"This is a bad idea." The blue deployer gathered up the half-dozen cans of silly string. He looked over at his twin, who shook a container of spray paint with an evil grin on his faceplate.

Frenzy pushed the button on top of the can, releasing a small jet of green paint. He sat next to the other mech and pulled the rest of the spray paint close to him. "Shut up, Rumble."

"She really will kill us this time." Rumble sensed a flash of anxiety from Frenzy's side of the link at his blunt statement. But self-assurance quickly dominated the fear. "You know she's not stable."

"The score is 18 : 21, in favor of Shiloh," Frenzy pointed out as they rose to their pedes and left their quarters. "We're the masters of pranks, not some human."

"Mm," Rumble grunted. Liquid swishing rang in his audio receptors, and he deliberately sent a wave of caution over the link. Frenzy replied with the memory of his frustration when the scores were tallied after the last prank war.

And so it went, back and forth - Rumble persistently trying to dissuade Frenzy's decided course of action; Frenzy arguing that Rumble didn't have to help.

Vehicons glanced down at them nervously when the supplies caught their optics. Still, the twin deployers kept walking. Once they arrived at their destination, Frenzy tapped in the security code for the door. Why Shiloh even bothered to have a lock on her door was beyond him. Soundwave would always know the code, no matter how many times she changed it. And what Soundwave knew, his deployers knew, to a certain extent.

As always, there were paint cans - liquid and spray paint - stacked in the far corner of the room, and the mirror near the door had what appeared to be either a jacket or a shirt covering it. Other than the odd foam target - most in pieces, all with gouges and nicks - strewn across the floor, the human's room was relatively clean.

Frenzy shook a can of spray paint and looked for the right spot. He checked to make sure the human hadn't woken up yet. The bed was empty. Now where could Shiloh possibly be this early in the morning? Oh well, as long as she wasn't around while they were pulling the prank. Sudden eagerness sparked off of Rumble's side of the link. A grin twisted the blueish-purple deployer's features, akin to the one that Frenzy hadn't managed to stop giving since the conception of this prank.

Rumble dropped all the cans of silly string except for one, tore the lid off, and sprayed the sticky substance across the room. Half-sparked giggles turned into manaical laughter. Not even two minutes had passed before all six cans of silly string were emptied. The multicolored strands hung off everything affording a grip: the ceiling, the dresser, the bed, the mirror, and so on and so forth.

Satisfied that his twin was at last back to normal, Frenzy wrote on the wall in bright green spray paint, Point: Twins! Then he used up the rest of the spray paint in applying graffiti to the entire room in Cybertronian glyphs.

It didn't occur to him that Shiloh couldn't read Cybertronian; in Frenzy's processor this was the perfect prank. Rumble, though still maintaining earlier reservations, agreed absolutely.

The familiar sound of the door opening threw Frenzy and Rumble back into reality. A choked, horrified gasp echoed, followed by a loud thudding and clattering. The twins spun around to find Shiloh standing in the doorway, arms held out in front of her, as she had been carrying a box of supplies that now rested, its contents spilled out, on the floor. She stood frozen, brown eyes huge, for the longest time. "My room!" she eventually shouted. "What did you guys do to my room?!"

"Improved it, I'd say," Frenzy replied before he could stop himself. Rumble unconsciously transmitted intense fear before the both of them bolted from the scene of the crime.

By the time Shrike found the three of them, they were fighting halfway between the Bridge and the medical bay. Shiloh was bruised slightly; the twins' exteriors were scuffed. The grounder Vehicon sighed, and picked up Rumble by the pede. Shiloh was pulled up with him, seeing as the blueish-purple mech was holding onto her leg at the knee. Given Shiloh had him by the neck in a modified headlock, Frenzy, too, was lifted off the ground. None of them paid attention to Shrike as he walked with them dangling fifteen feet above the deck to the Bridge.

Oblivious to the fact that if Rumble let go, both she and Frenzy would fall, Shiloh kicked at the small 'con holding her leg. Also ignorant of the impending danger should anything happen, Frenzy morphed a servo into a blaster and pointed it at the human's head. Only Rumble was even cognizant of their situation. And he too was struggling.

Shrike finally arrived in the bridge, as had been instructed, with the likely culprits.

Soundwave and Knock Out exchanged a glance at the spectacle their respective 'charges' presented. The crimson medic asked slowly, "He wouldn't actually shoot her, would he?"

Soundwave played back a recording of Knock Out's own voice: "How am I supposed to know?"

Megatron cleared his throat, causing all gazes to snap in his direction. He gestured to the main screen, where an image and several messages were displayed. "Care to explain?" he demanded.

Shiloh stopped kicking Rumble. "Okay, whatever just happened, I didn't do it." There were also items stacked on the console itself - several cubes of what appeared to be high-grade and some other things she didn't recognize. Her vision started to spin from being upside down so long. "Um... what just happened?"

"Apparently today is 'Valentine's Day'," growled Megatron.

"Valentines Day already? Then those messages... Oh. I think I'm gonna be sick."

Nearby Vehicons took a step back.

"It's her orientation," Knock Out swiftly explained. "Humans don't function at optimal capacity when upside down for extended periods of time."

Rumble smirked. "I can fix that." Frenzy's optics widened.

"No- no, don't! Rumble, no!" Before he could finish, he and the human hit the floor, limbs tangled together. Both of them groaned in pain. They attempted to disentangle themselves, but Frenzy's armor kept snagging on Shiloh's clothes, tearing the fabric.

A low, annoyed rumble emanated from Megatron's vocorder. He stooped down, grabbed the human, and brought her to optic level. She visibly shrunk away, offering a pathetic whimper. The Bridge's atmosphere changed in a fraction of a second. Starscream knit his digits, optics gleaming. Knock Out shifted his weight and leaned forward, only for Breakdown to bar the way.

"You were saying?" Megatron swung his arm around so that Shiloh could read the displayed messages. Almost a minute later, the human made a sound that was not quite a laugh and not quite a squeak of terror.

The image was one of Megatron and Prime fighting, photoshopped in such a manner that it looked like the two enemies were having a great old time. The corresponding letter was somewhere along the lines of,

Dear Megatron,

Have a wonderful day, Valentine. I look forward to our next meeting. Enjoy the gifts I sent you.

Love, Optimus Prime.

Only it was much, much more detailed.

"Lord Megatron, on my life, I swear to you I had nothing to do with it - any of it!" Shiloh exclaimed, waving her arms around emphatically. Blood pounded in her ears when Megatron ordered her to keep reading.

One from Arcee and Jack to Airachnid; one from Bumblebee to Knock Out; one from Bulkhead and Miko to Breakdown; one from Smokescreen to Starscream; one from Ratchet to Dreadwing; and one from Raf to Soundwave for some odd reason.

In addition, the items on the console Shiloh hadn't recognized - they were Valentines letters and cards from various fans.

Some energon candy for you, Megzy. Enjoy your Valentine's Day!

- inkdragon13

Megatron nearly glitched at the use of that infernal nickname, but he had to admit the pink energon crystals also on the console looked delicious.

To Megatron:

Knock Out is red,

Breakdown is blue,

But neither one of them

Is as smashing as you.

- Taboo22

Shiloh snickered, grudgingly conceding that the twist on the traditional 'Roses are red' was inspired given the circumstances. Knock Out and Breakdown directed glares in her direction at her amusement.

I don't know any words to write for you, Starscream. But perhaps a simple Happy Valentine's Day would suffice?

- Naughtia

The giggles came on harder. Now this was cute. And excellent blackmail. Starscream read over her shoulder and cycled his vents. He would need a long flight to clear his processor once this was over with.

To Starscream:

You make my heart race at lightspeed.

- Berlin

More giggles overcame Shiloh, to the point Megatron dropped her on the console so she could keep reading the Valentines.

Happy V-day, Soundwave and Knock Out.

- DarkRose66

Shiloh scowled. Knock Out was her guardian. Why should someone else get to send him a Valentine? It wasn't fair. She hid the little card under the rest of the Valentines.

Happy Valentine's Day, Soundwave and Airachnid.

- tankbuster626

Okay, Soundwave, Shiloh understood. As creepy as he could be, he was cool. But Airachnid? The human shook her head and sighed. "I'll give this to Airachnid later," she said absently.

Breakdown leaned over to his partner. "Hey, KO..."

Knock Out pulled a datapad from subspace and scrawled a note on it. "Already on it."

"So how many times this month has she been in the med-bay?" Breakdown rubbed the side of his neck, torn between his strange infatuation with Airachnid and his knowledge of Knock Out's posessiveness over Shiloh.

"Counting about half an hour from now? One hundred thirty-two."

You'd make a much better Slenderman than the original, Soundwave. A happy Valentine's Day to you.

- Aurrawings

"Hear, hear," muttered Shiloh as she read the letter. Sometimes Soundwave could be extremely creepy. He had Slenderman beat by a hundred miles.

Curiously, the next card was from the same fan. When Shiloh opened it, the song 'Sexy Back' started to play.

Knock Out grinned and hummed along to the music, causing multiple groans from across the Bridge.

"That song is banned," Breakdown growled. "We both banned it, Shiloh. Why are you playing that infernal song?"

"I'm not playing it; the card is!"

To Knock Out and Breakdown:

Still love the Autobots, but I'll make an exception for you two.

- Aurrawings

How anyone could ever be an Autobot fan was beyond Shiloh. But at least this fan had seen sense. Shiloh closed the card, and luckily the music stopped playing. Knock Out grumbled angrily, and Breakdown vented a sigh of relief.

The human moved on to the next note.

To Soundwave, Knock Out, Breakdown, and Starscream:

My love to all four of you. Enjoy your day.

- Maddi Creed

A soft smile broke on the human's lips. I wish things were that simple, she thought enviously. She loved Knock Out and Breakdown as much as any member of her family. They weren't 'ohana, but they certainly were calabash. Pity they wouldn't understand even if she worked up the courage to tell them so.

Breakdown and Knock Out: broke down my defenses with the epic; knocked me out with the swag.

- DuskMoon15

Such an obvious play on words. Shiloh was about to hide the card as she had the previous, but Knock Out plucked it from her grasp. He scanned it, smirked at the pun, then handed it off to Breakdown, who didn't seem to know what the Pit to do with it, let alone how to react.

The next one was a note, and a rather interesting one at that. "'Ey, Shiv!" Curiously moving to accept the note, the Vehicon read the text.

Out of all the Vehicons, you're the only one I can't stand, Shiv. But you know that by now, don't you? I would like nothing more than to drop your sorry grounder chassis off the bow and watch you hit the ground. However, since it's Valentine's Day, I guess I'm supposed to be nice or something, hence the letter. That being said, I've sent this as a peace offering. You do something to be less annoying, and I'll try to tolerate you.

We have a deal?

- PixelusPrime

P.S: Shiloh, I know you're going to read this at some point. If you ever so much as hint that I feel anything besides animosity for Shiv, so help me I will sic a sick SIC on you.

"So this whole Valentine's Day thing is just a day for humans to express their feelings for each other?" Bulkhead watched as his charge carefully shaded the drawing on the pink-hued paper.

"Uh-huh," Miko replied, too focused on the drawing to give a more complete answer.

"Is that why you've addressed this card to Jack?"

Miko froze in the middle of shading the drawing. The lead of her pencil broke. She looked up at the green Autobot, her face suddenly the same color as the paper. "Bulkhead!" The Wrecker backed off a pace, servos held up. Miko crossed her arms on top of the table and laid her head on them. "You don't always have to like someone that way to send them a Valentine. Me and Jack are just friends. He's nakama like the rest of Team Prime - nothing else."

Nakama was the Japanese word for family, Bulkhead's internal database supplied immediately. His spark thrummed in satisfaction at the association. There had been a time when he'd been afraid that none of the humans would ever get close to the Autobots because of how intimidating they could be at first, and Miko had proved him wrong time and time again. "Of course, Miko."

Bulkhead's commlink rang out of the blue. "The frag?" he muttered, listening to the voice coming through that absolutely did not belong to any of his comrades.

"You're like the older brother I wish mine was sometimes," concluded the voice softly. "Anonymous BW FG, over and out."

Jack clicked the garage door opener he didn't know how many times before tossing it into the wall and closing the garage manually. Something in his backpack rattled that he was sure hadn't been making noise earlier. He signaled to Arcee the coast was clear and rummaged in his bag for the item in question.

"Hey, Jack," said Arcee once she finished assuming her bipedal form. "You leave this in my quarters at base?" She produced a red, heart-shaped card from subspace, holding it out to him.

"I don't remember even going into your quarters," Jack objected. He felt the backpack slip out of his grasp as it hit him exactly what the card was. "Why would I- But I didn't- Who... Who would do that?"

"I take it you weren't involved in me finding this, then?" Arcee put the card back into subspace. As she watched her charge pick up his backpack and search through it, she felt something else in her subspace. She reached into the pocket dimension and pulled out another card, this one reading,

Happy Valentine's Day, Arcee.

- tankbuster626.

Arcee looked curiously at it, unsure whether to concentrate on the fact that some human besides the kids knew about her, or the fact they could apparently access her subspace.

Jack eventually pulled out a red box in the shape of a heart with gold ribbon holding it closed. It's tag read, From: Arcee.

Human and Autobot exchanged embarrassed looks. The blue femme took out the card and looked at the signature. Love, Jack. She jumped slightly, dropping the card on the garage floor with the motion. Jack stared at the box before tossing it on top of the card, shaking his hand afterwards as if denying having touched it.

They exchanged another look. Jack nodded. Arcee shifted a servo into a blaster and shot the card and box. In a puff of black smoke smelling of burnt chocolate, they vaporized.

"We will not speak of this, ever."

"Agreed."

Bumblebee whirred a question as he left the base with Raf.

"No, it's okay," the almost-teenager assured him as he continued to play with the toy car. "They probably won't even notice I'm gone."

A series of varying chirps and beeps came in answer.

"Pilar doesn't really have time to pay attention to what I do after school anymore, not with this being her junior year and all," Raf countered. He looked out the window over the mostly barren desert landscape. "You know how Miko and Bulkhead go dune bashing sometimes?" When Bumblebee replied an affirmative, Raf continued, "Maybe you and I should try something like that."

Bumblebee's engine rumbled as he mulled this over. He replied with a complicated string of whistle-like beeps.

Raf smiled. "Why not?

Bumblebee shifted gears and tore off the pavement, into the desert itself. Red sand flew as his tires fought for the traction they needed to keep him moving forward. The young Autobot revved his engine frustrated when he realized that they weren't getting anywhere. He pushed his engine to deliver the horsepower he knew would get them moving.

And then they were nearly a mile away before it even occurred to Raf to start shouting happily and cheer his guardian on.

By the time Bumblebee decided to actually take Raf back to Jasper, they were miles out in the desert. But luckily, the Autobot was equipped with a system not unlike a GPS, but one with so many more uses. He whirred happily.

"I had fun," Raf agreed. His eyelids drooped somewhat and his posture indicated need for rest as well. "You're the best, 'Bee."

Bumblebee searched radio frequencies until he found the appropriate response. He knew he didn't need to, but it felt right in the moment.

"You too, kid."

"Ratchet, do you know of Smokescreen's current location?" Optimus queried while he was entering the main hub of the Autobot Base.

"Resting," said the red and white medic in response. He did not look up from his work of repairing the monitors. "Why do you ask? Is something wrong?"

"Only that he has not yet informed me of the events of his patrol this evening." One of the monitors flickered to life, displaying several messages. Optimus examined the letters, an eyebrow raised. "I believe you may want to see this."

Ratchet withdrew himself from the innards of the CPU, banging his helm on the lip of the access port as he did so. "What is so- Ah, I see."

Couldn't come up with something as epic as you to say, Ratchet. I hope the giant metal rose in your lab will make up for it. Happy Valentine's Day my dear medic!

And Optimus, there should be a red stuffed bear somewhere where you can find it.

- inkdragon13

The two mechs exchanged glances and went to look for these items indicated in the message. Ratchet returned with a metal rose in his servo; Optimus, holding a red teddy bear. Both of them bore the same expression of shock and confusion.

Another message read,

To Ratchet:

Happy Valentine's Day, you hunky, sexy bot! I want your sparklings! Looove you!

- warperchick

Ratchet's optic twitched, and he felt his gears start to freeze.

Optimus soon found himself the only fully functioning Autobot in the room. He looked at the teddy bear, then at his friend and the metal rose.

Earthen customs and holidays were generally no source of processor-ache for the Prime, but he now knew one thing: he was not fond of this 'Valentine's Day'.

If Shiloh was running, it usually meant one of two things: either she'd pulled a prank and the victim was not happy, or something was seriously wrong.

Well, there was no one chasing her, and nothing seemed to be out of order.

Several Vehicons asked what was wrong for the human only to grip whatever was in her hand tighter and speed up. Once she'd made it past Rumble and Frenzy, who were still trying to even the score, she ran through the doors of the medical bay as they were in the process of opening.

"Did you put this in my room?" she demanded of Knock Out, holding up the item so he could see.

"No." The red medic glanced at the item and set back at repairing Soundwave's visor, which had been cracked in an earlier battle and patched with bad sealant. "I have been wondering, though, why did you leave Energon Goodies in my quarters?"

Shiloh made a confused face. "Wasn't in your quarters all week. And I don't know what an Energon Goodie even is, so it wasn't me. Someone must be messing with us. This gift - if that's what it is - is junk."

"Don't see why you're complaining." Knock Out turned to face his human charge. "I think it rather lovely - perfect for you. I wish I had thought of it."

Shiloh's face turned a violent shade of red, her eyes widening. "Aznuts, Knock Out! Try think!" She tapped the side of her head quickly to further get her point across. "It's not the fact it is a gift; it's what it is and the fact the note said it was from you." Knock Out merely brushed off the comment. Shiloh threw her hands in the air, still holding the item, and stomped out.

"Femmes," Knock Out muttered as he turned back to his patient. "Always so dramatic." But Shiloh wasn't usually that dramatic, save for the first few days after what happened on New Years. And she almost never used Pigdin slang so blatantly in reference to him.

Perhaps being dropped twice today, once almost literally on her head, had had an effect on her mood.

Knock Out nodded to himself. Yes, that had to be it. There was no other explanation.

After all, why else would one little rose bother her so much?

Translations for the Hawaiian - okay, it's not technically Hawaiian; it's Pigdin, which is sort of a blend of Hawaiian and English - words/slang used in the oneshot:

'Ohana - family (pretty sure most people know this one already).

Calabash - someone who is very close, but not blood-related.

'Ey - "Hey!" (an attention-getting call).

Junk - not good, rotten, lousy.

Aznuts - "That's crazy!" - or - "Ridiculous!" - or - "You're out of your mind!" (the definition used here is "You're out of your mind!").

Try think - exactly what it says except not as nice as it sounds; has negative connotations.

AN: Both Prime: the Beast Saga and Puppet Master are probably not going to undergo any updates until the summer; it's only because I can't think of anything for Puppet Master and writing on Beast Saga doesn't feel right. I will go back to them before summer if this changes.

For now I will be focusing mainly on Rules to Keep You Alive.