Rating:I'll say PG-13 to start, but may be subject to go up if I feel like writing fake smut later.
Feedback will be received with much happiness. Doesn't making someone else happy just make your day?
Author's Note: And now (inspired by the comic talents of Ivory Tower and Clam Chowder), a parody type thing of Marauder fics, featuring BookishVoiceofLogic!Remus, LeatherSexGod!Sirius, NoPersonality!James, and NotVeryEvil!Peter. Be assured that the fact that nearly every adult character from the books is the same age as James and co. (no matter how little sense it makes) is intentional, as are other major timeline blunders. I'm not sure I like the style I'm writing this in, so let me know what you think. Any author's notes inserted into the text itself (and in bold) are part of the humour and my "stupid author" persona and don't reflect my actual opinions.
CHAPTER I: Time Flies When You're Stereotypical
The chatter of the beginning of the year feast in the Great Hall was suddenly silenced as Dumbledore stood up to speak. "I have an announcement to make, everyone...starting tomorrow, Hogwarts will be offering vegetarian options on our menu for those of you who do not eat meat for personal or health reasons. I would ask those of you to whom this applies to register with your Head of House so that a list can be sent to the kitchens and everyone will receive the correct food." There was some scattered, confused applause, with the exception of Sybill Trelawney, who cheered loudly from the Ravenclaw table. Dumbledore started to sit down again, but then obviously remembered something else. "Oh, and we're sponsoring the Triwizard Tournament this year as well. The contestants will be chosen on Halloween."
With this, there followed a great deal of confusion (more than one voice was heard asking "Triwizard What?") and excitement from those students who didn't need this explained, since they had obviously already read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Among these brilliant students were the suspiciously large number of seventh-years at the Gryffindor table. "Wow," began James Potter, his eyes rapidly changing colours from blue to grey to brown because they conveniently aren't mentioned in the canon, "the Triwizard Tournament! There wasn't supposed to be one for another twenty years, but let's not question it, shall we?"
"Yes, who needs logic when you've got leather pants---I mean, er, the Triwizard Tournament?" Sirius Black said, light glinting off his hair and making people squint. "D'you think one of the tasks is riding a flying motorbike?"
"You have a flying motorbike?" Asked Arthur Weasley, who popped up from under the table holding a dented toaster and a socket wrench. "Could I see it sometime?"
"Sure," said Sirius, raising his eyebrows suggestively and ignoring the glare he was getting from Arthur's girlfriend, Molly [insert generic unmarried name here].
"It's very unlikely that the tasks will involve illegally enchanted Muggle artifacts, since this Tournament is run by the Ministry," said Remus, who had somehow already found a book called Triwizard Tournaments: Triumph or Tragedy?
"Gee whiz, Sirius, I hope you or James win! You're my heroes," said Peter Pettigrew, who was already currently shining Sirius's studded biker boots and wondering if he could make any money by selling enchanted badges before the Champions for the tournament were actually chosen. But either James or Sirius would certainly be the Hogwarts Champion, that's just how things worked.
Suddenly, before anyone knew it, the two months until Halloween were up. The past two months had been uneventful, made up of lots of too-boring-to-write scenes where Remus studies a lot because he's the smart one, and occasionally gets melancholy because he's a werewolf, James and Sirius play Quidditch and oh-so-witty pranks, and Peter...uh...spills things in potions to demonstrate his obvious clumsiness and inadequacy in general. At some point earlier in the day, the delegations from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang had probably arrived, but who wants to describe that?
Even though no one had ever worn costumes to the Halloween feast before, the Marauders decided to do it. Remus was dressed up as Ishmael from Moby Dick (A/N: but don't worry, as unsexy as reading and/or whaling is, he was wearing REALLY TIGHT PANTS! SQUEE!), and Sirius, who was dressed as a biker and had NO SHIRT on under his leather jacket, was leering at him about the size of his harpoon. His pants were really tight, too. And leather. Remus was blushing and looking scandalized.
Lily was dressed as a Very Sexy Witch, with fishnet stockings, pointy hat, and a little shredded up dress. She'd made James go as her cat, so he was wearing all black (his black pants were, of course, really tight), and had whiskers painted on his cheeks, but they were rather squinched up, as he was glaring fiercely. Lily kept calling him "Fluffikins" and scratching behind the perky black ears that were nestled into his wild hair. Not only had he really wanted to be a pirate for Halloween, Lily had insisted on carrying around his new Nimbus 2000 as part of her costume.
Someone had convinced Peter to wear a fluffy, pink bunny suit.
When the Marauders arrived in the Great Hall (which was probably decorated in some kind of Halloween fashion), everyone was in awe of their inventive and sexy (well, except for Peter) costumes and offered various compliments and sexual favours (most of these to Sirius), except the Slytherins, who were secretly just jealous, of course. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy laughed and threw veggie burgers at the Gryffindor table. They were just mad about having their hair dyed pink for the fortieth time last week. Lucius's hair was still slightly more strawberry-blond than usual.
After some of the usual idle feast dialogue, mostly sexual innuendos and comments about how "greasy" Snape was from Sirius, someone finally remembered that people from other schools were here, and so there was some idle speculation about that as well. Dumbledore stood up again, and everyone was silent, waiting anxiously to see whether James or Sirius would be the school champion. "Happy Halloween, everyone, and welcome to our visitors from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. As you all know, tonight is when the Champions will be chosen for the upcoming Triwizard Tournament. The Champions will be chosen by an impartial judge---the Teakettle of Magical Steam!" With this, a contingent of house elves rolled out the kettle (which was one of those nifty teakettles in the shape of a cow) on a cart.
"Teakettle? I thought it was supposed to be some kind of goblet," said James.
"No, this is to make this story seem less of a ripoff of the other one," Remus explained.
"Oh," James said, adjusting his cat ears.
The teakettle began to hiss and spat a cloud of steam and a piece of paper at Dumbledore. "The Champion for Durmstrang will be....Vladimir Krum!" A tall, dark-haired boy stood up and walked to the front of the room. The teakettle spat again. "The Champion of Beauxbatons will be...Miss Marie Delacour!" A beautiful blonde girl walked up to the front, and the entire male population of Hogwarts began to drool.
"I think she's a veela!" said Remus, who was flipping through A Guidebook to Sexy Magical Creatures. (A/N: Yes, it's Viktor Krum's dad and Fleur's mom!! Isn't that spiffy? SQUEEE!!)
The teakettle hissed again, and spat out four pieces of paper. Dumbledore looked confused. "The champion...s...for Hogwarts will be....James Potter, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, and Amos Diggory!"
(A/N: OMG, aren't you suprised?! Next time, we find out how Hogwarts got four champions and Snape will be really mean and maybe Sirius will wear more TIGHT PANTS! But only if you R/R!!!)
Real Author's Note: Have any Marauder stereotypes/blunders/whatever you'd like to see covered later in the story? Let me know, new ideas are always good!!