~There's a semi-prequel to this that you can read here: s/8942112/1/Burn-the-Memory. However, this can be read without it. Titles and blurbs are all lyrics from Florence and the Machine; I take no credit for them. ~

I can't seem to command it
And the words are all escaping,
And coming back all damaged,
And I would put them back in poetry,
If I only knew how,
I can't seem to understand it.

And I would give all this and heaven too,
I would give it all if only for a moment,
That I could just understand
The meaning of the word, you see,
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever,
But it never makes sense to me at all.

"No one cares that you're broken, Cas," Dean's green eyes hardened with contempt towards the angel. They both knew that was a lie; Dean's heart was actually in shambles over the mess Cas turned into to save Sam. The hunter drowned in despair at how unlike Cas his angel acted. They knew that Dean's hostility was a bluff, even after the false-god fiasco, there was nothing the angel could do that would make Dean really despise him, ever. But still, Castiel knew denying Dean's request to fight the Leviathans would upset the hunter. The feeling clouded the angel in shame and guilt, but he shouldn't feel this way; the whole reason why he was refusing to fight was for the sake of Dean. If he joined, he would just slow down the Winchesters; they'd have no chance of winning. He knew that; Meg knew it; the Leviathans know it; why wouldn't Dean see?

"I'm not 'broken,'" at least he wasn't when it came to his mental stability. After last year, no part of Cas had desired divinity; he just wanted to be there for the Winchesters when he was ready; to prove his loyalty… and be forgiven by Dean.

That was the worst end from playing god.

Not being a target of demons and angels; not having his vessel burning from the inside out; not even being crushed by the leviathans.

The worst part was making Dean think he wasn't the first thing on Castiel's mind; the reason for all of his actions. His entire existence on earth was for the sandy blonde hunter, and remembering the day he sent the souls back, Castiel knew that Dean knew that. Why weren't his feelings completely blended into Dean's mind?

It was obvious that- given the current predicament- that the reunion between Castiel and Dean wouldn't result in a moment of passion. But he'd expected some hint that Dean's emission of love that day wasn't just a fluke, and that everything the angel thought was shared between the two of them really was.

"The first thing you did after seeing me was tell me to pull your finger," there was a bittersweet sparkle in Dean's eyes, "you never joked before, and you wouldn't have done such a stupid one like 'pull my finger.' But that doesn't mean anything: we need you, Cas," there was a soft desperate I need you that transgressed from the hunter's thoughts to the angel, though neither would bring it up, "we have no one left to help us; in case you haven't realized, all of our other friends are dead."

"I'm not exactly the best help you can get. I'm honestly just-"

"Do you really think Sammy and I even have a chance of doing this job alone?" the green eyes looked like they would suddenly glass over in attempt to push back tears, "I mean every fucking fight we have, Cas, I fuck it up somehow. Something always goes wrong: Bobby gets crippled; we begin the apocalypse; Pamela dies; Jo dies, Ellen, Anna, Gabriel; they're all fucking dead; not to forget Sam going to hell; I fuck up the one shot I'll ever be able to get at having a normal white picket family; and the worst is having to repeatedly lose the being that I lo-"

Castiel's head tilts sideways the same way it so often does, praying- for the first time since looking for his father the previous year- that the incredulous hunter would just finish that sentence. It really couldn't be that hard: Castiel has heard plenty of people say 'love' out on the streets as though the words were just play things, Dean could so easily say them to Cas. Dean had released an exhausted- Castiel couldn't define whether it was from mental exhaustion or sleep deprivation- sigh and shifted his gaze to the ground, lifting his arm to rub the back of his neck.

"I'm bad luck Cas, okay?" Dean's voice was drenched with self-loathing (the amount of contempt the hunter held towards himself was the first thing to break Castiel's heart and would continue doing so each time Dean was drunk with guilt) "I'm not a fucking hero, and if I was I'm not the one the Earth deserves, but that damn well doesn't mean I won't try. Because if there's a chance that I can save people- no matter how unlikely it is I'll get through it- I'm going to fucking try. And I know you, and I know you feel the same way Cas. We've done so much and apart from Sam, you're the only person I completely trust to fight on my side. You may not agree with me, but I know you can do this. So, I'd rather have you, cursed or not."

Even though Castiel still didn't have fully developed people skills, he was able to read Dean's mood. The angel smiled to himself and, although it was small, he might as well have had an open-toothed grin on his face. Dean looked at the angel bewildered and had his head cocked in a manner identical to the way he so often saw his friend have.

"What?" although the blonde had tried to appear apathetic- coarse even- but a grin was subconsciously growing on his visage.

"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable," Castiel's voice was ringing with splendour, "but I detect a note of forgiveness."

"Oh my god, you are so full of shit, let's just go," Dean started walking to the Impala and-

"Dean," the hunter turned back and the angel was moving closer, feeling his vessel's heart rate increase in pace. Castiel knew he was entering what Dean called his 'personal space,' but it didn't seem to bother the taller. ""We might die tomorrow; in fact, there's a huge probability that-"

"Way to be optimistic, Cas."

"Let me finish," Castiel momentarily scanned Dean's face, as though committing the expression to memory, before reconnecting the ice blue with green, "we might die tomorrow, and this whole thing might be over, but you deserve to know how sorry I am for everything I've caused."

"Cas, you don't need to pre-"

"I'm not faking this, Dean," the raspy voice hardened, "I truly regret and wish I could take back all of this: the going behind your back, working with Crowley, breaking Sam's wall, opening Purgatory, everything. This whole situation's my fault, and I truly am… sorry. If I could do anything to make amends- anything for you to see me with half the light you used to… just know that if I die tomorrow, that I do not find a more honourable cause of death than to die aiding you."

"Don't talk like that," the words didn't have the same deepness that it normally had- starting to crack with each proceeding syllable, "you're- fuck- you're doing enough- so much more than enough- with everything. Fuck, you took Sam's insanity and lived it for him; you let yourself get tortured by Lucifer so that my baby brother would stop being hurt. You're already talking about tomorrow like you're done, and no one deserves your sacrifice Cas, especially not me."

"The inaccuracy of your statement is palpable."

"Why would you think that; what could possible possess you to think I'm worth your death? Again."

"You know exactly why, Dean. You have to. You must remember the day I returned the souls to Purgatory; you were able to read every sort of emotional and thought process my grace emitted. You know exactly the feelings I harbour for you," the silence had pressed an unbearable weight on the pair's shoulders, "I love you, Dean Winchester. I love how loyal you are to the people you care about; I love the way you would literally go to hell and back for your brother; I love how stubborn you are and how you never back down without cause; I love the way that you sacrifice yourself for the good of the public; I love the lines around your eyes that prove not everything in life was unjust to you. The emotions I have for you are stronger than any I've felt towards anyone- including my father. I went into hell to save you; I fell for you; I've died for you, and I would face an eternity of torture if it meant you had a chance of being safe. And never, ever, think you're anything less than the most righteous; purest; most beautiful creation my father ever made, because that's exactly what you are and-"

"Castiel," both men were momentarily shocked at the use of the angel's full name, "I just… I know, okay, and I, well… you know, and fuck I'm an asshole. Just… stay still while I try something, alright?" Castiel nodded in response and felt his grace growing lighter, similar to what people would refer to as 'butterflies.'

Dean squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment before stepping forward, leaving mere centimetres between the two. He'd reached his hands towards the angel, but quickly dropped them in anxiety. Castiel then realized exactly what was going to happened and sent calming thoughts to his- actually his- hunter. A deep breath was released before the blonde's head started moving closer again; Castiel was barely able to perceive the pastel green eyes, slowly being lidded by thick lashes. He'd thought Dean was simply closing his eyes, but then noticed the hunter was gazing at Castiel's lips, drinking in the image. The angel knew from seeing the act so many times that he was expected to close his eyes, but he didn't. He wouldn't; the angl had waited years for this and he would make sure he'd remember the sight of Dean's face approaching his own. The proceeding moments felt agonizingly longer than the rest of existence, and the moment Dean's lips melted into Castiel's the celestial released a gasp- unable to tell if it was of pleasure, relief, or shock at how warm the man's lips were.

Castiel had little personal experience in kissing, but each time he saw the act it reminded him of rabid animals fighting over a broken carcass; how the act would be so desirable, Castiel couldn't even start to fathom. But this was different. With Dean, kissing was completely different. Kissing Dean had left Castiel feeling both the most powerful he'd felt and the most vulnerable. Kissing Dean made Castiel feel like his full angel abilities were returning and he was losing his grace at the same time. He'd thought he was being born, dying, and reborn at the same time; no experience was more freeing to the dark haired angel than the moments passed doing this action. Their lips opened every few moments to breathe, but quickly re-kissed each other, each kiss feeling as raw and passionate as the previous. It felt as though both men wanted to meld into the other's spirit.

Regret clouded Castiel and Dean's minds as the pulled apart from each other. At some point, Dean grabbed Castiel's trench-coat and held the material in his hands as though it was a life line; Castiel as well seemed to change position without realisation; his own hands were tangled in Dean's hair.

Castiel officially noted that the best thing he would ever do was initiate the largest smile Dean Winchester ever had.

"I love you," the words were delivered by Dean's lips with ease as his eyes seemed to become an impossibly more vibrant green. A grateful laugh rang in the warehouse from the angel's chapped lips. Before that moment, Dean didn't know that angels could actually blush. Castiel removed his hands from Dean's hair- leaving the blonde locks (although they were actually too short to be locks) a dishevelled mess- and glided his hands along Dean's skull, stopping when his palms outlined the other's chiselled jaw.

"And I love you," the words sounded reborn between the two, as though they had invented the phrase for each other. The hunter had shut his eyes- probably to fight oncoming tears (which would never fucking happen anyway)- and pressed his forehead against Castiel's. Minutes had passed with the two simply listening to the other's breath in bliss until Castiel pulled back.

"So?" the celestial cocked his head to the side again. Blue eyes were sparkling in wonder as his thumbs tenderly caressed Dean's cheeks. The taller had released a sound that resembled a sigh of relief (or was it awe?) and pressed himself closer to his angel, having their chests touch, making it feel as though they both had two heartbeats.

"It's our last night on Earth," the words were softer than all previous times the Winchester had delivered it, "What are your plans?" seriously pondering about that, Cas couldn't come up with any desired situation. He already had Dean- the only thing he'd ever wanted- what else could he have? He'd lifted his chin barely an inch to reconnect their lips, this time with more force, more desire.

"Well," Castiel's voice was getting considerably huskier with each decibel, "I remember you once swearing you wouldn't let me die a virgin." The angel had remembered the night it actually happened perfectly; how frightened he was in the brothel with a soul he'd never really know- a fact that still brings horror to his mind. He knew he'd be able to lose his virtue to Dean, though. It was his Dean; the righteous man who had literally gone to the pits of hell to save human kind. There was no one he would rather give himself to, "I'm hoping that you are willing to keep that promise."

"Cas, are- are you sure?"

"Dean, there's nothing I'd rather do," the angel had a look of apprehension, "unless, unless you don't want-" his words were cut off by plush lips pressed against his own, lightly biting each moment one of them moved, leaving Castiel to moan slightly at the sensation.

"Of course I want to," Dean avowed, "I finally have you the way I've been dreaming about for five years; I'm not just letting you go." A beam shone on both men's faces before Castiel gripped Dean's hand in his own and led them to the Impala.

As they walked, Dean realised this would be the first time he'd 'make love.'

If this was with anyone else, he'd run for the hills. But this time was different; this time would be worth it.

And he'll be damned if he ever lets Cas go.

~Sorry for not writing in the sex, I know you're all beyond disappointed. I may turn this into a series, however, that has similar drabbles between scenes. I don't know. But I hope you guys liked it!