Summary: The beliefs and traditions of the wizarding world might not follow the logic of those found in various muggle societies around the world but that does not mean that they should be tossed side in order to conform to one person's ideals. Crack!Fic

Disclaimer: All HP characters are the property of JKR, the WB, and respective publishing companies - this is nothing more than a simple FanFiction that I have written. I have made no money from this or any of the other stories I have posted on this or other sites.

Warnings: This is a Crack!Fic; expect to find insanity and twisted humor inside. And yes, I am intentionally poking fun at other people's stories but not because I'm being mean... those stories were just begging to be made fun of and who am I to ignore the plot bunny that bit me to birth this story?

AN: This story is self-beta'd; so there may be occasional grammatical or spelling errors that crop up every now and then and for those I apologize in advance.

Good Intentions: Or the Truth about Elves

The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions
may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding. - Albert Camus.

Hermione Granger prided herself on three things; her intelligence, her ability to use logic, and her unshakable morals. Once she sets her mind to a course of action; nothing can sway her from her intended path. In most cases, this would not be a problem as she has all of the information she needs in order to make the best decision but every once in a while a tiny kernel of information will escape her notice or a nugget of misinformation will be placed in the line of her sight and she will mistakenly latch onto simply because it is there. Her steadfast devotion to the written word (despite the fact that books are written by people with their own views and in some cases biased opinions) and her blind faith in authority figures are two such examples.

After living in the magical world for ten months out of the year for seven years, Hermione was certain of one thing; magic had no logic and ninety percent of everything that a witch or wizard used magic for was to simply make their lives easier. In her mind, magic made people stupid if they were exposed to it long enough but never remembered to include herself in that generalization; after all she was the smartest witch of her age. Everyone told her so. So when she failed to apply deductive reasoning, cross examination, or just plain common sense to her conclusions, she never even noticed that she too was falling into the same trap as every other witch or wizard. This critical flaw in her thinking would doom the world.

It started, oddly enough, in the summer before fourth year with Hermione's introduction to a single house elf. Her indignation over the treatment of that elf by said elf's owner and master would spark a year long protest and campaign against the barbaric practice of keeping elves as slaves. Like the good little genius she was, Hermione rushed to the library to research the injustices foisted upon the helpful little creatures but unfortunately she had a pair of invisible blinders on and focused entirely on one aspect of the house elves circumstances.

She only saw the cruelty of a sentient creature being forced work without any benefit of salary, vacations, or medical care and never once thought to research the hows and whys house elves ended up as 'slaves' to the wizards. In her mind, it was the humans that were taking advantage of some poor creature and the wizards were wrong. Ron had tried to explain to her that the way things were, were the way things were supposed to be because that was how things were done.

As a pureblood, Ron had been raised on tradition but because he was lazy and disinterested in learning about boring things like history he never learned the reasons behind certain traditions. Having known the red headed, be-freckled boy for many years and being intimately aware of said boy's faults; Hermione ignored it when Ron had told her bad things would happen to those that disregarded tradition.

The young witch scoffed and promptly dismissed his warnings and carried on with her plans because she was smarter and wiser than he was and above all; she was always right. Harry had bowed out of the argument simply because he didn't know enough about wizarding culture to say whether or not Ron was actually right to be worried over Hermione's crusade; something he would greatly regret when things got dicey.

The first thing Hermione had tried had been to raise awareness of the horrible enslavement amongst the population of the school. Most purebloods scoffed at her, many of the halfbloods merely ignored her, and the other muggleborns sympathized but didn't wish to step on toes. A few individuals were bullied into supporting her cause; Ron, Harry, and Neville being the most obvious.

When that approach didn't work, Hermione tried to free them covertly but it was hard to free servants that had been brain washed into believing servitude was the best thing that could happen to them. Inciting a rebellion within the ranks of the house elves had been met with the same success as the forced release from slavery; absolutely none. It was almost enough to drive Hermione into depression as she'd never before failed in one of her personal crusades.

In a last ditch effort to do something to save the poor creatures, Hermione did the worst thing she could do; she approached an elf that was more than a little insane and held a grudge against wizards in general. It was a commendable idea, to question the oppressed, but it would have been better had she found one that hadn't been perverted by dark magic and a deep seated loathing for all things human. It would have been even better if she'd bothered to search for the ancient lore pertaining to the creation of the house elves but when one only focuses on one aspect of a situation it is easy to forget that there is usually a reason behind every action; even if some of the reasons are just as terrible as the outcome. It was that conversation that officially sealed the fate of the entire known world.

The day that marked the beginning of the end was a glorious sunny spring day and the entire world was awash in sunlight. One would never expect such a perfect day to hide the dark seed of destruction deep within its heart; for how could one think of shadows and death when the sun was shining, birds were singing, and children were laughing?

Hermione shut the book she'd been reading through with enough force that a puff of dust billowed up out from between the pages of the ancient tome. She'd spent an entire week and a half searching through hundreds of dusty old books in an effort to find an answer to the huge problem she'd discovered a few years earlier when she first learned about the plight of the house elf. Ever since then, she'd made it her mission to free the friendly little beings from their slavery despite the fact that they appeared perfectly happy as they were; fully believing the poor things had been brain washed.

Sighing, she stacked up the books she'd been reading through and lugged them over to the book return cart that Madam Pince left near the front desk; the bushy haired witch well versed in the protocols that Madam Pince demanded all students using her library followed. One of which was that no student would place a book they'd touched back upon the shelf because she didn't trust them not to have sullied the books in some way, shape, or form. Hermione then returned to the table she'd been working at and gathered up her rather bare notes, tucked them into her book bag, and slung the strap of the bag over her shoulder before leaving the library.

Instead of heading straight back to Gryffindor Tower, she wandered aimlessly through the castle trying to organize her scattered thoughts so she could come up with a solution to the house elf situation. She was just reviewing all of her interaction with various house elves through the years when it occurred to her that she'd not once thought to question Dobby about the history of house elves or if there was a way to get around the brainwashed belief that all elves held that they were happiest serving the needs of magicals. Pleased with herself for finding a new avenue of research to pursue, Hermione immediately sought out the house elf in question so that she could get the answers she so desperately needed.

If only she'd taken Ron's advice to leave well enough alone…

Hell isn't merely paved with good intentions; it's walled and roofed with them.
Yes, and furnished too. - Aldous Huxley.

Three days later, after spending a good three hours interrogating Dobby while a drunken Winky sniffled and sobbed in the background and two full days making plans and setting up the rituals, Hermione bullied Harry into helping her free the elves from the 'dark and evil spells that wizards used to subjugate an entire species'. Harry was skeptical and would have preferred to have nothing to do with Hermione's latest harebrained idea but the witch had pulled the 'you owe me' card out of left field as she reminded him how many times she'd helped him over the years during his more reckless adventures.

"According to my research, all it will take to break the house elves free from their enslavement is for the two of us to bond with Winky and Dobby as friends and family instead of as wizard and house elf," Hermione explained as she pulled Harry into the room and made him stand right in front of an excited Dobby. "Dobby will bond with you and I will bond with Winky and we just pledge to forever treat them as part of our family for life and the entire spell will unravel and free the elves as Dobby and Winky revert to their original forms."

"Are you sure about this, Hermione? I mean, it sounds kind of risky and I wouldn't want Dobby or Winky getting hurt if it doesn't work," Harry hedged as he rubbed at the back of his head.

"I've gone over every aspect of all three rituals and I am confident that I haven't missed anything. First you and I bond ourselves together with a soul bond and consummate the bond, then we bond Dobby and Winky to our family, and once the enchantment enslavement has been broken you and I will severe the soul bond between us."

"Soul bond…? Consummate…? You mean we have to…? You and me…? Us and sex…?" Harry croaked out in shock as his eyes bugged out.

"Oh don't be so childish, Harry. It'll just be a one time thing to bind us together as a family so we can set the elves free and then we'll be free to go our separate ways so long as we still consider each other family."

"But… but… what about Ron and Ginny!?"

"They can't help; they'll whine about tradition like they always do and the two people bonding have to be virgins or the soul bond won't work."

"Are you implying that Ginny isn't a virgin?" Harry gasped in shock.

"Please, she's the most popular girl in her year for a reason, Harry; and it isn't because of her award winning personality or because she's somewhat cute. She's had more partners than Lavender and Parvati combined."

"But she told me she loved me."

"I'm sure she does; she just loves sex more. Now, will you quit complaining and strip out of your clothes so we can start the bonding ceremony?"

"But I love Ginny."

"And I'm head over heels in love with Ron but you don't hear me whining about sacrificing my virginity in order to free the elves from their enslavement, do you?"

"Oh… well, when you put it that way…"

"Good boy, now hurry up; the new moon will be rising in precisely one hour and thirty minutes and if we miss it, we'll have to wait another twenty-eight days before we can try again."

The soul bonding ritual took a full thirty minutes to perform with both witch and wizard blushing bright red as they tried not to stare at one another's nakedness. Once their magic had accepted the bonds, the two of them fumbled through the consummation with all of the awkwardness of two inexperienced teens. Once it was over they both pretended that they weren't feeling completely mortified over their less than stellar performance while they cleaned themselves up and got dressed. Hermione recovered first as she immediately began preparing for the second ritual; which would bind the two elves to them as their family.

There was a potion to drink, a blood sacrifice from both teens, and a series of runes drawn over all four of them before they were ready to perform the ritual. Neither human noticed the demonic grin on Dobby's elfish face as Hermione began leading Harry through the ritual at the precise moment that the new moon was bracketed by the only window in the room. The moment Harry and Hermione proclaimed Dobby and Winky as their friends and part of their family; the room was filled with a bright sinister purple light that engulfed both elves.

Hermione pulled Harry back as she grinned happily at him and proclaimed the ritual a success. Harry eyed the eerie purple glow with trepidation as he began to suspect that they'd just done something really, really bad. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up when an evil cackle cut through the room and for the first time since she approached him with her plans, Hermione looked unsure of herself. When the light began to fade away, their apprehension turned to terror and horror as they finally got a good look at what the two former house elves turned in to.

Their faces had flattened out some and grown even larger than they had been before with their noses becoming more snout-like. Large tennis ball eyes were now large almond shaped eyes with a red tinge to their irises and the whites of their eyes had turned a sickly yellow. Their mouths were larger and filled with dozens of quarter inch long needle like teeth and two inch long canines that dripped a clear yellowish liquid. Their large floppy ears had grown even larger and shifted to the top of their head where they stood up stiffly.

Further more, their bodies shrank to roughly one quarter of their previous size with their arms and legs growing dangerous thin to the point where they couldn't support their body; the creatures ending up flat on their stomachs as a result. The color of their skin had darkened to an almost black with traces of reddish brown and had sprouted thick, coarse fur all over them. Finally, the two former elves had sprouted leathery wings that were attached to their arms and sides and grew short stubby tails; giving them the appearance of overly large and ugly bats.

"Uh, Hermione, what exactly just happened?" Harry asked tentatively; his voice rising and cracking with fear.

"I don't know," Hermione whimpered in reply as she began shuffling through all of her notes. "I don't understand what went wrong; we did everything we were supposed to do. I followed Dobby's directions word for word."

"And what about the books you used to verify his instructions?"

"There were no books."

"Remind me to yell at you later for failing to do proper research," Harry ordered tightly as the two newly transformed beings let out a high pitched and sinister laugh before they scuttled across the floor to latch onto their legs in the blink of an eye. "In the mean time, my dear temporary wife, do you at least know how we're going to get out of this mess?"

"Not a clue!" Hermione squealed as the creature that used to be Winky sank razor sharp claws into her leg to prevent Hermione from shaking her off.

"Do you at least have an idea as to what we're facing here?"

"No."

"Lovely. Dobby, can you hear me? Will you tell me what happened to you?"

"You have freed us from our prison," Dobby hissed from Harry's knee as he dug his claws into Harry's leg. "Now we will have revenge upon the wizards for sealing away our powers and you and your foolish little wife shall serve as our pets for an eternity now thanks to the two of your foolishly pledging your lives to us."

"Hermione, if the opportunity ever arises; I'm petitioning for a divorce on the grounds of being lured into this marriage under false pretenses," Harry gasped out as Dobby sank his teeth into the fleshy part of his thigh just above the knee and began drinking his blood.

"Don't be daft, Harry," Hermione countered before she let out a soft scream as Winky bit her in turn. "The wizarding world doesn't have anything like divorce and the soul bond is for life unless we break the bond before midnight tonight."

"I think I hate you, Hermione."

"You can hate me later, Harry; for now you need to do something!"

Harry tried to peel Dobby from his leg before attempting to cast a flame spell on the creature only to find that he was too weak to cast anything. He soon grew too weak to stand as the creature affixed to his leg continued to drain both his magic and his blood and he sank to his knees with a pained grunt. Hermione soon ended up on the floor beside him and Harry glared at her as darkness began to overtake him as the venom the transformed elves secreted from their fangs rushed through his veins to replace the blood that the creature was drinking.

Seven hours later, Harry and Hermione would wake up to find they'd both been transformed into vampires thanks to the venom and that they were compelled to follow any and all orders that Winky and Dobby gave to them; with most of said orders revolving around the pair changing all of their fellow students into vampires.

It would be weeks before Hermione learned that the creatures she'd unleashed upon the world were a magical species of vampire bats with demon heritage and the creatures responsible for turning a wizard into the world's first vampire. They had been sealed into the forms of house elves by forty nine powerful wizards over fifteen hundred years earlier in order to prevent them from wiping out the human population after they'd gained a taste for human blood. The creatures had then been bound to serve wizards and witches for an eternity in order to prevent them from ever escaping their living prisons.

Harry would take perverse pleasure in taunting Hermione about her mistake for centuries to come as the two former magicals were forced to help Dobby and Winky, the king and queen of the newly freed vampire bats, subjugate the entire world. Ron's 'I told you so's' would ring in the brunette's ears nearly as long and Ginny would never forgive Hermione for stealing the Boy-Who-Lived just when Ginny had finally gotten him to see her as a girl instead of merely as Ron's younger sister. The rest of the world didn't have too many nice things to say about Harry or Hermione for what they'd done; though they at least sympathized with the former Boy-Who-Lived for being browbeat into helping Hermione.

*** THE END ***

AN: This story has been bouncing around in my head for close to two years now after reading a ton of FanFics where bonding the house elves as friends or family turned them into high elves, made them beautiful, and doubled their intelligence. It's a nice concept and the idea of freeing the elves is always a nice one but I couldn't help but think; what if there was actually a valid reason to bind the elves as slaves of a sort (aside from the usual they have to be bound because they need the magic to survive scenario that I've used in other stories and that many other people have used as well)? What if the elves being bound had saved the world from the apocalypse or something equally as bad?

And so this story was born; it just took me longer to actually write it out because I kept getting stuck. Anyway, I've never seen another story put this spin on the house elf bond before, so I hope those of you brave enough to read it were at least entertained by my insanity. ~ Jenn