor would he ever do that to Hikaru but he had heard of people cutting, knew people in their school that did it and if it helped so many people to feel better then why couldn't it have helped him to feel better as well?

It was by accident that Hikaru had even found his brother trying his hand at cutting but either way he would have found out, they didn't hide anything from each other but it wasn't anything he had ever expected to see so he had panicked thinking Kaoru had been hurt, rushing to his side to press a cloth from their shelf onto the wound as he asked if his brother was alright, seeing clearly that Kaoru was crying but having no real idea why until he pulled the cloth away from his brother's arm and saw that instead of one wound, there was five consecutive and more or less identical thin slashes to his ivory flesh. Wide eyes had looked up in shock and surprise but he didn't get angry, instead it felt like something sort of broke inside him and instead of anger came a calm sadness that helped him to keep his head as he helped to clean and dress his brothers wounds, the silence around them was stifling but only the shaking of his hands acted as the true indication of Hikaru's distress.

Would this happen again? Would he be able to let Kaoru be alone? He'd gone to take a shower when they got home and it was apparent that such a thing had taken place but how did Kaoru go from a shower to sitting on the edge of the tub with a razor in his hand and cuts on his arm? It didn't make any sense to him, why anyone would do such a thing, but he understood that it meant his brother had been more upset than he'd known and that he needed to do something about it, he just didn't know why it had happened and that's where they needed to start so he took Kaoru into the other room and sat him on the bed, moving to kneel on the floor in front of him, reaching up to stroke the boy's cheek but he just stiffened, causing Hikaru to pull his hand back and lower them both to his lap, trying to keep his composure and his voice steady when he asked why Kaoru had done what he did.

Silence had fallen around them once more, broken only by Kaoru's sobs as he cried all his guilt and sorrows, feeling worse and worse by the second for the pathetic display he was, curled up in a ball before his brother, his twin, his entire world, that was always so much stronger than him, so much more steady and able to cope. They were twins, weren't they? Why couldn't the world be right just this one time and have their emotions but in sync so that he could be that same pillar of strength that Hikaru always was no matter the situation? Bold and ready to take on the world no matter what it was they were facing.

Crying harder and harder yet, it was a surprise when he felt arms wrap around his body as he realized Hikaru had moved closer to him, wanting to hold him just as he always did when Kaoru couldn't hold himself together anymore and just like always, the crumpled Hitachi would slide easily down into his brothers lap as they cried together, rocking back and forth there on their bedroom floor and no one would come, if they did, they wouldn't care and that's what was hurting Kaoru the most. Before, they'd never needed the world, had ignored it entirely but that damned Haruhi had opened them up to it and they didn't like what they saw.

"Did it make you feel better?" still sitting there on the floor, their tears had drained away and they were sitting quietly, Kaoru in Hikaru's lap, resting his head on his brother's shoulder when the quiet whisper had been uttered to be met only by more silence as Kaoru deliberated on whether or not to tell his brother a truth that would only hurt him more or to tell a lie that would placate him just for a little while.

"To be honest, until you came in, it did. Like all the bad things about me and about life drained away in each drop of blood. It hurt.. But not much, just enough to distract me, pull my focus there and not think about the rest of it. Until you came in." there was no accusation in Kaoru's tone but Hikaru still felt guilty for stealing such a feeling away from his brother who was in so much obvious distress that it hurt him just to see. Had he just blinded himself to all of it? He could read his brother like a book and vice versa so did he just not want to see that truth? Was this his fault because he could have done something to stop it? Should he even feel bad for interrupting something like that? Doesn't everyone deserve their escape from the nasty things in life?

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. Maybe I shouldn't have just come in but it's never been a problem with us before. I.. I don't want you to do this, Kaoru, just tell me what to do.. I'll do anything to make you happy again, this is all my fault.. Let me fix it." It was his fault, he knew that, Kaoru had always been more sensitive to things than he had ever been and it wasn't that his brother was weak, it was just that they didn't handle things the same way and that was okay but it was his job to protect Kaoru and he'd failed.

"How would you protect me from the entire world? This isn't your fault, Hikaru. I'm just so stupid. Always making trouble for you. Maybe father is right.. He threatened to separate us again, you heard that, didn't you? You were right there, you must have. Maybe it would be better that way, you could actually live and be happy, be free of me, I'm nothing more than a shadow, a weight and a darkness that holds you back" puffing out a small chuckle in bitter amusement, he shook his head having leaned forward and away from his brother's chest as he'd been talking to hang his head again, eyes going back down to his fingers that once more fiddled in his lap.

There was no immediate answer just silence and a stunned look on Hikaru's face. Was he surprised his brother would let him go so easily? Was it all he'd ever wanted? Was he disgusted by how pathetic his twin was sitting there naked with a tear streaked face in his lap? Probably, Kaoru couldn't comprehend it being anything else, didn't understand it at all when Hikaru's arms came to wrap around him and pull him close again, an almost silent "never" being whispered into his hair as he felt wet tears start falling into his hair and this time it was Hikaru's turn to sob, his whole body shaking with each cry that ripped itself from his chest that had just been splayed wide open by the words his brother had uttered. To live without his brother? His beloved? To hear that Kaoru thought himself such a burden? It tore Hikaru apart inside and all he could do was hold his brother close and hold him there tightly as if he would disappear like smoke in the air should the grasp be loosened even in the slightest and he couldn't risk that, couldn't even process such a thought, a life without his Kaoru.. What kind of life would that be? It wouldn't.. he would cease to exist..

Clinging just as tightly as he was being clung to, Kaoru needed nothing more than the exact reaction he'd gotten from Hikaru which he hadn't purposely evoked but that didn't mean that it didn't feel good, to be held like that, to know his brother's love was unswerving, that through even the worst of times he would never be dumped on the curbside and left to rot, it made him feel kind of foolish, like the sun had never stopped shining, he'd just closed his eyes to it and perhaps that was the case as Hikaru was and always would be his sunshine. Releasing his hold with one arm, Kaoru brought his fingers up to gently stroke through his brother's hair, trying to calm him as he began to softly sing the very song that he and Hikaru had always sung since they were young boys and times of distress had come upon them.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.." reaching down to tilt Hikaru's head up, he wiped away at the tears that still stained his brother's cheeks and gave him a small smile in hopes of getting one in return. "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.." still cupping his brother's face, his smile grew as a small one appeared on Hikaru's face as well. It was funny, how they always turned around the bad moments and made them better, and he hoped that it was something they would always be able to do for each other and in turn, honestly, for themselves as well.

Closing his eyes as Kaoru leaned in to kiss him, Hikaru smiled a little lit wider as he kissed his brother in return, leaning into it as his hand came up to cup the back of Kaoru's head and pull him closer, not wanting he boy to break their lip lock too soon, holding him there until that strong, distinct intensity began to show itself between them, quick as it always was, making Hikaru have to pull away from before they got in too deep. "Promise me you won't do it again. Please? Please, I don't think I could handle seeing something like that again. We'll figure it out, okay? Together, I promise"

Pressing a hand to Kaoru's chest to keep him at bay from capturing his lips in another kiss, Hikaru's expression was entirely serious and Kaoru knew not to answer lightly. "I promise that I will do my best, we will do this, just like we have always done everything else. The world cannot stop us, we won't let it hold us down" smiling down at his brother, he was entirely serious and Hikaru could see that so for the moment he let the conversation drop, picking up his brother to help turn him so that the boy was straddling his lap as they brought their mouths back together, needing each other, needing that affirmation of their love and affection, needing and craving that connection, that blanking of the mind that blasted away everything except for the other and all the pleasure they were feeling in that moment until they'd exhausted themselves, burnt away everything else that existed with the raging inferno that was their passionate, lust ridden love.

Quick to act, it wasn't long that Hikaru's clothing lasted before he was rendered stark naked just as his brother was, teeth finding flesh as their bodies moved against one another, Hikaru's hands grasping tightly around Kaoru's hips as he pulled the boy down against him, his own hips being pushed up to meet the boy sitting astride his lap, a young prince preparing to ride his stallion, some lame joke they'd made up some time ago but there was no room for jokes between them just then as Hikaru whimpered to his brother to do it already, the lube stashed between the mattress and box spring that they were already leaned against. Kaoru had taken it a couple times without prep first, it hurts but he liked it in his own way, told his brother that it felt like more that way and that he wanted to feel the whole of his brother inside of him, something that Hikaru hadn't yet made precise heads or tails of nor inquired after as things said during sex didn't always make sense and he'd accepted that.

Never one to tease when their need was so great, Kaoru reached for the lube and was quick to spread it over his brother's cock before reaching behind him to spread some over his entrance as well wanting to make things at least a tiny bit easier as he lifted himself up and moved forwards again, reaching down between his legs to take hold of Hikaru's cock and align it with his entrance before he sunk down onto it, head thrown back as a silent scream issued forth and he tried to control his breathing in attempt to keep his body as relaxed as possible but he was seeing stars and had to release the cock that was now in his anus so that he could take both Hikaru's shoulders into his hands as he leaned forwards to bury his face in the boy's neck and thrust himself the rest of the way down, his eyes squeezed so tightly shut that they hurt but he knew this was the hard part and from there it would only get better.

Whining loudly, both boys clung to each other as they paused there for a moment, quiet whispers being murmured into Kaoru's ear full of affection and encouragement, telling him to relax and to move, a calm that was not at all matched by Hikaru's true thoughts that were encouraging him to flip his brother onto his back and fuck him like the animal he sometimes felt like but that wasn't what this was about and instead of a fast, crazy fuck, he gave gentility, slowly and softly caressing his brother's blushing skin, trailing his fingertips down the boy's back.

Shifting his hands to take both of Kaoru's hips and grip them, he helped to lift his brother up as the boy raised himself on shaky legs, holding himself up for a minute before lowering himself back down again, a quiet whimper escaping Kaoru at the sensation and the small stabs of pain that went racing through him but he relaxed and focused his mind on Hikaru, turning his head to be able to press his lips to Hikaru's neck, kissing his way across to the other side where he bit down at the same moment he tightly squeezed himself around the shaft inside him, a loud groan from Hikaru making him smile in triumph as he titled his head to whisper in his brothers ear, encouraging him to turn them and lie back, that was the way Kaoru liked to ride him best.

Request quickly granted, Hikaru wasted no time in turning them to the side so that he could lie back, both his hands still around Kaoru's hips as he bucked his own, pulling his brother down against him with that grip to be able to grind himself deeper inside, groaning quietly as he told Kaoru to move, to fuck him, whining in the back of his throat his pleas of desperation in his need not just for the sex but for his brother, for his body and the way it felt against his own, perfectly identical and yet somehow a million times more perfectly beautiful and forever more irresistible than his own.

Taking Hikaru's shoulders into his hands again, Kaoru began to move himself, lip caught between his teeth as his eyes fell shut, his head tilting back as he began to pick up his pace, raising himself up to drop back down in a perfect tempo, pausing every couple of thrusts to really grind down against Hikaru who looked lost to the pleasure that was washing over him and no other time could Kaoru think of where his brother looked any more beautiful than in moments like this where he wasn't thinking of anything but just the two of them and would have the most pleased look on his face, his closed eyelids opening to unveil the blazing hunger that was hidden within. Kaoru would fuck his brother to oblivion just to forever see that look on his face.

In a weak attempt to bring Kaoru closer to him, Hikaru wrapped his arms around the boy's neck and gently tugged, heavily lidded eyes looking up to the matching pair looking down at him as he whimpered his request, dropping his a hands back down to rake his nails over his own arched body as he lifted himself to thrust up into Kaoru every time the boy dropped himself down. Losing his patience, Hikaru decided to be more direct, knocking away Kaoru's arms to bring him crashing down against his brother's chest, who's arms were quick to snake around his body and hold him close as Hikaru then set his heels and began to piston up into the boy who'd gone rigid in shock, a scream in the back of his throat as his eyes rolled back and he struggled to regain his breath, cursing loudly and ordering Hikaru to turn them over, he wanted to be drilled just like that, his own arms coming up to wrap around his brother's body as well as they rolled over and Hikaru continued the trusts, a slow, strong ramming of his cock deep into Kaoru's body that quickly turned back into that same piston in motion that had made him see stars.

Letting out a loud cry, Hikaru could feel blood beginning to trickle down his back, Kaoru's nails having dug in deep as his body arched up into the one weighing down against him, his vision swimming into blackness as he was fucked right into heaven and he shot of his load in a few heavy spurts of cum between their bodies, his own cavity he knew was being filled by the same from his brother who soon collapsed against him in a heap, breathing ragged as they rested for a moment before Hikaru sat up to press a kiss over Kaoru's still racing heart followed by another to the hollow of his throat and then his lips, small tender kisses that were followed with a kiss being pressed to Kaoru's bandaged wrist next.

"No more of this, Kaoru. I don't know what I would do if.. Please, promise me.." He didn't want any more crying nor tears and yet the bastard things still came to fill his eyes as he looked down to Kaoru with a pleading expression, a hand being raised to cup his sweat damp face as Kaoru reached up to stroke his thumb across his brother's cheek and then pull him down close again, not taking a second to pause before quietly whispering a breathy "I promise" against Hikaru's lips and sealing that promise with a kiss.