A/N: THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE IS PROBABLY INAPPROPRIATELY LONG BUT... YOLO! ^-^?

Well, I don't know about you, but I like to think that I have a decent grasp on the sexual orientation of most of our beloved Naruto characters.

I mean Naruto is obviously a bi-curious closet-case who's sexually attracted to women but has some more-than-platonic feelings towards boys named Sasuke Uchiha that make him confused and angry. Still, it's lucky for him that Sasuke is more homosexual than Elton John during the Gay Pride Parade, what with his hair and blatant disregard for anyone of the opposite sex. Anko's into bisexual BDSM, Iruka's as gay as the animal he's named after, yadda yadda yadda and everyone else is just as obvious.

*Except for Itachi... URGH. It irritates me!

Like, is he gay?

Well, no, I think he had a girlfriend in the past.

So he's straight?

No, no, just look at him, - he's prettier than you! Plus, everyone important to him - loved, admired, - were all men. And he was so...intense in his interactions with Sasuke, Kisame, Kakashi, Tobi, - it just screams UST! Plus, when he was revived, his humor was so... flirty!

Then what, Bisexual?

Hm... I don't know. He never actually seemed 'sexually attracted' to anyone of either sex - let alone both! He showed interest and 'emotions' towards others, but nothing 'physical.'

So how about pan-romantic? Asexual?

Maybe - that would mean that he disregards gender entirely and falls in love with the person... But then he wouldn't need to have sex, right? O_o WHOA. WHOA. STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT RIGHT NOW, THE FANGIRLS WILL KILL YOU...

And the conversation continues...

So, I decided that this story would be something of a humorous take on the ever-unreadable, Itachi Uchiha:) Very lighthearted, fluffy with minor sexual themes and some coarse language!

Itachi's Sexuality

"Kisame, how's it like working with Itachi?" questioned Deidara, moving quickly from the table to sit by the older man on the sofa. He pulled his legs up to his chest and faced him, with eager blue eyes. Nobody else was in the vicinity and this was the perfect time to ask Kisame.

The older male sighed and exasperatedly put down the newspaper he was reading as he was finally forced to acknowledge the other man's intrusive presence. He rolled his unusually shaped eyes as he answered. "I thought we went over this, kid. Fire style jutsus, a lot of Sharingan illusionary techniques and-"

Deidara waved him off with a thin, impatient hand, implying that was not what he was interested in this time around. "I meant, as an actual guy. Like aside from the whole, 'I Am Uchiha, Bow Down Before Me!,' crap."

Kisame felt one of his blue eyebrows raise into a mocking, patronizing arch. "Contrary to what you believe, Deidara, Itachi has never once acted superiorly because of his heritage. He is a modest man and I'm not going to give you anything to feed your obsession for bad-mouthing him."

Deidara's eyes widened as he gritted his teeth. He was about to go off on a Hidan-esque rant about how he fucking hated the guy and had ever right to bad talk the stuck-up son-of a motherfucking whore after his forced entry into this dammed organization but decided otherwise. Kisame basically adored the Uchiha and insulting the other teenager in front of him would not be the best course of action if he intended on achieving his goal.

Black-mail gold.

Instead, he innocently tilted his head to the left and smiled as good-naturedly as he could. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Kisame. I'm just casually looking for information about a fellow Akatsuki member."

Kisame resisted rolling his eyes again but decided to indulge the little blonde.

After the initial hostility between himself and his partner, the two men had reached a companionable dynamic in their partnership that was extremely comfortable and at worst, slightly boring. Itachi's retorts had always been serious, sarcastic and amusing when they used to insult one another and he missed hearing that sharp, intelligent tongue in action. Perhaps, Kisame reasoned, if he fueled the easily combustible teenager's insults, Itachi might finally give him back a good, degrading, hilarious retort instead of a stoic 'hn,' and a slam of his bedroom door. Obviously, he would not dare give away anything important about the man he regarded an acquaintance if not a friend, but what hurt could a little office-room type gossip do?

"Alright," he said, rolling his shoulders and settling into a more comfortable position, "What would you want to know?"

Deidara grinned and leaned closer to the larger man conspiratorially as he whispered his question.

"What kind of people does he hook up with?"

Kisame felt his jaw drop and a bit of blood rush to his cheeks. He was just about to respond with an answer that expressed his outrage when an amused voice joined their conversation uninvited.

"Why, are you interested, blondie?" teased an obnoxious-sounding voice from behind the duo. Kisame and Deidara both whipped around to find Hidan perched on the dining table with a cup of coffee in his hands and a sneer on his face.

Deidara scowled at the religious nut and refused to dignify that question with an answer. He turned back to Kisame and waited for his comments instead. Although Hidan, it seemed, was keenly interested in the topic as well since he too decided to listen to Kisame and take a seat on the opposite armchair.

Kisame was just about to tell the two younger members to go get their own lives when he was once again interrupted by an intruder.

"Shut up, you idiots," hissed the irritable red-haired man by the doorway, "I can't focus on my work with you all screaming your bullshit at the top of your lungs."

"Fine then, leave and shut your fucking door," snapped Hidan, distractedly giving Sasori the finger. He was busy staring at the oddly colored Akatsuki member. "I, for one, want to hear about St. Uchiha's sexcapades. The man's so indifferent and nerdy that I'm surprised he even has sex. I thought he just masturbated to encyclopedic scrolls or some equally fucked up shit."

Kisame and Deidara both frowned at the disturbing mental images while Sasori chose to ignore Hidan's remarks altogether. He narrowed his eyes at the pair sitting on the sofa instead. "Really?" he deadpanned, shifting his stance to rest his weight on his left hip and folding his arms across his chest. "We've sunk so low that we're going to amuse ourselves with Uchiha's sex life?" He shook his head and turned to face the exit. "Useless idiots," he mumbled as he began leaving.

Hidan, however, was faster. "Oh come on!" he yelled blocking the way. Sasori was about to poison the silver-haired bastard before he leaned closer and grinned. "Don't act as if you aren't interested just the teensiest bit. You are supposed to have a little bit of human in you somewhere, right? Natural human curiosity and all that shit?"

Sasori closed his eyes and pushed the heavily breathing man away from his person. Although he and Itachi were on perfectly fine terms, he did not know much about the silent, polite man whose rational presence he had come to appreciate around the base. Hidan was right when he implied that he was curious about the Uchiha who was so highly praised by both Pein and Orochimaru but Sasori had been more inclined to ponder his intellect, power and potential as a future puppet. Still, he decided to stay with the group and hear their conversation, figuring there was nothing else he needed to be currently doing. His work had consisted of polishing his already polished puppets.

Sasori pulled an irritated face and took the chair opposite Hidan, acting as though he were 'forced' to listen.

At this point, Deidara was getting antsy. He had wanted to hear some Uchiha-gossip from Kisame and use it against him, but did anything really count as blackmail if so many people, especially those of the likes of Hidan, knew it? Deidara groaned lowly but decided to push on with the conversation.

"Now if you'd answer the question, Kisame?"